Title: Playful Looks
Disclaimer: Doctor Who belongs to various persons and corporations that are not me or associated with me. This piece of fanfiction is written with the admiration and respect for the original work. I claim no ownership of Doctor Who's creations. No profit is made from this material, now or in the future.
Pairings: Eleven/River, Rory/Amy
WARNING: It contains spoilers up to and including 6x07.
Notes: This was written for the Guns and Curls Ficathon over on the spoiler_song community on LJ. The prompt was set by scandaloussteph: River + Amy, I can't believe I never saw the resemblance before. Thanks to r34dinglight for beta.
Summary: Fun with fanfiction tropes and canon cliches. The TARDIS gets a cold. The Doctor digs himself a grave. Amy thinks they should make him beg. River refuses to behave. Rory gets uncomfortable.
"You're taking us to a sexist planet?" Amy's tone of voice had Rory sidling around the TARDIS console, away from the Doctor and the line of fire.
"No!" the Doctor answered, even while River said, "Yes."
The Doctor paused to give her a glare but as soon as he returned his attention to Amy, Rory saw River roll her eyes. When she realized that he noticed, she winked. Rory still hadn't quite wrapped his head around the whole, 'This woman twice my age who likes to shoot people and flirt with objects is my daughter,' business and so was torn between smiling back like a friend and frowning like a father-figure. He probably just ended up looking constipated. Luckily, River was too busy listening to the Doctor dig himself into a hole to care.
"The planet's not sexist! The people are! Do keep up, Pond." With that, the Doctor turned back to the console and began to press buttons that zinged and pull levers with so much force that it made Rory cringe with sympathy. "The planet is perfectly nice and non-sentient and has no specific opinion about whose job it is to take out the trash or which spouse should drive." River chuckled softly to herself before she saw what Amy liked to call the Doctor's 'pouty face' focused on her.
"Sorry, sweetie," River said.
"Annnnnywaysss," the Doctor continued, eyes lingering on River a long moment before returning to the display screen. "As long as we try to blend in with the locals, everything should be fine."
All three of them scoffed at that in unison and the Doctor looked around him as if witnessing a mutiny. "And what is that supposed to mean?" he demanded. In turn, the Doctor looked at River, who only fluttered her eyelashes at him - causing him to clear his throat and straighten his bow-tie-, then at Amy, who opened her mouth to reply but could only giggle instead, then finally at Rory, who liked to believe he was the mature one and so felt it was his responsibility to answer.
"Well, Doctor," Rory replied, "it's not like you excel at blending in."
The Doctor made a wordless sound of protest.
"And," Amy cut in, "every time you tell us everything should be fine, we're pretty much guaranteed to end up arrested. Or Rory almost dies." Rory nodded his head with a grimace.
"That's not true!" the Doctor whined. Honestly, he could whine like he was nineteen, not nine-hundred. Sometimes, Rory thought the Doctor wasn't old enough for his daughter, and then he'd realize all the implications of what he was actually thinking about. It usually ended up with him getting a major migraine and the Doctor giving him nervous glances as he sharpened his gladius at the breakfast table. "Remember the pirates? That turned out all right. Singing, green girls in dresses. That was fun." He rubbed his hands together and looked at them earnestly.
"Yeah, and I almost died," Rory reminded him.
"Yeah, and I had to perform CPR," Amy said, giving the Doctor an arch look that made Rory feel warm and gooey inside. "Don't you remember?"
"Well, now that you mention it," the Doctor waved some fingers near his own head. "that does seemalittlebitfamiliar. How about the honey moon I dropped you both off on?"
Rory felt himself blush and decided to find his shoes fascinating. Amy crossed her arms, cleared her throat, and with only a quick sideway glance at River, muttered, "Arrested."
"What? The honey moon doesn't even have a legal system! How did you manage that?"
"We just did."
"There are only fifty people living on that moon. They don't even have police! How would they arrest you? They certainly wouldn't have handcuffs."
"They used ours, okay!"
River laughed while the Doctor spluttered.
"What about that chip shop on New Mars?" Rory offered, not to defend the Doctor, but to change the subject.
"Right!" The Doctor grabbed onto the thought like it was a lifeline and the ship was going down. "The chip shop! One stop, nothing happened, ate some greasy chips, I got indigestion, we all went home. Hooray."
"Rory choked on a chip," Amy said. "You had to perform the Heimlich."
"Oh, right. London then. 2015. To pick up some milk."
"Rory again," Amy answered. "You got distracted by a butterfly. He tripped over your shoe and-."
"And almost got ran over by a bus," the Doctor finished for her.
"I'm sensing a pattern here," River dryly remarked from beside Amy.
"Me too," the Doctor agreed, leveling an appraising glance on Rory. "Perhaps you should stay behind on this one, Rory."
"Thanks, Doctor," he said, "but the common denominator here is you, not me. I'll have you know, before meeting you, I never died."
"Yeah and how boring was that!"
"All right, sweetie," River soothed, placing a hand on the bend of his arm. "No one's denying you're fun to be with." That seemed to appease him a bit and he gave River a small smile that Rory wasn't sure he was entirely comfortable seeing.
"I am, aren't I?" the Doctor murmured, angling his body in just such a way that it was apparent Amy and Rory were no longer part of this conversation.
"Even when-." He glanced over his shoulder at them before turning back to River. He shrugged his shoulders beneath his coat. "You know."
"Always," River purred back.
The Doctor grinned like an idiot. "Cool."
Considering the way River's hand began to wander toward the Doctor's chest, Rory thought it prudent to interrupt. "Back to the sexist planet," he said and the Doctor turned around with the guiltiest look on his face. Rory had the sudden thought that a rolled up newspaper would be more appropriate for dealing with the man than his sword. No. Bad Doctor. No flirting with my daughter. Rory shook his head to clear it of the thought. "Do we have to go there?"
"Yes, we have to!" the Doctor insisted. "It's not like I'd choose to go to masochistic planets just for sightseeing and culture. Believe me, institutionalized bondage is not my idea of a good time." The Doctor caught the dreamy look in River's eye and blushed. "Behave!" he hissed, ducking his head to hide his smile and trying to focus on the controls. "The TARDIS picked up a bug on our last stop. Nothing dangerous!" he reassured when he saw their panicked looks. "Just uncomfortable and a drain on her energy. Imagine a cold for time machines and you'll have the general idea. There's a special oil produced on this planet and easily available during this time period. For her, it's the equivalent of that stuff your mum used to rub on your chest to help you breath at night."
"That . . . actually kind of made sense," Rory said.
"I know," Amy replied. "How weird."
"So, Doctor, what do we need to do?" River asked.
Amy nodded. "Yeah, how do we blend in on a planet where we are supposed to be biologically-engineered to not be sentient?"
"Uh, not much." The Doctor walked around the console, twisting the bathtub fixtures and pumping something with his foot. "Just stay behind me and Rory. You'll need to wear short skirts. Amy, you should like that. You'll also need to wear leashes. River, I suspect you might like that. Giggle inanely whenever we say anything halfway clever. Ask us to explain any big words. Oh, and it'd help if you looked at us with vacant, adoring expressions."
He finally glanced up to find both Amy and River beside each-other, fixing him with frowns and crossed arms.
"No, that's rubbish," he replied. "That won't do at all. Smile and -oh, I don't know- try to look less intelligent somehow."
Both of them simultaneously raised their eyebrows almost to their hairlines.
"Oooh!" the Doctor said, pointing at them with a finger. "Did you practice that? No, no! Of course not. It'll be genetic. I can't believe I never saw the resemblance before! Rory, did you see that?"
"Yeah, sorry mate, but considering I know what that look means, you're on your own. Don't bring me into this."
The Doctor stared at Rory in confusion for one long moment before his eyes suddenly widened and his body went rigid. Rory watched the color drain from his face with some dark amusement. "Oh." He slowly turned his head back to look at River and Amy. His pointing finger fell and he giggled nervously. "Um."
"Choose your words carefully, sweetie."
"Yeah, think real hard before you say anything, because the temper's probably genetic too."
The Doctor put on his best smile. "I'm . . . sorry?"
"Good choice," River said, her own smile beginning to break through.
"Right! Yes! Sorry!" He clapped his hands together and beamed at them before dashing to the other side of the console.
Amy pouted and bumped River's shoulder with her own. "Should have made him beg."
"River!" the Doctor warned just as she opened her mouth. She shut it again with a sigh and rueful smile. Rory tried not to think about that. The Doctor pulled the lever and they landed with such a wheezing crash that they all nearly lost their footing. Before anyone else was done setting themselves right, the Doctor was racing for the door. He skidded to a stop just before crashing into it. "On second thought, probably best I go by myself. There's no way either of you could pass for unintelligent. Impossible! Unthinkable!"
"Overdoing it now," River sing-songed.
"And Rory!" the Doctor said. "Well. Best keep him away from sharp objects until we're back in the vortex."
"Oh thanks," he muttered.
"Be back before you know it," and with that the Doctor opened the door, stepped out, and closed it behind him. Two seconds later, the door opened again and the Doctor slipped his head in. "By the way, if I come home with a woman, it's only because they sometimes come free with purchases. Start thinking of names." Then he was gone.
"Pfft," Rory scoffed and looked at the two women with a dramatically offended expression. "He's joking, right?"
"He better be," Amy growled.
They both looked at River when she remained ominously silent. She had the grace to look embarrassed. "Spoilers."
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