This is dedicated to Oudemia who gave me the idea by saying "Now I want to see you as a Mary Sue." Well, here you go. Don't tell me I didn't warn you.
I don't own Lord of the Rings. If I did, every Tenth member of the Fellowship would be hunted down and murdered. Brutally. I will leave that to the PPC however.
I also do not own the color urple, or the Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth. Those belong to Misscam, and if you have not read OFUM you should.
This is a parody. Flames will be huggled.
Chapter One: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
A pre-teen girl grinned at the computer screen. Her brown, mousy hair was tied back in a loose ponytail and her thick glasses slipped down a little ways on her nose.
The girl was the most beuatiful thing Legolas had ever seen. Her perfect hair golden was shone in the sunlgiht. Shelooked up from under her eyelashs demurely, seemingly embarrassed that he had come across her in such astate. Secretly though, she was pleased. After all what better was for the Elf-prince to see her natural beuaty than when she was bathing in teh stream?
Legolas tried nto to stare at her but it was nearly impossinle. Her beuaty surpased even that f Arwen's. Not tat he would ever thnk of his dear sister that way. "what is you're name fair lady?" Legolas said to the stramge gir, steping out of the tres averting his eyes. He bowed to her, "I am Legolas Greenleef, prince of the elves."
"My name is Sornif Lardit Nirnamil. Tell me, please, your highness, where am I? I don't remeber how it was I got to be here!" the girls voice was that of a songbird and of a waterfall combined. Legolas found himslef captivated by her eyes, a mix up pink and purple, so lovely that they almst hurt to look at.
The girl grinned at her work, and uploaded it quickly to FF . net. Not everyone could write as well as she did, she thought proudly. She had only just seen the movies the other week, at the insistence of one of her friends. She had instantly fallen in lust with Legolas. And Aragorn. And Faramir. Naturally, Sornif Lardit Nirnamil would be getting together with them all. It was the only proper way to write a story. And, of course, Sornif would be perfect and be able to beat Sauron single handedly. It's just so much more fun when you don't have to go by the rules. After all, it is FANfiction, and that meant the fans had free reign. Right? Whatever. Such details like that and spelling and grammar were unimportant. It was her character that mattered.
Chapter three of Where am I? by Leggieluver123 was released on the fandom with the click of a virtual button, and Leggieluver123 leaned back in her chair happily, waiting for the positive reviews to flood in.
A long ways away from Leggieluver123 another fanfiction author, commonly known as Caroline, sat at her computer, munching on Doritos and jellybeans. She was browsing the Lord of the Rings fanfiction archive, annoyed by the fact that, despite the time that had passed since the release of the movies, the fandom had not become any saner. Well, a fandom can never be truly sane when there are slashers involved, she thought, amused, as she opened another Legolas/Gimli story in a new tab. But one would hope that people would eventually get tired of Mary-Sues and tenth walkers and Legomances. No such luck.
Refreshing the archive page in hope of something really interesting, a fresh story caught her eye. She laughed as she read the title and summary aloud. "Where am I? When Sornif Lardit Nirnamil," Caroline snorted at the very fake elvish name, Nirnamil was the only one that sounded even vaguely realistic, "When Sornif Lardit Nirnamil is dropped into Middleearth, she is rescued by legolas and broght to the Council fo Elrond where she has no choice but to join the fellowship in hopes of rescuing Bromir and others who die. Teh summary sucks, read neway plz!" Caroline grinned to herself. "Well, that's a Mary-Sue story if I ever saw one. Who exactly, I wonder, is Bromir?"
Having spent the past few weeks devoid of any good lulz (other than reading My Immortal a second time, that is) Caroline clicked on the blue link and was instantly transported to the world of horrible fanfiction. Still munching happily on the Doritos, she read the three chapters of the fic in a matter of minutes, stopping here and there to puzzle out words misspelled beyond recognition. By the time she got to the last "Review plz!" she had yet to discover why Sornif Lardit Nirnamil had appeared naked or why Sornif's eyes were urple. She wondered if the author had, in fact, read the Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth and was troll, or if it was just a happy coincidence. Deciding that a troll would have more spelling mistakes and would have been happier in the Harry Potter fandom, Caroline clicked on the review button and did something she had sworn never to do. She flamed.
Let's start with your description of Sornif's urple eyes, shall we? Who has pink eyes? No one. Who has purple eyes? No one. So why, in Arda, would Sornif have a mixture of both? URPLE IS NOT A PRETTY COLOR! What, are you wondering what Arda is? Read the books, dearie. LEGOLAS IS NOT ARWEN'S BROTHER! Where did you even get that idea? Please, get spell check. I cannot even type that badly in Word unless I do it on purpose. Seriously. STOP WRITING UNTIL YOU LEARN TO USE ENGLISH CORRECTLY!
As Caroline clicked the submit review button, she felt slightly guilty. After all, flames help no one. But, then again, this girl made Legolas Arwen's brother. Honestly, next they would be saying that Gimli and Arwen should be together. Caroline shuddered at the thought. In her opinion, the only person Gimli belonged with was Legolas. Occasionally an OC was acceptable, but it should be written well.
Sighing at the worlds apparent inability to use the English language correctly, Caroline closed the lid of her laptop. Setting it on the floor between her bed and the wall, she rolled over to go to sleep. The Doritos were gone, as were the jellybeans. It was past midnight and she had school the next day. Sleep was a good thing. She liked sleep.
Leggieluver123 glared at the flames angrily. How dare someone flame her? Her character was perfect! What in the world was Urple? And to suggest that she couldn't use the English language properly! All her friends always told her she was the best writer they knew of, though they all seemed to hurry of quickly after saying so... "Curse you, evil author person," she muttered angrily. "I hope your worst nightmare comes true!"
Still muttering angrily, Leggieluver123 threw her pillow across the room. She needed to talk to someone. She needed someone to assure her that her writing was, in fact, perfect. Rooting around in her bookbag for a minute she pulled out her cellphone. She pressed the four to call her only other friend who liked fanfiction, and coincidentally the one who made her watch the movies. The friend picked up on the fourth ring, having been reading a cringe worthy fic and contemplating flaming it. "Hi, it's me!" Leggieluver123's shrill voice grated on her friend's ears.
"Hi, I was just reading some stuff online, what do you need?" the friend held the phone between her cheek and her shoulder as she made to review the story.
"I just published a new chapter to my fic, Where am I?, and someone flamed it!" Leggieluver123 whined.
Her friend's fingers paused in the midst of their rapid typing, "You wrote that?"
"Yeah, have you read it? It's good isn't it? The flamer is a liar, right?"
The poor friend winced as she exited out of the scathing review she had been about to send Leggieluver123, and decided upon what she thought of as the lesser of two evils, "Yeah, I read it. It's good, but maybe you should get a beta."
"Ooh! Good idea! Would you do that for me?" Leggieluver123's voice was obviously excited and her friend, being a surprisingly nice person to be a friend of someone like Leggieluver123, winced again.
"Erm, you know, I'm not a very good Beta…" as the conversation continued, neither of them were any the wiser of the catastrophic effects of the curse that Leggieluver123 had unwittingly cast on the flamer.
Caroline woke up reluctantly. There was something wrong. Her face was wet. That wasn't good. And she was cold. Very cold. Where were her blankets? Opening her eyes she rolled over and bolted up. She was naked by a stream in the middle of a forest. She sat still, not moving, stiff with terror. The stream ran clear and cold behind her like no stream in modern day America would, at least, not anywhere near civilization. The trees towered farther above her head than she had ever seen. They were huge; they had to be hundreds of years old. Within the shadows she thought she saw a figure standing.
She scrambled to her feet as she heard a discreet cough. A blond man stepped out of the trees, averting his eyes. "What is your name, fair lady?" he asked softly, bowing low, "I am Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of the elves."
Caroline's now urple eyes widened, and she stepped away from the elf. No, no, no. This couldn't be happening. She stumbled backwards (gracefully, of course) through the stream and caught a glimpse of her reflection, her normally golden blond hair was now more like platinum. Her eyes were an ugly urple. This was not her body. This was not her face.
She squeezed her eyes shut and did her best to hit her heels together, hoping to all powers above this was a dream. "There's no place like home! There's no place like home! There's no place like home!" She muttered to herself. She opened her eyes, praying that they would open to her ceiling at home. There was no change, only that Legolas had taken a step closer to her.
"My lady? Do you require assistance?" Her eyes widened again and she backed away again, refusing to believe that she was where she thought she was. This was impossible. There was no way. She was NOT a Mary-Sue. She couldn't be. She had no Sues left in existence! THERE WAS NO POSSIBLE WAY SHE WAS A MARY SUE!
There was only one problem, though: she was.