Authors notes: I do not own these wonderful hobbits. Mr. JRR Tolkien does. My intent is to provide reading material for other Pervy Hobbit Fanciers such as myself without causing too much spinning in JRRT's grave. To this effect I do not write slash, I try to keep the ages correct and restrict my use of anachronistic contrivances.

This chapter rated G.

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Killer Instinct

Chapter 1: Thin Ice

Ted Sandyman could be a self-important officious lumpkin. Pippin finished his second half pint and looked to his cousins to see if they were ready for another. It had been over an hour and the loud mouth had been waxing on about how his father was the smartest hobbit this side of the North Farthing for the lucrative deals he'd been making with some "friends" in Bree.

Frodo and Merry tried their level best to ignore Ted and Pippin both. Ted for his cheekiness in declaring nearly everyone else present to be idiots and Pippin for his energetic enthusiasm about everything and everyone who popped into his head. They'd hoped to have a quiet evening at the pub. Not so this eve.

Ted once again reiterated how his father had sold 4 barrels of South Farthing weed to some dealers in Bree for a substantial profit. Now, why couldn't the Master of Buckland make such a wonderful deal with his own weed? Probably because of it's inferior quality. No, it was just his own lack of business sense. No, it really must be his own sheer stupidity.

Ted had had enough ale, that was the truth to be told. Everyone near enough to hear (and that was the entire pub at this moment) cringed at his last statements. Everyone except Meriadoc and Peregrin. Merry was studiously surveying the wall just above Ted's head and Pippin was going on again about how bonny glorious the new barmaid looked in her bright yellow bodice.

The miller's son was looking for a fight. This was sure. But Merry wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of rising to the bait. He could stand a lot of taunting, he had over 25 cousins living in Brandyhall at any given time and they all were grand masters at derision, hazing, and ridicule.