Guilt, I was feeling guilty tonight. Next to me, Meryl slept sound, but I could not sleep. It was not the first time. I haven't been able to sleep for two days. Meryl does not know. I pretend to sleep when she wakes. I remain in bed from a half hour to an hour just thinking and playing opossum. When I exit her room, I but on my infamous fake smile and kiss her good morning. I don't want her to worry. I don't want her to know how unhappy I've been. It's recent, because before that I was happy.
For the last week, I have been unbelievably happy. I had a home for the first time since before the Great Fall. There was no more traveling. I had a wonderful, kind woman by my side, and friends who cared about me. I didn't have to pretend to be a pervert to frighten a girl away so she would get close. For once in my life, since I was a little boy, I had peace. There was nothing to be ashamed of. There was nothing to feel guilty for. But I do feel guilty, because I am happy and my brother, my only brother, Knives was still trapped in an old broken down space ship. I felt like he should be with me. Better yet, I should be there with him.
The woman I love interrupts my thoughts. In her sleep, Meryl places her arm over my torso and my stomach tightens. She makes me feel special and worth. However, I am not. I made a promise a long time ago. I promised Rem, my surrogate mother, that I would take care of Knives. Instead I abandon him to have a life of my own, a life I was denied for so many years. Now, I feel I do not deserve this life.