A/N: This was written for a cracky crossover challenge. It is a crossover between 18th century Handelian opera and Sherlock. What can I say? It was co-plotted with labourslamp. I have added more notes at the end for anyone brave enough to read through with out any prior knowledge of 18th c opera. Also, the urls are for the real Handel songs that those words fit, if you're interested. You might not have time to listen to the songs the whole way through, but just a snippet could be entertaining. :-)


Ciarlocco Furioso,
ossia
Too Hot to Handel

It oftentimes happen'd likewise, that the finest Notes in the Air fell upon the most insignificant Words in the Sentence. I have know the Word And pursu'd through the whole Gamut, have been entertain'd with many a melodious The, and have heard the most beautiful Graces, Quavers and Divisions bestow'd upon Then, For, and From; to the eternal Honour of our English Particles.–Joseph Addison on Italian Opera sung in English from The Spectator No. 18

ARIA (John)
http : / / www . youtube . com / watch?v=P7U7kspn7r0

Winds
Winds, for pity's sake
Breathe onto my breast
As a comfort-oh lord!-
As a comfort-oh lord!-
To my sadness
To my sadness
To my sadness-
oh lord!-
To my sadnes
Winds, for pity's sake
for pity's sake
Winds breathe onto my breast
As a comfort-oh lord!-
To my sadness
To my sadness

[SHERLOCK: Wha-]

Say
Say
Why it is
That I must follow him
That most infuriating man
When I am tired
Say
Say
For when I am very hungry and tired
And haven't eaten for hours
I find them in the ice box:
The dismembered body parts from the morgue

[SHERLOCK: John, why is your voice so high? It sounds ridic—]

Winds, for pity's sake
Breathe onto my breast
As a comfort-oh lord!-
As a comfort-oh lord!-
To my sadness
To my sadness
To my sadness-
Oh lord!-
To my sadness.
Winds, for pity's sake
for pity's sake
Winds, breathe onto my breast
As a comfort-oh lord!-
To my sadness
To my sadness
To my sadness

RECITATIVO

SHERLOCK: Gianni, in the past nine minutes and forty-three seconds you have managed to express precisely one vapid emotion in the most repetitive manner possible. In the years that I have known you, I have not…

JOHN: Did you notice that you are singing? And that you called me Gianni?

SHERLOCK: Yes, of course I did. I have also observed that we are singing alto.

JOHN: When you interrupted my song!

SHERLOCK: It was drivel. A waste of Nine minutes and forty three seconds. Any interruption from me was a relief.

JOHN: Thanks, Ciarlocco. But how is this possible? You're rubbish at singing. I'mrubbish at singing!

SHERLOCK: Facts! What are our facts? First: You sang an incredibly dull song about your sadness for nine minutes and forty-three seconds. Second: We are singing to each other right now. Third: We are addressing each other by Italian names. Fourth: We do not seem to be able to speak naturally.

JOHN: Then how…

SHERLOCK. Shut up and let me think! If we could only…

JOHN: Why don't we ask the man playing the piano?

SHERLOCK: What ma—Micorotto! What are you doing here, birbone?

MYCROFT: It's a harpsichord, Gianni. And Mummy would be so displeased, Ciarlocco, that you do not recognize an eighteenth century opera seria when you are in one.

SHERLOCK: Opera is irrelevant to my work.

MYCROFT: Is it now? Let me enlighten you, then. You are in an eighteenth century Italian opera. You are both castrati…

JOHN: Castrat…

SHERLOCK: Be quiet, Gianni!

MYCROFT: Castrati, which means one of you is probably the romantic hero. The other might be his lover, or her eunuch, or…

SHERLOCK: Then you did this?

MYCROFT: No, I'm just the continuo.

JOHN: The continuo?

SHERLOCK: This is recitative secco, buffone! Do keep up. But all your information is irrelevant, Micorotto. If you would let me think, I would be able to deduce how we might extricate ourselves from this situation.

JOHN: What if we just keep singing? Maybe when we get to the end...

SHERLOCK: Absolutely not. I refuse to sing a repetitive aria. I'm a consulting detective, not a performing monkey! The very idea makes me furious!

ARIA (Sherlock)
http : / / www . youtube . com / watch?v=anm4M_FD5sI

When the idiots who populate this planet
Think they're smart and open their mouths
Think they're smart
and open
and open their mouths
When the idiots
Who populate
This planet
Who populate this planet
Think they're smart
and open
and open their mouths
When the idiots
Who populate
This planet
Think they're smart
And open their mouths
And open their mouths

In my great brain there is unflagging fury
At their stulti
At their stultifying slowness
At their stultifying slowness
In my great brain there is unflagging fury
At their stulti
At their stultifying slowness

When the idiots who populate this planet
Think they're smart and open their mouths
Think they're smart
and open
and open their mouths
When the idiots
Who populate
This planet
Who populate this planet
Think they're smart
and open
and open their mouths
When the idiots
Who populate
This planet
Think they're smart
And open their mouths
And open their mouths

JOHN: And you said you were... a consulting detective, Ciarlocco?

SHERLOCK: Misero, attendi! Se vuoi morir!


Notes:

This is going to be a terrible explanation. I apologize in advance.

Very little usually happens in an 18th century opera seria. The storyline can often be summed up in a few paragraphs. The action takes place during the "recitative" where the singers sing as if speaking. A continuo instrument plays chords behind the singers, but the singers take it at their pace, etc. In between the recitative-in-which-very-little-happens there are songs in which the characters express their emotions/reactions... for a long time... The most famous type of song (or aria) was the Da Capo Aria.

The Da Capo Aria was the staple of 18th century opere serie. There is an A section, followed by a contrasting B section, followed by the A section again. The fun of this is that during the repeat of the A section, the singer ornamented like crazy. (This is just as fun to do as to listen to!).

The stars of opere seriewere very often castrati. They were castrated around the age of 12 (I think) so that their voices would never change. This created a sound with the clearness of a boy, but the power of a man's lungs behind it. By all accounts is was a uniquely lovely sound. However, we're all happy that we don't do that anymore... Anyway... Castrati were the rock stars of the 18th century. They played the romantic hero AND the romantic heroine at times. They also played eunuchs and bad guys... and, well... pretty much anyone. But the main thing is that they played both men and women.

So that's my terrible explanation of opera seria. All appearances to the contrary, I could actually give a pretty decent lecture on the subject, but it's 3AM, so if you want to learn more, I suggest wikipedia.

I might make this more coherent in the morning. :-)

PS: Seriously, you could sing those lyrics along with the song. It would be awkward at times BUT THAT WAS TOTALLY INTENTIONAL! :-P

PPS: I hope my made up Italian names don't mean something awful in Italian. I was just doing my best (AKA goofiest) approximation of Italian transliterations of not-remotely-Italian names. Sort of like... Serse for Xerxes... that sort of thing...