Many (or rather, several) years ago, when I was a member of the Lexicon forum and still a fan of Twilight, I wrote the fic, "Ping Pong with Vampires!" Looking back on it, I found the work rather mediocre and barely passable, really, and I attempted to rewrite the fic with more detail and whatnot. I added a bit of my newer, anti-Twilight outlook, but I still feel that this is a bit better of a fic. This is only a portion of what was then the first chapter, and I think I will delete the old "Ping Pong With Vampires!" in a few days, although I will keep it as a personal file. :)

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, nor do I own the characters from the series that are mentioned/used in this story. All characters from the Twilight series are property of Stephenie Meyer/Little, Brown Books for Young Readers.

It had been a long day for the Cullens, especially Edward. While his "siblings" eagerly hunted their preferred prey, Edward, who had eaten earlier, had spent the night watching Bella sleep, only to be battered by her flailing limbs as she attempted to push him out of her bed. Although not hurt, his ego was greatly bruised, and he had difficult looking at her. His family, too, was wary; they were concerned with Edward's disturbing habit of sneaking into Bella's home and watching her sleep. No matter how little she cared, it was still a federal offense and they didn't want to leave the town so soon. However, all was well once the pair reconciled. Or at least, almost everything.

Edward and Alice, of course, had known what was coming; Edward's mind-reading abilities had earned him a look into Coach Clapp's mind, and he felt a perverse pleasure at the thought of demolishing humans in one of the only ways he still could. Alice, of course, had conveniently seen what lay in store with her powers, and the two were, quite frankly, able to keep a secret. The siblings had hardly been able to contain their excitement and hid their equipment in Alice's locker, knowing that Bella's clingy tendencies would interrupt their plan.

At long last, the group approached the last class of the day. Bella, apprehensive, made her way to change, hoping that for once she would not appear ridiculous for her ineptitude for sports—alas, however, this was not to be, for Coach Clapp, although sympathetic to her plight, did not feel enough to give her special treatment. She, Alice, and Rosalie met up with Edward, Jasper, and Emmet; because the school was so small, there was only one PE class per period, and so all the different grade levels mixed with one another, although it didn't make much of a difference, as the town was so small everyone already knew each other.

The gym was filled with equipment, indicating the activity of the week. While the Cullens eagerly contemplated the joys of the sport, the rest of the class wasn't so happy. They stretched glumly, whispering amongst themselves about how lame it was and how boring it would be.

When Coach Clapp entered the room, the students straightened lined up, watching the instructor as he clapped his hands. "Today will be fun and exciting, class; we are going to begin playing ping-pong."

"Oh, ping-pong, my favorite!" Emmet squealed happily, pleasantly surprised by this new information.

Jasper, however, wasn't so pleased. "Oh, darn it, we left our special ping-pong balls at home."

Emmet's face fell slightly as he grasped the severity of the situation. "Oh no! Where are they?"

At this point, Edward attempted to interrupt the conversation with crucial information; however, he was summarily ignored by his "brothers." Jasper explained, "They're right by the rackets."

"The ones with the sparkles?" Emmet asked. Jasper answered in the affirmative, and Emmet nodded thoughtfully, another question coming to mind. "Where are the rackets?"

"In the Prada bag," Jasper said. "And this time, it isn't mine."

The bag, it turned out, belonged to neither Alice nor Emmet, and the group turned to stare at Edward accusingly. He held his hands up defensively, readily admitting, "Fine, it's mine. But guys, you should know-"

Emmet cut him off, hurriedly saying, ""I'm going to run home real fast to get our equipment. Cover for me. I'll be right back!"

"It's in Alice's locker," Edward finished lamely, huffing in annoyance.

In an instant, Emmet was back, watching Edward shrewdly. "Why didn't you say so earlier? Go get them!"

"I tried to tell you earlier, but you wouldn't listen," he murmured, before speeding off to get the equipment. Meanwhile, Coach Clapp continued to instruct the class on how to play ping pong as the Cullens easily ignored him in favor of holding their own conversation.

"Emmet, you're such a... a..." Rosalie sighed unhappily.

"A hot tamale?" Alice asked. She had heard several girls referring to him as one, and despite not being entirely sure as to what they meant, it seemed to be an amusing description.

"A happy bunny?" Jasper suggested. After all, Emmet had an outstanding ability to remain positive and bring levity to any situation.

"A teddy bear?" Bella added, thinking of Emmet's propensity for large, overwhelming bear hugs.

"A gay wad?" Edward piped up, having successfully returned from his venture to the lockers.

Rosalie sighed. "No. I was thinking more along the lines of a Miss J."

"Oh, I know! and he watches ANTM all the time," Alice shrieked, easily forgetting her own obsession with America's Next Top Model.

"Um, guys," Emmet cut in, unhappy with the new turn of conversation, "These aren't the right ping pong balls. They're not pink. Or sparkly, for that matter."

"Well why don't you go and find them, Emmet?" Rosalie demanded. Emmet quickly agreed, running off to find the sparkly pink ping pong balls.

"I want you all to get into two groups!" Coach Clapp yelled, just as Bella softly voiced her confusion to Edward.

"Don't worry about it, Bella. Just get into a group," Edward whispered silkily in a patronizing tone.

Jasper hummed off-tune, deep in thought, before voicing the unacknowledged opinion of his entire family. "Let's play vampires against humans!"

"Hey!" Bella protested, incensed at being kept out of the group. She may be human, but of course Edward had promised that he would turn her, so wasn't she good enough for the team?"

"And Bella, of course, we can't forget her," Rosalie grumbled sarcastically, losing her enthusiasm at having such an uncoordinated human on her team.

"Have the teams been decided yet?" Coach Clapp interjected. "Hey, where's that's over giddy one?"

"He's in the bathroom," Rosalie explained.

"Oh, yes," Alice agreed a bit too enthusiastically. "He's popping a squat."

"He'll be back in thirty-seven seconds," Jasper added casually. "And we decided to have us Cullens... and Bella, against the rest of the class."

"Sounds fair enough. Well, he can just join in when he gets here," Coach blew his whistle. "Let's start!"

I hope to finish this rewrite before I start school around mid-August. :) Thanks for reading!