Author's Note: This vaguely satirical thing was plotted between me and my dear friend and mentor, Cynthia, Piedmon's Lady. That should be enough to warn you that weird things are happening.
There was an excited babble of voices as a wide array of children of varying ages settled around the table. A few of them greeted each other like old friends, while others watched each other suspiciously or exchanged name cards. Sheaves of notes were laid out at each place setting, and Vegimon were circulating with trays of snacks and drinks, letting everyone sample what they wanted. Finally, a bushy-haired boy sat down at the head of the table and rapped on it with a small gavel.
"Order! Order!" shouted Taichi.
"I'll have a burger and fries!" Daisuke shouted back. A few people snickered, and Taichi shot him a glare.
"I call this meeting to order," said Taichi. "Everybody, welcome to the... well, I forget how many of these meetings we've had so far, but..."
"Thirty-seven," said Koushiro.
"Right. Anyway, this is a really important meeting, so pay attention," the annoyed chairman of the board said. "We've got some new members in the fandom, so I'd like you all to meet them. Gang, this is the cast of Digimon Frontier - Orimoto Izumi, Himi Tomoki, Kanbara Takuya, Minamoto Kouji, and Shibayama Junpei. If anybody doesn't know anybody, now's the time to ask."
There was a brief babble of noises as everyone introduced themselves. Taichi let it go on a while before rapping his gavel, bringing on quiet again.
"Okay, all right, that's enough," he said. "You all can socialize later. This isn't a party. The purpose of this meeting is for us to warn the new kids what they're up against, so they can go in prepared."
"And I'll tell you, it's some pretty scary stuff we've got to tell you," said Yamato, "but you're luckier than us - nobody ever told me what I was getting into."
"What are we getting into, anyway?" asked Takuya. "All I know is, I got this weird phone call, and..."
"What you're getting into," said Ken, "is called 'fandom.' Fan fiction, in particular, but it carries over to other things too. The fiction is the scariest part, though, so that's what we're going to focus on."
"All right, then," said Junpei. "Explain this fan fiction thing. It doesn't sound so bad. I mean, some fiction is really pretty good, and everyone likes having fans, right?"
"It sounds like it would work that way, doesn't it?" Daisuke replied. "And you're right, some of the fan fiction really is pretty good. It's the bad stuff you've got to watch out for."
"See, we're all fictional characters," said Taichi seriously. "An author will take us and put us into different situations and universes and make us do things."
"They can do that?" asked Izumi, amazed.
"You'd better believe it!" said Takeru. "I've already been in hundreds, and let me tell you, it's no picnic."
"Right," said Taichi. "So we're going to tell you all the bad stuff you're going to go through, so you can brace yourselves for it. First thing - I hope you all really like each other, and you're all bisexual or don't mind becoming so, because you're all going to be sleeping with each other a lot."
"All of us?" Kouji exclaimed, breaking out of his characteristic silence.
Yamato nodded. "You especially. You and Takuya are going to get to know each other really well. Trust me." He and Taichi exchanged knowing looks; so did Daisuke and Ken. Kouji shuddered.
"You mean I've gotta kiss somebody?" asked Tomoki, looking alarmed.
"No, not you," said Iori. "You're too young. No matter what happens, you're never going to be any age other than what you are now, and it's gross for anyone that young to be attracted to anyone, so you might as well not even think of falling in love with anyone. It'll happen sometimes, but for the most part, you're going to get ignored."
"Oh, and practice bursting into tears," Takeru added. "It'll come in handy; you're going to do it a lot. People are going to see you crying in episode one and decide you need to act that way all the time."
"What about me?" asked Junpei.
"You aren't allowed to fall in love either," said Jyou. "You're not as good-looking as Takuya and Kouji. It doesn't matter that you're intelligent and kind. It doesn't even matter if you actually have a romance on the show. What matters is that you're fat, so you're not as worthy of love as the others."
"What? That's not fair!" Junpei squawked. "I have a heart like anyone else; I can't help being drawn this way!"
"Sorry," said Miyako. "I hate to tell you this, but it works that way in real life, too. There's just no getting out of it."
"And you'd better look out," said Daisuke. "If you get between those bishounen-boys and Izumi, there's going to be hell to pay. Better look out for the bashers - they're insane, and they'll be out to get you before long."
"And what about me?" asked Izumi.
"Oh, you're going to date everybody, sooner or later," said Mimi. "You're the only girl, after all."
"But mostly," Juri added, "you're going to date Takuya."
"Even if you never show any interest in him on the show," Sora added.
"You'd be amazed the places people think they find 'evidence'," said Hikari. "No matter what, some people are always going to swear that you and he are a Holy Couple and can't be broken up no matter what."
"But what if I don't want to date Takuya?" asked Izumi.
"Are you kidding?" asked Sora. "People are going to swear you two are madly in love before the first episode is over."
"But if you don't like that," Ruki added, "you can always date Kouji."
"Why would I want to date her?" asked Kouji.
"You have to," said Ruki, rolling her eyes expressively, "because you're a cold bastard who needs her gentle touch to thaw you out and turn you into Prince Charming, even if it's obvious you're going to get over it without her help anyway."
"Ugh," said Kouji. "Her or Takuya... I don't know which is worse."
"If you're lucky," said Daisuke, "you'll just get put into one of those fics where you and Takuya just hate each other's guts... right, Takeru?"
"Even if you're not both fighting over Hika- um, Izumi," Takeru agreed.
"Oh, yeah, word of warning," said Daisuke. "Don't any of you ever do anything funny. I know it's a kid's show and those are supposed to be funny, but if you act funny, someone's going to assume you're an idiot and write you that way for the rest of their lives."
"That's another thing to keep in mind," said Jenrya. "It doesn't make any difference how you act on the show, really. Once you're in the fanfic-world, half the time you don't act anything like yourself anyway."
"Great, just what I always wanted," Kouji sighed. "Can it get any worse than this?"
The more experienced people around the table nodded. The newest Chosen Children looked afraid.
"You've got to be kidding me," said Takuya. "After everything you've already told us, what could possibly be worse?"
There was a tense silence. Finally, someone whispered, "Mary Sue."
"Who's Mary Sue?" asked Junpei finally.
"She's a lot of people, really," said Takato vaguely. "And sometimes she's a he. Gary Stu."
"That doesn't make any sense," Tomoki complained.
"Mary Sue is the evil twin of the Author Avatar," said Yamato. "She's just like the author, only she's absolutely perfect in every way. She'll have a Digimon form that's cooler than yours and can beat anything that moves without breaking a sweat. She'll save all your hides all the time, and you'll all fall in love with her for it. She's the scariest thing that exists."
There was a moment of quiet. A few people shivered.
"Enough of that," said Kouji. "Can you talk about something else? This is giving me the creeps."
"All right," Taichi replied. "What else is there to talk about?"
"Crossovers," Jenrya suggested. "Which will probably be the next place I see you guys."
"What? But we aren't in the same series," Tomoki protested.
"That's what they want you to think!" said Daisuke in a conspirational tone.
"Be serious," said Takeru. "Crossovers are when the author tries to find ways of making us all meet somehow. Very rarely, it works. The rest of the time, it makes no sense whatsoever."
"You mean all our worlds aren't the same thing?" asked Daisuke, with exaggerated surprise. "Gee, all because Tamers and Frontier have totally different backstories than Adventure and 02, people start thinking it isn't all the same universe... And here I thought you guys were the kids who came before us..."
"Nah, don't you know?" Ryo joked. "Tamers came a few years after 02, and Frontier comes after Tamers. They have to be all related because I'm in both the first two worlds."
"Yeah, yeah, you're so special," Ruki muttered.
"Sounds... fun," said Takuya with a wince.
"So at least we'll all be seeing each other soon," said Taichi. "Any other comments?"
"I think we've covered everything," said Ken. "And speaking of crossovers... Ruki and I have yet another implausible romance to get on with, and we're due on set in fifteen minutes."
"Yep," said Ruki. "I forget - am I thawing you out or are you thawing me this time?"
"I don't know, and I don't want to think about it," Ken replied. "I don't like getting thawed. At least when I was the Kaiser I had a backbone..."
"All right, all right, don't start angsting on us again," said Taichi. "I declare this meeting adjourned! See you all at the next meeting. Come on, Yamato, I've got to go save you from your abusive dad."
"What, again?" Yamato moaned. "Hey, Kouji, want to come with us? It should be educational. You'll probably get the same treatment from your dad sooner or later."
Kouji looked faintly alarmed. "I think I'll pass."
"Yeah, let's get back to our own world," said Takuya. "Any last advice, guys?"
"Yeah," said Daisuke. "Run, while you still can."
The Frontier Chosen Children looked at each other apprehensively.
"Guys," said Takukya, "is it just me, or has someone been narrating this entire story?"
Izumi stopped and listened. "You're right. I could have sworn someone just said I'd stopped and listened to them saying I'd stopped to listen..."
Kouji sighed. "That's it, then. Looks like it's already too late to escape..."