Summary: A moment from five different years that Ferb struggles with his affection for his brother, and a moment in one that he lets it slip.

Rating: T for brief swearing, underage smoking, drinking, drugs, and insinuations of sex. Oh and boy love.

Disclaimer: I do not own this show or its characters. I make no money off this; it's just for my own pleasure…as sick as that is.

Warning - Please Read: This contains in-family love. While it's not technically incest it's pretty darn close, but it's just a cartoon so I apologize for nothing. If you do not approve of PhinXFerb then DO NOT read this and DO NOT flame. Just calmly click away from this story and go about your merry way. You have been warned. This is not a fic for kids!

Note: For anyone following my activity for my South Park fic, bear with me. I had to get this out of my brain.

~+~+~+~ 12 Years Old ~+~+~+~

Ferb felt a sharp nose poking into the back of his head and grunted, rolling over to get a better view of his new bed partner. A red tuft of hair and two wide eyes poked out from under the blanket.

"I don't think those zombie movies were such a good idea, Ferb," Phineas squeaked from under the safety of his step-brother's covers.

All Ferb could do was sigh and nod once, acquiescing to Phineas' unspoken request. Once it was understood that the redhead could stay, the British boy rolled over again, putting his back to his brother in attempt to find sleep once again.

It wasn't until it had been quiet for some time that Ferb was able to start nodding off. His eyes had just drooped shut when the nose was back, this time in the crook of his neck. He could feel Phineas' steady breath on his shoulder and knew that his brother was asleep again. A hand fisted into his pajama shirt and Phineas moved closer to him in his sleep, locking Ferb into his current position.

His heart-rate picked up dramatically and he suddenly felt too hot. His brother's body felt warm and comforting pressed against him and breathing evenly. Ferb dragged his hand down his face in frustration. It had been a bad idea to let Phineas stay. It was too hot in the bed now. And he was extremely uncomfortable with how comfortable that heat was.

Stupid puberty.

Ferb knew his brother hadn't been affected by it yet and he was jealous of that. So far it had only caused him problems. Giving up his body's forbidding reactions to his brother's close proximity as a hormonal imbalance, Ferb forced his eyes shut and wouldn't let them open again for the rest of the night. Sometime before morning finally dawned he came to an important decision.

No more zombie movies for Phineas.

~+~+~+~ 13 Years Old ~+~+~+~

Ferb woke with a start, sitting straight up in bed. Besides him there was no one in the room, and sunlight was shining in through the bedroom window. It had to be almost noon.

And it didn't even matter.

The boy pressed his fists into his eyes and tried to breath. Against his will the deep, even breaths turned into broken sobs.


Why was he suck a freak? Why did he have to be suck a sick, twisted…he didn't even know what he was. He had had the dream again. He pressed his fists harder into his eyes, trying to will away the images. His skin felt clammy as the visions of his brother kept coming into his mind. He finally had to lean over the bed and dry heave into the floor between his and his brother's beds. He was glad that he had skipped dinner last night.

Ferb didn't know what was wrong with him. It just didn't make sense. He had seen Vanessa yesterday. It was the first time he had in a while. She had smiled at him and waved him over to the table she was sitting at in front of the coffee shop. They had chatted. Or rather, she had chatted and he had listened. She had complimented him, called him a great listener and a great friend.

She had kissed him.

He knew it was only friendly. Of course he did, she was way older than he was. But his world had disappeared, just for a moment. Her kiss was everything he had ever dreamed it would be. It was sweet and gentle. It trumped the kiss she had given him when he was younger. Or maybe it was just newer to him? Whatever it was, it was wonderful.

He had gone to sleep that night with a smile on his face. It had been a great day.

But then he had to have that dream again. Nightmare would be a better term for what he experienced during his REM cycle. It ruined everything. He had a wonderful day with a beautiful girl that he liked more than any other girl he had ever known. He had gotten his first real kiss from said girl. He had gone to sleep and had inappropriate dreams about his brother.

How did that make sense?

It did not bring much comfort to know that they were not blood relatives. It didn't matter. Phineas was his brother. But just a step brother…no! Brother.

Ferb finally swung his legs out and made contact with the floor. He took a few orienting breaths and took his fists away from his eyes again. He could handle this. If he just ignored it long enough it would go away.

Maybe he could create a devise that zaps unsuitable emotions out of the brain.

Yeah, that might work…

~+~+~+~ 14 Years Old ~+~+~+~

Ferb worried the daisy hidden behind his back between his fingers. Today was the first day of a brand new summer and he was going to do it.

He was going to tell Phineas.

Nothing else had worked. Besides, despite everything Phineas was his brother, and he cared for Ferb more than just about anybody else. He had recently told Ferb that he had always considered him his best friend. The secret wasn't a shock by any means, but it had been incredibly touching and had inspired a newfound confidence in the strength of their relationship.

He could tell Phineas about his…problem. Phineas would help him. Then they could go back to the way things had always been. He would have the comfort and ease back that he had once felt around his brother. He wouldn't have to always worry if Phineas knew because of course Phineas would know. He had told him. They could just ignore it together.

Or maybe Phineas would reciprocate, even if it was just a little bit. He would run his hand through his red hair and look down bashfully, blushing a little and asking if it was true. Once Ferb confirmed it, Phineas would smile shyly and hesitantly put his arms around his brother, burying his face into his chest and whispering that it was okay, he felt the same way…

Nope. Dangerous and twisted road that way goes.

Ferb physically shook himself and took his time wiping the sweat from his palms, never letting the flower come out from behind his back. He took a deep breath and steeled himself, pushing the sliding glass door open with the tips of his fingers. Then he paused in the doorway.

Phineas was sitting under their tree, back facing the house. Isabella sat cross-legged beside him. Their heads were close in secret conversation. Ferb watched as the Mexican girl hesitantly took one of Phineas' hands and held it firmly between her own. He watched as she spoke again, causing his brother to blush violently. He watched as she leaned over and gave him a kiss.

And he watched his brother kiss her back.

Intellectually, Ferb knew this was a wonderful event in his brother's life. Phineas was sharing his first kiss with a girl that cared deeply for him and would never intentionally hurt him. She was perfect for him. He was perfect for her.

But that didn't stop Ferb from silently backing into the house again and running upstairs to cry himself to sleep.

~+~+~+~ 15 Years Old ~+~+~+~

Ferb took a deep drag from his cigarette. His parents would be furious if they knew he smoked. Phineas would be furious, too. The green haired teen snorted and smoke steamed through his nose. Phineas. Screw his brother.


That was probably what Isabella was doing right now.

Ferb shook the thought from his mind. His brother wouldn't do something like that. Ferb was just being bitter and angry like he was apt to be recently. Candace was away at college, Linda and his dad were at an overnight antique cuckoo clock convention, Grandpa Clyde and Grandma Betty Jo were both conked out in the master bedroom, had been since seven, and Phineas was on a date with Isabella.

Ferb checked his watch. It was 9:53 pm. He took another long drag off his cigarette. If his grandparents woke up and so much as peaked out the window into the backyard, they would see his fag glowing orange like a beacon in the night, then he would be busted.

He smirked. Candace would be proud of them.

But they wouldn't. They both took pain relieving sleep aids after dinner. Their presence as his and his brother's babysitters was a joke. Not that either of the boys didn't enjoy the elders' company. Ferb was grateful for their stories and past adventures. They were his family and they cared about him. And he cared about them. He cared about his whole family.

That was part of his problem. He cared a little too much about a particular family member. God he was a sick bastard. His next drag was too much and he coughed the smoke out of his lungs. He was down to his last pack. He would have to call Johnny tomorrow for more.

Low voices echoed from across the street. The couple was back from their date. Ferb quickly snubbed the fag in the grass and flipped it into the neighbor's yard. He slipped his jacket off and slapped it against the lawn as the security light snapped on from Phineas' movement towards the side gate and into the back yard. Ferb just slipped his jacket back on when his brother noticed him against the tree and gave him a concerned look.

"Ferb? What are you doing outside? Is everything okay?" the redhead asked, squinting suspiciously at his brother in the ill-lit yard. Ferb nodded once and stood up, joining his brother at the door to go inside the house. He tensed when he saw Phineas' nose wrinkle. "Dude, you smell like cigarette smoke."

"Neighbors," was Ferb's simple reply. He felt a jolt of guilt when his naïve brother accepted the flimsy excuse immediately and without question. Phineas was such a good person. Unlike Ferb. He parted from his brother and practically ran up the stairs. "Going to bed," he muttered behind him.

He didn't bother look back to see if his brother had heard him.

~+~+~+~ 16 Years Old ~+~+~+~

The girl was lovely; probably one of the best he had had to date. Her pretty looks even made it easy to ignore the disgusting breath of too much vodka that invaded Ferb's nose and mouth every time he kissed her. Kisses made it easier for girls to become more pliable and willing. If they hadn't helped loosen the girls up Ferb probably would have foregone the unenjoyable activity all together.

The party that his band played for was winding down, and Vanessa was kicking most of the guests out of her apartment. Only a chosen few were allowed to crash at her place for the night. Ferb was one of them. And his guest of choice.

And tonight it was going to be the lovely redhead that had been eye-fucking him all evening.

He gently led her to the futon that he always slept on when crashing at Vanessa's and laid her down. She was giggling between the sloppy kisses she planted on whatever body part was closest to her face. Sometimes it was her own body. She was wasted.

"I've never been wi' agoth b'fore…" she panted when she finally rolled into a comfortable position on the futon. Ferb sighed. He hoped she didn't get chatty afterwards. He was actually hoping she would just fall asleep long enough for him to get out. "There wassa guy back'n high school, bu' I didn' like him likeilikeyou…"

He put a finger over her lips to silence her mindless chatter and pressed his lips against hers to seal the deal. Her full breasts pressed into his chest and jiggled when she started giggling again. "You don't talk much doyou?" she laughed. Ferb couldn't help his disapproving look.

"Shhh," he whispered, and kissed her again. It was her damn freckles. They were scattered across her nose and cheeks and were just so damn cute he couldn't say no when she had asked him if he wanted to get better acquainted earlier.

She was his first redhead.

An hour later like clockwork she was passed out on the futon and he was sitting on the edge, cigarette dangling between his lips, face buried in his hands. He was thankful that she was so pissed she didn't notice him mumbling the wrong name earlier. He didn't even know what her name was.

A hand touched his shoulder and he jumped, but didn't remove his head from its cradle. He hoped if it was the redhead she would just go back to sleep. "Hey," Vanessa whispered gently, "You okay? You're worrying me tonight…"

Ferb finally looked up and into the most beautiful set of dark eyes he had ever known. He couldn't help his grim smile. "Yeah. First redhead…" he admitted. Like she didn't know. Vanessa knew everything. She was his one life support from himself. She was wonderful. They had never shared more than just the friendly kisses that she was apt to give, but that was okay with Ferb. She was too good to have sex with. She was special.

She pressed her lips into a thin line and placed her hands in his. Ash fell onto the carpet. "Ferb, you know you can always come to me with anything and I will always be here to help you how I can, whether it's a place to crash and blow off steam, or just to talk," she smirked at the likelihood of that happening too often, "but you really need to deal with this."

"I am."

"Well," Vanessa sighed, defeated, "get some sleep. I have an exam in the morning and won't be here. You know where the key is so lock up when you go to school." She got up and made her way towards her bedroom where Johnny was waiting. "And Ferb," she whispered over her shoulder, "you really shouldn't sleep with college girls. They could get in big trouble…"

After her door was firmly closed, Ferb spent the rest of his cigarette sitting in silence, mulling over her words. He knew that what he was doing was not healthy. But somehow it seemed healthier than what constantly invaded his thoughts. The lesser of two evils.

He gave up on that particular line of thought and laid back down next to the lightly snoring girl. She was going to be incredibly hung over in the morning. At least he would be gone before she woke up. He closed his eyes and gave in to his weariness.

He was shaken awake, and his sleep logged eyes focused in on two huge green ones staring back at him. Phineas looked frazzled and concerned, but as soon as he saw his brother's eyes open he dropped to the floor to collect Ferb's clothes. "School started an hour ago and I got worried about you. The band friend you said you were staying with told me where to find you. Now come on, we have a chemistry test in twenty minutes," Phineas instructed.

Ferb rubbed the sleep from his eyes and sat up groggily. He wanted to die a little. He never wanted his brother to see him like this. He noticed Phineas sneaking speculative peaks at the girl next to him. "Phin…" he tried. But what could he say? Phin, I have to sleep around to keep my mind off of my unhealthy love for you…right.

As he slid his jeans on and stood up, his brother gave him a comforting smile, "Don't worry dude, I won't tell our folks," he promised. The smile slipped a little and the worry presented itself more prominently on his normally carefree features, "Just don't make a habit of this, okay man? I love you."

The comforting hand placed on his shoulder burnt hell into his soul. He bit his tongue and slipped the same shirt on that he had worn the night before. He didn't normally wear his black clothes to school, but he didn't have a choice today. Phineas grabbed his bag and the two slipped silently out of the apartment, Ferb locking the door like he promised.

~+~+~+~ 17 Years Old ~+~+~+~

Ferb was too high to even see correctly. Everything was moving in slow motion and his limbs felt like lead. He couldn't comprehend how it had been so easy to move before. He obviously weighed a million pounds. And why did everything go black sometimes? How was he only experiencing two out of every three seconds of consciousness? What happened during that lost second? It was probably too wild to even comprehend.

There was obviously more to the pipe of marijuana than just marijuana. If he ever found the guy who offered it to him he would bloody his nose. And then draw glasses around his eyes with the blood. He grinned. That would be hilarious.

He and Phineas were graduating next week and he was out to have a good time. He sat, contented, on the grimy sofa in the ill-lit room of the old house that he had opted to party at with the friend of a friend of a friend. His brother had offered to have him come along with their neighborhood group like old times, but he firmly rejected the offer. He didn't want to sully his memory of childhood adventures with the present.

Music pumped the air in the room and light would flash in and out every time someone had to use the restroom. The bathroom was the only room that even had a working bulb. Cheap Christmas lights were the only thing lighting the rest of the house. It was all incredibly tacky and the whole area smelled distinctly of piss.

Somehow the shabbiness and seediness of the setting relaxed Ferb's mood. He felt like it suited him. Everyone, especially his family, were all impressed with his brother and his academic prowess and thought they were the most wonderful boys of all time.

Well they were right about Phineas. The redheaded young man didn't have the technical know-how that Ferb had, but he had the motivation, social skills, and leadership abilities that could drive anyone to do anything he wanted. He had all of these amazing abilities, yet still retained his insatiable optimism and good faith in everyone, especially Ferb.

When their parents had truly started worrying about Ferb's lack of conversational abilities Phin had ensured them that Ferb was fine. When he had finally caught Ferb smoking he had taken it in stride and, while not liking it, didn't make a fuss over it. Ferb, you're your own person, he had said. He had never acted disapproving or made a big deal about the random girls Ferb would date for a week before dumping for no reason. He just joked about his brother being a lady's man.

A thin smile lit Ferb's face as he recalled all of these things, but it abruptly fell when he remembered everyone else. He had a full ride to the Tri-State State University for engineering. His parents were proud when he accepted, but he was miserable. He had wanted to go somewhere far, far away so that he could take a few years to sort himself out, but then Phineas had applied and been immediately accepted.

His will had crumbled when the redhead talked in excited animation about their future college experience together as brothers at night when the two were in bed. It obviously meant a lot to Phineas that they stick together. It was the least he could do for his brother.

He started to actually worry about what he had inhaled into his body when an angry hallucination of said brother materialized in front of him. It was odd, even though the image was angry, Ferb was still really glad to see him. He sat back comfortably to enjoy the view.

"Ferb, what are you doing?" the image breathed, trying to control the anger in its voice.

"Looking at you," he replied in satisfaction. The hallucination had the same enthralling voice as his brother, too.

The image pinched the bridge of his nose. "No that's not what I…" the hand flew away from its face and it peered closely at Ferb, "Are you high?"

The hallucination was starting to confuse Ferb. It should know that, but who was he to judge? He didn't feel like he knew too much right now either. So he nodded.

"What? Why? Ferb, why would you do something like that?" his not-brother yelled. This hallucination was not going as he had intended. He had hoped for more cuddling…or something. Instead the image just yelled some more. "You could lose your scholarship over something like this! What are you thinking? Have you done this before?"

To quiet the loud, uncomfortable noises coming out of the apparition's mouth Ferb quickly shook his head in the negative. He just wanted angry Phineas to go lock itself back away in his mind. The violence of the negative confirmation must have worked because the angry Phineas wasn't as angry anymore. It kneeled down in front of him and placed its hands on his knees.

Sweet. Now the spooning.

"Ferb, why did you do it this time?" it asked instead.

Ferb's eyes felt watery and he couldn't stop the quiver in his jaw. Why not tell the image? If he couldn't tell his real brother wouldn't this be the next best thing? He took the hands on his knees and pulled the image into his lap. It seemed real with the light weight and distinctly Phineas smell, but so did the fairies fluttering around the room. Without any hesitation he pulled the not-brother to his chest and held onto him tightly. "I love you," he breathed.

Just like he knew it would, the image held tightly back, "I love you, too. Why did you do it?"

"Ha!" Ferb knew it would say that, too. His brother was so wonderful, but incredibly predictable, too.

He couldn't control the pounding of his heart or the sweating of his palms even when he knew this wasn't real. He unsteadily found its face with those adorable freckles and red flyaway hair, and huge green eyes, and he slipped a hand behind its head. He was trying to keep his eyes open.

"Nah," he said, planting a gentle kiss on its lips, "Like this…"

Now the cuddling could truly begin.

He was surprised only for a second when the green eyes widened to epic proportions and the image flew off his lap, plummeting into the floor and crawled away backwards before hitting its back against the wall. It's chest was heaving.

Then Ferb knew.

This wasn't a hallucination. Phineas was here. How he had found him he had no idea, but here he was. And he had just confessed his darkest secret to him. And he had kissed him.

And Phineas was afraid.

With no way out and his mind not functioning correctly, Ferb slid his face into his hands to hide himself and rocked back and forth on the couch. Maybe if he did that long enough he would die. He wasn't sure if the sobbing sounds were coming from him or his brother or someone else and he didn't care. His hands became slick with tears and snot as he rocked. He wasn't sure how long he carried on the motion, but it felt like both an eternity and no time at all.

His motions were stopped only when a pair of arms came around his shoulders and he was engulfed in warmth. "Shhhhh," Phineas whispered into his hair, "It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. Shhhh…"

Ferb didn't really believe his brother, but the relief, no matter how false, caused a new wave of tears to stream from his eyes. He held onto his brother and let the redhead rock him now, listening to his quiet chants. "I'm so sorry," he choked out between sobs.

"Shhhh, it's okay," Phineas relied automatically, "We'll work through this. I'm your brother and I love you. You're my best friend and I love you. We can get through this…"

It was much later before the boys began walking back to the house that night. Phineas had called Isabella and told the others to go on home. They would meet up again tomorrow, or maybe the day after that. Ferb had slept off some of the drugs and vomited out the rest. Even so, walking home he was in a fog. He wasn't sure if it was the shock of the situation or the drugs doing more damage.

Either way he didn't know what was next. Phineas knew now.

~+~+~+~ Epilogue ~+~+~+~

Gary couldn't believe that he was actually there, in the house, at the party…and personally invited. It was practically unheard of for Freshmen to get invited to these parties…unless you were already in. The guy keeping tabs on the door checked his invitation silently and nodded him inside.

The house was loud, but not loud enough to bother the neighboring fraternities. The atmosphere was lively and cheerful, and everyone seemed to be having a good time. Some people were dancing to the music, others playing poker on the dining room table. Couples and small groups were scattered and having private conversations. A group in the corner was playing beer pong. The only TV was playing an old zombie movie on mute.

Gary didn't even know where to start, so he turned to the bouncer once again; a burly looking guy with a buzz cut and beefy arms. "So this is a Phineas and Ferb party, huh? Which ones are they?" he asked.

The big fellow grunted and nodded towards a corner of the room near the TV. "The brothers are over there, but this is a frat party, not a Phineas and Ferb party," he instructed.

Gary nodded in understanding and looked in the direct that the guy had indicated. The only people he could see were two guys making out on a couch while a pretty Latina girl sat comfortably near them sipping a drink and chatting with a cute brunette who was standing nearby. It took him a moment for his jaw to drop in realization.

"Is that them?" he whispered frantically to the bouncer.

The guy nodded with a shrug. "Don't worry, they're just step-brothers and this is college, right?" he explained, then leaned in close to Gary, "And the tall one is European," he added with a wink, like that explained everything. Gary nodded numbly, and without any other direction headed towards the couple on the couch.

By the time he was close enough for conversation the two men had parted, the redhead giving the green haired young man a kiss on the forehead and turning towards the Latina girl and taking her hand. The tall, green haired guy stared at him expectantly. Gary assumed from what he knew that this was Ferb.

"Erm, hi," Gary tried awkwardly, getting no response, "I just wanted to stop by you all to thank you for the invite. This party is sick…" Still no response. Just eyes.

After a few awkward moments of silence Gary was ready to move on. Then the redhead noticed his presence and turned to him with a bright smile. "Hiya, I'm Phineas," he greeted cheerfully, then pointed in the girl's direction, "This is my girlfriend Isabella," he introduced, then turned towards the silent guy, "and this is my brother, Ferb. He doesn't talk much. Are you enjoying the party?"

Gary visibly brightened and chatted with the redhead for a few minutes, happy to have a little attention from someone in a room full of strangers. Phineas only took his attention away when Ferb rose from the couch. "You getting drinks, man? Could you get me some tea?" the redhead asked. Ferb nodded and looked at Gary, motioning him to follow.

The two walked in silence to the kitchen. It was empty. "Would you like some tea or water, or maybe a beer?" Ferb asked in what Gary could only describe as a soothing, thickly English accent. He nodded gratefully and took a can of beer from the fridge as Ferb poured two glasses of tea. They remained in what Gary assumed was a comfortable silence until they reached the swinging door.

Ferb pushed it open with his hip, blocking the exit, "Oh, and don't even look at my brother," he breathed in the same voice that had just offered Gary a drink. The silent promise was there and Gary gulped as he nodded enthusiastically and hurried in the other direction of the house. He knew there would be beautiful women willing to make his acquaintance there.

Phineas looked confused when Ferb returned to the couch alone. "What happened to Gary?" he asked. Ferb shrugged and handed his brother one of the drinks before taking his seat again.

Beside them Isabella giggled, "Ferb probably scared him off…" she laughed. Phineas narrowed his eyes dangerously at his brother, and Ferb shrugged again. Isabella laughed out loud. "You guys are so weird…" she panted between chuckles.

Ferb agreed silently, but he couldn't say he cared at all.

A note about this fic: I tried to start the moments as short, almost inconsequential things like you would experience when younger, to the darker, more in depth pain that would be experienced as time goes by. It was a method. Did it work? And can anyone say "open relationship"? lol Isabella only allows it because she thinks it's hot. lol

To anyone who questions my material:

"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed."

Ernest Hemingway

To any haters that have made it this far - fuck off. I have WITNESSED similar situations and wanted to write my take on P/F. They are such wonderful characters that I had a fantastic time spilling my guts onto the word document. To anyone who hasn't written before - try it! It's incredibly therapeutic. Nothing spurs my endorphins like writing.

And I've been watching The Walking Dead from AMC (don't own) and just HAD to put zombies in this. I almost wrote a zombie AU for Phineas and Ferb….

And is it just me or has anyone noticed how incredibly random my fics are? lol


"There is a time and a place for everything…and that's college."

South Park (Chef)


And I am sorry that this author's note is so frickin' long…