L-chan's notes: When you read too many fanfics, especially the bad ones, they all start to sound the same. I saw this idea under another category, and thought it could be applied to CCS stories. What if all the clichés appeared in one bad story? You might get something a little like this….
~~~~The CCS "Fanfic Clichés" Fanfic: A Parody~~~~
Disclaimer: CLAMP owns CCS. I don't, but I wish I did. Don't sue me! I only have a penny.
It was a bright, sunny day in Tomoeda. Sakura and Syaoran, two twelve-year-old students at Tomoeda Elementary, were sitting in the schoolyard, eating their lunches and stealing glances at each other.
Syaoran brushed his messy chestnut hair out of his shining amber eyes, shimmering pools that Sakura just wanted to drown in. She blushed when he looked into her glowing emerald orbs. I could look into her eyes forever, he thought.
"Sakura?" he said, turning red.
"Yes?" She tilted her head questioningly.
"I… umm… I...."
"I… I love...." Just say it, man. "I love… ice cream. Wanna get some ice cream after school?"
"Okay," she answered. She ran her hands through her short auburn hair nervously. "Umm, Syaoran-kun?"
"I… umm… I really like… strawberry ice cream."
A pretty girl with amethyst eyes and dark hair was hiding behind a tree, aiming her video camera at the kawaii couple. "Ohohohohohoho," Tomoyo laughed evilly. "Come on, Eriol-kun, let's come up with a way to get these two to finally admit their feelings for one another."
Eriol looked around, confused. "What the heck am I doing here? I thought I went back to England!"
Tomoyo laughed again. "No, silly, you're here because you secretly love me and want to play mean tricks on your cute little descendant!"
"Of course. Here, read these and get caught up." Tomoyo gave Eriol a stack of stories printed out from FanFiction.net.
Eriol gave the pages a quick once-over. "Good grief, what have they done to the English language?" he muttered.
Kaho Mizuki stood in a third-floor classroom, looking out the window at the students below. They all looked so happy. And cute. "There's nothing on this earth cuter than a young boy," she sighed. She knew that Eriol was going to dump her for Tomoyo, so she was searching for his replacement. She took a long drag from her cigarette. "God, I need a man." (A/N: Oops, I've crossed into Faye Valentine clichés. Oh, well.)
"You have got to be the creepiest person I have ever met," Yoshiyuki Terada said as he entered the room. "The way you look at the boys in our class is just so wrong."
Kaho perched on the edge of a desk and crossed her long legs. "You're one to talk," she replied, blowing a puff of smoke his way.
"That's different," Terada said defensively. "The love I have for Rika-chan is good and pure. I'm waiting for her to grow up before I tell her how I feel. Then we will be married. It's all very proper and respectable."
"Proper and respectable," Kaho mocked. "She's not going to grow up for a few more years yet," she added, as if he didn't already know. He only thought about it every single day. And night. Especially at night. "What are you doing about your little problem in the meantime?"
Terada cleared his throat and looked away. "I don't know what you mean."
Kaho slid off the desk and slowly ground her cigarette beneath the toe of her leather boot. She crossed the room until she was standing right in front of him. "Oh, I think you do. Tell me, Yoshi, do you like riddles?" she asked huskily. Well, your voice would be husky, too, if you chain-smoked enough to make Faye Valentine look like she was on the Patch.
She was standing way too close. He gulped, and then nodded.
"Well, here's a riddle for you." She leaned in to whisper in his ear. "Something pretty is going down," she purred, "and this time, it ain't snow."
After school, Sakura and Syaoran headed to the ice cream shop. Tomoyo followed them with her camera, shrieking "Kawaii!" and "Ohohohoho!" every so often. Behind her was Eriol, walking slowly as he continued reading the fanfictions, shaking his head in dismay.
Sakura was surprised to see a familiar face behind the ice cream counter. "Onii-chan!"
"What do you want, kaijuu?" Touya retorted with a scowl.
"Why are you at the ice cream shop? I thought you were working at the gas station."
"Gas station was yesterday. Today it's ice cream, and tomorrow is the aquarium. Don't you ever read the calendar?" He noticed the brown-haired boy standing next to his sister. "What's that gaki doing here?"
"Can't you ever be nice, Onii-chan?" Sakura whined.
"What are you, new? I'm a jerk. One hundred percent mean. Now, if you're not going to order some ice cream, then clear out of here."
"Fine," Sakura pouted. "I want strawberry, and chocolate for Syaoran-kun. Right, Syaoran-kun?" Syaoran nodded as he glared at Touya.
"Hey, Kinomoto, seen any dead people lately?" Syaoran asked and then laughed as if this were the funniest joke ever told.
"Why, are you volunteering?" Touya sneered.
Sakura looked at her brother, who seemed a little surlier than usual. "Is something wrong, Onii-chan?"
Touya broke down and cried. "How would you like it if every time there was a full moon, your boyfriend turned into his magical form and sat on the roof, staring at the sky and pining over Clow, Sakura, and/or Ruby Moon? I just don't think I can make it work anymore." An idea came to him. "Hey, kaijuu, the Mirror Card has a thing for me, right? Think you could convince her to take Yuki's form for a couple of hours? I mean, Otou-san is out of town, so it should be all right, unless he unexpectedly comes home and barges into my room without knocking, only to find out something he never wanted to know about his son."
"Hoe??" Sakura sweatdropped in confusion.
Syaoran looked at Sakura. "What the hell is he talking about?"
She shrugged. "Can we just have our ice cream, please?"
Touya handed them the cones, and they went to sit with Tomoyo and Eriol. The latter two had decided to forgo ice cream in favor of studying their companions.
The door to the shop opened with a tinkling bell sound, and Nakuru came into the parlor. "Touya-kun!" she squealed, glomping him immediately. Then she let go and looked at the different ice cream flavors. "Which kind is sugar-free?" she asked. He pointed to a peach flavor. "And which kind is extra sugar?" He indicated the super-triple-fudge. "Can you put the fudge in a carton labeled 'sugar-free'? I want to surprise Suppi."
Meanwhile, Meiling was walking down a deserted street. It was cold, and dark, and lonely. She kicked a tin can and sent it flying into the hedges. It started to rain. But it always rained on Meiling. It was like she had her own personal rain cloud that followed her around.
She was crying. "I hate my life," she moaned. "Syaoran will never love me. No one will. The clan will find someone else for me to marry, but I don't want a pity engagement. I want love. But there is no love in this world for me."
The rain fell harder, and Meiling's wet hair dripped in her face. The raindrops mixed with her teardrops until it was impossible to tell which were which. She hugged her arms around herself to keep away the chill, instead of seeking shelter like a sensible person. Well, Meiling didn't like being sensible. There was no excitement in being sensible, no passion, no adventure. But a fat lot of good being passionate had done her.
"What's wrong with me?" she asked aloud. "I'm beautiful and talented and intelligent. I'm the best at sports and singing and cooking. Why doesn't anyone love me?"
Seemingly from out of nowhere, a little ball of yellow fur came flying up to her. "Hey, brat, what are you doing out here?"
Great, she thought, it's that stupid stuffed animal. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse. "I'm thinking about running away," she confided, "because no one loves me."
"Aw, heck, I love ya," Kero said.
Meiling was shocked, and suddenly, she smiled. The first real smile she'd smiled in a long time. "Really?"
Kero burst out laughing. "No way! Are you crazy? I sure had you going, though!" He flew off in a yellow, laughing blur.
Typical, Meiling thought. Everyone hates me. Running away isn't good enough.
She saw the headlights of an approaching bus, and stepped directly in its path.
The next afternoon was beautiful and sunny. Sakura and Syaoran were at the park, enjoying the wonderful day. They stood underneath a blooming cherry tree. The petals fell around their feet, which they were both nervously staring at with blushes across their cheeks. Syaoran was wearing a green shirt, green pants, and green shoes. And for those of you interested in that sort of thing, his boxer shorts were also green. Sakura was wearing a pink dress with a cherry blossom pattern and pink shoes. And for those of you interested in that sort of thing, stop thinking about their underwear, hentai!
"Sakura? I… I...."
Were they not deafened by the pounding of their hearts, they would have heard Tomoyo's "Ohohohohoho!" from the bushes nearby.
Eriol, meanwhile, had finally finished reading the fan fictions and was busy folding the pages into elaborate paper airplanes. "God, this is so boring," he said, tossing a plane in Tomoyo's direction. "How much longer is this going to go on?"
She removed the plane from her thick hair and looked at the blue-eyed boy, careful to keep her camera trained on the two lovebirds under the tree. "Are you done reading? What did you learn?"
"Unfortunately, I learned that people believe that Clow Reed was either a kind sorcerer, a heartless SOB, or a drunken idiot."
"Well, here's your chance to set the record straight. Which is it?"
Eriol shifted uncomfortably, although that could have just been from sitting in the bushes all afternoon. "I'd rather not say."
"Oh, come on. I won't hold it against you."
"I wish you'd hold that beautiful body against me."
"What?" A stunned Tomoyo asked.
Eriol turned red and buried his face in his hands. "I can't believe I just said that. Damn fanfics!"
Tomoyo grinned. "I see they're finally having their affect on you."
"It's nothing compared to the way you affect me," he said seductively, then cringed. He cursed the stories again. Why does everyone write me as such a sex fiend?
"Ooh, tell me more," she cooed, resting her hand on his thigh.
"Cut that out! We're too young for this, Tomoyo-san," Eriol complained. He looked at her, into those mesmerizing eyes, and knew he couldn't resist her much longer. "Okay, hold on. I have an idea."
He fished his magic key out of his pocket. "Release!" The key transformed into a giant golden staff.
"Happy to see me?" Tomoyo teased.
Eriol ignored her as he mumbled an incantation. In a flash, four years passed. They were all now sixteen years old.
A beautiful, grown-up Tomoyo put her hands on her hips indignantly. "What did you do that for? I missed four years of kawaii Sakura-chan moments!"
Eriol shook his head. "No, you didn't. Look."
Sakura and Syaoran were still standing under the cherry tree, both of them taller, older, but still staring at their shoes.
"See? All you missed was four years of that. Now, then," he said, waggling his eyebrows at her, "what do you say we go behind that tree over there? And bring your camera!"
"Ohohohohoho!" She giggled as he pulled her away.
No one noticed the little black blur that went speeding by. Poor Spinel was hopped up on super-triple-fudge ice cream, spiked green tea, and anything else Nakuru had managed to shove down his throat. He flew on, continuing his search for candy, cake, or just a big old bag of sugar.
Syaoran took a deep breath and looked up from his green shoes into Sakura's green eyes. All right, I'm going to just say it. "Sakura, I hate you!"
Syaoran clamped his hands over his mouth. "Oh, God. Sakura, I didn't mean that. I meant to say that I hate you! I think you're the ugliest girl in the world. No! I mean…." This would be a good time to stop talking, genius.
"Syaoran-kun?" Her emerald eyes filled with tears. "How can you say that, when I hate you so much? You are such a jackass!" Her eyes widened in shock. "That's not what I was going to say! What's going on?"
"Sakura!" Kero flew into the park and found the former card captors under the tree. He'd been on Suppi's trail, but stopped when he sensed his mistress's distress. "There's a strange aura coming from this area. Has anything unusual happened?"
"Yes, Kero-chan. I tried to tell this idiot that I hate him, and instead I said that I hate him!" Sakura shook her head. "Wait a minute. That didn't make sense."
Kero stroked his chin with a little plush hand. "Hate, huh? I think this might be the doings of a Fanfic Card!"
"A what?" Syaoran and Sakura looked at each other, but neither one knew what Kero was talking about.
"A Fanfic Card. You know, those cards that fan fiction authors make up. The Lust Card, the Humor Card, the Truth Card, the Slow Card, the Baseball Card…the list goes on and on. This must be the Hate Card!"
"Brilliant deduction, Sherlock!" A strange female voice shouted. Everyone turned around to see a pretty teenaged girl with brown hair and brown eyes holding a blue and yellow staff with a daisy emblem at the tip.
"Who are you, kid?" Kero asked huffily.
"I'm Lisa Edwards, the author's self-insert alter ego, a transfer student from America, and chosen captor of the Fanfic Cards!" She declared proudly. "I'm here to save the day, become best friends with all the girls, and make all the boys fall in love with me." She winked at Syaoran. "Hey, cutie."
Syaoran blushed, much to Sakura's chagrin. I thought I was the only one who could make him do that, she fumed. She stomped on his foot, and was somewhat mollified when his face contorted in pain.
"If you're so great, let's see you do something about this card. It's really screwing things up for my mistress here," Kero said. Stupid Mary Sue, he thought. Everyone thinks they can be a card captor.
Lisa stopped making eyes at Syaoran long enough to remember the task at hand. She was a card captor, after all. The job came first. She raised her staff and pointed it at Sakura and Syaoran. "Hate Card! You have been beaten! Your power is mine! Return, Fanfic Card!" The spirit of the card appeared in the form of an angry little boy, and then transformed into a blue and yellow daisy-printed card.
The original card captors were unimpressed. "That's it?" Sakura asked.
"Well, Fanfic Cards don't put up much of a fight. That way, the author doesn't really have to think about what exactly they do and how much power they have," Lisa explained. "Anyway, I'll see you all at school tomorrow. It'll be my first day. Hope someone will offer to show me around." She blew a kiss to Syaoran and walked away.
"Things should be okay now," Kero comforted his mistress. "Now, what were you trying to say to the kid?"
Sakura turned her back to Syaoran and crossed her arms petulantly. "I don't remember. And he was so busy staring at the new girl that I'm sure he doesn't remember what he was trying to tell me, either."
"Aw, Sakura, don't be like that," Syaoran pleaded. "You know you're the only one for me. I love you."
She whipped around to face him. "Really?"
"Of course! What do you think I've been trying to tell you for the last five years?"
She threw her arms around him. "Oh, Syaoran-kun! I love you, too!"
Kero sighed. "Took you guys long enough. You get that, Tomoyo?"
No one answered. "That's strange," Sakura said. "She was in the bushes earlier. Tomoyo-chan?"
Finally, a disheveled Tomoyo appeared. She had leaves in her tangled hair, a grass stain on her skirt, and her blouse was buttoned wrong. She also was without her favorite accessory, her video camera. "Hey, what's going on, everyone?" she giggled.
She noticed Sakura and Syaoran with their arms around each other. Happy, satisfied smiles lit up their faces. "Oh, crap, don't tell me I missed it!" Tomoyo cried.
"What?" Sakura asked. "You mean, you've been following us around with your stupid camera all this time, and you missed the most important moment of my life?"
Tomoyo sulked. "I was distracted."
"Oh, Tomooooooyo-saaaaan!" A drunken male voice called. "Where are you, angel?"
Eriol stumbled into view. His blue hair was tousled, and his glasses sat crookedly on his nose. "Oh, there you are. Hello, all."
"Hoe?" Sakura looked from Tomoyo to Eriol. Wrinkled clothes, shining eyes, mussed hair… something was going on. But, as grown up as she may be, she was still the same little naïve Sakura. "What were you two doing, Tomoyo-chan?"
Tomoyo's cheeks were tinged with pink. "Well, you see, I… I lost my contact lens, and Eriol-kun was helping me look for it, weren't you, Eriol-kun?"
Eriol nodded furiously. "That's right, Tomoyo-san."
"But, Tomoyo-chan, you don't wear contacts."
Tomoyo gently smacked her head in realization. "Of course! No wonder we couldn't find it."
Syaoran was in pain from holding in his laughter. Eriol actually glared at him. That did it. He couldn't hold it in anymore. Soon, Syaoran was on the ground, tears streaming from his eyes as he howled.
Sakura watched him with concern as he curled up into a ball and gasped for breath between giggles. "Are you all right, Syaoran-kun?"
"I…. I….. Oh, God, it's…. so funny!" He was shaking. "Dai…douji and…. Hiira… gi… zawa!"
"Syaoran-kun?" Sakura looked at Tomoyo and Eriol, but they shrugged as if they had no idea what he meant. "Syaoran-kun, let's go get you some water, okay?" She pulled him to his feet and led the snickering boy away, wondering what in the world was wrong with him.
Eriol watched them go. "Ooh, I am going to get him for that. He is going to pay. Mwahahahahahahaha!"
"What was that?" Tomoyo asked with wide eyes.
"I don't know, but it sure felt good."
"Do it again!"
Eriol grinned wickedly and held out a hand to her. "Come on, Tomoyo-san. I've got the perfect evil trick to play on my descendant."
"Wonderful. But first…?" She raised her eyebrows and tilted her head in the direction of their tree.
"Race you! Ready… set…." They both took off before he said "Go."
Final notes: This parody isn't based on any particular story or author, just some of the overused elements I've come across. Okay, so I've never actually read a fic where Kaho was a chain-smoking slut (although if there is one, I'd sure like to see it.). And I've never seen a Kaho/Terada fic either. Are there any sensei-shippers? That could be interesting.