Author's Note: Alright, I saw the movie Horrible Bosses and thought it was hilarious, as funny as the Hangover, maybe better. Everyone was great, and the character who stood out most to me was Colin Farrell's character. He was insane, hilarious, and a tool. And I thought that he deserved a bigger part of the story and that he was criminaly underused. I wanted to write a fanfiction, and for some reason the thought came to me - what if there was a girl in the boys' crew, and she accidentally fell in love with one of the bosses, how would it change things up?
So this is the fanfiction, the first chapter. I really, really want to continue this, so please review and let me know if you like it! The more reviews, the quicker the update! Thanks!
My name's Monika. I'm twenty-three, living in Los Angeles, California, with my best friends since high school; Kurt, Nick and Dale. And, I have a vicious little freak as a horrible boss. Bobby Pelitt, the new CEO of Pelitt & Son Chemical Company. Just my luck. And I'm not a accountant, manager, employee, or cubicle worker. I'm his personal assistant.
And because of Dale, Kurt and Nick, I was pulled into a murder plot to kill him.
I didn't expect to be, originally I was happily the personal assistant of his kindly and benevolent father, Jack Pelitt. Bobby's a cocaine-addicted, obnoxious, prostitute-loving douche-bag. Being his assistant, I had to spend my entire day with him. We have a love-hate relationship. Originally it was just a hate relationship, until my three idiot friends, Kurt, Dale and Nick, persuaded me drunkly one night at our local bar that we needed to kill our bosses.
And I ended up falling in love with Bobby.
Yes, I ended up falling in love with a spoiled, cocaine-addicted, matrial-arts obsessed, prostitute-loving, idiotic dipshit playboy.
I have no clue why, but underneath all my hatred for the vicious little freak everyone refers to as Bobby, I loved him. And, as you can guess, it changed things for Kurt, Dale, Nick and my plan to kill Bobby and the rest of our bosses, Julia Harris (sex-crazed dentist of Dale's), and slave-driving physco Dave Harkin (Nick's boss).
I knew the guys since high school, and we were attached at the hip. I was the only girl in the crew, but that didn't matter. I fit in with them. Whether we were at the bar venting to each other, playing the Wii at Kurt's apartment, or partying at night, we were really close. We hung out almost every night, and one night we just had enough of our bosses annoying us. Whether our boss was a slave-driving physco, sex-crazed maneater, or in my case, a sleazy womanizing cokehead tool, we knew we had to do something about them ruining our lives. When Jack Pelitt was the boss at Pelitt & Son, everything was bliss. Jack Pelitt was reasonably elderly, warm-hearted, calm, gentle, and just an overall awesome guy to work for. Kurt and I had no complaints.
Bobby was taller than me (which according to him, made it acceptable that he could talk down to me), martial-arts obsessed, and snorted cocaine almost every two minutes. Bobby was the exact opposite of his father; young, obnoxious, egotistical, and a playboy. I have to confess, I annoyed him just as much as he annoyed me. So I guess we are both guilty. And it was a quiet, normal day at work. Kurt works as an accountant for Pelitt & Son, and ironically, we work in the same office, which works out because I'm so close with him. As I was explaining, it started as a normal work day in California.
"Jack, I have your appointments for this afternoon," I said, beginning to walk in stride with Jack and Kurt as the two walked towards me, as I exited Jack's office. Kurt threw me a smile as a hello, and Jack said, "You're always on top of your game, Monika. Thank you." He gave me a kind smile, and I handed him the folder with his appointments.
Jack, Kurt and I walked near the bathroom, and we all stopped when Kurt saw Marge Emerson, a pregnant employee with a brown bob, standing outside the bathroom. I rolled my eyes, already knowing why she was standing there waiting and who she was waiting for.
"Marge, you alright?" Jack asked, jerking his thumb to the bathroom door. Marge smiled patiently, "Hi, Mr. Pelitt. Kurt, Monika. Oh, it's just I've been waiting here for a while now."
"Who's in there?" Jack asked.
Marge sighed, "Your son."
"Bobby!" Jack called, and a giant snort, rambling, a choke, and a cough with a subtle "Oh, my God." was heard from behind the bathroom door as his response. Bobby's voice was attractive, rough yet clear, and crude. He staggered out of the bathroom, his eyes dialated and a smug smirk on his face. He had a dark maroon shirt on and yellow tie dangling from his neck. He was rambling to himself "I get no privacy around here" as he made his way back to his desk, but Jack stopped him, "Bobby!"
"What?" He asked, annoyed, as he sniffed and ran a hand across his nose. "Are you alright? Lately you've been spending more time in the bathroom than at your desk." Jack said, shoving on his coat. Bobby gave him his signature "are you stupid?" look, and sniffed up.
"I didn't realize that I had to tell you everytime I took a dump." Bobby snapped, a smug expression on his face. He finished off with shooting a dirty look at me, and I returned it with a glare. Something me and Bobby always did, swap evil glares and eventually shit on each other. There was something about the two of us that made us clash. I hated his guts and he hated mine.
Bobby Pelitt, my boss's Dipshit Cokehead Son.
Blackish-brown hair, paranoid brown eyes, goatee, slim body, taller than me, and regrettably, handsome face.
"You need me to tell you when I go pee, too?" Bobby asked sarcastically, his swagger and cockiness in his speech. Kurt gave a annoyed, disapproving glance at me with an eyeroll towards Bobby. "All I'm saying is that you need to do your part, son. That's all." Jack pointed out, giving Bobby a gentle yet warning look.
Bobby scowled and muttered, "I do my part." His voice escalated, "I do other peoples' parts. But that doesn't really matter to you because you like to ride my ass 'cause I'm your son, right?" He pointed at Kurt and continued rambling to Jack, "I don't hear you giving dickskin any shit."
"Dickskin? Nice." Kurt remarked sarcastically.
"Or the skank." Bobby snapped, ignoring Kurt, pointing at me accusingly, and I looked at him like he was stupid. Bobby was always the first one to pick the fight, and it annoyed the shit out of me.
"C'mon. Kurt, Monika." Jack ignored his son's rudeness, choosing to walk away. "Kiss ass." Bobby retorted to Kurt as the two walked away.
"Fuck, Bobby." I said to him as Kurt and Jack walked away, "Would it kill you to not be an assholish prick to your father when he's just asking if you're alright? He cares about you. My God."
"Takes one to know one, Monika." Bobby replied, giving me an attitude-filled expression, "And yeah, it would. 'Cause you know how he is, always shitting on me and riding my ass to get back to work. You never take my fucking side. No one ever does. I work my fucking ass off at this shithole for nothing." He hissed.
"You were snorting cocaine in the bathroom, you idiot." I replied, quickly giving him annoyed glance, "That's not 'working your fucking ass off'. That's getting high in you're dad's company bathroom because you're lazy as shit."
Bobby flipped me off, "Fuck yourself, Monika."
"Go snort another line, Bobby. Even better yet, go hit yourself in the balls with your nunchucks." I retorted.
Kurt reappeared and grabbed my shoulder, "Alright, I'm gonna break this up before you get into another fistfight again. Or you try punch each other's lights out like last time." I glared at him and Kurt grabbed me, "C'mon, Monika."
"Yeah, go on. Get outta here." Bobby snapped, "Cause I'm a green belt, motherfucker."
I rolled my eyes, Kurt gently pushing me out the door and shooting Bobby a glare. I sighed and ran a hand through my straw-blond hair, the annoyance of that idiot giving me a pulsing headache. "Why the hell do you let him get in your head? You know he likes to be a prick to you, Monika. You guys are always fighting. Don't give him the satisfaction."
"I hate Bobby." I muttered in response, but shut up once we met up with Jack outside, ready to climb into his car. He opened the door and leaned on the top of the car door gently. He smiled caringly at Kurt and I.
"You two are happy here, right?" Jack asked, then looked at me with an understanding smile, "Obviously, besides you and Bobby's dysfunctional fighting. I don't think he really means everything he says to you, Monika." I laughed despite my current headache due to his idiotic son, but I nodded. "Obviously, Jack."
"Of course." Kurt gave a small smile. In my opinion, Kurt should've been Jack's son, not Bobby. Kurt and Jack had a father/son relationship, and I knew that Bobby loathed Kurt for it and resented his father for not treating him like his son. He was jealous. I confess that I felt bad for Bobby, because not matter how much he attempted to please Jack, Kurt always one-upped him. Not intentionally, but he did.
"Kurt, Monika." Jack said calmly while he sat down in the car, shut the door and put the keys in the ignition, "You've got a bright future here. Someday soon it will be one of you runnin' this place. See ya, kids." He flashed us a small smile, and began to drive away. Kurt and I began to go back into the office, when we heard a loud crash. We exchanged looks, turned around, and Kurt gasped.
I sat around the round, small bar table with Kurt and Dale, Nick getting our drinks. I was sulking, my eyes red-rimmed from earlier, my head clouded with confusion and exhaustion. I was on my third watermelon vodka. Dale sat on my right and Kurt on my left. Nick came with the drinks, setting the tray down in front of us.
Nick was the quiet, more levelheaded one in the group, responsible and ambitious. Dale was the crazy, idiotic, twitchy short one who made everyone smack him on the back of the head. Kurt was a lothario, a womanizer and a partier. I loved all three of them and they were like my brothers. I could tell them anything, and sometimes I wondered if we knew what each other was thinking. Even though sometimes we got on each others' nerves.
"They said his heart burst in his chest like a water balloon." Kurt sighed, staring at nothing in particular. He was so upset by Jack's sudden heart attack at the wheel, as was I. Dale took a sip of his drink and said, "I'm sorry, guys. Kurt, I knew you guys were close and had that father/son thing going on." Kurt nodded. "I loved that guy, he was awesome to work for. I actually looked forward to my job." Kurt confessed, running a hand down his face.
I twirled my stud piercing on my ear in impatience, and I added, "Now Bobby's gonna be in charge. I have to be his fucking personal assistant. I have to spend every second with him. Every. Single. Fucking. Second." I groaned, leaning back in my chair.
"The cokehead?" Dale asked, surprised. "Is that the guy who you fight with? You have to be his little servant?"
"Yes." I muttered, taking a swig of watermelon vodka. Kurt nodded, grabbing my glass of vodka, "Every time she's stressed about him, she drinks her shit vodka. And you guys have no idea how many times I've caught him blowing at work."
"That's why I keep a bottle at the office." I put my head on the table, stressed out. "And better yet, I don't have the money to pay my rent. Bobby's going to cut down my paycheck, and I'm going to freak out. I can barely afford my fucking apartment! He's out to get me, I swear."
"He really does hate you." Kurt said, "But what do you expect? It's Bobby. He's a dipshit."
"The whole thing's a bummer, guys. I'm sorry. You two are the only ones who seemed to like going to work." Nick said, taking a sip of beer. "Did I tell you guys that Harkin tricked me into taking a glass of Scotch at eight o'clock this morning?"
"I thought he was going to give you a promotion." Dale asked, his voice high-pitched in surprise. "Is that the douchebag who made you work so late you couldn't say goodbye to your grandmother?" I asked, running a hand through my hair.
"Yeah, the same guy. And yes, he is. But this is when he's being extra evil, because he knows after the promotion he can't torture me." Nick sighed, rolling up his sleeves. Dale turned rigid and huffed, "Well at least your bosses aren't sexually harassing you."
"Bobby spanked Monika twice. I think he was coked up. Does that count?"
"Kurt, shut the fuck up." I replied.
"Oh yeah, didn't he grope you at an office party or something?" Dale burst out laughing.
"Shut up." I smacked Dale upside the head. "Don't encourage him." I snapped at Kurt.
"I just don't see why you are so hysterical about it. You have a gorgeous dentist boss and yet you complain about her all the time. You aren't going to get any sympathy from us." Nick said, and Kurt laughed and nodded. Dale was getting serious, "She's getting crazy. It's a total hostel work enviorment there, you guys. It's not funny. Today she started spraying water on my crotch!"
"That's great! What's wrong with that?" Kurt looked at Dale like he was out of his mind. "She sounds like a whore." I muttered. "Thank you! At least Monika agrees with me!" Dale exclaimed, slapping an arm around my shoulder. Kurt and Nick rolled their eyes, "That's cause she's a chick. Women naturally hate other sleazy women." Kurt exclaimed.
"Why don't you just fuck her?" Kurt asked.
"Cause I'm engaged to Stacy and I love her!" Dale explained, as if Kurt was stupid. "I really like Stacy. She's so sweet." I reassured Dale, and he smiled at me. "Why don't you just get another dental hygenist job?" Nick inquired.
"He's a child molester, Nick!" I burst out laughing, and Kurt joined in. Our sides were practically splitting as Dale turned a hue of dark red, blushing. Nick choked out a laugh, too, "Sexual deviant? Sex offender? How do they classify it?"
"Registered sex offender, yes. And all because I took a piss in the middle of the night on a fucking playground. There were no kids anywhere. Trust me, it's not a good idea to have a bar next to a playground." Dale rambled, chugging his beer.
A girl walked by and Kurt's eyes lit up. "If you three would excuse me, I have to see that girl about her vagina. Bye." All three of us exchanged "that's so typical of Kurt" looks, and I took another chug of vodka, preparing for the long road ahead as the personal slave of Bobby Pelitt.
Kurt and I walked into Pelitt & Son, drained from Jack's funeral, which Bobby didn't attend. It was my first day as the slave to the insane cocaine king, and I wasn't ready for him nor did I have the patience for him. He was at least five years older than me yet he had more energy. Probably his coke. I was mentally prepping myself, but it didn't last long. I threw off my jacket onto Kurt's desk chair, wearing a casual dress that was slightly above my knee and was white at the top and grey at the bottom. My white flip-flops weren't really dressy, but I was exhausted and drained of emotions to even care about my stupid outfit.
"Yo, dickwad! Slavegirl!" A gruff, crude voice chimed in my ears. Kurt and I swirled around, Bobby giving me a disapproving look as he sat in a giant leather office chair in his office. "What the fuck? You're three hours late." He pointed to his wrist, which had no watch on it. Idiot. "What's the deal?"
"We were at your father's funeral." Kurt said, giving Bobby a disgusted look. Bobby looked down at his tie, "Uh-huh, mhm. Yeah, that excuse may have fallen if my dad was here, but I'm in charge now." Bobby glanced up at me and gave me a smug, cute little smirk.
"Just how much have you snorted this morning? That excuse wouldn't make any sense if your dad was still here," I pointed out, arching my eyebrow at him and throwing him a look, "And Bobby, I'm really not in the mood for you right now."
"Monika, that's exactly the disrespect I'm not tolerating from you. Things are gonna change around here, and I'm not gonna have my servant talk to me like that. There will be punishments." Bobby kept his cute little smirk, and I said, "Alright, your majesty. Whatever you say."
He flashed us a smug grin, scrunching himself back to his desk, "In my office, now."