Title: Ronald Weasley: Lightweight Extraordinaire

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Our favorite trio is beginning their first year of teaching and Headmaster Snape has invited them to dinner in his rooms. The only problem is that Ron is a bit of a lightweight, and a very talkative drunk; Snape always loves a bit of humiliation, and Harry is lusting after the good headmaster.

Disclaimer: Harry Potter et al. belongs to J.K Rowling, while the plot of this…story, belongs to me.

Warnings: Hint of the idea of slash, with nothing really explicit; a fleeting mention of BDSM; a very demoralizing depiction of Ronald Weasley as a horrific lightweight; and (vague-ish) HP/SS. EWE.

Author Notes: I've been experimenting with trying to tell a story with only character voices, and this is the culmination of my attempts. Hope you like it! Please review to tell me whether or not I got my idea across, or if it was a complete disaster.

"Hermione, can't we just-"



"Ronald Weasley! You will not pussy out of this! You will put down that broom right now and get ready! And don't you laugh, Harry Potter; you're coming too!"

"But I wasn't even invited!"

"Harry, Headmaster Snape said that all new teachers- ergo, us- were strongly encouraged to have diner with him in his rooms. All of them. You can't just go directly against your employers wishes and expect to keep your job, especially when it's Headmaster Snape. You know what he's like."

"You are such an utter wanker sometimes, Hermione."

"It's why you love me. Now get ready; it's almost time to leave."

"Now, boys, you must remember that we need to make a good impression-"

"Dear, I'm pretty sure that opportunity has already passed. He's known us as nothing but rowdy, Gryffindor hooligans for nine years."

"Well, now it's time to change that! We're knowledgeable, mature, teachers now."

"Right, mum."

"Exactly. Now, no talk of Quidditch, inappropriate jokes, derogatory comments about Slytherin, and absolutely no drinking, Ronald Weasley."

"Jesus, Hermione, stop acting like Mrs. Weasley!"

"Well, Harry, she sort of is Mrs. Weasley…"

"Shut up, Ron. You'd think we weren't grown men; mature, knowledgeable, grown men, with the way she talks to us."

"I'm just warning you, Harry. You know how Ron gets once he's drinking."


"Hello, Mrs. Weasley"

"Hermione, please, Headmaster Snape."

"Then I must insist you call me Severus, Hermione. The dining room is right through that door."

"Thank you, Severus. Come along, boys,"

"Potter, Weasley. I trust you can follow those simple directions? No? Well, that was a rather high expectation. Jog on!"

"This is some great wine, Severus."

"Thank you, Weasley. I'm sure your palate is accustomed to such tastes."

"Ron, you know what I said about drinking."

"Yeah, mate, you know how you get…"

"How I get? Wha' dya mean? I'm no worse than you, Mr. Naughty Student! OH, PLEASE, Headmaster! Harder! It's blood y awful sleeping in the same apartment as you."


"Ronald, stop drinking this instant!"

"No, Hermione, this is rather intriguing. I wonder what other unpleasantness will spew from Weasley's inebriated gob."

"Oi, Harry, remember that time that you and Creevey got so smashed you both ended up getting arrested for lewd behavior in a public space after-"


"shagging in the middle of- mmphmm"

"Ronald Weasley-"

"No, Hermione, this is quite amusing. Just look at the color of Potter's face! What a delightful shade of burgundy. Please, remove your hand from over his mouth, lest he try to eat it."

"I'm so sorry, Severus, it's just that-well- Ron's a bit of a lightweight. You should've seen him on our wedding night; mistook Harry and I, and- well, it was unpleasant. And, sadly, that's already happened too many times."

"I am not a lightweight, Herm-o-ninny! Say, Snape, did you know that Harry became a professor just to see your ugly mug every day?"


"No, no. I want to sit back and watch this train wreck, Potter- or shall I say, Mr. Naughty Student?"

"Wow, Snape! The oil on this pasta is extremely good! Is it from your hair? No wonder Harry likes it!"

"So, how do you feel about topping, Snape? Based on the noises I hear, I'm pretty sure Harry's an exclusive bottom, but I'm sure that he loves you enough to switch- not that I'm saying you're not manly enough to top! It's just that Harry really…isn't. I'm just looking out for the both of you."

"Hermione, why are you talking to Harry about gags? I know Harry's into that sort of thing, but maybe he should be talking to Snape instead about that?"

"Sorry, Snape, Harry's just very into BDSM. I hope you are too, or else he'll be devastated. Hopefully you know a few silencing spells; he's a screamer."

"Snape, did you know that Harry loves you? Wow, mate, the look on your face is pretty cool- I didn't know you're mouth could do anything but scowl, let alone drop open! And the color of your face, Harry! Well, anyways, it's quite odd, if you ask me. Quite awkward during the night, too. Herm and I can hear him all the way from our bedroom, can't we, dear? I'm pretty sure the amount of wet dreams he has should decrease over time, not increase. I'm starting to get worried for his little swimmers, truthfully."

"You know what, that is quite enough wine, Ron. Poor Harry's going to faint soon-well, then. I hope he didn't hit his head on the way down. Severus, I trust you can watch him until he regains consciousness? I need to get Mr. Embarrassing here into bed before he says anything truly scarring."

"It's quite alright, Hermione, I'll be sure to keep a close eye on him. I might have a few questions for him as well. Hermione! Do not wink at me. You better hope you just had a stroke, or else we might be in need of a new Arithmancy professor come tomorrow. Perhaps a Creatures one too, if Weasley does not get better. A DADA one too. Well, shit."

"It's okay, Severus, this happens every other Tuesday; they'll get over it."

"Well, goodnight Hermione. I just hope Potter doesn't rape me in my sleep when he wakes up, if anything Weasley was sprouting was true."

"Oh, don't worry, he'd want you quite awake when he accosts you, Severus. Just give him a chance."

"Perhaps… Now, you can leave, and we'll both just pretend that this night never happened."

"Good morning, Severus. Why are you so late for breakfast? Oh, hi Harry, I didn't see you- is that a hickey?"

"What're you going on about, Herm- Oi! Why are you wearing all black, mate? I would swear you didn't own anything black. And why're your cheeks going all red? What exactly happened last night?"

"Well, Weasley, let's just say I gave him a very good reason to scream last night."

"What? What does he mean Hermione? Harry? Shit! Why'd Harry run off like that?"


AN2: The next chapter is the 'What Happened Last Night?' that's missing from up there. It's a full lemon, and it explains how Harry came to be marked and lacking clothing, but that's about it (besides the smut, of course).