The Las Noches Files: Company Confidential
Chap. 1: Arrancar Safety Briefing
A/N: The secret files retrieved from Las Noches after Aizen went down. A series of "official" corporate briefings and memos, crack, humor, silliness.
Chapter 1: The Arrancar Safety Briefing. Las Noches has to bring its accident rate under control or risk losing its government contracts. Pure crack.
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.
(Originally posted 7/10/11.)
To: All Arrancar and Employees of Las Noches
From: Aizen Sousuke, CEO
Dear Employees of Las Noches:
As I'm certain you're all aware, world domination is not cheap. As a result, we have had to turn to government grants to cover some of our expenses here in Hueco Mundo. However, it has come to my attention that the rate of on-the-job employee and guest injury or death is unacceptably high. As a result, our workers' compensation expenses have been rising, and during a recent safety review from government officials, we were informed that we need to bring our accident and death rate under control or risk losing our government contracts.
Therefore, I have been directed to institute a "Safety Culture" here in Las Noches. Employees and guests must understand their own roles and responsibilities in protecting both themselves and others, as well as the actions for which they will be held accountable.
In the event of an accident, I understand that souls are fallible and people make errors. Rather than placing blame and applying punitive actions, we will consider individuals involved as having made an "honest mistake" and will work with them to understand the context of the incident and prevent similar errors.
However, a completely no-blame culture is neither reasonable nor desirable, as a small fraction of accidents do result from what are considered unacceptable behaviors. The types of behaviors that are considered unacceptable include willful safety violations and/or reckless behavior related to safety.
Just as we remain polite during our fights with the enemy, so must we follow common sense and decency and maintain a culture of safety here in Las Noches.
* A ladder training course will be mandatory for all Arrancar using a ladder more than 32 inches in height. Too many of you have been standing on the top step of the ladder in violation of posted safety guidelines!
* Participants in lab experiments, upon expiration, should be incinerated promptly to avoid the spread of disease. (Yes, this means you, Szayel!)
* All Arrancar using computers will be required to take an ergonomics class in order to avoid repetitive strain injuries.
* First aid kits will be removed from staff areas; instead, staff receiving an injury will report directly to the Medical Center in Szayel's lab for treatment. Yes, this includes paper cuts. All injuries will now be reportable and loggable incidents.
* All employees and guests must wear their dosimeters when entering radiation safety areas. Bioassays and tissue samples must be provided upon request. Szayel Aporro Granz will collect samples from anyone found without their dosimeter.
* Wear proper personal protective equipment (PPE) when using weapons.
* To minimize the potential exposure to hazards for personnel working on roofs, roof access will be restricted to qualified personnel. Unauthorized guests are NOT to be allowed to punch holes in the roof and fight with employees. Consult the Las Noches Roof Access Plan for further information.
* Unauthorized guests are not to be engaged with unless directed by your immediate supervisor. (This means you, Loly and Menoly.)
* Every meeting must include "Five Minutes for Safety" where the importance of complying with safety regulations must be addressed. It has come to my attention that some people have not been treating our company's commitment to safety with the seriousness it deserves. Surely I do not need to resort to extreme measures to ensure that every Las Noches employee avoids inappropriate levity while discussing the importance of safety.
* In order to make the Five Minutes for Safety a more pleasant experience, tea will be served at each meeting.
* I have been informed that tea can cause burns; therefore, no tea will be heated beyond one hundred forty degrees Fahrenheit.
I trust that if we all follow these simple guidelines and maintain a proactive attitude toward our team goals, we will be able to take pride in our "Safety Culture" and successfully retain our funding and avoid the necessity of layoffs during these bad economic times.
Yours in Safety,
A/N: Much of this was taken from actual corporate safety briefings I found on the internet, including the parts about "ladder training," ergonomics, "roof access plans," "safety culture," "Five Minutes for Safety," paper cuts requiring reports and a trip to the health center, and the removal of first aid kits to discourage the unsafe behavior of bandaging paper cuts. Kind of amazing that they were posted in all seriousness.
Well, I have a few more ideas for humorous corporate documents… are you interested in hearing more?
Next up: Employee Performance Reviews. Let me know who you'd like to see reviewed!