The first time it happened, Iruka didn't think too much of it. Iruka had been grading papers when he heard a knock on his door. He went to the front door and opened it. There was a slightly sweaty, nervous-looking delivery person holding a plastic bag of food. Iruka frowned. He hadn't ordered anything.
"Yes?" Iruka asked.
"Delivery for a one Umino Iruka." The delivery guy said reading off his receipt.
"Well, that's me, but I didn't order anything." He said with a frown.
"Look, so you're a wise, guy, eh?" The delivery guy grimaced then shook his fist at the scarred teacher. "You think you're the first shinobi to try and stiff me? Now, look, you ordered this food, so pay up! It's 12 Ryō and don't talk back!"
Iruka grumbled but marched back into his apartment and pulled out his wallet. He was hungry after all and he hadn't eaten anything. Hopefully whatever this food was, it wasn't something completely unappetizing.
"Look, I'll pay, but I didn't order this." Iruka protested as he handed over the bills and took the to-go bag from the argumentative delivery guy.
"Like I care, buddy." The delivery guy said as he walked away pocketing the money. "Your fly's open." The man said as he walked away.
Iruka looked down, it was. That was embarrassing. He zipped up and peered in the bag to see what his 12 Ryō had bought him.
Two bowls of pork miso ramen. Surprisingly pleased, Iruka smiled and began eating.
The second time it happened, Iruka was starting to get a little annoyed. Ramen was one thing, but this was entirely different. Flowers? He had just gotten back from sparring with Anko and hadn't even had a chance to take a shower. He was hot and sweaty and he wanted to take a shower. The water was running. He had already taken his shirt off. The knock was insistent and he ran to catch the door.
"What?" Iruka answered impatiently.
The delivery person stared at him for a moment. It was a young girl; she was blushing fiercely and holding a large bouquet of flowers in a vase.
"Um-Umino Iruka?" She stuttered.
"Yes?" He responded, more impatiently. He was going to lose all his hot water if this took much longer.
"These are for you." The delivery girl handed them to him abruptly; the flowers brushed against his bare chest. "You need to sign for them."
"Nani?" Iruka stared at them in incredulity. He signed the piece of paper out of habit.
"And of course, there is the matter of the charges." She continued after he had signed.
"Ano…what charges…?" He yelled.
"The delivery charges, of course." She smiled bravely.
"But I didn't order any flowers!" Iruka said indigently.
"Yes, you ordered the 'Love Explosion Fireworks bouquet'. Isn't it lovely?" The delivery girl smiled again.
"Well, it is lovely. But I did not order them!" Iruka growled. "And I refuse to pay for them! Just take them back to the shop." He tried to thrust the bouquet back into her arms but she stepped back.
"I'm sorry sir, but you have already signed for them. And if you read the fine print at the bottom of the receipt you'll see that by signing for the flowers and by taking them into your possession you are completing said transaction and it would be fraud to not pay the bill. If you do not pay for the delivery charges we will have to send collection notices out to you…" She sighed.
"Fine, fine." Iruka muttered. "But I'm going to talk to Inoichi-san!"
"As you wish, sir." She smiled sweetly.
"How much is it?" Iruka asked.
"35 Ryō." She answered.
"Just for delivery? That's robbery!" He walked over to his kitchen where he'd left his wallet and pulled out the money. He slammed the bills in her hand and then slammed the door shut on her face before she could even finish thanking him.
Iruka was tempted to toss the flowers in the trash, but he didn't. He had wasted 35 Ryō, half of his grocery budget on them, for Kami's sake, so he put them in the kitchen. Maybe later in the week if he got hungry enough he could eat some of the leaves.
The third time it happened it was really starting to be too much of a coincidence. He had been roused out of a dead slumber and probably wouldn't have even woken up if Naruto hadn't spent the night on the couch.
"Iruka-sensei!" Naruto yelled in his manner from the doorway.
Naruto, Sakura and Sai had connived him to go see a movie late last night and then to ramen and they hadn't gotten to bed until late. Iruka was exhausted. He, unlike Naruto, was not full of extra chakra reserves. Also, he wasn't a teenager.
"What?" He scowled and pulled the blanket over his head.
"There is some delivery guy at the door…" Naruto said, scratching his belly.
Iruka sat up in bed - instantly pissed, but immediately awake. He glanced at the clock. It was a little after 9 o'clock. What sort of delivery would be coming on a Saturday morning? He followed Naruto into the living room and went to the front door.
This delivery guy was very tall and pimply with greasy hair.
"Delivery for Umino Iruka."
"I didn't order anything." Iruka said clearly, folding his arms over his chest angrily. He didn't care that he was standing there in dolphin print pajamas. He knew they were utterly ridiculous looking but Naruto had given to him years ago and always insisted he wear them when he stayed over.
"Look, this was a special order. The chocolates were already paid for." The delivery guy said.
"Did you order Chocolates, Iruka-sensei?" Naruto asked from where he was standing behind his ex-teacher. "But you like chocolates, and I like chocolate, dattebayo."
"No, I didn't order any chocolates, Naruto." Iruka said tiredly, running a hand through his hair.
"But you are Umino Iruka." The delivery person said, looking at his delivery receipt again. "Umino Iruka in 3C?"
"Yeah, yeah." Iruka yawned. "Is there any fee associated with the delivery? Any delivery fees?"
"Well, you could tip me, you cheapskate, but it isn't fucking mandatory!" The delivery guy tossed the box of chocolates at Iruka. "Enjoy you pervert!"
Iruka sighed and wondered what had that meant? He handed the chocolates to Naruto to open; he was going to go make coffee.
A few minutes later Naruto was laughing and wanting to know why he had ordered chocolates shaped like penises. With crème centers!
It was starting to infect his mailbox, too. Umino Iruka was now one of the charter members of this dubious 'Kunai of the Month club' which would not return his call so he could cancel his membership. He had seen many kunai in his days as a shinobi and there just wasn't that much difference between them. Did he really need a new one every month? And what would the point of some fancy one? It was ludicrous!
Even worse, when Naruto saw the membership papers sitting on his coffee table, he whined about it so much, that Iruka actually had to call and order a membership for the damn foxy youth just to shut up him. He even tried to suggest buying a membership for Sai and Kakashi-sensei but Iruka assured Naruto that they could find them something better, and then rolled his eyes skyward when he wasn't looking.
The fourth time it happened, it was all Anko's fault.
See, Anko was on her way over in a little bit so they could go out and he was already dressed for a night out. That's actually why he'd opened the door so easily, now that he thought back on it. He'd expected it to be Anko.
But when he'd opened the door, it was just a delivery guy. This one was muscular and beefy looking. A marked improvement over the last one, but not by much.
Iruka smiled at the man but immediately said. "I'm sorry, I didn't order anything."
"Uhhh…are you Umino Iruka?" The delivery guy blinked at him stupidly. He looked down at the bag in his hands and shifted his feet nervously.
"Nope. Not me." Iruka said triumphantly.
"Wait, this is 3C?" The delivery guy scratched his head in confusion. He set the package down and started looking at his receipt and then looked at Iruka's door which clearly said '3C' on it.
"Sorry, you've got the wrong guy." Iruka smiled in a genuine manner and shrugged doing his best 'aww-shucks-I'm-an innocent-sensei-look' at the delivery guy. He was about the shut the door in triumph when Anko came bounding up the stairs grinning.
"Hey, Iruka, did you order us dinner before we go out?" She asked walking past the delivery guy and into his apartment.
Iruka's shoulders sagged as he caught the snicker on the delivery guy's face.
"How much is it?" Iruka growled menacingly at the delivery man.
"9 Ryō." The delivery guy said.
Iruka threw the money at the man and the currency was still fluttering in the air as he snatched the food from the delivery guy and slammed the door shut on him.
"Damn you Anko!" Iruka yelled at his best friend.
The fifth time it happened Iruka was actually at work. He was on duty at the mission's office and it was late at night. He was sitting next to Genma and they were playing truth or dare as the usually did went it got boring or really quiet. And late at night on a weekend, it was usually both.
"Truth." Iruka said.
Genma turned and looked at him rolling his senbon back and forth around his mouth.
"What's the best thing you've eaten lately?" The blond-hair nin waggled his eyebrows suggestively.
"Ugh, Genma, do all of your questions and dares have to be innuendos?" Iruka asked looking up from his paperwork to roll his eyes at this friend.
"You play the game your way; I'll play the game my way…" Genma smiled.
"Fine." Iruka scrunched up his face and thought for a moment, then laughed. "Actually, there were these really good chocolates I ate recently…" Then he blushed and laughed again. "Ano…I only ate one of them to tell you the truth. But they were very good."
"Eh, why did you only eat one of them? Did you get distracted by something else?" Genma pointed his senbon at him.
Iruka smiled. "No, they were delivered to me by mistake. And Naruto had eaten most of them before I got to them." He laughed again at the memory. "So, what about you, Genma? Truth or Dare?"
Just then, the door opened, and a delivery guy walked in. He had green hair and his delivery outfit was all in black leather with studs. It didn't even have a nametag on it. The man strutted over to the desk and read off a clipboard.
Iruka sputtered. Oh kami, not here now, too? No, not in his place of work! It was one thing to get these bizarre deliveries at home but he couldn't stand to start receiving them at work, in front of his coworkers.
"Yes." Iruka managed in a semblance of a normal voice.
Genma was looking at him, and then back at the delivery guy.
"I'll need you to sign for this." The delivery guy stated, pushing the clipboard over.
"What is it, first?" Iruka stood and pointed at the delivery guy menacingly, and then pointed at the clipboard. "I'm not signing for anything until you tell me explicitly, what I'm signing for."
"Two nights all paid for at the Royal Konoha Onsen Resort and Spa, plus massage and dinner at their restaurant." The delivery guy stated.
"It's all paid for, ne?" Iruka said coldly, picking up the clipboard and pen. "That's what you're telling me? Are you sure? Are there any delivery fees? Any hidden fees at all?"
"Iruka…" Genma whispered to him. "You're being kinda rude."
"It's okay, shinobi-san, sometimes clients are like this." The delivery guy said to Genma and then gave a long-suffering sigh.
"You haven't answered my questions yet, delivery person." Iruka snapped his fingers in the delivery guy's face.
The green-haired delivery guy sighed again. "No, Umino Iruka, there are no delivery fees or hidden fees associated with this delivery. I think you sound like a very suspicious and mean-hearted person though. And obviously a cheapskate. You obviously didn't buy this gift."
Iruka snorted but picked up the pen and clipboard and took the envelope that apparently contained the Royal Konoha Onsen Resort and Spa passes. He signed the receipt and passed the clipboard back.
The rude green-haired delivery person smirked. "However, I may have failed to mention that there is a small; however minor charge associated with the towels necessary during your stay at the onsen. Since you seem to be so concerned with cost, I feel obligated to mention it."
"How minor of a charge?" Iruka asked idly.
"2,000 Ryō." The delivery guy shrugged.
Iruka exploded. "That's not minor!"
The delivery guy coughed 'cheapskate' into his hand.
"Get out of here!" Iruka yelled at him pointing at the door. The delivery guy strutted over to the door and coughed one more time 'cheapskate' before leaving. Iruka took one of his new kunai and tossed it at him. It was bright red with flames. It missed him but it wasn't really supposed to hit him. He was a civilian after all. Genma looked at the kunai and arched an eyebrow.
"Kunai of the Month Club." Iruka explained.
"Sweet!" Genma said and soon he was calling, too.
Iruka shook his head and face-palmed.
The sixth time it happened, there wasn't anything going to stop him, he determined. The young child delivery person shouldn't even be delivering things. There had to be some sort of Konoha child-labor law against it. The little girl could barely hold the giant box up.
But he held resolute. He would not be swayed by her little chubby cheeks and her big blue eyes and white-blond pigtails and adorable kimono with paw prints on it. Nope, he would not. He was Umino Iruka-man of stone. He would not take whatever this package was. He would not fold. Even if he wanted whatever it was, he wouldn't take it. Even if it was free, he wouldn't take it. This madness had to stop! And it would stop today or so help him, he would move to another apartment!
A line had been drawn in the sand, so to speak.
He crossed his arms over his chest and stared down at the little girl, whose lower lip was quivering a little. Damnit, that just wasn't fair.
Iruka uncrossed his arms and softened his features a little. He didn't have to look mean at the little girl; even though he knew he was going to refuse the delivery.
"Delivery for Umimo Iruka." The little girl said in the cutest little girl voice.
Kami, he had to stop thinking about her as that cute. Seriously, it was just going to make it that harder to tell her no.
"Err, yes?" He said even though she had rather botched his name. "But I didn't order anything."
He gave himself the world's biggest high-five: Yes, you did it sensei! You said no! To the world's cutest delivery girl!
"Not order." She said pushing the big box closer to him. "These are classroom supplies. I'll be in your first year class, next semester."
Iruka immediately felt like the stupid, meanest-spirited person for making her lower-lip quiver earlier. He squatted down on his haunches and smiled happily at the little girl. "Well, it's very nice to meet you, what's your name?"
"Kaede." She said and giggled.
"I'm Iruka-sensei and it's wonderful to meet you!" Iruka smiled down at the little girl.
She smiled and he felt a little better.
"Okay, wait right here." He picked up the big box and walked it into the carried it into his apartment, then walked back out to the little girl. "There you go. Say thank-you to your mother for me, Kaede. See you next year!"
She waved at him and then bounced away quickly down the stairs.
He walked back into his apartment with a smile and went to look at the box of supplies. He opened it out of curiosity, interested to see what sort of supplies the little girl's Mother had sent. Wait, these weren't classroom supplies…it was a collection of erotic novels! He shook his fist in the air angrily! Damnit! He'd been fooled again!
So, later that night, Anko, Izumo and Kotetsu were all sprawled out on his couch watching some lame romantic comedy that none of them could care less about, now forgotten on the TV. They were mainly discussing the various deliveries at this point. It had become a hot topic of debate amongst his friends. Iruka had finally confessed the issue to them a few days ago. It was really starting to drive him crazy. He couldn't stop thinking about the deliveries. He had started pacing in front of his door, alternately staring at it.
All of them were on their third or fourth beer and fairly buzzed at this point.
"What you've got here, Iruka, is a case of mistaken identity." Anko said drunkenly.
"A failure to communicate!" Izumo held his beer up.
Kotetsu clinked his bottle against it. "Here, here!"
"I don't think that's the case, Anko. They've specifically stated the deliveries were for me. There is only one Umino Iruka in the whole village." Iruka frowned at her.
"No, no…think of it like a mission, Iruka. Maybe someone is trying to tell you something." Anko stated.
"What?" Iruka laughed the thought off. "Like what?"
"I feel like there a cosmic purpose to all this. A karmic connection." Kotetsu stated suddenly.
"So, what sort of things have you received?" Izumo asked sat up, getting into the idea.
"Ramen." Iruka stated, scratching his head.
"Lame!" Anko snorted.
"Iruka does love his ramen though." Kotetsu reminded the group.
"Flowers." Iruka trying to remember the exact order.
"What kind of flowers?" Kotetsu asked, taking a drink of beer.
"Err…the Love Explosion Fireworks bouquet." Iruka blushed.
"I'm surprised you remember the name." Izumo smirked.
"I had to pay 35 Ryō for the damn delivery; of course I remember the damn name." Iruka groused.
Anko cackled, leaning back in the couch, banging her feet on the floor. "Love…explosion fireworks bouquet…!"
Iruka narrowed his eyes at the woman. "Finding this amusing, Anko, ne?"
She sobered. "Uh, not especially…heh." She then winked at Iruka. "So, what else did you receive?"
"I'm glad to hear you say that, Anko because the next thing I received was penis-shaped chocolates with crème filled centers."
She burst out laughing again so hard; snot was coming out her nose.
Izumo and Ko were laughing hard, too.
"No, no, did you eat them, Iruka?" Anko asked. "Were they gooey and gushing and all melty in your mouth?"
"I don't know, you'd have to ask Naruto." He deadpanned.
All three of them gave him grossed out faces.
"You spend too much time with that boy, Iruka." Anko said pointing her beer at him. "It's unhealthy."
It was Iruka's turn to take a deep laugh and lean back in the couch. "I couldn't help it. He was here when they were delivered. I hadn't opened the box and I said he could have some. How was I to know they were penis-shaped? He had already eaten more than half the box when he came in the kitchen asking me why I had ordered penis-shaped chocolates. I was mortified, understandably. He still thinks I'm as perverted as Kakashi-sensei. Which is just wrong since I do nothing wrong and that lazy ass, good-for-nothing-jounin does everything wrong and we're both painted with same perverted brush."
Izumo and Kotetsu snickered and Iruka gave them a narrow-eyed glance. They quickly took a drink.
"What else has been delivered?" Anko asked.
Iruka thought about it.
"More food. Like 15 extra large pickles. Which is kind of weird, since I don't even really like pickles."
"Very phallic. Next." Kotetsu asked, picking up another beer and opening it with a pink kunai with sakura blossoms on it. It was very pretty but kinda girly. Ko looked at it and eyed Iruka, surprised the man would buy something like it.
"You're actually looking at it, Ko." Iruka said. "The 'Kunai of the Month Club'. I'm now a charter member. Someone signed me up for it via the mail."
"Oh, Genma was telling me about that, actually. It sounds kinda cool." Izumo said with enthusiasm.
Iruka slapped his palm to his forehead. "Did you see the kunai with sakura blossoms on it, Izumo? What is the point in that?"
"Genma told me you had a red one with flames on it." Izumo said. "Do you have it on you?"
"I can't believe you people are my friends." Iruka snorted.
"I think the sakura blossoms are kinda pretty, Iruka. What, are you waiting for a month with dolphins or something?" Anko snickered.
"What other deliveries, Iruka?" Kotetsu steered the conversation back on track.
Iruka blushed. "Well, err…erotic novels."
Izumo chuckled. "What kind?"
"I don't know…I didn't look at them!" Iruka said in mortification.
"What?" Anko shouted. "Why the hell not?"
"I've never really been into that sort of thing, Anko! Geez!" Iruka scowled and took a drink.
"Where are they?" Izumo asked, standing unsteadily to his feet.
"Nani?" Iruka asked incredulously.
"Yes! Yes!" Anko cried out gleefully. "I want to see them, too!"
Iruka covered his face and pointed to the large box in the corner where he'd left them.
Anko and Izumo raced over to it on shaky, drunk legs. Anko pulled off the box lid and tossed it to the side. Izumo was ripping through the tissue paper and then Anko was reading through the books and the titles.
"Oh, Iruka, you dirty dog!" Anko said. She was perusing something called 'Doing it Shinobi Style'.
"I didn't order those!" Iruka protested weakly.
Kotetsu slung an arm around him companionably. "Just let them have their fun, Iruka."
"Naughty, Naughty Sensei Vol. 13? I didn't know this was out yet!" Izumo said, opening the book.
"Ahk!" Iruka yelled and stood up. He walked over and took the books out of their hands and stuffed them back in the box and then kicked it across the room.
"Can we please focus now?" Iruka ordered.
Anko sighed and stood back up, almost falling down in the processed. She helped Izumo up and they both walked over to the couch and collapsed. Iruka was starting to think he was the least buzzed one in the apartment.
"You're such a party pooper, Iruka-sensei." Izumo pouted.
"No fun at all." Anko agreed with a giggle, bringing a beer to her lips.
"…Although someone wants you to be their Naughty, Naughty Sensei…!" Izumo said then both Izumo and Anko started giggling.
Iruka's hand balled into a fist.
Kotetsu patted his knee consolingly. "They're drunk, Iruka. And it is kinda funny."
He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.
"So, did you get any other deliveries, Iruka?" Kotetsu asked.
"The best one of all… two nights all paid for at the Royal Konoha Onsen Resort and Spa, plus massage and dinner at their restaurant!"
The group gasped.
"Food, flowers, chocolates, pretty weapons, gay porn, hot springs…I think it sounds like someone's flirting with you, Ru-Ru." Anko suggested with a giggle.
Iruka shot her a disparaging look.
"The Royal Konoha Onsen? That's not a delivery mistake…that's like winning the lottery, Iruka!" Izumo said with a frown. "I've booked rooms there for the Hokage, before. That place is…swanky. Have you ever been there before?"
"Well, of course not!" Iruka snapped. "I can't afford a place like that on a teacher's salary!"
"Then who do you think could?" Kotetsu said with a frown.
Actually, Iruka had been trying to think about it, and he couldn't think of anyone who could afford it – outside of a few richer council members in the village, and maybe the Hokage. And what would any of them want to toy with him? It just didn't make much sense? And the more he thought about it, the angrier he got.
"I think someone's playing a game with me, and I don't like it." Iruka snarled as he slammed his beer down.
Someone with all their careful plotting and exploitation had forgotten a very important part about Iruka-sensei. He used to be quite a prankster. Much better than Naruto – because Naruto always got caught. Iruka had only been caught once. Most people never told on him because they were too afraid to tell.
Iruka smiled gleefully at his friends and they all swallowed nervously in response. They all knew that whoever was doing this to Iruka should be very worried indeed.
The real sixth time it happened, Iruka was prepared. He was still dressed from work, since it was only early afternoon and he didn't have mission desk duty until later. The doorbell rang and he walked to the door calmly and opened it, curious to see what delivery it could be this time.
There was a short, portly elderly man outside. The man even had a few warts with hair on them. The delivery guy was holding two large bags and trying to read a receipt through very thick glasses. He was currently panting and wheezing. He set the bags down and fanned his face with the receipt. The hairs on his warts flew back in forth. Iruka tried not to stare.
"Let me…catch my breath, sonny…" the old man wheezed. He had obviously gotten winded from climbing the stairs to Iruka's apartment. "Are you Umino Iruka?" Wheeze. Wheeze.
"Yes." Iruka said, leaning against his doorjamb.
"In…" Wheeze. "3C?" Wheeze.
Iruka quirked an eyebrow then pointed at his front door to the clearly marked sign. "Yes."
"Then, I've got…" Wheeze. "…a delivery for, you shinobi-san." He said as he leaned over to pick up the bags, managing to pick up the bags and still look all hunched over, old and pathetic.
Iruka sighed. He was going to feel like a total jerk for this, but a plan was a plan and just because the delivery guy was an old feeble man did not make it any less of a good plan. In fact, it would probably make it more effective. He was going to question this old man, because the man had to know something about who was ordering these things! Suck it up, Umino! You are Umino Iruka-man of stone. You are a shinobi. You can do this. Ibiki-san hadn't been your jounin-sensei for nothing.
"I'm sorry, but can you carry the delivery into my apartment for me?" Iruka said briskly as he walked back into his apartment and sat on his couch and picked up the remote. "I was right in the middle of something."
The elderly delivery man peered into his apartment curiously.
Iruka turned his head and ignored the man, waving dismissively towards his bedroom. "Please put the bags in my bedroom, sir. I will tip you when you're done." Iruka then waved his wallet to show that he was good for the money after the man was done with the deed.
The elderly man shuffled slowly, wheezing and puffing across Iruka's apartment and into his bedroom. The man pushed the door open with his elbow and then let out a surprised and muffled squawk when he was caught in the trap that Iruka had carefully placed.
Iruka grinned and rubbed his hands together, cackling merrily.
Iruka walked into his bedroom and spied the elderly man hanging upside down from the ropes that were binding him, just as he expected. However, he hadn't expected to catch the wheezing, elderly man efficiently ripping through the bindings with a shuriken when Iruka entered the room. He obviously just wasn't a simple delivery man – he probably wasn't even the elderly man he appeared to be. He narrowed his eyes.
Umino Iruka was no fool. In a heartbeat, he tossed the two kunais he had in his pocket at the elderly man and then forced the shinobi to release what was obviously a henge.
He was shocked to discover it was none other than Hatake Kakashi. The infamous man was now pinned and bleeding by two of his 'Kunai of the Month Club' selections to his bedroom wall. The silver-haired man looked just as surprised.
"Kakashi-sensei?" Iruka said in a questioning voice.
Then the man was gone in a swirl of smoke and leaves.
The deliveries stopped immediately after that. Iruka found himself oddly missing them. He couldn't stop thinking about them. What were they about? Had Kakashi-sensei been sending him all those things? Had he been henged as every single one of all those delivery people? Iruka blushed at the thought. What was he playing at? Iruka didn't understand. He remembered the conversation with Anko, Izumo and Kotetsu and he couldn't help but wonder in one tiny part of his brain…was Kakashi-sensei flirting with him?
The man certainly was…odd. It is possible to assume that he actually might believe that this is the way people really go about it? He frowned and realized he should probably talk to the jounin. The 'gift' of the Royal Konoha Onsen was really too generous and he should return it. If Kakashi-sensei was truly behind it all, he should give it back. It was entirely too expensive.
Decided, he placing the envelope inside his flak jacket, and Iruka set off from his apartment through Konoha towards Kakashi-sensei's apartment. Naruto had given him directions.
Iruka looked down at the piece of paper in his hands and glared at the terrible directions that Naruto had given him. These were awful instructions! He had already gotten lost twice. He cursed under his breath and glared at the two apartment doors in front of him. It really could be either of them; from horrible directions the blond had given him – he had merely said 'the apartment on the top floor'. But there were clearly two doors – apartment '2A' and '2B'.
He shifted the bag in his hands. He had brought ramen from Ichiraku's as a peace offering. Iruka was angry, but he was also confused and he had a lot of questions. But he figured they could talk about it over some ramen. And if he got really angry – he could always pour the hot ramen over the head of the copy-nin! He smiled at the thought.
Iruka shrugged and chose '2A'. He knocked a few times and waited. And waited. He knocked again, louder. He knew the man was in the village. He had checked earlier in the day, just to be sure.
He heard a door open behind him. Iruka turned around and it was the other door, of course. '2B'.
Iruka smiled slightly and raised the bag of food, waving it in the air. "Delivery for Hatake Kakashi?"
Kakashi was dressed pretty much how he was always dressed. He reached up and scratched the back of his head in a nervous gesture. He appeared to be blushing slightly but it was hard to tell in the shaded entryway of the apartment complex.
"But I didn't order anything…?" Kakashi said, his one eye crinkling up.
Iruka snorted. "Nobody likes a wise-ass, Kakashi-sensei." He brushed past the sarcastic jounin into his apartment.
They were sitting down at Kakashi's kotatsu eating the ramen and Iruka was looking away out of respect for his privacy. He wasn't trying to sneak a peek or anything. Sure, of course everyone in Leaf was curious and he was as curious as the next shinobi. Who wasn't? But it wasn't like it kept him awake nights with longing or something. Damnit, where had that thought come from? Damn Anko and her flirting suggestions.
Iruka frowned and stabbed at a piece of his pork in his ramen bowl viciously, almost poking a hole through the styrofoam.
"So, Kakashi-sensei…" Iruka began, still looking down at his food. He fingered the lip of it anxiously.
Iruka could feel the other man's warmth next to him. Was it getting hot in here? Maybe it was just from eating the ramen. Surely he couldn't be attracted to the bizarre man? He didn't even know what he looked like! Kakashi did have nice hair, he supposed, and a good body. Wait, why was he thinking about his body? Umino Iruka, what are you thinking about? Those chocolates have truly perverted your mind! Crème-filled centers, indeed. Stop looking at Kakashi-sensei and thinking about his crème-filled center!
"Yo." Kakashi said and he instinctively looked up. The man was done eating his ramen and sitting there, mask back in place, looking at him.
Iruka scratched at his nose nervously. "Ano…was that…ahh…you henged as each of the delivery persons?" he placed his hands in his lap to stop them from fidgeting.
"Why?" Kakashi asked with a slightly belligerent tone to his voice. "What difference does it make?"
"Well…" Iruka paused as he started to get angry. "It makes a big difference to me. It feels like…lying…or spying or something, don't you think?"
"I…" Kakashi scratched the back of his head.
"Why did you do any of it?" Iruka pressed. "It was you, don't deny it!"
Kakashi looked away.
Iruka sighed and pulled the envelope out of his flak jacket that contained the pass from the Royal Konoha Onsen. He set it on the kotatsu between their now empty take-out ramen containers. Kakashi looked down at it and then back up at Iruka.
"I can't accept it. It's too much." Iruka shook his head.
"Sorry, but you signed for it." Kakashi said in a mocking tone of voice. "So, you can't take it back now."
Iruka felt his anger rising, which was good. It helped him deal with this situation. He was feeling awkward anyways and he knew how to deal with anger. Anger was easy.
"That's bullshit, Kakashi!" Iruka yelled.
"Maa…just 'Kakashi', now? Are we that familiar?" Kakashi said in a mocking tone.
Iruka's face exploded in a furious blush.
His hands balled into fists he pointed a finger at the man, "Why are you doing this? What do you want?"
There was no response forthcoming because Hatake Kakashi was taking his mask off. Even his hitai-ate was off. He wasn't…traditionally handsome but his face was compelling, magnetic. Iruka blinked staring at him stupidly, because he was just thinking to himself at the copy-nin was giving him a dangerous smile. He was about to say something but when he opened his mouth, another pair of lips descending up on his, effectively cutting off his thoughts. Dear Kami, the man could kiss! There was something undeniably sexy about the feel of those lips… it was like Kakashi was pouring all he had into one kiss…want…need. Like he was trying to convince Iruka of something.
Kakashi crushed their lips together in a mad rush. Maybe he was worried Iruka would argue or pull away? The kiss was nothing short of absolute possession. The man's tongue slid forward, to lick at his lower lip before dipping in to taste again, darting and slipping into his mouth skillfully, between his lips, tangling along his tongue in a fevered dance. He couldn't stop the guttural groan that rumbled up from his chest as he instinctively met him in equal fervor. Iruka couldn't think. He had literally stopped thinking. He wasn't Umino Iruka-man of stone – he was Umino Iruka-pile of goo! Well, except for one part of his treacherous anatomy.
Iruka belatedly realized the man was leaning against him, pressing him down back against the couch. Somewhere in a part of his brain he thought listlessly that this was Kakashi and he probably shouldn't be doing this? Something about deliveries? But the man was kissing this apparently secretly sensitive spot under his ear and he had lost his ability to think rationally again. Kakashi was nuzzling the side of his throat and trailing kisses down it and reaching his hands up his shirt, pushing his flak jacket aside. Kami, had he just arched his hips and rolled his shoulders to allow the man better access? Were those his tanned hands buried in that surprising soft ruffled silver hair? This was rather appalling. He was Umino Iruka-eager pile of goo!
Iruka was going to say something at this point, he really was. He opened his mouth to speak but that clever, clever mouth descended upon it again! Was the man psychic or something? Iruka shuddered and groaned beneath his touch, desire flaring in his belly as the other man pressed tight against him, his fingers clutching what must be rather painfully at the other man's scalp. The wooden floor was cold at his back, but Kakashi's body is very, very warm. Wait, wooden floor? Iruka's mind was slow to comprehend. Somehow during the last kiss the man had shifted them so they were laying flat on the floor, in the space between the couch and the kotatsu. Oh, the man was devious and good. Man of a thousand jutsus, indeed. One of them must be for making out, Iruka groused internally.
He felt the last of his resistance falling away, damnit. The man was still kissing him, and he was very skilled at it. Iruka was vaguely curious what else that mouth could do. He sighed in surrender, and returned the kiss fiercely, drawing one leg up and moaning as it shifted the way Kakashi's body pressed between his legs into a far more intimate position. Kakashi had broken off the kiss, but was now nuzzling his neck and biting him gently. Then he grinded slowly into Iruka and he could feel their erections pressing into each other, hot and hard even through both of their regulation pants.
"Oh, fuck!" Iruka panted as he locked his legs around the jounin's waist.
"Sensei…such language." Kakashi whispered as he undid Iruka's pants and tugged them off the younger man's hips. Iruka lifted his hips to help him. His breath hitched in his throat with fascination as to what might come next.
Iruka smirked wickedly. "Ne…I thought you liked 'Naughty, Naughty Sensei's', Kakashi?"
Kakashi blushed. He actually blushed! Iruka raised an eyebrow and leaned up on one elbow to watch this with fascination. It looked like Kakashi was going to say something but he changed his mind and just reached down to take off Iruka's boxers off instead. They were black and silky, one of his favorite pairs. He may live on a teacher's salary, a very tight budget and have to wear ugly, boring, common chuunin uniforms, but under them he wore silk boxers. Not that anyone saw. Until now, of course. They did accentuate his tanned and ripped abdomen nicely, too, if he did say so. Kakashi looked a little transfixed. He removed his gloves and rubbed the fabric between his gloves.
"Sensei…such undergarments." Kakashi whispered, and then hooked his fingers on the top edge of Iruka's boxers, and dragged them down slowly over Iruka's erection. He leaned in close, his face still slightly red. His breath was hot against Iruka's skin; it made him shiver – and then finally his already hard cock sprung free of the silk and Kakashi tossed the boxers over his shoulder.
Kakashi looked up at Iruka with a heavy lidded gaze and he felt his breath hitch again, his heart fluttered painfully in his chest and his hands were sweating. Kami, seeing him perched there, between his legs, his face so close to his cock, it was like…sweet agony.
"Ne, Kakashi?" Iruka growled, more than a little annoyed that the man had reduced him to begging. He wiggled his hips a little. Kami, help him. He was Umino Iruka-sexual deviant-!
"Patience, Sensei." Kakashi murmured with a sinful smile, and then he lowered his head and keeping his eyes on Iruka he wrapped his mouth around Iruka's cock, sucking on the head of him. Iruka's breath caught in his throat as heat pooled in his gut, twisting there as Kakashi's played his tongue over him, the brush of it maddeningly slow.
Oh, dear Kami! That hot, hot heat surrounding him was the best thing he had ever felt in his life. His eyes watched Kakashi and his tongue in mysterious fascination. Iruka shuddered and moaned, unconsciously reaching his hands down into Kakashi's soft hair. Damn that man. Iruka groaned, pleasure weaving through him as Kakashi's mouth vibrated around him, and again when Kakashi kept going, all the way down, till his nose was pressed against Iruka's skin and the muscles of his throat were working around the head of Iruka's cock as he swallowed.
"Fuck," Iruka breathed, lost to everything but the heat of Kakashi's mouth and the pleasure sliding through him. "Fuck, Kakashi…!"
Kakashi hummed and Iruka gasped, rocking his hips up, seeking more of that, breathless with the way Kakashi throat vibrated around him. Iruka twisted his fingers in Kakashi ridiculous silver hair, feeling the soft strands sliding through his grip; Kakashi moaned as Iruka drove his hips up, fucking his mouth with short strokes that slid his cock down Kakashi throat with every stroke. Kakashi took it, making husky, breathless sounds as Iruka's cock slid between his lips, which just made the heat, coiled itself tighter in Iruka's gut, turning and redoubling on itself until he was hovering on the edge of explosion. It was Kakashi's little moans echoing off the apartment walls that did it. Suddenly pleasure broke through Iruka like fireworks going off, blinding him as it exploded through him and he bucked against Kakashi's mouth.
Iruka laid weakly back against the floor and the next thing he knew he wasn't laying on the floor, but a futon. Obviously Kakashi had used a transportation jutsu to take them to his bedroom while he was relaxing in afterglow. Well, it wasn't like he was going to complain. Sex on a wooden floor wouldn't have been comfortable for him.
He blinked up at Kakashi and the man was pulling his shirt and flak jacket off. So Iruka also pulled his own shirt and flak jacket off. He eyed the older man. He did have a nice body, remembering his thoughts from earlier. Nowhere near as muscular as he, but it was lean and toned. And he was very striking with his pale skin and the mop of silver hair. His dick was already perking up again as he eyed the copy-nin. At least part of him was Umino Iruka man of stone-!
Kakashi crawled onto the futon towards Iruka, watching him.
"I've watched you for a long time, Sensei." Kakashi whispered, placing kisses on his left knee, starting a trail upwards, up the inside of his thigh. Then down his other thigh and he started kissing and sucking the backs of Iruka's knees. Knees!
Iruka was tingling all over, breathing harshly. He wasn't a virgin. He had been with men before. He knew what was coming – this wasn't necessary. Oh, Kami – he was licking his belly button! He was biting and sucking every few kisses, leaving trails of saliva and most likely love bite. Iruka could care less. His head was spinning with the desire that was pooling in his gut. Again. The man was everywhere, licking, kissing, caressing, and biting-!
"Damnit, Kakashi!" Iruka let out a strangled noise as he wrapped his hand around Kakashi's hard cock. "Fuck me!" Kakashi hissed out between his teeth.
Kakashi closed his eyes and shuddered, then reached into his nightstand and pulled out a slim bottle of lube. He slicked his fingers and pressed them into Iruka, working them into him slowly and watching the way Iruka sighed and moved before him tell him when to stroke them deeper and when to twist them, until Iruka stopped his hands and looked at him.
"Kakashi…" Iruka said breathlessly as he spread his legs wider for the man. "Don't you think you've played enough?"
"Sensei…" Kakashi was saying and then he was positioning himself over Iruka and he sank himself all the way to the hilt and all Iruka could think was fuck! fuck! fuck! – Kakashi was bigger than a few fingers and it hurt! The man gave him a few seconds to compose himself and he was kissing his face tenderly. "You're so beautiful."
Iruka blinked up at Kakashi. Beautiful? "Men aren't beautiful, Kakashi. I'm handsome." He pouted.
Then Kakashi rolled his hips into him and Iruka's eyelids fluttered with the stirrings of pleasure.
"You're pouting, Sensei. Only beautiful men pout." Kakashi smirked then rolled his hips again, causing Iruka to moan and clutch at Kakashi's shoulders wantonly.
"Kakashi…I suggest that if you cannot think of anything intelligent to say – you should find better uses for that mouth of yours!" Iruka glared.
He pulled out and back in, slowly at first then building up speed.
"Sensei…have I ever told you how gorgeous you are when you are angry?" Kakashi said as he rammed into Iruka. He leaned over and whispered into his ear. "Why do you think I always tease you in the mission room, ne? I get hard every time you yell at me, Sensei."
Kakashi shifted his angle and pressed the man harder into the futon. Iruka moaned wantonly and tossed his head from side to side as Kakashi's cock rammed into his prostate with every thrust. His breathing became labored and he could feel the heat gathering at the pit of his stomach. Tiny sparks of electricity tripped up and down his spine with every thrust. Kakashi slammed in and out of Iruka with such force the futon was rocking and thumping against the wall.
"Sensei…have I ever told you that every time I see you I think about bending you over your desk and doing this?" Kakashi said looking Iruka in the eyes, mismatched eyes gazing into his soul.
Kakashi wrapped a slick hand around Iruka's cock; he stroked and massaged at the same time to the same rough thrust and drag he used with his hips. Iruka lost all coherency; between the dual contact, pressing so intimately inside him Kakashi fisting over his straining length was just too much. The utter rush of orgasm burst inside him…exploding outward…his neck snapped back, a scream ripped from his throat as his body convulsed in rapturous pleasure.
"Fuck!" Iruka cried out, panting. "Kakashi!"
With a growl Kakashi surged, riding hard and deep. He slammed all the way in as far as he could into Iruka, who complied by raised his knees to cradle the man's heaving flanks moving with him as he desperately reached for his own zenith. Kakashi's body jolted with pleasure and shuddered reaching down grab the younger man's tanned hips painfully.
"Iruka!" Kakashi shouted hoarsely as he climaxed.
His breathing then slowed down and he lay down next to Iruka and pulled him into his arms. Oh? The copy-nin liked to cuddle! Iruka was utterly, completely satisfied. He really had no other way to word it. He sighed contentedly. This was not at all how he thought the evening would go, but he wasn't unhappy with the direction. He stretched languorously in the bed and looked at Kakashi, who was still watching him curiously as if he were something delicious to eat. Iruka smiled. He was Umino Iruka-sexual beast!
"What was with the penis-shaped chocolates, Kakashi? That was pretty crass…!" Iruka asked suddenly.
Kakashi laughed and was blushing again. "To be perfectly honest, Gai picked them out. He said they were sign of springtime, youth and vitality and bound to woo you."
"Gai?" Iruka said in confusion. "What does Gai have to do with this? Does he know about what you've been doing?"
Kakashi looked a little sheepish. "He is my friend and I asked him for help to woo you. I tried to strike up conversations with you but it seemed I could never really get past teasing you. He was the one who told me that you used to be quite the prankster before turning into the model Sensei that you are today." He paused. "Did you at least like the chocolates?"
"You would have to ask Naruto. He greedily ate most of them even up though he stated they were disgusting to look at." Iruka sighed dramatically. "And he now thinks I'm as big of a pervert as Kaka-sensei, thank-you very much. He keeps asking me why I order penis-shaped chocolates with crème-filled centers!"
Kakashi burst out laughing. Iruka smiled, enjoying the sound of it.
Iruka then thought about something he had said and looked at the man in confusion. "Ano…wait, I'm confused…how does pulling a prank on me turn into wooing me?"
"You're in bed with me now, aren't you?" Kakashi smiled wolfishly.
"Yes, but…" Iruka started to argue but it was hard to argue when the man was grinning like a loon in front of you. Iruka scratched his scar and used his best Sensei-voice. "You couldn't have known that this would have known turned out this way, Kakashi."
"Can't I have?" Kakashi started nibbling on his ear again causing Iruka to moan breathlessly again. "I am a genius."
Iruka glared at Kakashi.
"What did I tell you about finding better uses for your mouth?" Iruka muttered.
"What about the 15 extra large pickles? I don't even like pickles!" Iruka complained.
"Gai." Kakashi sighed.
"What was his reason for them?" Iruka laughed, looking for his boxers. They were hanging on a lampshade in Kakashi's living room.
"I believe more nonsense about springtime and youth and vitality…" Kakashi muttered.
They were getting dressed now. This was kind of fun, Iruka thought. It was like reverse hide-n-seek with your clothing.
"Here's your hitai-ate, Kashi!" Iruka tossed it to him. "I still haven't found mine. Or my hair-tie…"
"I like your hair down." Kakashi said.
"And 35 Ryō for the flowers!" Iruka suddenly remembered, putting his hands on his hips. "You're paying me back for that. That was half of my grocery budget for the week! I had to eat nothing but oatmeal for two whole days!"
Kakashi laughed at the memory.
"It's not funny!" Iruka pouted.
"You're pouting again, Sensei." Kakashi teased. "And I was laughing because when you answered the door for the flowers you were half-naked and sweaty – I could barely think I was so hard. I was lucky to be henged. I wanted to toss the flowers to the ground and shove you into the shower I could hear running in the background. Do you remember?"
Iruka licked his lips. Of course he remembered. "I would've preferred that to being charged the 35 Ryō, Kakashi. Maybe you could go show me right now, ne?"
"And the 'Kunai of the Month Club'…?" Iruka prompted.
The copy-nin smiled. "Maa…well, I happen to know the owner of the company and they thought you might enjoy a membership. At least it's useful, ne? I saw you used two of them to capture me that day…"
"Who is the owner?" Iruka asked idly, pulling his pants up and zipping them. He was now fully dressed. He sat on the couch.
"I am." Kakashi said, smiling with genuine happiness, his one eye curving up.
"You are?" Iruka laughed. "Of course you are! It's just as thoroughly inane as you are."
"I'll have you know that I have membership requests pouring in from all five of the major shinobi nations, Iruka. The company can barely keep up with demand…" Kakashi said in a tone that he was mildly offended by his words.
Iruka held up his hands in defeat and smiled at the older man. "Ne, Kakashi-san, I bow down before your superior business sense in this matter. I have already seen how much people like the idea. It is a great idea. I know that Naruto and Genma already signed up. And I'm pretty sure Anko, Izumo and Kotetsu are also going to join."
"Speaking of…that day that you caught me…did you like the kimono?"
Iruka remembered the kimono; it had been the last delivery – the one the old, wheezing delivery man had brought into the bedroom. He'd forgotten about it. How had he forgotten already? It was a very fine, expensive kimono. It was a sea blue with swirling darker blue patters and in a very fine silk with a matching navy obi belt. Shit, he should've brought it back, too, now that he thought about it. Why hadn't he brought it back? Probably because he'd liked it and already hung it up in his closet. He flushed.
"It was very beautiful, Kakashi." Iruka said slowly. "I should've brought it back, too. I wasn't thinking." Iruka scratched the scar on his nose.
Kakashi had finished dressing and sat down next to him on the couch. He was fidgeting. It seemed oddly strange to see him without the mask and gloves.
"I want you to keep it, Iruka." He said, leaning forward slightly. "I bought it for you."
Iruka blushed. "I…I couldn't accept a gift like that."
Iruka's face exploded in a furious blush. They had just had fucked…made love…whatever you call it, and he was still blushing. He was Umino Iruka-man of a thousand blushes!
"Why not?" Kakashi asked, scratching the back of his head.
"Well…because…" Iruka paused trying to think of a good reason. "I'm not sure, but…we've only really been on one date. Should-?"
Kakashi leaned in and took Iruka's face in his hands and looked at him with his miss-matched eyes. He had pushed up his hitai-ate.
"Sensei, we've known each other for a long time. I know just about everything about you, and you about me. I'm sick of watching from trees and teasing you from the other side of the mission room desk. I want you under me screaming and panting and moaning while I do very naughty things to you every night. So take the damn kimono. Okay?"
Iruka nodded. "Okay."
"So…" Iruka said to him much, much later. They were naked again. In bed. Sweat-drenched and come-splattered. Euphoric.
"Yes?" Kakashi was nuzzling his ear.
"I have this spare ticket to Royal Konoha Onsen. Did you want to come with me?" Iruka asked.
"Maa…I thought you'd never ask, Sensei." The man nibbled on his ear lobe.
"There is no a fee associated with the towels at the onsen, is there? I thought that sounded stupid." Iruka asked. "That 2,000 Ryō thing was just to piss me off, right?"
Kakashi laughed quietly. "I did tell you how gorgeous you look when you're all riled up, right? Sometimes I can't help myself…"
Iruka glared at him and then shook his head. "Ass."
"Sensei…we really need to work on your vocabulary." The silver haired man nestled Iruka further into his arms.
"Speaking of my being a 'naughty Sensei'…I've got these books that are really more your style than mine…" Iruka offered. "You're more than welcome to have them."
Kakashi's hands were tracing patterns on Iruka's chest. "We could always try reading them together, Sensei?"
Iruka snorted. "I have limited patience for those sorts of books."
"I believe I showed you earlier the benefits of patience, ne?" Kakashi chuckled.
"I'll consider it." Iruka sighed.