Author's Note: I got this idea after watching the Spam sketch from Money Python.

Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia or Monty Python. They belong to their respective owners. That is all.


His Butler, Spam

One day, in London, Ciel and his butler, Sebastian, walked into a restaurant and sat down at one of the small, round tables.

"I'm hungry, Sebastian," Ciel whined.

"That's why we're here, Young Master," said Sebastian.

Ciel and Sebastian weren't the only ones in the small café, though. There was also Ciel's aunt Angelina Durless (a.k.a. Madam Red); Ciel's aunt Frances Middleford and his cousin/fiancee, Elizabeth Ethel Cordelia Middleford; Grell Sutcliffe; Undertaker; Hannah Annafellows; and Detective Aberlain. Behind the counter were Mey-Rin, Bard, and Finnian.

"Good morning," Sebastian said politely.

"Morning," Mey-Rin called.

"What have you got?" Sebastian asked.

"Well, there's eggs and bacon," said Bard. "Uh, eggs, sausage, and bacon. Eggs and spam. Eggs, bacon, and spam. Eggs, bacon, sausage, and spam. Spam, bacon, sausage, and spam. Spam, eggs, spam, spam, bacon, and spam. Spam, spam, spam, eggs, and spam. Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam, and spam. Or Lobster Thermidor aux Crevettes with Mornay sauce, garnished with Truffle Pate, brandy, and a fried egg on top and spam."

"Have you got anything without spam in it?" Ciel asked.

"Well, spam, eggs, sausage, and spam. That doesn't have much spam in it," said Finnian.

"I don't want any spam!" said Ciel.

"Why can't he have eggs, bacon, spam, and sausage?" Sebastian asked.

"That's got spam in it!" Ciel said.

"Not as much as spam, eggs, sausage, and spam," said Sebastian.

"Look," said Ciel. "Could I have eggs, bacon, spam, and sausage without the spam?"

"Ugh!" Mey-Rin, Bard, and Finnian said. They had looks of disgust on their faces.

"What do you mean 'Ugh'? I don't like spam!" said Ciel.

Everybody else—except for Bard, Mey-Rin, Finnian, Sebastian, and Ciel—started singing.

Spam, spam, spam, spam

Spam, spam, spam, spam

Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

Mey-Rin was hitting the counter with a spoon, trying to get the crowd to shut up. "Shut up! Shut up!"

The people kept singing.

Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

"Shut up! Shut up!" Mey-Rin shouted until the crowd died down.

"You can't have eggs, bacon, spam, and sausage without the spam," said Bard.

"Why not?" Ciel exclaimed.

"Well, it wouldn't be eggs, bacon, spam, and sausage, would it?" Bard said.

"I DON'T LIKE SPAM!" Ciel shouted. He was about to throw a tantrum.

"Oh, don't make a fuss, Young Master," said Sebastian. "I'll have your spam. I love it! I'm having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam…"

Sebastian's words and the peoples' singing were now mixed.

Spam, spam, spam, spam

Spam, spam, spam, spam…

"…baked beans, spam, spam, and spam," Sebastian finished.

"Baked beans are off," said Finnian.

"Well, can I have spam instead?" asked Sebastian.

"You mean spam, spam, spam, spam…" Bard said.

Spam, spam, spam, spam

Spam, spam, spam, spam

Wonderful spam!

"Yes!" said Sebastian.

"Ugh!" Mey-Rin, Bard, and Finnian said as Alois Trancy and his butler, Claude, came in.

Lovely spam!

"Shut up! Shut up!" Mey-Rin yelled as Alois and Claude came up to the counter.

"Oh, great boobies, honey bun," said Alois.

"Your Highness, shut up," Claude mumbled.

"My lower intestine is full of spam, eggs, spam, bacon…" Alois continued as the crowd once again sang.

Spam, spam, spam, spam

Spam, spam, spam, spam

"…spam, spam…" said Alois. A whistle blew, and a couple of security guards came and escorted Alois and Claude out of the restaurant.

"Now you've done it, Your Highness!" said an angry and hungry Claude.

"Shut up!" said Mey-Rin.

"My nipples explode…" Alois said as he and Claude were escorted out of the restaurant.

Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!


Tanaka—as Real Tanaka—sat in front of what looked like a map. "Another great victory for Grell and Madam Red was at the Green Midget Café in London. Once again, Grell and Madam Red's strategy was the same. They sailed from these fjords here, assembled at Trondheim, and waited for the strong Northeasterly winds to blow their oaken galleys all over England, whence they sailed on May the twenty-third." As he spoke, Tanaka pointed on the map at various places. "Once in London, they assembled at the Green Midget Café, and spam selecting a spam particular spam item from the spam menu would…"

Spam, spam, spam, spam

Spam, spam, spam, spam

Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

Spam, spam, spam, spam

Spam, spam, spam, spam

Lovely spam! Wonderful spam…!

Spam, spam, spam, spam

Spam, spam, spam, spam

"Shut up!" Mey-Rin yelled, trying to get order back in the café.