The Las Noches Files: Company Confidential
Chap. 2: Employee Performance Review: Grimmjow Jaegerjaques
A/N: The secret files retrieved from Las Noches after Aizen went down. A series of "official" corporate briefings and memos; crack, humor, silliness. Rated T for language; no pairings.
Thanks so much for your reviews and great suggestions! Here's the next document: Grimmjow's performance review, complete with his comments in italics.
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.
(Originally posted 10/29/11.)
Employee: Grimmjow Jaegerjaques
Employee's Job Title: Espada
Supervisor: Aizen Sousuke
Supervisor's Job Title: CEO
The intent of this performance review is to determine whether the employee is exceeding, meeting, or failing to meet the requirements of his position description. The employee is allowed to make comments on his supervisor's evaluations; these comments will become part of the employee's permanent record.
Position Description: Espada #6. The Espada are a military force focusing on development and deployment of superior weaponry in the service of Las Noches' ultimate goal of world domination. This position is responsible for providing leadership to a broad spectrum of projects within the organization. The scope of activities performed within this position is responsible for helping to provide solutions to military objectives, including target elimination as ordered. This position is also responsible for military leadership and mentorship of Fraccion.
Essential Skills Required for Position: Demonstrable professional experience in a position where self-direction is required except when under direct orders from a superior officer. Be able to fight, maim, and kill on command.
Employees are expected to work in a safe manner and contribute to a safe and healthy work environment by being aware of potential hazards, performing all work safely, and by being familiar with the Las Noches Safety Guidelines.
Employee Comments: Huh? What the fuck is this safety crap? We're fucking Arrancars; you just said in the first paragraph that we're supposed to fight and kill. How are we supposed to do that "safely"? If you ask me, this whole "performance review" crap is just more of your bullshit, Aizen.
Review: Grimmjow, although Las Noches management appreciates the enthusiasm with which you carry out some of your duties, you have repeatedly been insubordinate and have shown disrespect to your superiors. The first transgression was when you made an unauthorized excursion to the Living World, resulting in the loss of five Arrancar. Then, you attempted to disobey direct orders not to engage with the so-called "substitute shinigami" during his incursion into Las Noches. Further, you walked out during Kaname's video presentation, thus showing disrespect for the disabled. Here in Las Noches, we do not show discrimination against those who are visually challenged.
Additionally, you have not demonstrated familiarity with the Las Noches Regulations Manual, publication LN-2382. Finally, you have violated procedures in the Health and Safety Manual and in the Integrated Safety Management Plan.
Employee Comments: Yeah, when I was hired, you told me that I was supposed to "exercise self-direction". Then why the fuck is it that every time I show "initiative", you blast me with your fucking reiatsu? You ask me, that's what should be considered illegal. You corporate executive types think that the rules don't apply to you.
And what's with this manual crap? We're supposed to be badass villains taking over the world, not a bunch of paper-pushing bureaucrats! I'm not gonna read a fucking manual!
Rating: You are to be placed on probation until further notice, and will immediately need to execute an Employee Performance Improvement Plan. Failure to meet the improvement milestones in this document may result in your termination.
Employee Comments: Well, fuck you too, Aizen. I sure as hell am not gonna read your stupid plan. Go ahead and fire me. I dare you. Heh, somehow I don't think you're gonna do it. Let's face it, you need me, and I know too much about your little corporate schemes for you to let me go. What about that spot of corporate espionage against Seireitei, huh? I bet you don't want me to go to the press with those details!
Final Resolution: Employee status unknown pending supervisor's conviction on crimes against the Seireitei. To be continued after supervisor's sentence is complete in 20,000 years.
A/N: Just feeling in a bit of a cracky mood tonight. Did you like this, and would you like more? Your ideas and suggestions are most welcome.
Ideas so far for upcoming chapters: email exchanges between employees, unions, Barragan filing an environmental impact lawsuit, Loly and Menoly filing a sexual harassment lawsuit. Do you have a favorite of these?