A/N: A one-shot, with Stephen Colbert from the Colbert Report, I know this idea has been done before, but I've been wanting to give a shot for awhile so I'm just getting it out of my system.
Warning: A lot of headcanon nonsense.
America fidgeted in his dressing room, phone pressed to his ear and five rings already gone by, "Come on England, answer already you old fart-!"
"Hullo?" The other line clicked exasperatedly.
The younger nation burst with excitement at hearing the other's voice, never mind that it sounded cynical and wry, "England! England! Hey it's me, America!"
"Really, now? I hadn't the slightest idea…" He said dryly into the phone, America could practically imagine the imminent scowl already forming on the island nation's face at those very words.
"Really? Hmm…everyone says I gotta pretty distinguishable voice!"
England sighed heavily, rubbing his forehead with his forefinger and thumb "…What do you want?"
The cornflower-eyed nation chewed on his bottom lip and tensely straightened up in his seat, "Weeeelllll…. I'm kind of nervous, I got this big interview coming up, and it's going out live, I was wondering if you had time to watch!"
England raised a large eyebrow at that, nervous? Now that wasn't a usual defect in America, well unless he was being paranoid, "What do you have to be nervous about exactly? You've done millions of interviews with your people, and I've seen enough of them to see you make a complete prat out of yourself to last me eternity."
The younger country huffed, "Yeah, yeah…but it's…Stephen Colbert!"
England had no idea who the boy could be nervous about as he tried to put a face to the name and then just down right gave up, "Eh…Who?"
"Dude…dude you seriously don't know who that is?"
"If its just some American reporter I don't see what you have to be nervous about, you've had interviews with Tom Brokaw, Diane Sawyer…Oprah for goodness sake, I'm sure you'll be the same carefree git you normally are and get away with it just as you always have."
America turned to the mirror at his station and attempted to pat down his tousled hair, "I'll just feel better if you're watching, come on its not like you got anything better to do! I know all you do sit and croquet or whatever in the morning!" He whined and pouted forgetting that his cute look couldn't work through the phone.
"You mean crochet, you idiot!" The older of the two corrected then glanced at his television which was currently on BBC News, "I don't even know what channel it could possibly be on, or if I even have it."
"Uh Internet dude, In-ter-net." America sounded it out slowly for the old man.
"Shut your trap or I won't even bother to watch it!" The Brit snapped back.
The American turned and noticed a few make up artists at the ready for him to hang up. He nodded politely to them and went back to his phone, "Fine, fine! Just check it out online, the interview is at 11 est., don't miss it! Kay, bye they're starting to do my make up now!"
"Wait a minute I didn't say I agreed to watch-!" England started, but noticed the line was cut and he was left fuming, "That…that! He hung up on me!"
Staring incredulously at the mobile device he hurled it to the carpet and stomped back to watch his news where he would undoubtedly become even more riled up.
Where did that git come off expecting him to be at his beck and call? England frowned already hearing that French wino teasing him on how spoiled he had made his former charge, and it was no wonder why the other always had to have it his way or no way. But still…he'd watch because the prospect of seeing America nervous on national TV was just something he wouldn't dare miss.
Timing it just right the wary older nation looked up the interview, "Now what was that tart's name again? Steve Co-Colb- oh bugger…" Instead he searched, 'America interview tonight,' and quick enough he found 'Stephen Colbert: Interview With A Nation'. He shook his head at the campy title, but was sure that it had to be him whom America was so fidgety about. Thinking back on it, interviewing nations had been a relatively new trend for everyone. For thousand of years nations had always been a topic of high secrecy in the world, but with new viewing technology, and the general public's piquing curiosity into the world of immortal personifications many of them were creating new ways to stay in touch with their people with Facebook profiles, twitter, YouTube accounts, and of course the occasional interview.
England was never one for connecting with the rest of the world or managing such trifling accounts. In his mind he couldn't imagine any of his people having the slightest interest if he posted that he went grocery shopping one day or just brushed his teeth. Apparently however America thought people cared very much because that's all he ever posted, not including the instance where he mistakenly tried getting England aroused by emailing a picture of his hard prick behind a pair Union Jack boxers and instead posted it on twitter for all the world to see. England of course tried very hard to forget about that.
As the video was buffering, England stepped out the living room to start his morning tea, as was his usual routine.
"America, I wear the pants in this relationship. Most of the time. This is the Colbert Report!"
England paused mid pour at the loud and boorish American accent coming from his living room. He sighed a long straining sigh, "Bloody Americans..."
He then heard an obnoxiously crass and dare he say patriotic tune playing as claps and cheers began to ring out. Preparing himself for the inevitable, he finished his tea making, stepped back into the room and sat himself delicately on the couch to balance the warm cup in his hands and get in a comfortable position for his viewing…pleasure.
The man on the screen looked no different than any other American businessman on the street, a smart suit and tie combination with gelled back hair and wired-framed glasses not unlike America's. The audience greeted him with chants and applause and the man seemed to soak it all in with his overbearing whitened smile…also not unlike America's.
He held up his hand to stop the applause and they ceased almost like magic. Pausing for dramatic effect as his eyes danced, "Good evening nation…or should I say people of the nation…or should I say people of the nation whom I will be speaking with in a matter of seconds….or should I say people of the nation whom I will be speaking with in a matter of seconds speaking to me about speaking to him." The crowd laughed long after that, and England sat, tea in hand (pinky out of course) with a neutral, but otherwise judgmental expression. So far the man was an idiot, and his studio set with all its red, white, and blue stars and stripes background was not helping him at all in the island nation's eyes, in fact he looked like one of the many American crazed nationalists he had come into contact with over the years.
Colbert gave a stern expression towards the camera, "America, on this show, your voice will be heard-in the form of my voice! Please, stand up to welcome The United States of America himself." He stood up as did the entire audience, England rolled his eyes imagining Americans at home also standing up like idiots.
America walked on the set, pressed blue suit, and red tie combo, hair fanned back, and obvious airbrush to finish the look. He saluted the crowd with waves, grins, winks, and of course the peace sign, England groaned, how many times did he have tell that boy that it could be mistaken for another well known sign in his country? But he supposed it didn't matter since there would be mainly brainless American's watching anyway.
The two men on stage shook hands and greeted each other politely as they both sat respectably on each side of the table.
Colbert had a few cards in hand, but never looked at them as if they were for show and seemed blinded by the 19-year-old look alike in front of him. He coughed into his sleeve then smiled almost playfully, England raised an eyebrow at the look, "First I must say it's an honor to be here interviewing you, we've met before on some occasions, but we haven't had more than a few words. So before we start, you know I love you, right?" He batted his eyes and the crowd "awed" the camera focused on the pair and America's smiling expression never faltered. England bit his tongue, it's not the first time a human has said that to him, and it's not like it meant anything…
The blue-eyed nation simply chuckled goodheartedly, "Haha of course man, love you too."
The crowed "awed" again and England rolled his eyes, "Oh gag me with a bloody spoon." He droned.
Colbert pointed his pen at the country, "If you need anything, anything at all I'll be the first person there for you. If you need a kidney, I'll gladly offer you homeless donor, which in this economy shouldn't be too hard to find." The audience and America both busted with laughter, but England could sense a slight strain in the other's laugh as if it was forced, almost hurt.
"You big baby…you're too sensitive." The green-eyed country mumbled, but half of him wanted to be there for the other physically, perhaps this was what America had been so worried about.
The show's host smiled, "So I was thinking why don't we talk about current things and then get to the questions I really want to ask."
America twiddled with his hands, a nervous habit, "Sure, shoot!"
"Alrighty," The host fixed his glasses and looked at one of his cards then back up, "America, now its no secret I'm not a fan of soccer, but I watched the game between you and Mexico, and I thought to myself how many times do you have to lose to Mexico before you figure it out soccer just isn't your thing." The crowd erupted into laughter and even some cheers. Colbert stared at his nation, eyes questioning.
England bite the inside of his cheek.
"Hey I beat Mexico a couple years ago!...or something," America looked down, almost ashamed, "It's just…I don't know, he just wanted it more? Did you even go to the game?" He looked, challenging the host.
"Of course not, I'd much rather fall asleep from boredom on my couch than in the stands." The audience laughed again at his tactful wording.
England scowled, "Bloody American…of course you wouldn't understand the sophistication of a real sport if it bite you on the arse."
"Well…it was at the Rose Bowl, but Mexico still had more fans…" America sighed, perching his elbow on the table in front of him and resting his head in his palm.
Colbert appeared genuinely disheartened by his nation's expression, "America don't beat yourself up about it, just think of it this way, soccer is a lot like the Vietnam War for you."
America scrunched his brows together in bewilderment, and even England sat there not understanding the comparison, "Uh…how so?"
"It goes on forever and you never win." The audience busted up, and so America laughed with them, albeit much quieter.
England's fist tightened, this man was pushing all of his nation's buttons, on one hand England applauded the fact that one of America's citizens openly teased and poked fun at him. He's seen many others do it, whether it was on the news, in comedy, or on the street, but he never once seen someone say it right in their nation's face. This man however did it in a way that seemed okay to the world, because it was playful banter as if he were acting, and perhaps he was. He wasn't anyone to take seriously, he was in it for the laughs and yet there was an underlying truth to what he said and to how he said it.
"How did you spend your Fourth of July, America?" Colbert asked suddenly, and seriously.
America's smile blossomed and renewed at that question, for it was an easy one, "It's kinda different each year even though most just think I have a party. I spent the first part of the day with really close allies, family to me practically, then I had a private concert thrown for me, it was awesome! And of course last but not least the fireworks show back in DC where all the nations are invited."
England smiled almost fondly, he had been there from the beginning to the end of that day. Despite the years of bitterness still buried in his heart he chose to reinvent his view on America's birthday as not a day of separation, but one of even closer ties to come. It was excruciatingly difficult to not look back on the past with spite, but he had to do it if he ever hoped to have anything with the younger nation again.
Colbert nodded, but didn't smile, "I'm sure you know many states don't allow the sale of fireworks. To me it's not the Fourth of July until I'm rolling on the ground screaming for somebody to put me out." The audience laughed at his joke and steel expression.
America chuckled and shuffled his feet about, "Unfortunately there's not much I can do about that, state laws always fluctuate, but they have their reasons."
He pointed at the nation with his flashcard, "I completely agree with you, which comes to my next topic, New York Legislative legalizing gay marriage, so are you trying it on coastal regions to see how it looks or are you just okay with gay marriage in populated areas?" The audience applauded and hooted, showing their agreement while Colbert stared at his country's eyes questioningly.
England huffed, things of this nature weren't within a nation's ability to control and yet countless people always blamed their country for slow progress when in reality it was their sluggish and narrow-minded politicians.
He saw America shift uncomfortably, "I'm happy for New York and the progress it's made, but stuff like this isn't really in my realm of work, marriage both straight and gay are something humans made up and countries don't deal with that kind of thing. As for my views on gay marriage, as I've said before I'm neutral since like all countries I have no specific sexual orientation," He changed his attitude with a curious look, "But I'd like to hear your views."
England smiled at America's change in tactic, it was surprisingly smart, but with this man the answer was unpredictable.
"I have nothing against gay marriage either, some of my best friends are going to hell," Colbert said carelessly, and those around them laughed in disbelief and "oohed". He was obviously playing with the nation and his look said it all, "I have another question for you though, if nations have no specific sexual orientation why do you have a gender in the first place? America isn't just made up of men, and yet you're personifying us."
The Briton knew this wasn't the first time this question had been asked to at least every nation at some point, but it was one of mix response, the most common of course was, "Next question please." He wondered how America would approach it, probably just as vague as the rest of his answers have been.
America shrugged and looked down, "I-…we're a confusing breed I guess, but in a way we appeal to both sexes. I'm not just into football and beer, I like romantic comedies and I think Johnny Depp is a stud-muffin." The audience automatically erupted into shrill cries of laughter and cheers, and America sat there grinning unabashedly while the host gave the same expression.
England sat and stared with narrowed eyes…really?
The younger nation sobered, "But I understand what you mean, Colbert. It's just…being a nation we get the benefit of the doubt. It's hard for us to express all human emotions because of what we are…"
"Emotions like…?" The host pressed on.
"Like…I don't know, uhh falling in love?" The crowd 'awed' at their nation's unexpected answer.
England bit his cheek for a second time, hard.
"It's not easy for nations to fall in love, you know? So we don't let a stupid thing like a twenty-third chromosome affect how we feel."
England liked when the younger nation used scientific wording, perhaps not when he was trying to be earnest and a tad bit romantic as he looked straight into the camera and not at the interviewer, but it was sweet nonetheless.
Colbert laced his fingers together and edged closer on the desk, "And why isn't it easy for nations to fall in love? It's known a lot of you have."
America chuckled softly, "It's not a big mystery if you think about it, there's reasons why nations are created in the first place, the same goes for languages…its to keep us separated. Our people made us to be separate, it's not in our nature to….to cooperate exactly, but that doesn't mean we can't. I mean I've fallen love, I've been brokenhearted, I've lost a few friends, but I gained even more."
"Just like the rest of us." Colbert reasoned.
England's eyes glossed over slightly, but he rubbed them away vigorously, it was incredibly touching what the other had said, he felt it in his words, and in his body language. He hadn't meant to get this emotional and would surely be teased by the other nation if he could see him now, but this was different, because he was alone and yet America was still there.
He noticed the conversation growing more on the serious side as Colbert and America spoke about current events ranging from bringing more of the troops home in a span of two years, the debt ceiling, global warming, the economy, and then…relationships.
"I had my audience take a little poll on how well they know their nation, and who they think you spend most of your time with, you've said so yourself that you spend a lot of time outside meetings with other nations."
America nodded and chuckled, "Well Its just like saying who my allies are, but I'm curious." He motioned for Colbert to read the poll.
For some reason or another England felt himself on pins and needles, what if no one thought they were close anymore? There was always talk about how the special relationship was just a sham, a shell of what it once was, and then there was the fact Americans thought all of Europe hated them, including the UK. To England they were over exaggerating ninnies, not all of Europe hated them, per say…
"Out of all the nations on the map, the audience had to pick their top five choices…fifth is Australia. " He read it off his card and looked up.
England blew a sigh of relief he didn't know he had been holding in, at least he wasn't last…if he was on the list at all.
The American smiled mischievously, "Oh yeah, me and the Aussie go way back, we get each other a lot, you know? I mean even though he's like on the other side of the galaxy as far as distance goes, we got a lot in common in history and England dumping people he didn't like on us, like the crazy puritans with me, and lunatic criminals with him."
The Brit frowned as everyone clapped and hooted at the joke, it was not the least bit funny in his opinion, times were hard back then and it wasn't his fault he had no room for his criminals, or patience for any religious nuts. Besides his two former charges came out of it alright…he supposed.
"Throw any shrimp on the barbie for you when you go over?" Colbert asked, silly grin in place.
"Dude, you have no idea how he much hates when I say that, I think it's the criminal in him, but he looks like wants to ring my neck every time, haha! Oh and 'the dingo ate your baby' thing also gets him riled up, I don't know why 'cause it's pretty hella funny to me." America laughed obnoxiously, loosening up and starting to speak with a Californian accent.
England rolled his eyes at the accent shift, "You piss everyone off without even realizing it, git."
"Did your voice just drop?" Colbert asked suspiciously.
The young nation rubbed the back of his neck, "Ah hah…my accent changes every once in awhile. I can't control it." He shrugged.
"Do an Alaskan accent!"
"Uh…that's a gotcha question right there." America said using his best Sarah Palin impression and the crowd ate it up.
"Alright, alright, no more messing around, I'm pretty sure that saying is trademarked," Colbert said trying to settle them down, but was still laughing himself, " So it says here your fourth bff is Israel?" He asked.
America nodded, "Israel is chill, he's like a little brother to me."
"Well that make senses, you protect him from big bully Palestine." Colbert stated with a matter of fact tone, and the audience laughed in agreement.
The country laughed awkwardly, "Yeah those two….crazy, crazy kids…"
England subconsciously nodded his head, remembering all the times when Israel was under his care.
"Do you wanna guess who your third closest friend is?" Colbert asked, holding the card up.
America smacked his lips in thought, "Mmmm….surprise me!" He exclaimed.
The island nation rolled his eyes, "Doesn't this pillock even know who his own friends are?"
Colbert clicked his tongue and read off the card, "Says here Japan, yeah I could see that, our news stations blow the entire tsunami out of proportion and in return they supply us with good ol' Japanese porn for the boys back home." He said with a silly smirk, and the crowd laughed right on cue.
America held his stomach as he gave a hearty chuckle, "Yeah…that was bad wasn't it? But anyway, yeah, Japan is an awesome guy, and we hangout all the time! He always has something new to show me, like his killer food even though he eats little ass portions that leave me hungry like a half hour later, but its still cool. I mean I'm not gonna sit here and say its always been like this, but what's a few raindrops between friends, right?"
England smiled softly, he knew how difficult it was for countries to forgive and forget the past, he for one still held many grudges, but America and Japan had righted their wrongs very quickly. Theirs was a rare combination indeed, a young and naïve nation at the pique of his success, and a much older, and wiser nation rocketing towards the top.
The Brit liked seeing America make friends like this, not only was it heartwarming, but vital for the world to see that even former enemies can see through past differences. His mind instantly imagined a picturesque moment between he and France. He couldn't help but cringe…well those sorts of things take time he supposed.
"We're down to our last two, now these two were surprisingly close with only a couple votes difference." The crowd 'oooed' and England sat at the edge of his seat.
What if he were one of those countries? Who would be so close to America that only a pair of people could differentiate their relationship?
"Ready, America?" He asked with a raised eyebrow.
He nodded seriously.
"2nd place goes to…."
England felt himself on the edge of the sofa, legs clapped together and a strong urge to use the loo.
"The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, damn that's a mouth full!" Colbert called out.
America sat there.
England sat there.
"It makes sense with your history, culture, military, and political ties, plus you gotta love those accents, am I right?" Colbert winked knowingly.
"Heh…yeah…gotta love…uh." America trailed off and averted his gaze with hued cheeks.
England however was happy he made it on the list, but now furious there was a country out there America felt closer to! Who could it possibly be? He and America shared so much together, had built a relationship unrivaled by all and gave each other something they thought impossible between two nations, love.
He racked his mind for the one country his lover felt closest to, but none came to mind, "Who the bloody hell could it be? Mexico? No…those two are always so on edge with each other. Perhaps Russia? Everyone's always saying they had sexual tension in the 50s, I don't believe that tripe though, who feels randy towards a country threatening to nuke you off the face of the Earth?...well maybe Russia would…" Now he was just babbling to himself, and sweating bullets.
"Now its time for number 1, have any idea who it might be America?" Colbert questioned, glasses shining from the stage lighting.
"…Uh…haha no idea!" He answered back genuinely as perplexed as England.
Colbert shifted in his chair, "How about a clue? He lives above you and could pass as your double, though not as strikingly good looking in my opinion."
America scrunched his face, "Duhhh…Greenland? But I don't think we look alike…"
"He's our greatest importer and exporter,... and your brother."
"Uh….China? Wait, he's not above me or looks like me, and he's definitely not my bro," America's befuddled look deepened, "He's not imaginary right?"
Even England was left guessing, "Who the bloody hell could this yank be referring to? Unless he's pulling our leg, damn twit."
The audience was giggling at America's now random guesses, and Colbert was smiling and shaking his head in disbelief, "We're almost out of time America, are there any last words you want to leave your people with?"
"Wait, b-but who is it?" America asked in frustration.
The host chuckled, "I'll buy you a map on our way out. Anyway, anything you'd like to say?"
The young nation looked thoughtful, "I guess, just a big thank you for always being with me, and supporting me when things get tough. I was pretty nervous before we started the interview I had to make England watch, and if he is right now I wanna say sorry you didn't make number 1 sweetheart, but I seriously think my people are playing a huge prank on me, and….I love you with everything I am…" The audience 'awed' and squealed in delight as America stared into the camera as if he was looking straight at England himself.
England's face blossomed into an unhealthy shade of red as he quietly cursed at his not so subtle lover.
"Anything else?" Colbert inquired.
America laughed and yelled loudly, "Uh...the metric system sucks!" His people stood up cheered, screamed, and clapped for their country.
Colbert stood up as well and saluted his nation, "Until then, America: courage. No, that sounds weak. How about: have some balls."
They both gave the same twinkling smile to each other, and waved to the audience as the camera paneled out and unfocused till it was over.
England sat there, his tea had long since gone cold, but he himself felt very warm and lighthearted. Most of what he just watched was nonsense, rubbish in fact, but there were small pieces in there he liked to be reminded of, things he already knew for years, but treasured when America said them.
Not a minute later his phone rang with America's caller ID, and like always he waited five rings before he picked it up, smiling.
Canada sneezed into his sweater for the fifteenth time that day as he lay in his bed, "Ooh, am I getting a cold?" he moaned and blew into his nose with a tissue.
"Maybe someone's talking about you?" Kumajiro guessed as he batted his ear.
Canada looked up at his bear, stunned, "R-Really? Who?"
"I dunno…who are you?"
A/N: This was supposed to be funny, I know I completely failed…what is wrong with me? Ah well. I'm sorry if it was boring, lacked a lot of USUK for reasons even lost on me. I really wanted to do this though because I've loved watching Stephen Colbert since the beginning of high school…and I might have a…slight tiny tiny tiny crush on him, and I know its weird because he's old, but I can't help it I love funny men!
I feel like Colbert might have come off as jerk in this though, and I apologize if it offended anyone, a lot of the things he said are actual quotes from his show and are meant to not be taken seriously at all.
"And what's a few raindrops between friends?" That's from Digimon the Movie, don't make fun of me ._.
Also the made up poll of America's closest allies is semi real, I looked up a lot of sites and many people put the same things, and it always seemed to be a tie between the UK and Canada. So its between lover and brother, in my opinion, bros before hoes! ;) Just kidding England, you're a classy lover.