A/N: Love to Countess Black

This is meta-fiction, meaning fiction about fiction, where characters interact directly with the author, with the audience, and in the knowledge they are characters.

There's a fic-meme going round called 'Things I Am Not Allowed to Do at Hogwarts'. I thought it would be funny to be the opposite-things the characters are not allowed to do the author anymore. In other words, the characters are writing fan-fiction about themselves.

As such, every character writes in their own voice, and none of them have anything flattering to say.

Also, 'Honeyduck' is a reference to Erastes Fulman of 'Rome', one of my all time favourite villains. I think he and Scabior would understand one another, don't you?

Rule One: Madea's Room is Not Clothing Optional

All I was doin was walkin about in me skivvies to try an cool off-beastly ot ere, jus beastly-when that muggle bird start t screech t beats the band. And I sez, what, oneyduck?

An she sez put on sum clothes, Scabior, my God.

And I sez, it's natural, this is, nothin t be ashamed of. Aint you never seen a man in is smalls, then?

She looked all posh like an sed course she ad.

So I sez, well, you aint married, for all that, are you?

And she sed that weren't the point, was it?

All I did was tells er mebbe if she weren't so shirty bout things, she wouldn't be as old as she is an not married.

She set up a ruckus then, you can b'lieve! Screamin and yellin and makin all sortsa racket, til finally I leaves in self defense.

Next thing I knows, there's a sign on the door an it sez 'Madea's Room is Not Clothing Optional.'