I sat up in my bed, wiping the tears as they slowly slid down my face. The feeling of being alone seeping through my veins. Nick's words playing through my mind over and over again. The emotions resurfacing as I remembered how gentle he was. Laying here in bed, I made a decision, to forgive and forget. I'm going to forgive him for everything hes ever said to me that hurt, for every bad feeling hes ever caused, and I'm going to forget. I'm going to forget all our good memories, all the laughs we've had, all the moment's I've ever felt even a hint of safety with him. I'm going to forget...him.
How did I get this point in my life?
We've been on the road for a while. They've been giving me the silent treatment since Arkansas. I thought of what I had done as we passed the Mexican Border. I had done something shameful. I wish I could take it back, I wish I could rewind time, or pretend like it never happened, but it did. When we were staying in a hotel in Arkansas, I got into a huge fight with Nick and Kira, I had tried telling them that I didn't want to be treated like a child anymore, that I'm 17 years old now. Kira retaliated with "What do you expect when you act like a child?". So began the huge fight between Kira and I, and before I could stop myself, I punched her square in her jaw. I don't remember much after that, but when Nick managed to pull us apart, she was bleeding profusely from her nose. I, realizing what I had done, tried to help her. She pushed me away roughly, "Fuc-!". I tried again to help her, but was pushed away once again, this time by Nick, who was fuming with me. "Cassie, just go", he never calls me by my full name, so I took it as a threat. I left.
I wandered around for a little while, stopping at a small shop to clean up. She had gotten a few hits in as well, and I was bleeding from my lip. There was also a stain of blood on my white t-shirt, luckily I had a sweater to cover it. I mean, I felt bad about the whole Kira thing, mostly because Nick was hurt in the process. I knew Kira didn't like me and hasn't liked me from the beginning. Ever since she escaped division for the second time and came back for Nick, who insisted on me tagging along saying, "I can't leave her". That's what hurt the most, Nick had taken a chance with me, and I let him down.
I had sat down on a bench about an 20 minutes away from the hotel we were staying. I don't remember how long I was there, but I remember seeing Nick and Kira pull up and tell me to get in. I reluctantly got in, struggling to contain my emotions. All my clothes were packed for me. I guess division had found out where we were staying and we were back on the road. It was eerily silent in the car. I decided to leave it be and turned away from them. Pressing the curved structure of my headphones against my ears, attempting to drown out any attempt to speak to me. I could tell they had started speaking, realizing I couldn't hear them. Probably about me.
The ride all the way to Arizona was like a nightmare. When I finally had the courage to try and speak up. I turned off my iPod. Apparently they didn't know I had turned it off because they continued talking. "Nick, this has gotten out of hand", Kira spat, as I heard the venom breaking through to her voice. "Listen, we'll talk about this when we get there" Nick calmly said, trying to stay quiet. "Nick, you and I both know what has to happen and-" Nick interrupted "Kira! I told you we'll talk about this when we get there!" Nick's voice had an edge that made me want to hide in a corner.
I sat there contemplating what was in store for me. The thought of them leaving me never quite got through to me. A dozen things broke through my head and I couldn't contain the tears that I had been fighting so long. As I silently wiped them away, I let a slight sniffle erupt the silence in the car. I could tell Nick had peered over the seat to look back at me, but I didn't want to look at him. I kept my eye's fixed on the surrounding architecture.
When we finally got to the motel, I got my own, and they got a room for themselves. They didn't speak to me as they walked off to their room. I watched in a daze as they entered their room without so much as a goodnight.
After about of an hour, I got a vision. It was division, they had fallen off our trail. I decided that even though they were mad at me, I need to tell them. As I got up the courage to walk over to their room which was 2 doors down, I softly knocked on the door. I didn't expect Nick to open the door so aggressively, I almost lost my footing. I stuttered as the panic surged through my body "Division lost us". Nick reluctantly allowed the anger erase from his eyes as he heard the fear in my voice. "Listen Cass-" Kira interrupted "Just tell her and get it over with". My eyes wandered around their room to find Kira leaning against the bathroom doorway, staring directly at me. I heard the sympathy in his voice "We think it's time to-" Nick abruptly stopped as though to consider whether or not to speak. "We think it's time you got lost" Kira indicated as she came up and pressed herself against the door frame. I looked at her in disbelief not grasping what she was saying at first. "You know, find somewhere else to go without us" Kira grinned. As the realization sunk in, I looked at Nick in astonishment "You can't possibly agree with what she's saying?" The tears threatening to break through. "You want me to leave?" my voice raising dramatically. "Listen, Cass-" he spoke softly as he reached for me. I pulled away from his reach, "No no no, Nick!" I let out a breathy sigh, ignoring my trembling fingers. "Tell me, is this what you're going to do? Just throw me away like everyone else because of one mistake?". I fought the urge to fall to my knees begging him to let me stay, I wasn't going to fight for someone who didn't want me. I stood there, waiting for his response. I seemed like decades before he finally spoke, "It's just what we all need right now, Cassie". "Is this what you want, or what she wants?" I stepped forward a little bit, blocking her out of my view. "If this is what you want, I'll leave. I won't come back, if that is what makes you happy, but if this is what Kira wants...I'll apologize to her, I'll try to make it up". I flickered my glance towards her for a second. Her face had lost all anger, her face had twisted into confusion. He spoke up "This is what I want".
I broke. My emotions showing on my face, betrayal, hurt, rejection. I walked away from his room without a second glance. As I finally reached my room, I walked in without looking over at Nick, who was standing there watching me. I closed my door lightly, sliding down with my back against the door, and pulling my knees to my chest. I cried. I would have sobbed if Nick wasn't only two doors down.
I was lost in my own life. I had no where to go, I had no family, I had nothing, no one. This would be the rest of my life, being alone. Lonely days, even lonelier nights. Realization sunk in, I was completely and utterly alone.
I made the decision.
That morning, exhausted from crying all night, lifted myself up off the bed. I packed my clothes all my clothes, not even bothering to leave a goodbye note. As I walked out of the hotel room, the thought of Nick passed through my mind. Hoping this decision would truly make him happy, hoping he made the right decision. I wondered if he would care if I was gone, but I pushed the thought out of my head. Of-course he would, it was his decision after all...
I closed the door to my hotel room.
Walking over to the taxi I had called, I watched the motel as the Taxi driver put my bags in the trunk.
"Ready, little lady?" the taxi driver spoke with such kindness, I could only smile back with the same. "Yes, I am", and got inside the taxi. Just as we were about to pull off, Nick walked out of his room, dropping his bags as he saw me. I didn't understand why he looked so shocked to see me go, but I shrugged it off. I almost thought he would run after me, you know, tell the driver to stop, and pull me out, hugging me tightly. He didn't. He just watched as we drove away.
I held back on crying. I really was alone.
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