"Carpe Diem"

by: tlgirl

Chapter 4 - Lost and Not Found

Rating: PG-13

Category: Zane/Sam

Disclaimer: blah blah blah . . . I don't own anything . . . don't sue me . . . you know the drill.

Note: Sorry for the lack of updates. Don't fret though, I am determined to finish this

Feedback: I save every piece of feedback I get. I might not e-mail you back, but rest assure that the 30 seconds you wasted sending me an e-mail about your thoughts, was read and very much appreciated. E-mail me: tlgirl@free-your-soul.net

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Zane

Many emotions had been experienced in the short time span of less than a week. The realization, fear, and cold indifference followed by painful regret.

I dreamt of her in my sleep. Every waking moment I came to this understanding: I lost her.

"Zane, you fucking idiot, you lost her!" my conscience screamed to me as I awoke this morning. I lay in bed a few moments longer, not wanting to get up; selfishly hoping that if I closed my eyes tight enough all my burdens would be lifted. I open them again, knowing that everything was still the same. I was still moving to California and Sam was still beyond pissed with me.

I lost her. Not that I had her to begin with. Years of talking about everything and nothing at all had been spent thinking we'd be together forever. Cheesy and unrealistic outlook when I look back on it. But I never let anything ruin my optimism . . . until now. I don't blame her for feeling betrayed. Our childhood promises and pacts were supposed to last a lifetime. Those contracts bound by spit, pinky-swears and lazy afternoons however had no backing in the real world, a world that we met with a resounding crash a mere few days ago.

I had always been the idealist romantic of the two of us. She the realist who didn't believe you could find your soul mate when you were only ten years old. And she was good at pushing away the feelings that scared her and didn't understand. I on the other hand, welcomed them with open arms. This only scared her more and she became great at denying everything I felt for her.

Was I persistent? Of course.

Almost annoying? Maybe.

But, pathetic? Never.

Lovesick? Never in your fucking life was I lovesick.

I could never remember a time when I didn't love her. Every instance I could get, I would subtly try to tell her or show her how I felt. As time went by it became less and less subtle. Now it's too late. Like a coward I'm just going to roll over and die. So many opportunities missed. So many words remained unsaid. So many kisses not felt.

Who am I kidding? I am pathetic and lovesick.

An epiphany that had occurred years too late. I had become jaded and detached. She was right; you don't find your soul mate when you're only ten years old.

I force myself out of bed and wash up. As I continue to pack for the big move I come across my favorite picture of Sam and me as kids. A moment frozen in time, genuine smiles that capture the essence of our childhood. I can't help but smile, but I continue putting the picture back in the box. No more silly dreams and hopes only harsh reality is left.

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TBC - please review!