Note: I don't own anyone here. If there is acting out of character or any
factual mistakes, it's been over an hour since I saw Star Wars last, gimmie
a break!


Harry Potter was just a normal farm kid. He lived with his aunt and uncle,
the Dursleys, on their small moisture farm on Tattoine, and he had dreams of
being a starship pilot. One day, Uncle Vernon took Harry to buy some droids
from the Jawas.

*ehm, excuse me?

They selected a protocol droid and an astromech droid.

*Hello, can you hear me? You're getting this wrong.

No I am not. The astromech droid turned out to be junk, and the protocol
droid said that-

*Yes, you are wrong. WRONG. This story is all wrong, and I should know,
because -

Will you stop interrupting me?

*No! I'm telling you you're getting this wrong! I don't live on a farm, I
live on Privet Drive in England and I've never heard of Tattoine and -

Well anyway. I seem to be having some trouble with my information, so let's
start over.

Luke Skywalker's parents we killed by Vader when he was a baby, so he lived
with his horrible aunt and uncle, Beru and Owen Larrs, while he grew up.
They their son, Xixor, and made Luke sleep in the cupboard under the
stairs. Soon before Luke's eleventh birthday, he received a strange letter-

~I say, this is wrong too!

I refuse to listen to you people. You are merely products of the imaginations
of J. K. Rowling and George Lucas, respectively, and I'm the one telling
this story!

~Yes, but you're getting us confused! I was the one living on Tattoine!

*Yeah, you're really messing up! And we're the main characters, too, so
we should be written about correctly!

You two are fictional characters! You can't hurt me and I can do anything
I want to with you as long as I don't make any money off of it!

~That's unfair!

That's just too bad.

*We ought to do something about it! Do you know of anyone important...
(whispering)

~(whispers back)

Well, I don't care what you are talking about, I am getting on with the
Story! Harry Potter was -

~Excuse me, I just thought you'd like a warning. I've talked to my dad-

*and I've talked to you know who -

Actually, I don't know who, and I believe your father was killed by
You-Know-Who, so I don't see how - wait a moment, you ~ person, you're
Harry, right? ... right?

Hello. (Breath in, breathe out.) As required by narrative conventions, I
am currently at odds with my son-

}And I with Potter -


But we have decided that your inability to write correctly is a major
violation of the ALSW-

}That's the Antagonist's League for Serious Writing -

Stop interrupting me! (breathe in) So we have decided to put our
differences aside temporarily to teach you the error of your ways.

Just a moment, guys. Take a look at where you are.

I see your numerous posters of me on your walls, but that is irrelevant -

} Look, Vader! She is wearing a Voldemort t-shirt! Finally, my merchandising
has become popular! And she has that binder with my picture inside! She
is obviously a loyal fan - and there's been worse writing -

That's not all. I made myself a Dark Mark nightlight. Two hours with black
construction paper and a pushpin.

} Say what you will, Vader, I refuse to terminate her!

We must! Is is required by the ALSW charter-

Tell you what, I'll write you a special fic.
Lord Vader, the heroic defender of the Empire, is frustrated by the
Emperor's weak-mindedness and inability to face the facts. Though
Palpatine is the more powerful Jedi, Vader's stragetic ability and superior
intellect make him more than a match for the aging Emperor. Soon, -

Well, maybe we can make an exception this time...

~Hey, you promised you'd terminate her!

*yeah, and you did too! I should tell all the wizards you break promises,
Voldemort!

}I believe, Potter, that all but the most naive should know that by now.

You know, I think I'd rather chase Jedi than a writer any day.

} Myself also.

~Aaaaaaaah! (fading into the distance)

*AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (going nowhere because of an unfortunate Leg-Locker curse)

Isn't this sort of thing fun?