In which Naruto and the Kyuubi find further common ground.
Kyuubi Intermission 3
"Foolish child. No gifts today?" Kyuubi asked, not even deigning to look at her visitor as she lounged upon her new, extra fluffy couch in a simple kimono. "You are slacking off."
The fallout from the war had been fairly benign. The two warring sides were, after all, experienced pranksters. It would be an ultimate shame for one such as they if they were ever accused of being able to give it, but not take it. If there were such a thing as maturity around the rules of prank war… there it existed. The two would even begrudingly admit that the other 'wasn't half bad'.
One of these rules was that Naruto, being the one to have gotten the last and nastiest blows in, had to work off the presumed difference in the war tallies.
"I'm not made out of free time you know. I had enough trouble replacing all the crap in here after the prank war. I can't go examining every new little thing so that it appears here in my mindscape. I'm still working on getting moss in here."
"You are both lazy and uncultured. I have decided what I wish for next."
"Again? Give me a –"
"You should read more of these 'Spot' books. I find his suffering most amusing."
"Wha – Spot? Seriously? That thing's for kids. I haven't read it in years."
"Fool. That you think so only proves you lack the higher sensibilities to appreciate it. Pearls before swine. It has been years but your mind remembers it vividly enough for me to read, does it not? That is due to its poignancy. I cannot even reach the end, so filled with need am I to ponder each deceptively simple page at length. Surely a kitsune must have transformed and written this book in a misguided attempt to educate your race."
"… You realize it eventually has a happy ending for the dog, right?"
"What? Impossible! Let me see! O Gods! It is true! What is this disjointed, dues ex machina like development! I smell the foul stench of corporate marketing manglement in this publication! Burn this last page forever from your mind!"
Naruto sighed. "Anyways, I came here with an actual reason you know. I've gotten tired of being shot down by Sakura for my pickup lines, so I figured I'd practice on you. And get shot down here."
"You are so eager to mate?"
"In a word? Hell-fucking-yes."
"That was not –"
"I know. I tried to break it down to one, but that doesn't really capture my feelings totally."
"And you have difficulties? Even I will admit that, as mortals go, you hold the skill and intelligence of a decent prankster."
"Yeah, I know right? Somehow girls just don't appreciate it."
"You're telling me."
"Well disregarding your strange human ways," Kyuubi huffed, "I will provide you no such aid. Your trinkets and your fake moss and your twisted literature have bought not even a second of my time. They are owed to me by our truce."
Naruto shrugged. "Luckily I don't need you to care. I'll just read them off and watch your reaction."
"Attempt your pointless endeavour. It will be futile. I tell you this now." She sat straight on her couch, straight-backed and facing away from him.
Naruto ignored her. "Hey baby you're so fine you make me stutter, wha-wha-what's your name?"
Kyuubi huffed, but said nothing. Two of her tails twitched a little bit.
Naruto rated that a two. On the good or bad scale, he hadn't a clue. But it was two of something, of that he was sure.
"You must be this beautiful *Naruto makes a hand gesture for small height* to ride the me."
Kyuubi scoffed. One tail twitched.
Naruto wrote down a 1. Probably a bad 1.
"My name is Justin. Justincredible."
Naruto 'ahem'ed. "Hey baby, are your legs tired?"
"Oh spare me." Kyuubi drawled languidly. She was bored out of her mind after what seemed like hours of offensive, immature, and just plain terrible attempts at flirtation. At this point she was rolled over with her feet kicked up into the air and her head hanging down to stare dispassionately at her human company from an upside-down viewpoint.
Just to try and brake the stale monotony. "How do your kind ever procreate if your solicitations cause your women's ears to bleed?" The only redeeming quality of these one-liners was that they were morbidly interesting. That, and it was entertaining in a way to see the kit so determined to mate that he would single-mindedly suffer through this madness.
Naruto cleared his throat. "Hey baby, are your legs tired?"
Kyuubi gave a suffering sigh. If this was any less interesting then it would actually be more exciting to be all alone in this cage with nothing to do but scratch her fake moss. "No. I am a thought. I think I am not tired and therefore I am not."
"Because you've been running through my dreams all night."
"Nonesense. Your dreams are beyond the door that separates my cage from your mind at large. It was closed all night."
Naruto sighed. "I'll put that as a N/A. Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them."
"What in the world is a Windex? And one does not wear pants under a kimono. I recall that much of human clothing."
"Okay. That's another N/A. Oh. You'll probably understand this one. Pardon me, are you in heat?"
"How brazen!" Kyuubi gasped, snapping up to a defensive crouch. "Have you no shame?"
"Right. That's a 'no' then."
"If you have to ask then you're not fit to partner with anyone!"
"What? So… is that a 'yes'?"
"I'll put it down as a 'maybe'."
"I am conducting a field test of how many woman have pierced nipples."
"I have literally heard more original material from a doppelganger demon. So you have accomplished quite a feat, in the most distressingly disappointing of ways. Where exactly are you getting your material?"
"I got them from this book. It's probably in your funky bookshelf if you look for it."
"This seems like a good time to test weather burning it here will erase it from your memory."
"Give me a break, okay? I need it. It was like, the last pickup line book in all of Konoha. The rest were sold out."
"That is morbidly pathetic."
"It's a niche market, okay? I just haven't had any luck with my own original lines so that's why I'm resorting to this. This isn't any fun for me, either, you know."
"I understand that. If you found enjoyment in this misguided quest I think I would have to throw you over a cliff."
Naruto rolled his eyes. "Okay. Try this one: You know how they say skin is the largest organ? …Not in my case."
Kyuubi froze. Then, she snickered.
"Hey, you liked that?"
"N-No. I *snicker* That's just *snicker* ridiculous. It's just such a male thing to –"
"Alright!" Naruto exclaimed. "I've got my ticket to success! Hang on Sakura-chan, here I come!"
Kyuubi raised an eyebrow at the quickly emptied room. "I was not using 'male' as a compliment in that case, you know."
"Astounding. You were chastised so soundly that it has not only knocked you unconscious and returned you here. It has actually impacted your mental image of your own self."
Naruto, sporting a large bump on his mental image head, sighed and shrugged. "I would have to say it was more demeaning than painful."
"That would explain it."
"This is shit. Why's it so freaking hard to get a girl? I'm blonde and fun! Hell, I even have a job and my own apartment!"
"Fool. No amount of prose or material goods can modify a 0 to be more than itself. I see now why your pranking ability has failed to catch you a mate! Your basic assumptions of courtship are wrong. The very idea of these 'pickup lines' is beyond repulsive. What in the world are they teaching you in your human learnings?"
"What, like, at school? Hell, I don't know. This one class they brought in a diagram and explained the mechanics. They were X-ray or bisected pictures… or something. Actually… it was kind of a turn-off."
"How typical. Your mentors will expend hundreds of hours on nations and kin that are long since dead, but not more than 1 on the creation of new life. That is just so very human."
Naruto, for the very very first time in his life – and fate willing, the last – felt a need to defend his history classes. "I suppose you know better, then?" He challenged.
"Of course I do! I am the great Kyuubi. I am ancient. I have dined at the side of a greater Kami and played tailsie with her husband literally under her nose."
"…What's 'tailsy'?" Naruto had to ask.
"It is like footsie, of course, but with tails."
Kyuubi demonstrated a lewd motion with one foot.
"That," Naruto swallowed. Hard. "That looks both demeaning, and inexplicably hot at the same time."
"Of course it is. That's rather the point. I knew the man for two hours, and on the third he was in my bedmoss. I have seduced men by the score and hunted devout abstainers for nothing but sport. Sit there and thank your lucky stars, mortal. I shall right your misguided worldview."
"Right. Is that experience in human form or in giant killer fox form?"
"Foolish kit, it is all the same dance. Only the steps change - and only ever so slightly. Now, before we discuss anything else, you must begin by preening your coat and clearing it of bugs and other unsavory matter."
"I have a bad feeling about this."
A/N: Common ground. That's the ticket.