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A/N Beautiful Disaster is a Twilight one-shot, written by me for Fandom For Tsunami. Thank you to my betas Angel, and Writing4Roses and thank you to my proof-readers Jackie and Melissa. Love you guys, loads!
I'm not sure most people can remember those exact moments that so profoundly change their lives, but I can, and mine came with that first moment I laid eyes on Edward Cullen. Up until that time, I believed I was just like any other seventeen year old boy starting his first day of senior year. But it was clear with just one glance in his direction, nothing I believed to be true about myself was ever real.
I often get asked if I can remember that moment I realized I wasn't like other boys. The only answer I can give them is I have never really looked at it that way. If you ask me if I can remember that first moment I fell in love for the first time, I can tell you quite simply, yes, and it was the first time that beautiful, green-eyed boy walked into my life.
I'm not going to sit here and tell you that it wasn't a huge struggle those first few days because I would be lying if I did. I was a guy in a new town, and a new school, and my every thought was consumed with him. Never before had I looked at another boy and had any kind of reaction like that, so, yeah, saying it was a struggle is an understatement.
But after those first few days, I came to realize, it wouldn't matter how much I tried to fight it; those feelings I was having weren't just going to go away. So I decided in that moment that there would be no fight, no internal battle between right and wrong. I mean, I guess I looked at it like this, you can't control who you fall in love with, right? And there was no question in my mind that what I was feeling for him was anything but love.
If only it had been that easy for him. I never dreamed that things would happen the way they did. I had convinced myself before even being introduced to Edward for the first time, that he would never be like me, never share the feelings that I myself was having. But I knew from that very first moment I stood in front of him, and looked into those beautiful green eyes of his that he felt it too.
But I also knew from that very first moment, that he may never be able to accept it the way that I had chosen to do.
Flashback September 2005, Senior Year Forks High
I was sitting in the cafeteria with Alice Brandon, a girl that I'd been introduced to over the summer just after moving here to Forks, Washington. She had been kind enough to help me get accustomed to my new life in this dreary town over the summer. Right away I realized she had ulterior motives for her kindness.
It was apparent she had quite the little crush on me, and although she was beautiful, those feelings just weren't reciprocated. I don't want to sound like a complete dick, but I was pretty aware of my looks and well, I'd never had any trouble in the chick department. I may have only been seventeen years old, but I was no virgin by any means.
If you were to ask me right in that moment, I probably would have told you I knew exactly what course my life was going to take. It had all been planned out for me by my overbearing father, who insisted I follow in his footsteps and become a physician just like him. What I wanted for myself had never really been an option; if it had been, music would have been my career of choice. It was the only thing I had ever been really good at. I remember learning to play the guitar for the first time, and that feeling of accomplishment was unlike anything I had ever felt before or since. But my father would never allow any talk of pursuing music as a full time career, so it was something I always kept hidden from him.
Anyway, like I said, in that moment I would have had all the answers, because it wasn't until the moments that followed, that everything I knew and understood about my life would be forever changed.
"Who is that?" I leaned over and whispered to Alice.
She glanced in the direction I was pointing and immediately made an assumption. "That's Bella...Bella Swan. But you don't want to go there." she said sounding annoyed. "You see that guy standing beside her? Well, you have to go through him to get to her, and trust me, that's just not something you want to do."
"Why? Are they dating?" I asked, deciding quickly that it probably wasn't in my best interest to tell Alice that the little brown haired beauty wasn't the one I was really asking about.
The boy with the intense green eyes standing by her side is the one who had my undivided attention. I've never been the type to notice anything about the same sex, but there was something about him, something that instantly pulled me to him the moment he walked into the room. Something telling me I needed to know more about him, and who he was.
"No," she sneered," Edward Cullen? Date? That's a riot... they're just friends, best friends, but if you ask me, he acts more like her bodyguard than her friend."
"What do you mean, he doesn't date?" I questioned, curiously.
"Well, let's just say Edward is more of love'em, and leave'em, kind of guy."
"Sounds like you don't like him very much. Are you one of his victims?" I asked, playfully nudging her in the side.
"Hell, NO!" she chuckled, "He's left a lot of broken hearts in his wake, but mine isn't one of them. Bella is my friend and all, but there is just something about Edward that has always rubbed me the wrong way. I mean he has his reasons I guess, for being the way he is, but still, he doesn't have be such an ass all the time."
"What do you mean, reasons?" The more she talked about Edward, the more intrigued I became.
"He hasn't had the best life I guess. His real parents were killed in a car accident when he was very young. The Cullen's adopted him, but not before he spent a lot of time being shuffled around between foster homes."
"The Cullen's?" I don't know why, but that name sounded really familiar to me.
"Yeah...I'm sure you've heard of them, with your dad being a doctor at the hospital and all. Edward's adopted father is Carlisle Cullen, the chief of surgery at Forks General."
Now everything was starting to fall into place, "Oh yeah, I think I do remember my dad mentioning them shortly after moving here." He mentioned them alright, and their rebellious teenage son. So that was Edward...
"Yeah, well, Edward has been in more trouble than I'm sure Carlisle would like to mention. He's made quite a reputation for himself here in Forks. I guess that's the down side to being brilliant."
"Brilliant?" I asked.
"Yeah, brilliant musically, anyway, kind of like you. Only Edward plays the piano, and he's better than any professional pianist I've ever heard."
And there it was, my way in. I have never been musically brilliant by any means, but I did play the piano a little bit myself. From the sound of it, not near as well as he did, but maybe that's something I could use… to get to know more about this beautiful boy... Did I really just say beautiful?
"The piano, I've always wanted to learn how to play." I lied.
"Really, well if you'd like I can mention it to Bella, not that I'm encouraging you to spend any time with Edward, but he really is amazing with the piano, I'm sure he could teach you a thing or two."
"Yeah, I'd really like that, Alice, thanks." I said with a smile.
"No problem," she replied. "As long as you promise me one thing?"
"What's that?" I was almost afraid to ask.
"That you won't let him rub off on you, I'd hate to see a fine Southern gentlemen, such as yourself be drawn over to Edward Cullen's dark side." she said chuckling again, as she stood up, grabbing her bag from the back of the chair.
Unfortunately for her, that was one promise I didn't think I was going to be able to keep. The more I watched him, the more I found myself wanting to know him.
I frowned, watching the way people kept their distance from him, as he stood and made his way out of the cafeteria. What is all that about? Is that the reason he seemed to strive so hard at being an asshole, as Alice put it? To make people fear him? So they wouldn't want to really know him?
Alice reached down and tapped me on the shoulder, pulling me from my thoughts "Come on, you gonna walk me to class or what?"
"Yes, ma'am." I said with a smile in that annoying Southern accent that comes with being born and raised in the south.
As I stood, I looked back at Edward one last time as he disappeared out the door. The sadness that radiated around him troubled me for some reason. He seemed so broken on the surface, but at the same time knowing this only increased my desire for him. He was going to be trouble for me, that much was clear already.
My beautiful green-eyed disaster.
Later that night, I was lying in bed after having struggled the entire day with these crazy feelings I'd had, ever since seeing Edward for the first time. This couldn't possibly be what I think it is, could it? There has to be another rational explanation for this sudden interest in him, right? I tossed and turned for what seemed like hours, before drifting off to sleep with thoughts of him still lingering on my mind.
Standing in the doorway behind him, I am mesmerized at the sight before me. The moonlight filtering in through the window casts a glow over him sitting at his piano. Every part of his body moved in motion to the beautiful music that filled the room. His long slender fingers danced across the piano keys with very little effort at all, and he is so lost in the melody nothing else exists around him.
I am frozen where I stand in such awe of his ability, that I don't even realize the music has stopped when I am pulled from my daze by the sound of his voice.
"Jasper, come here." he whispers, patting the seat next to him.
With the very sound of his voice, I am instantly drawn to him. My body has no choice but to comply. Sitting down beside him, I look over into those amazing green eyes, seeing nothing but acceptance and longing. I reach over, running my hand down his cheek. He leans into it, showing me how much he is enjoying this moment. He reaches up taking my hand in his and turns so that his body is facing me now. He lets go of my hand and wraps both arms around me pulling me to him.
Our lips meet and his tongue snakes out, gliding along my bottom lip begging me for entrance. I comply without hesitation, and the taste of his tongue in my mouth is unlike any flavor I have ever had. I reach my hands around to the back of his neck and tangle my fingers in the hair that lies there, pulling him even closer to me. He whimpers and the sound send shivers straight to my now aching cock.
His hands slide down the hard ridges of my chest until they reach the cuff of my shirt. In an instant, he pulls it over my head, breaking our kiss. My lips are at a loss without his, and as soon as the shirt is lying on the floor, I crush them to his once more. A low moan escapes his lips and vibrates through my entire body. Suddenly I am on fire with need for him. My breathing becomes erratic, and my hands move frantically to remove his shirt as he breaks away from me once more, placing soft kisses down my chin. His tongue trails down my neck and I groan at the sensation, as he reaches my nipple sucking it hard into his mouth. One hand comes up taking the other, and massaging it with those same long fingers that only moments ago were creating the most beautiful music I have ever heard, causing it to harden at his simple touch.
"Jasper,..." he groans loudly, as my hand moves to unbutton his jeans. Reaching inside I wrap my fingers around his hard dick, pulling it free from its confines. Nothing else matters in this moment, I want him and nothing will stop me from getting what I want.
Slowly my hand starts to move up and down the entire length of his shaft. I increase my speed after a few minutes, and the desire to taste him overwhelms me. I bring my hands up and gently push him down until he is lying before me on the piano bench. Reaching down, I take him in my hand once more. Leaning over him, I push my lips down his hardness, completely taking him in my mouth.
"Fuck," he groans loudly, as he brings his hands up placing them on the sides of my face guiding me up and down.
"Don't stop." he begs without need, I have no intention of stopping until I've brought him to the edge of oblivion.
A low whimper escapes my chest as he starts to flail beneath me I know he is close, so I suck him harder and farther in my mouth than I have yet, eliciting the sweetest fucking moan from him I have ever heard..
"God damn it,... Fuck, I'm going to cum." he screams out just as I feel his hot liquid explode into my mouth. It doesn't stop me, as I take it all in, milking him of every last drop.
He finally relaxes below me as I release him from my hold. Looking up at me, he smiles widely. Suddenly I hear a loud beeping noise somewhere off in the distance, and the more I try to ignore it the louder it gets.
I awake abruptly, covered in sweat, my breathing out of control and my dick so hard it throbbed painfully. I groaned and rolled over, and threw my alarm clock against the wall to shut it the fuck up. What the fuck was that? Now I'm dreaming about him too?
Lying there for awhile longer, I closed my eyes and tried hard to regain control over myself. My thoughts instantly went back to the very vivid dream I'd just woken up from. I realized with just the thought of it, I was never going to calm down until I satisfied this aching need between my legs. So I rolled out of bed and headed straight for the shower.
Standing in the water's hot flow, the picture of Edward spread out below me sent my body once again into overdrive. I reached down and wrapped my fingers around my hard shaft and slowly started to pump up and down. The more I pictured Edward moaning, as he came, the faster my hand moved on my cock. Within minutes I was jumping over that glorious edge, as my cock exploded in what can only be described as the most intense orgasm of my life.
As the rest of the week went by, I found myself more and more captivated by his every movement. At the risk of sounding like some sort of stalker, I just couldn't control myself. I was enamored with the way every so often he'd bring his hand up, curling his fingers through that thick reddish brown mane of his, making his hair stand on end all over his head. Or the way his lips would sometimes, for what seemed like no reason at all, curve into a frown on his face; as if he were lost in some private moment, that only he could understand. Everything he did drew me to him even more. So on that Friday in the cafeteria when Bella came rushing over to Alice and me, and grabbed my arm dragging me from our table over to hers to meet Edward for the first time, I could not have been more ready.
"Jasper this is Edward. E, this is Jasper." Bella smiled, gesturing back and forth between Edward and I.
The electricity in the air around us was palpable, I knew the second I was close to him that everything I'd been feeling over the last few days was real. And in that moment, the decision was made for me, there would be no fighting this. Yes, it went against everything I'd ever believed or had been raised to believe anyway, but it didn't matter. Because the fact that this beautiful boy had not left my thoughts since the first moment I'd laid eyes on him told me everything I needed to know.
"Hey," I nodded, watching his every reaction closely.
It took him nearly ten full seconds to respond, "H-hi" was the best that he could do.
I saw it right away, because I was looking for it. That initial shock on his face, when he looked at me for the first time, the same exact one that I'm sure was on mine the first time I saw him. It gave him away within seconds. I watched his every move, the way his hand came up and raked threw his bronze hair, the way he kept his eyes focused on everything in the room but me. The way he fidgeted, he couldn't stand still,...like he was waiting for the right moment to run as far away from me as possible. He felt it too, and he didn't like it one damn bit.
"Jasper's new here E, Alice mentioned to me that he's a musician like you." Bella said, talking to him, but looking at me.
I could see that she was aware of Edward's initial response to me too, his complete lack of interest in the conversation, and his sudden inability to stand still did not go unnoticed by her.
"Well, from what I've heard, I'm certainly not as good as you, but I do play the guitar a little, and have always wanted to learn how to play the piano." I lied. Not about not being as good as him, because from what I've heard, I would probably never play as well as him. But I did lie about wanting to play the piano. Truth is, I knew how to play, and play pretty well, but if this is what it took to get even one minute alone with him, then I could fucking pretend I didn't know shit about playing the piano.
"Maybe you could teach him, E," Bella chimed in.
Now it hadn't slipped by me that Edward really hadn't spoken much at all since this conversation started. So when he opened his mouth to speak, the words that came out of his mouth didn't surprise me at all. I knew what he was feeling, and I knew he would never agree to spending any time alone with me because of it. Coward...
" I...I don't think so, Bella," he said, barely audible, looking directly at her with pleading eyes. He wanted her to drop this whole subject, and he was trying to tell her that with his eyes, but she was having none of that. I like this little firecracker.
"What? What the hell are you talking about, E? You love playing the piano, and I've never seen you pass up the opportunity to teach someone. Why are you acting like this?" She sneered at him.
"No!" he yelled back. "Not gonna happen, drop it, Bella."
For only the second time, he managed to make eye contact with me before looking away again, and I could clearly see the confusion in his expression. Ahhh...he's in shock, don't worry, Edward, I know exactly how you feel.
"It's okay, Bella," I tried to reassure her, throwing my hands in the air in a sign of peace. I could tell she wasn't the type to back down, but I knew this was one thing she probably did not want to push him on.
"Really, it's no big deal." I said looking at him. He was ready to run, and any second now that's exactly what he was going to do. I was right.
One more time he gathered the strength to look at me with those dazzling green eyes of his, and the fear I saw there nearly took my breath away. "I...I'm sorry!" was all he said before he turned and bolted for the door.
Bella started after him, and I grabbed her arm to stop her. "Bella, wait, just let him go. It's really no big deal. It's just the piano, not anything to cause a fight over." I didn't want her to go after him and push him even further away, because that's exactly what would have happened. He would probably never admit to her why he was acting like this anyway.
"I don't understand, he loves playing the piano, Jasper. I'm sorry I don't know what's gotten into him today." I do, I thought smiling a little inside.
"Maybe he's just having a bad day, Bella." I responded, knowing exactly what kind of day he was having. I don't know much about Edward Cullen, but what I do know from watching him these last few days is, he works really hard at pushing people away. He has built up this incredible bad ass reputation in school, just to keep people out. This thing that just happened to him has probably pushed him over the edge. He is, no doubt somewhere right now, questioning every fucking thing he knows. I know, because that's exactly what I did.
"Look, Bella, I gotta get going to my next class. Maybe Edward will change his mind later." I said feigning a smile, and turning towards the very doors he had just left through. I knew there was no chance of that, which disappointed me, but I couldn't pretend I didn't understand why.
"Bye, Jasper, I'm really sorry," Bella hollered after me.
I waved to her and disappeared out the door. Once outside of the cafeteria, I threw my bag over my shoulder and started towards my classroom, when I heard someone gasping for breath behind me. I turned around to see Edward, doubled over leaning against the wall. It broke my heart to see him like this. I stood there for a long moment debating. Should I approach him? What if it only makes things worse? After thinking it over, I knew I couldn't just walk away and leave him there like that.
I walked over to him and he was so out of it, I don't think he even realized someone was standing right in front of him. I reached my hand up and placed it on his shoulder, and he jumped, jerking away from me.
"Are you feeling okay, Edward?" I asked, backing away to give him some space.
For the fourth time today, I was rewarded with the beauty of those brilliant green eyes as he looked up at me. "Wh-what?" he questioned, looking very puzzled. "Do I feel what?"
I couldn't help but chuckle, clearly he misunderstood me. No, my beautiful boy, I already know you feel it, I don't have to ask. "No, I asked if you feel okay, you don't look so good."
"Oh no, I mean, yes, I'm not feeling too great right now. I think I need to get out of here," he whispered.
"Do you want me to drive you home?" I asked nervously, unprepared for his abrupt response.
"N-NO! I don't need you to drive me anywhere, just do me a favor and leave me the fuck alone!"
"Edward I," he cut me off, flailing his hands up in the air.
"Just get the fuck away from me, Jasper, NOW!" he growled.
I probably shouldn't have gotten angry in that moment, but I couldn't control myself. After all, I hadn't done a damn thing to him, and although I seemed to be handling whatever the fuck this was a lot better than he was, I just couldn't stand back and watch him be a complete dick.
I threw my hands up in the air in front of me while backing away from him even more. "Okay, Edward, have it your way. I was just trying to be a friend," I said sarcastically as I turned and started to walk away. Who the fuck did he think he was? This wasn't easy for me either. Fuck him. Just walk away now, Jasper,...get out while you still can!... But can I really?
As I was waging this internal battle, apparently he was doing the same thing.
"Jasper, wait, please!" He screamed after me.
I stopped dead in my tracks at the sound of his voice, and turned around to see him running after me. "What do you want, Edward?" I asked angrily.
"I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me." I do, I thought as he continued to speak. "I'm just not myself right now." I didn't respond, just stood there staring at him, stunned at his sudden change in attitude.
It was a few moments before he spoke again, but it was apparent with his words, why. "Look, I-If you're still interested,...I'd be happy to show you a few things on the piano," he said softly.
I was taken aback to say the least, and secretly wondered how hard it really was for him to make this decision, was it out of guilt? Or pure need, to understand that what he was feeling was real too? Whatever the reason, I certainly wasn't going to say no.
From the sad expression on his face, I could tell I had tortured him enough with my silence. "Yes, Edward, of course, I'd like that, thank you." I replied with my best crooked grin.
Our eyes met in that moment, and I unknowingly took a step closer to him. It was like those green orbs of his had me under some sort of trance, broken only by him, as he backed away and looked down. "O-Okay, good." he forced out. "I'll see you around then, I guess."
With that he turned and practically sprinted for the parking lot. Yes, Edward, if I have anything to do with it my beautiful disaster, you'll be seeing me around more often than you know.
Flash Forward September 2010
During the next weeks and months after that first meeting, Edward and I spent more and more time together. Most of the time at his house, after school, and on weekends. Our time together almost always involved music. I remember hearing him play his piano for the first time like it was yesterday. I had been told so much about his abilities, but to actually hear him play, sent chills right through me. Alice was right, he was brilliant, and I had never heard anything like it in my life.
Edward was a completely different person when he was playing. Any other time he was withdrawn, angry, and sometimes incredibly sad, and even a little scary at others. But the moment his fingers hit the keys on that piano, everything about him changed. And I would always find it easiest to talk to him then, those were the times when I learned the most about him, those were also the times, I realized that there was so much more to Edward Cullen than what appeared on the outside.
It was during one of those times I learned that not only had his real parent's died in a horrible automobile accident, but that he was in the car with them on that fateful day; and he was the only one who walked away alive. He may have only been nine years old when it happened, but it was clear with the tears that fell from his face as he talked about it, that he had so much guilt weighing on him for surviving when they didn't. He went to therapy three times a week, apparently to deal with that guilt, and their loss, and the horrible things that followed after that in the fucking foster homes he was shoved into. But it never seemed to alleviate the constant pain he seemed to be in.
He had learned to play the piano from his mother, Elizabeth. It was when he talked about those times with her that his face lit up with such joy, it became obvious to me why playing even now seemed to bring him so much peace and happiness.
If I'm going to be honest, those moments were also the most difficult for me to be around him. The more time we spent alone together, the harder I found it to hide my feelings for him. I knew all along he was feeling the same things I was, I could see it in the way he looked at me, feel it in the air around us. I just couldn't afford to lose him by forcing the subject on him. I had decided very early on that if this was the only way I could have Edward in my life, then I would accept that because it was better than the alternative. I would learn later, however, that accepting that was not something I would be willing to do forever.
It more often than not tested my strength right down to the very core, to keep those feelings locked deep inside, all the while watching him with the numerous girls he dated throughout that year. Well, I guess dated is the wrong word. Edward Cullen never got serious with anyone of them, and I often wondered deep down if he thought fucking girl after girl, would change who we both knew deep down he really was.
My cell phone vibrated in my pocket, briefly pulling me from my thoughts, I pulled it out and saw that it was Bella calling, no doubt trying to reach Alice.
"Hello, Bella," I answered.
"Hey, Jasper," she replied
"Alice isn't here. Did you try her cell?"
"I'm not looking for Alice, Jasper, it's you I need to speak to."
"Oh," I said, feeling a little puzzled. "What is it? What's wrong?"
"I just thought you should know, Edward will be here tonight at the party. His plane is landing as we speak, and I am on my way to Port Angeles, to pick him up at the airport."
"Fuck, Bella, have you told him yet?"
"N-no, I haven't. To be honest, Jasper, I'm really not sure how he is going to handle the news. He's come so far since the last time you saw him, how can I even think about destroying that now? "
"Bella, he has a right to know!"
"Do you have any idea at all what losing you did to him? Any idea at all, Jasper?
"He made that decision, not me. What was I supposed to do, Bella, stick around for the rest of my life pretending that he didn't mean more to me than he did?"
"No, Jasper, I'm sorry, that's not what I meant. I know you made the choice that was best for you back then. But I really don't think that's what you're doing now."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I asked angrily.
"Jasper, what are you doing with Alice? This is not who you are, and you know that! It's almost as though you've switched roles with Edward. He's finally starting to accept who he is, and you're pretending to be something you're not! You know as well as I do you'll never love Alice the way that, even now, you still love him."
This was really starting to piss me off, Edward, accept who he is? That's a fucking joke.
"Tell me, Bella, do you know something I don't? Because at what point has Edward EVER accepted any of this? It's been four fucking years, Bella, four years, and NOT one word."
"He loves you, Jasper, I know you know that. He has never stopped loving you!"
"Yeah, well you let me know when he is ready to tell me that himself, because until then I'm going on with some semblance of a normal life."
"Normal, This is your idea of normal? Like I said before, this is not you, and you know it."
"She's all I have, Bella, she's always been here, and I love her for that!"
"Oh, and you think that by marrying her you're giving her what she needs? Come on, Jasper, wake up! Alice would never want to be anyone's second choice. EVER!"
"Alice is not my second choice, Bella, she is my only choice!"
I can't deal with this conversation anymore, I know deep down what I'm doing isn't the right fucking choice, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone, regretting every moment not shared with the person I love more than anything in this world. Fuck, if anyone's settling, it's me!
"I have to go, Bella, I can't deal with this bullshit right now, especially knowing that, now I have to face seeing him tonight after all this time. I don't know, maybe I shouldn't even come."
"You have to come, Jasper, besides, how would you explain that one to Alice?"
She's right, I know she's right. But fuck, I just don't need this shit right fucking now.
"I'll be there, Bella, as you said, what fucking choice do I have? But you have to promise me you'll tell him. Before tonight, PROMISE ME! No matter what's happened between us in the past, he deserves to know this."
" I'll find some way to tell him. It's not going to be easy though, coming back here is already going to be hard on him."
"I think it might be a lot harder, Bella, if he's blindsided at the party. Don't you?"
" Y-yes, okay. I promise, Jasper, I'll tell him."
"Thank you, Bella, I'll see you tonight."
"Okay, bye," she said, hanging up.
I laid the phone down on the table in front of me, how the fuck am I going to do this? Seeing him again isn't something I think I can handle. The last time I saw him, I was walking out of his life for good, through no choice of my own.
September 13th, 2010
As Bella and I make the drive back into Forks from the airport in Port Angeles, all the reasons why I left this fucking place four fucking years ago come flooding back. I anticipated this happening, but the intense pain I feel in my chest, tells me that I am in no way prepared for this moment.
Flashback Senior Year~ Forks High Graduation Night
"Sit, Edward," Jasper pats the seat next to him on the piano bench.
I comply without question, curious as to where this is going. I've been teaching Jasper how to play the piano for almost a year now, and I don't have the heart to tell him I just don't think it's ever going to be his thing.
He looks over at me and smiles that fucking crooked grin of his and then turns forward again, raising his hands to the piano keys. "All for you," he breathes out as his fingers come down on the keys, and a familiar tune starts to flow from the piano. "Beautiful Disaster" by Kelly Clarkson. I feel my mouth drop open, in awe of the mind-blowing music flowing from his fingertips,.. when suddenly his mouth opens, and the music that flows from his lips makes me come undone.
He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He's as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world would cave in
It just ain't right
Lord, it just ain't right.
Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and laughter
Lord, Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
His voice is unlike anything I've ever heard, and I do not miss the meaning in this song. He is trying to tell me something,...everything.
He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
But do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold me tight
Hold me tight
Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
Hearing him sends chills through my entire body, and as much as I've tried to fight these feelings I've had since meeting him that very first time, I've never found that more difficult than at this very moment.
I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy, hysterical
I'm searching for some kind of miracle
Waited so long..
Waited So long.
He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the end he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take
Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
Such a beautiful disaster.
I can't breathe, as the last word falls from his lips. I am stunned into silence. Even though it's obvious he has been lying about his ability to play this whole time, none of that matters in this moment. Every emotion I've fought back in the last fucking year comes rushing out, as a lone tear escapes down my cheek.
He takes a deep breath, and reaches up to wipe the tear away, "Edward...," he whispers, "I love you, I've always loved you."
It's something I have always known, but hearing him say it takes my breath away.
"Jasper, I" I try to get the words out, I want desperately to tell him what he means to me, but I just can bring myself to say the words.
He looks over at me, and I am captivated by his beautiful blue eyes boring into me, my instincts naturally tell me to run, but I am too weakened by his words. Suddenly, without warning he crushes his lips to mine, and everything else disappears. God, how I have wanted this...wanted him for so long. Everything in me screams how wrong this is, but how can something that feels so good be so wrong?
My hands reach up and my fingers frantically weave through the soft curls on the back of his head, roughly pulling him as close to me as he can possibly get. He breaks away, trailing warm kisses down my jaw, as he reaches up popping the buttons on my shirt, and my breath hitches, when his tongue glides down my chest. Part of me is sick inside, knowing what his touch is doing to me. The other part, the one that has longed for this moment for so long, wants to accept this gift that he seems so willing to give me.
His hands slide down the contours of my chest, reaching my jeans, he quickly unbuttons them and reaches inside, wrapping his long fingers around my hardness, a low moan escapes my lips with the feel of his hands on me like this. I don't have the strength to fight him, even though everything in me is screaming to stop this.
"Jasper," I whimper bringing my lips to his once again, as his hand starts to move up and down my shaft. Fuck, it feels good.
"Edward, I want you," he moans against my lips, and with his words the battle raging inside of me reaches its breaking point. I reached down grabbing his hand from me, "NO!" I screamed, and shoved him away.
I stood up, backing away from him, and turned towards the window. Facing away from him I tried to block everything that just happened from my mind. I am angry now, angry at myself, for allowing it to go as far as I did. I am so busy screaming internally, I don't realize he is right behind me, and jump when I feel his hand on my shoulder from behind.
"Edward, what is it? What's wrong?" He questions, as he turns me around to face him,
I throw my hands up warning him to back away, "Just stay away, Jasper, don't come near me again!" I screamed.
He doesn't listen, and takes a step closer to me. "No, Edward...don't do this, please," he begged.
Something comes over me in that moment, and the anger building inside erupts. I grabbed a hold of him, flung him around and pushed him up against the wall. I rammed myself into him. "Is this what you want, Jasper? Is this at all what you imagined?" I furiously asked.
"Edward," he barely got out, as I planted my lips on his firmly, he doesn't fight me, which angers me even further and I break away, heaving him against the wall once more before letting go of him and backing away.
"This is who I am, Jasper, I will never be what you want me to be. I just can't be."
"Can't or won't Edward? You can pretend all you want that you feel nothing for me, but whether you like it or not, I see right through you and I know you feel something. Fighting it like this, doesn't make you more of a man, Edward. It makes you a fucking coward! Do you think for one second that this is what I envisioned for myself, that I don't have the same fucking fears you have? I don't care though, I know what I feel, what I have felt every moment since that first day I laid eyes on you. Unlike you, I don't have the fucking will to fight it."
He raises his hands to cup my face again, and I back away once more. He pauses for a moment looking into my eyes, what he hopes to see there I do not know. But I feel myself being pulled under his spell again as he stands there staring at me. I have to get away from him, before my strength falters again.
"Get out now, Jasper!" I growl.
"Please, Edward, don't do this," he begs, with tears in his eyes.
"No! This will NEVER happen! Leave NOW!" My only response, as I walk to the door and open it, motioning for him to leave.
The look of devastation in his eyes as he looks at me one last time, nearly brings me to my knees, but I won't let him see what he does to me. I am too good at this game, and he is a fool for ever believing he could change that. He slowly moves away from me and lowers his head. "You break my fucking heart, Edward Cullen," he whispers, barely audible. He turns and walks out the door, slamming it behind him.
As soon as he is gone, I fall to my knees and place my head in my hands as the traitor tears start to fall. The pain I feel radiating from my chest is almost more than I can bear. "He'll be back," I tell myself, knowing full well that he won't, the look in his eyes when he walked out was unmistakable. I have pushed him too fucking far.
Ever since the day he walked into my life, my whole world has been turned upside down, everything I thought to be true about myself has forever been changed by this boy. He's right, of course, he's right. Every single moment he is near me, he brings out emotions in me that I never thought possible. But I am not like him, I will never be what he needs me to be. I am cold, where he is warm. Broken where he is whole, he is everything I wish I could be, and everything I never will be.
Flash Forward September 13th, 2010
"Earth to Edward, this is supposed to be a party, are you okay?" I heard Bella ask, pulling me from my thoughts.
"Sorry, B," I replied, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her in for a hug. "I've just got a lot on my mind tonight."
Bella and I remained incredibly close all the way through college. So having graduated a little over a month ago now, I haven't seen her in awhile. She chose to come back here to Forks after graduation, and I chose to stay right where I was in California. I liked it there, the sun, the warmth, the people, and no fucking memories...
"What is it, E, you can talk to me, you know? I've missed you."
"I know, I've missed you too...I don't know, I think it's just being back here in Forks, it just feels different now."
"Different? Or maybe you mean the same, too many memories?"
Bella was really the only person I had ever confessed my true feelings about Jasper to. Course I didn't have much of a choice, she always had this nagging ability to see right through me. Those feelings have never gone away. Even after all this time, and being back here makes me miss him more than I ever did.
Over the last four years, I have come to realize how badly I fucked up back then. I was young, confused, and misled about the ways of the world. I was brought up to believe men and women grew up to get married, have children and all of the shit that is supposed to come with a so called "NORMAL LIFE". It was inconceivable to me that I may someday grow up and fall in love with another man, but that is exactly what happened. There is no denying it now, and to this day, I have never stopped loving him. There isn't a minute that goes by that I don't wish I had all that time back, to make things different.
He tried so hard back then, even though deep down I know he was just as scared of his feelings as I was, he never let that stop him from pursuing what he wanted. He was one of the strongest people I have ever met in my life. I only wish now that I could have been more like him. But I was just too fucked up then to let anyone in, let alone him. I'd already lost so many God damn people I'd loved in my life by then. It was just easier to push him away rather than have to deal with losing him later.
"Yeah...I guess you could say that."
She looked at me with a sad expression on her face, "Look, E, there's something I need to tell you."
"What is it, B? You know you can tell me anything," I replied.
Just as those words were out of my mouth, I felt that familiar electricity in the air and heard the sound of his voice from behind me. My heart started to fucking race, and I was finding it hard to breathe. I jerked my head around to see him walking into the room.
I looked back at Bella stunned, and really fucking pissed that she didn't mention he would be here. "What the fuck, B?" I sneered.
"Yeah, about that, there's something you need to know," she said just as I turned around again and our eyes met for the first time in four years.
He gazed at me with a sad smile playing on his lips, and I swear there were tears in those beautiful blue eyes of his. It's been too fucking long.
I stood up, unaware that my body was being involuntarily drawn to him, "I'm sorry, E, I wasn't sure if you were actually going to come, and well, I really didn't know how to tell you."
"How about, hey, E, maybe you should know Jasper is going to be here tonight?" I said angrily. I didn't care, she could have fucking warned me.
"What was is it I need to know, B?"
"What?" she said.
"You just said there was something I needed to know, what the fuck is it?" just as she opened her mouth to answer, Jasper appeared right in front of us.
"Jasper," I choked out, I wanted desperately to reach out and touch him, and as I raised my hand up do just that, he backed away from me.
"Edward, I," he stopped, and everything became clear, when Alice suddenly appeared by his side.
This is what Bella was trying to tell me, he wasn't here alone. I can't fucking believe he came here with her, here of all places.
"Sorry, baby," she said kissing him on the cheek. "I was catching up with some friends."
She glanced at me, and I'm sure my feelings were written all over my face. But that didn't stop her from hammering the final nail into my coffin. "Hey, Edward, it's good to see you! Did Bella tell you the good news yet?"
"Alice, stop." Jasper butted in.
"No, what's the good news?" I was almost too afraid to ask.
"Alice, please" Jasper begged her to stop.
"Jasper and I are getting married," she replied, smiling wide.
When the words slipped from her lips, I felt like the wind had been knocked right out of me. Finally after all this time, I can admit to myself how much he fucking means to me, and now it's too late? How the hell am I supposed to handle that? The only way I know how, I need to get the fuck out of here, and now.
I turned, ready to bolt for the door, when Jasper's hand came up grabbing my arm trying to stop me. "Edward, wait, please?"
I shrugged his arm off. "Let me fucking go, Jasper," I growled.
He let go, and backed away with his hands in the air. I looked him in the eye one last time, he no doubt saw the anger in my expression because he didn't try and stop me again. I turned, flinging the door open, and nearly sprinted outside. This was just like that night all over again. Having to watch something end before it even begins, only this time it was out of my control. I had lost him to her forever, and had only my fucking self to blame for it.
When I got outside I realized I couldn't go anywhere because my fucking car was sitting at home in California, where I should be right now. Why I ever thought coming back here would be a good idea is beyond me. I bent over grabbing my chest, on the verge of hyperventilating.
"E, are you okay?" Bella asked from behind me.
"Do I fucking look okay, Bella? Why didn't you warn me? I don't think I ever would have come back if I had known."
"Maybe that's exactly why I didn't tell you, E. Did you ever consider once, how hard it's been for me to sit back and watch you, my only real friend in the world, live in such misery?"
"Oh, and you think this was a way to make that misery go away, Bella? Do you have any idea what this has done to me? Any idea at all how hard it is to have my past mistakes thrown in my fucking face over and over again?"
"I don't know what I thought, Edward, but here's what I do know, you can't spend the rest of your life hiding away from everyone you love, E. You love Jasper. You have to know you can't hide from that the rest of your life."
"What is it you actually expect me to do, Bella, run back in there and confess my undying love for him? Do you really think that would make a difference now anyway? I pushed him away, I threw him out right after he told me he loved me. I know how hard that must have been for him to do; I knew it even then. It didn't matter though. I fucking broke his heart and I can never fix that! There will never be a happy ending for Jasper and me. The sooner we all see that, the better off we will be."
"Fine, Edward!" She said turning back towards the door," You just run back to California and pretend like none of it ever happened. We both know that's what you're best at anyway."
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Bella?"
She took a step towards me, and planted her finger right in my chest, "You know exactly what it means, Edward. That's all you've ever done, ever since I first met you. You shut everyone out, never letting them know the real you. That beautiful person that I know you are underneath all the bullshit. You think that by doing that, it somehow saves you from ever being hurt again, the way you were when you lost your parents. You can't hide forever, E. At some point you are going to have grow up, and face the fact that we all deal with pain in our lives, maybe not to the extent that you have, but we deal with it nonetheless. If you keep running from life like this, you'll never find true happiness."
I brought my hand up running my fingers through my hair, "I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do, Bella! Please tell me what to do." I felt those traitor tears threaten to escape again.
"Well, for starters," she said, wrapping her arms around me, "you have to stop running. Decide what you want, Edward, and fight for it with everything you have."
"I'm scared, B, I'm scared to death that I've lost any hope of ever really getting what I want. You're right, I love him. I love him so fucking much, but he doesn't love me anymore. He loves her."
A throat cleared from behind us, and we both turned around to see Jasper standing there.
"Bella, can I talk to Edward alone please?" Jasper asked.
"Yes," was all she said, looking up at me smiling, and retreating back in the house.
"How long have you been standing there, Jasper?"
"Long enough," he whispered.
He stood there for a long moment in silence, before looking over at me. "You know you're wrong, right?" he asked.
"W-wrong?" I questioned.
"Yes, wrong." he responded.
"Wrong about what?"
"Everything," he choked out.
"Do you really believe for one minute, that I could ever stop loving you?
My breath hitched. "But Alice?" was all I could get out.
"I knew the risk I was taking that night, by telling you I loved you. I was pretty damn sure you weren't going to accept it. I couldn't stand back any more and pretend that what I was feeling for you wasn't real. That is your game not mine, so I did the only thing I could do at the time, I walked away. I hoped for a long time that you would find the courage to admit you loved me, but after awhile that hope faded, Edward. I realized that maybe there was always too much stacked against us. Alice was there. She was always there, and I do love her for it. So I took the only path I could. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone."
"That's not my game anymore, Jasper,"
"How can I know that for sure, Edward? Tell me why, after all this time, I should take any kind of chance with you?"
"Because I do love you, I always have. I knew it then. Hell, I think I knew it the first moment I met you. But you were right, I was a coward. I was terrified, and not just for the obvious reasons. Jasper, everything I love, I lose."
"That's not true, Edward," he said.
"Of course it is. My parents, have you forgotten about them? They were everything and in the flick of a switch, they were taken from me," I said angrily.
"How could I forget that Edward, ever, but what about all the others? Bella, for one, she has always loved you, always been such a good friend to you. Esme and Carlisle, they took you in, and they loved you as their own. Me, Edward. Despite all of your flaws, and all the time that has slipped by us, I still love you, and I am still here. Maybe if you stopped spending all your time worrying about losing, you would realize what's been right in front of you all this time."
"You're not still here, Jasper. You're with her now. You say you still love me, but you're going to marry her. Do you even love her?"
"Of course I love her, Edward, she deserves to have my love."
My heart started to thump in my chest, I desperately wanted to tell him what a mistake he was making. That no one could ever love him like I did. I know the mistakes I've made, and I would never make them again, given a second chance.
"Jasper, I," he took a step towards me, and brought his fingers to my lips stopping me.
"Please, Edward, let me finish."
"O-okay," I whispered..
"You asked me if I love her, and my honest answer is yes, I do. If you are asking me if I love her enough to spend the rest of my life with her, then my answer would have to be no. Yesterday, I would have told you that I did, but the moment I looked into your eyes again today, I knew I have only been fooling myself into believing that. One look at you, and that life I have been living for the last four years became nothing more than a lie."
"What are you saying, Jasper?"
He looked at me, those blue eyes of his filled with tears, "I'm saying, that I have to do what's best for me, Edward."
Oh, God, is he saying goodbye? I don't think I can deal with that. How can continuing to marry her be what's best for him, if what he just said is true? Panic started to take over. I lowered my head, I couldn't look at him. Not if he was going to leave.
He brought his finger up, placing it on my chin, and raised my face so that our eyes met once again. "Edward, you are what's best for me," he said, as one side of his mouth lifted in that crooked grin of his I have missed so much.
My fucking heart melted with his words. A smile spread across my face, as I reached my arms up wrapping them around him and pulling him close to me. "Do you really mean that, Jasper?" I whispered in his ear.
He pulled away for a brief second to look at me again, "Yes, Edward, I love you. It's always been you," he breathed.
I couldn't control my actions in that moment, I was so fucking happy and all I could think about was kissing him. I brought my hands up placing them on the sides of his face, pulled him to me and kissed him softly. Pulling away, I looked at him once more. "I love you too, Jasper, always."
"What the fuck is going on, Jasper?" I heard Alice screech from behind us.
Jasper turned around to look at her, "Alice, I," she cut him off abruptly.
She looked up at me, hatred lacing her face. "Don't bother, Jasper!" She sneered, still looking at me. "I guess you've won, Edward," she snapped, as she turned around and took off towards their car.
He looked back at me, with an apologetic look on his face. I know what he is silently asking me. "Go after her, Jasper, it's ok. I'm not going anywhere," I assured him.
He smiled at me one last time, and then took off behind her.
"Alice. Please, just let me explain." I begged.
"There's nothing to explain, Jasper, I heard everything I needed to hear. I am such a fucking idiot." She said, tears streaming down her cheeks.
"You're not an idiot, why would you say that?"
"Because, I actually believed that I could make you love me, Jasper."
"I do love you, Alice." I replied, trying to calm her down.
"Just not the way you love him, right? Tell me I'm wrong, Jasper."
I lowered my head, unable to look her in the eyes, "I can't do that, Alice."
She shook her head and laughed hysterically, as she plopped down in the chair, placing her head in her hands. "I always knew this day was going to come, Jasper, I don't know why I'm so surprised. I saw it even back then, the way you looked at him. I spent so much time, wishing you would look at me that way, but you never have. When you asked me to marry you, I honestly started to believe, that maybe you really did love me. I was wrong, I realized the moment I saw you look at him tonight, that you will never love me the way you love him."
I dropped down on my knees in front of her, placing my hands on her knees. "Alice, I'm so sorry, I need you to know, I never did any of this to intentionally hurt you."
She lifted her head up and looked at me. "I do know that, Jasper, I'm just trying to understand."
"Understand what?" I questioned.
She sighed heavily, pushed my hands from her knees, and stood up. As she walked towards the window, looking out said, "What it is about Edward Cullen, that you have never been able to let go of? I mean, what does he have that I don't?"
"I can't explain that to you, Alice. It's not about him having anything that you don't. It's just something I knew from the moment I met him. He has always been the one for me, and no matter how much either one of us has tried to fight it, that will never change."
She turned around to face me, tears streaming down her face, feigning a smile. "You're wrong, Jasper, he does have something I have never had."
"What is that?" I asked, tears now threatening to escape my eyes as well. I never wanted to hurt her, but I knew deep down I should have never taken things this far. I should have let her go a long time ago.
She walked back over to me, raised her hand in the air and pointed her finger in my chest, just over my heart, and looked up at me. "Your heart," she said simply.
"Alice, I-I'm so-" she brought her hand up, cutting me off again.
"Don't!" she choked out, barely audible. "Please just go, find him, and that happiness you have been longing for, for so long." She pointed towards the door, silently pleading for me to leave.
So, I did the only thing I could do in that moment. I walked out of that door, and I did exactly what Alice asked me to do. I found my happiness, with him. My beautiful disaster.