Okay. So I decided to start bringing this thing over from TFF. Why? Because if I can run Naruto and his Uzumaki Heritage on a half-assed premise then I can damn well do the same here.
This was inspired by The Reprint and Repackaging of Evangelion by Anonguy and The Key to a Successful Interview by The Ero-Sennin. I'm not sure if that's what they're called on . I guess I'll check on it later or someone can correct me. And also by the abridged series movement. I'm unaware if this has been done with Naruto yet, but this is my take.
Basically, it's kind of like making fun of the series and kind of like making the series make sense... thereby making it make fun of itself.
What you can expect:
Ganre: Crackfic, Humor mostly.
Naruto: Lead role. Kind of perverted. Kind of a primary straight man (tsukkomi). Of course this makes him smarter than cannon. Not that that's saying much.
Sasuke: An okay guy. Maybe a flat or background character.
Sakura: Kind of perverted, too.
Piarings: Used to have ideas. Threw most of them out. Might put a poll up for it later. Should probably split the poll I have up now into seperate ones for my stories.
Bashing: To a generally tongue-in-cheek kind of degree.
Swearing: A fair amount.
Chapter Length: The Length of a scene. Since this is all abridged, that means it's usually pretty short. Like, 500 words sometimes. Sometimes it's like this one. 2000. But that's going to be rare.
Update Period: 1-2 days until I work through all the TFF stuff. Then, totally at my discretion.
Let's Jump Straight to The Bell Test
"So come at me with the intent to kill."
Naruto stared at the suicidal sensei oddly, and raised a hand. "But what if we, like, kill you?"
This amused the great Kakashi. "You probably don't need to worry about that."
"Well can I get it in writing?" Naruto asked. "I mean, if I do get a shot in and you wind up dead, I don't want to end up in the joint or anything." He shivered. "I'm so damn sexy – I wouldn't last a day."
Kakashi palmed his face and sighed. "You know what? Begin. Just… begin, okay?"
Sasuke and Sakura disappeared into hiding with a burst of speed that seemed to surpass human sight.
It was a speed which had never been displayed before, would rarely ever be displayed again, and was apparently only viable today to be used in order to dodge laterally into a shrub.
As for Naruto… Naruto remained standing and still seemed consternated.
Kakashi was ready to just give up on this mentally fucking challenged dipshit. "Aren't you going to hide?"
Naruto shook his head slowly. "I can't get over it." He said. "I mean, what kind of military organization tells it's fresh recruits that it's okay to kill their commanding officers? Are you trying to breed insubordination in the ranks? Are you telling me that when I become an active ninja I can totally try to kill anyone that bosses me around because I probably won't pull it off? That's like the dumbest shit I've ever heard in my life."
"I…" Kakashi began to say, before actually thinking about it. "…Shut up. Just… get the bells okay?"
Naruto shrugged. He had his fancy kage-bunshin thing which took out Mizuki-sensei, but he knew he couldn't summon that many clones again without a bitching mad-on so he thought he would be sneaky.
Of course he could try and sneak up on him. However, Naruto had his own way of being sneaky. And he was really good at it, too.
He broke into the Hokage Tower, motherfucker!
And he knew that you can't really run into hiding while a guy's looking right at you and expect good results. Especially if he's some kind of badass.
No matter how big your shrub was.
So Naruto assessed.
Considering this guy… he noticed that he had this whole Cyclops thing going on…
…Sasuke, if he was half the super-ninja he told himself he was, would try and take advantage of that…
In other words, a distraction would definitely come from that side.
So… Naruto waited. He scratched his cheek. After a while, Kakashi started to read his book and Naruto offered to play some UNO because UNO is bitching.
Then Sasuke, fed up with this boring crap almost as much as the reader must be at this point, launched out of the shrubbery to the Jounin's left, right in his blind eye's… blindside.
Of course, Kakashi had to turn to face the actual threat – and Naruto took the opportunity to slowly creep into hiding.
There he conveniently bumped noses with Sakura. "Hey Sakura-chan," Naruto greeted, "you wanna' team up and have a sweet two-person team life, and maybe go on adventures and date and get married and stuff?"
"No." The pinkette (naturally collered or dyed or whatever) deadpanned. "And no, and no, and hell to the fucking no. Those two bells are mine and Sasuke-kun's!"
Naruto wondered again why he was so attracted to the flat-chested girl that would rather kick him in the nuts than tell him hello. And then he remembered: oh yeah, she died her hair an absurd color (he thought) like a punk – and hey, she was feistier than a cat at the edge of a waterfall.
Wait, wait, wait. He was doing it again. He was getting distracted by a cute, wide forehead and a perky attitude.
If Naruto knew one thing, it was that chicks digged guys in uniforms. The popular references told him so and those were almost always right.
And in this villiage, uniforms basically meant headbands.
That's what this thing on his head was for. It wasn't to protect his forehead, which realistically speaking was the part of the head most resilient to damage. It was to frickin' get the babes!
So he had to succeed.
So resolved, Naruto began to undress.
"Wh-What are you doing?" Sakura almost screeched. Need to stay hidden from her Jounin-sensei capped her normal screech to just barely respectable secret-talk level.
Noting his company, Naruto switched to strip-tease mode.
Sakura covered her eyes in shock, but totally peeked through the gaps in her fingers stealthily – like a ninja.
Naruto had muscles?
Of course he did. He was a known hard worker and he hated textbooks. What else was he going to do than push-ups and junk?
Seeing that he'd caught her interest, Naruto independently flexed his chest muscles. Eight years of ninja training in ninja school had given a lot of kids the beginnings of defined musclecature, but could they do this?
…And there goes another wasted three days on what, apparently, was a rather useless skill – Naruto thought.
"I'm just changing clothes." Naruto explained, finishing his (admittingly short) strip-tease of his jacket and pants to reveal… a black t-shirt and black pants.
"You had pants on underneath?" Sakura hissed, affronted by the false advertisement.
Please get used to it, Sakura. False advertisement is everywhere these days.
"Why did you do that?" She asked.
"Are you serious?" Naruto asked. "I can't sneak up on a Jounin in my normal clothes. I have to use my stealthy clothes."
Please understand. His stealthy clothes were just black clothes.
"I… Wha…" Sakura spluttered.
"Silly Sakura, don't you know that orange isn't a good color for sneaking up on people?" Naruto asked. "Honestly. I love your naiveté but get your head in the game, okay?"
"You… you can sneak around?" Sakura asked. "You're so loud!"
"Sakura-chan." Naruto deadpanned. "Let me tell you. I'm so stealthy that you don't even know I'm stealthy. Random old people want to beat me up for reasons I only found out about 24 hours ago. And I get chased by ANBU or whatever like, every day. So I tell you now only because I want you to be impressed and let me into your pants at the fastest possible speed, but actually sneaking around is kind of my thing. I learned it on the streets running and hiding from all sorts of shit. Not being sneaky is like my secret identity. My super identity is I can sneak the fuck around. I'm like freaking Batman… if Batman was a freaking ninja… which he is."
And Naruto was, too.
Leaving a stunned Sakura in his wake, he proceeded to prove his point.
Among other ninja things: he plot his path so he didn't step on dry leaves or twigs, he stepped lightly, he moved quickly, and he was using Sasuke as a distraction as he moved from cover to cover like the sneaky little bastard he was.
Kakashi continuously schooled Sasuke – no surprise there. However, the cycloptic jounin had to admit he was kind of bored – actually. So he kept letting the kid get back up and try to kill him for a chance at a small piece of copper.
Meh. It was something to do.
Sasuke was understandably pissed that he was being tossed around like a rag doll and played like a marginally more manly action figure. Therefore, he went into that infamous combo thing where he barely touches a bell and Kakashi tosses him away.
Just as Kakashi was recovering from the close call, Naruto took his opportunity to strike.
He dashed low to the ground, stepping in Kakashi's shadow with light steps and bumped the Jounin in passing.
And then he was taken down into an arm-lock.
"Ow. Shit." Naruto swore.
"You snuck up on me." Kakashi said. His was a tone not of admonishment, nor of shock, but of a kind of bewildered confusion. "You snuck up… on… me?"
He couldn't even figure out if he was supposed to be surprised or offended.
"Streetpunk style:" Naruto explained through his wince at the arm-lock, "Sneak up and pickpocket them-no jutsu!"
Kakashi blinked. He had taken the punk down as a matter of principle, but now he noticed that the little brat actually had his fingers around a bell! "Streetpunk style?"
"Man, if my arms were like, a little shorter, I would have snapped the bell off when you took me down."
Kakashi noted that in this pose, yes, Naruto's arm at full extension just about retained contact with one bell and if his arm had been shorter when Kakashi yanked him down Kakashi would have de-belled himself.
Phew. Dodged a bullet there. That would have been embarrassing.
"Don't be silly." Kakashi argued. "If your arms were shorter then I would have used a different hold. Every move I make is a carefully calculated step in a dance of deception and purpose."
Naruto, face pressed half into the ground, expressed doubt with the other half of his face. "But I got a bell."
"You touched a bell. Like Sasuke."
"But it's in my hands! That means it's mine, so that means I got it! So I pass!"
"And it's attached to my belt." Kakashi argued back. "So it's technically ours and not yours, so it doesn't count."
A look of sudden joy crossed the gennin-to-be's face and Naruto abruptly stuck his tongue out. "Not any more."
"Streetpunk style: Annoy them and cut their purse while they're distracted-no jutsu… success!"
Kakashi blinked, looking at his waist. Surely, Naruto's hand was still suspended there, but he had managed to cut the bell string. "How did you…?"
"And Iruka-sensei said biting my fingernails until they were like serrated edges would be a bad habit." Naruto scoffed. "I showed him."
"…Damn." Kakashi sighed. Kid had gotten a bell.
That was just depressing.
And it threw off his whole moral challenge thing.
Sasuke took this moment to launch an (enraged) assault. Surely if Naruto could get a bell-!
Naruto felt pretty jilted, since he got a bell after all and then this lazy porn-reading sunnovabitch tells them all that the bells don't really matter and that they needed teamwork to try and get the bells.
Except Naruto didn't need no fucking teamwork to get a bell because he was like freaking Batman if Batman was a ninja… which he was.
But then authority figures steamrolling him was pretty much the story of his life. At this point, he was surprised that he even got a bento out of it.
Wait, was he going to get a bill for this later? He eyed the box suspiciously.
Sakura was tied to a log because, well… she did nothing. And Kakashi sure didn't bring that rope all the way here for nothing.
Her stomach growled.
Naruto looked at her. He looked at his bento. "Want some?" He offered with his chopsticks.
"No!" Sakura denied, not wanting to be fed by the boy she disliked.
"Sakura," Sasuke interjected. "I don't sense Kakashi around but he could be back any second. If the objective of this test is truly teamwork, then you particularly need to be in top shape to try and keep up."
Like a scolded puppy, Sakura gave a cute kind of pout and acquiesced. "Okay. Can you feed me?"
"Not even with a ten-foot pole." Sasuke replied instantly.
Sakura whimpered sadly, and turned reluctantly back to Naruto. "…Naruto?"
Naruto considered his crush for a few seconds, before his eyes widened in realization. Quickly, he fed himself a piece of rice, and then offered another to Sakura.
"Ewww! You just put that in your mouth! That's an indirect kiss!"
"Hell yeah!" Naruto chirped, offering the food.
"Hell-the-fucking-no!" Sakura shot back.
"How about dinner and a show?" Naruto offered. "Want me to strip again?"
"Yeah right, that was a total scam – I mean!" She caught herself, looking at Sasuke in panic. "It's not like it sounds like!" She insisted to her crush.
"It's totally like it sounds like." Naruto confided conspireatingly to Sasuke.
Sakura glared. "It's not! I – I was forced to watch!"
Naruto leaned in again. "It was totally voluntary – when have I ever managed to force Sakura-chan into anything? Think about it."
"Naruto you bastard!"
"I. Don't. Care." Sasuke grit out. "Can we please focus on the god-damned test, you deranged pair of–"
When Kakashi arrived, it was to a scene not unlike the aftermath of a food-fight. Sasuke and Naruto were panting from an apparent scuffle and Sakura was crying a river of silent tears and mouthing 'indirect first-kiss'.
Kakashi's shout of 'congratulations!' died on his lips, transmuting into another one of what he was sure would be a long series of sighs.
Fuck. He was going to pass them, wasn't he?
A/N: Well, here it is. Let me tell you, I can make fun of the cannon universe at like, the drop of a hat. Give me a computer, a can of soda, and nothing better to do, and I'm there. That's it. Oh, but making it quality humor? That's a different story. But the point is, I have like a +9 to initial rough draft bonus.
I mean, I've read so many – so many – Naruto fanfics by this point in time and so many – so many – of them follow the same events of the cannon storyline because – let's face it – early Naruto was when Naruto was at its best, storyboard wise. So it's really no surprise I find it so easy to make fun of. I could more or less recite early Naruto with my eyes closed. And after reading so man – so many – fanfics I have of course accumulated a lot of views on the aforementioned early Narutoverse. It's the same with a lot of people.
Sometimes I just wish… I don't know… I just wish the Narutoverse was just… more. More money into the animation budget for the early fights. More detail on chakra mechanics. More focus on a core cast. More continuity. God. More continuity. Not just continuity in the strict sense of not breaking the past. Continuity of thought. Continuity of development. Continuity in the theatric sense. Like... I can't really explain it. But all together more of… just… moreness. Lately I… I dunno. I've been really feeling it. Like, in my heart. Seriously.