alright, this started as just a roleplay between myself and the lovely vector (who can be found on tumblr as revolutionator or deviantart as redactical). but I couldn't help myself and started writing bits of fic for in between their conversations...

Warnings: language, as can be expected. I am an awful John to her stellar Dave.

Disclaimer: hussie ain't got nothin on us.

The Figurehead of Queer Justice
Fake Boyfriends

– ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] -

EB: hey dave, how's it going?

EB: ugh dave, leave it to you to not respond when i finally get online!

TG: sorry bro was being a dick

TG: which is probably redunant considering he is a dick all the time

TG: he just amped up the dickitude for a couple minutes back there

EB: haha poor you.

EB: why, what's he doing?

TG: eh you know how it is

TG: literally have to go to the bathroom with my back to the wall lest he shove a plush dong puppet down my pants

TG: shits degrading

EB: i'm definitely not laughing at you right now.

TG: hey fuck you i managed to block it this time

EB: this time!

TG: it was pretty awesome

TG: or it would have been

EB: i'm sure it was.

TG: i mean you can only look so awesome when youre battling down a weapon made of downy puppet ass

EB: yeah good point.

EB: but it's you, so of course you looked cool doing it, right?

TG: you can rest safe in the knowledge

TG: that i looked as badass as it is possible to look

TG: while guarding your ass from a puppet-wielding maniac

EB: oh boy. i don't know how you live with those things!

EB: but anyways, besides all the puppet ass, how are you?

TG: eh im pretty good

TG: working on a new comic

TG: dont spill over in anticipation waiting the four minutes it takes me to crank out these things

EB: oh gosh was i that obvious?

EB: hehe

TG: just a little

TG: dont sweat it though youre not the only rabid fan clamouring at the teat of sbahj

TG: new fans every day man im thinking of selling shirts

EB: hey maybe that wouldn't be such a bad idea!

EB: nothing wrong with stealing money from your adoring fans, right?

TG: egbert you wound me

EB: hehe i know i am the worst.

TG: you saying you wouldnt want a shirt with steakmouthed wiseguys spewing artifacts all over the sleeves

EB: dave you know i'm your biggest fan, i will buy all of your shirts!

EB: well, maybe.

EB: i've got a pledge to not spend any of my money until i've raised enough!

TG: hey buy one and youll have sunk more money into sbahj than i have

TG: raised enough for what

EB: it's kind of a surprise, dave!

TG: surprises to me are synonymous with mannequin dong wedgies

TG: but i guess you dont have any smuppets so ill trust you

TG: for now

TG: wait you havent ever ordered anything off of bros website have you

EB: haha why would i ever do that?

EB: sorry but smuppets with big butts and phallic noses aren't really my thing!

TG: ok that is actually more of a relief than you can ever imagine

EB: i'm sure it is.

EB: not that i even have time for smuppets anyways with all this summer reading i have to do.

EB: that on top of my job, i don't really have time for anything.

EB: sorry i haven't been around lately, by the way.

TG: bro would argue with you fiercely

TG: about there always being time for smuppets or whatever

TG: but yeah ive been wondering about that

TG: you got a job huh

TG: harley clued me in that you were lookin for one

EB: yeah! it just sucks having no money i guess, so i applied at the bookstore close to my house, and they actually hired me!

EB: i was a little surprised, i didn't think my interview went very well.

TG: gotta say the idea of you peddling oprah winfreys latest book club recommendation comes way easier than it should

TG: i just started up working for the pizza place on the corner actually

EB: oh wow, you got a job too?

EB: that's pretty awesome!

EB: hehe now you'll have money to spend on apple juice and not-so-shitty swords!

TG: yeah exactly

TG: thats pretty much all i ever spend money on

EB: obviously.

TG: you think im being sarcastic but bro legit refuses to buy apple juice because i drink it all

EB: oh, rude.

TG: the harrowing life of an apple juice addict egbert it aint easy

EB: well at least bro isn't enabling you!

TG: hes been my rock through this difficult time

TG: kicking my ass whenever i go near the kitchen

TG: reading out news articles about how it gives you cancer

TG: dude you have no idea how good you have it living without any sibs

EB: there's still my dad.

EB: ever since i got the job he's been baking cupcakes nonstop to celebrate.

EB: if i see one more i think i might puke.

TG: you are such a weird kid

TG: anyone else in the entire world would be crying rainbow tears if their old man showered them in baked goods

EB: no, dave.

EB: those kids don't understand.

EB: baked goods

EB: all

EB: the

EB: time

EB: it's traumatic, i'm telling you!

TG: i guess if they were shaped like smuppets youd have a case

TG: as it stands i still think youre nuts but its cool

EB: oh gosh, i don't even want to imagine my dad even knowing what smuppets are, much less baking cakes shaped like them.

EB: but, just trust me.

EB: someday if you ever come visit you will understand what i mean when i say betty crocker is the most evil woman to ever exist.

TG: betty crocker is a godsend to the confectionery world bro i have no idea what youre talking about

TG: i have to say your old man doesnt seem like the smuppet type but who knows

TG: i mean have you even seen inside his room

EB: noooo dave don't even go there, please!

EB: that is like the one thing i never want to think about ever in my life.

TG: pff okay ill let up on you but only cause im in a good mood today

TG: works going pretty well but still having a day off is awesome

TG: especially after doing a week of solid shifts

EB: oh... hold on, something in my room is beeping...

TG: huh

TG: your phone or something right

EB: no dave it is a bomb.

EB: i'm going to die if i don't get out in five minutes!

EB: hehe okay no it was my phone.

EB: hm, dave you're pretty popular with the ladies, right?

TG: okay cause i was just about to jump out the window in my terror for your safety

TG: jk i was sat here drinking apple juice

TG: and youd be right

EB: glad to know you care.

EB: okay well would you mind giving me some advice?

TG: huh

TG: wait

TG: egbert

TG: hold the phone

TG: preferably not the one that is doubling up as a bomb that would be counterintuitive

EB: oops i guess i should put that one down!

EB: but wait why am i holding this figurative phone?

TG: youve got a girl queued up

TG: is this what this is about

EB: what?

EB: no!

EB: no, that isn't it at all.

EB: okay the thing is this girl likes me a lot for some reason, but i'm not really interested!

EB: and she keeps texting me

EB: and i don't want to hurt her feelings but it's starting to get a little annoying...

EB: and i figure you're so cool you've got to get like a million girls a day giving you love notes and shit, and you probably know how to let them down easy?

EB: unless that's not how coolkids roll, in which case i guess i shouldn't bother asking, hehe.

TG: shit john i didnt know you had it in you

TG: im wiping a single tear from my eye here

EB: wh..what?

TG: your first rejection speech im so proud

TG: ok well has she come out and said anything to you about liking you yet

TG: all up close and personal

TG: or does it look like shell do that soon

EB: um, well she hasn't said it yet.

EB: every time it seemed like she was going to, i sort of told her i had to go to work...

TG: ice cold bro

TG: okay youre gonna have to let her confess if you want to go anywhere towards letting her down man

TG: that being said it took me a while to work up to direct refusals

TG: maybe we can go with something easier

TG: shit did i ever tell you about that first girl who was macking on me a while back

TG: come to think of it i probably didnt considering how i let her down but uh

EB: oh... um, no you never did tell me about her.

TG: well she was making some pretty lewd verbal plays for my boypole

TG: and she just wasnt my type man yknow

TG: so uh im on the computer during this terrible attempt of hers to romance her way into my boxers

TG: talking to you actually

TG: and shes like

TG: oh you have internet friends wow

TG: and im like

TG: internet friends god damn it this is my boyfriend we met on okcupid how dare you trivialize our relationship

TG: problem solved

EB: wait, you used me as your fake boyfriend?

TG: sorry

EB: oh, no it's fine! it's kind of funny, actually.

TG: wait why am i apologizing

EB: good question!

TG: who wouldnt want to be my fake boyfriend

EB: that is a good point! hehe

EB: so are you saying that i should tell the girl who's interested in me that i have an internet boyfriend?

TG: its as good a way as any to get em off your back

TG: only downside is that after that it might be hard to get a girlfriend you actually want

TG: on account of everyone thinking youre gay and taken and all

EB: that didn't happen to you?

TG: i moved schools

TG: bonus of living with bro i guess

EB: oh, well that's helpful.

EB: i don't think my dad would go for it, but...

EB: i don't know, i might just do it anyways...

TG: you can always just say it was a phase or whatever

TG: half of suburban america is dumb enough to think you can switch in and out of sexualities like youre in a changing room so hey make the most of it

EB: well when you put it that way it seems like kind of a shitty thing to do!

TG: yeah it kind of is

TG: exactly why i dont do that anymore

EB: oh...

EB: what if i still did it and just stuck with it instead of calling it a phase?

EB: it's not like there are really any girls i'm interested in anyways

and there's only one year left of high school, so it won't matter after graduation.

TG: hey good point

TG: i guess there are worse fake boyfriends i could fake date until graduation

TG: in fake of all the fake boyfriends youd probably be my top choice

TG: *fact jegus christ

EB: goodness dave, catch me i'm swooning.

EB: no wonder all the girls like you.

TG: what can i say im just a natural born ladykiller

TG: except i guess i can extend my talents to cover maneating as well now

EB: hehe maneating that's a funny word.

EB: and do you mean fake maneating, or have you...

TG: what

TG: no

TG: no way

TG: why

TG: have you

EB: oh, no.

EB: i mean jeez i've only been able to get one girl interested in me in my entire life, why would any dudes find me attractive?

TG: hey now no pitywagoning

TG: that stuff up there about you being my top pick for fake boyfriends was 100% truth concentrate

TG: but uh

TG: ive had a guy or two

TG: express

TG: interest lets say

EB: that's not really surprising, though!

EB: with all the ladies there's bound to be some dudes thrown in there as well.

EB: and of course you turned them all down just like the ladies, by using your top pick fake boyfriend, right?

EB: hehe

TG: heh yeah tahts it exactly

TG: *thats

TG: fuck my typing

TG: yeah honestly none of the people confessing were my type anyway

TG: girls

TG: GIRLS just girls

TG: lots of blondes and idk i think that much blonde in a couple is a step too much

EB: oh, is that so?

EB: damnit, this girl won't stop texting me...

EB: doesn't she know it's almost 1 in the morning?

EB: anyways, what are there no brunettes in texas?

EB: haha what about the guys who "expressed interest"? were they blond too?

TG: fuck it is pretty late she must be really into you

TG: use all your charm in shutting her down bro i believe in you

TG: hey theres lots of brunettes

TG: just none that have hit on me

TG: yet

TG: well no actually one of the dudes had brown hair

TG: the other was a redhead

TG: but yeah neither were my type

TG: i mean

TG: neither would be my type if i were into guys as well

EB: oh...


TG: that oh seemed kinda emotionally charged there

EB: no, it's nothing!

EB: i'm just getting tired, i guess!

EB: that is definitely it

TG: yeah dealing with obsessed girls can do that to a guy

EB: i will text her telling her my boyfriend is telling me about his new job and i'll have to talk to her later...

TG: good strategy dude

TG: my job is pretty important

TG: way more important than texting some girl anyway

EB: alright text sent

EB: i am actually pretty tired, though.

EB: and i sorta do have to work tomorrow, eheh.

TG: heh same here

TG: shifts bro theyre rough

EB: yours are probably harder! delivering pizzas is a lot more work than stocking books!

TG: eh not so much half of the orders are just bro prank calling

EB: why is that not surprising!

TG: hes just

TG: this angelic figure

TG: that ive been blessed with

EB: you are the luckiest little brother ever, obviously.

TG: i wake up every morning in tears because im just so moved

TG: that i live with such a kind and cariBRO GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM


TG: get out

TG: ok

EB: hi mr. strider!

EB: hehehe

TG: sup egbert kid.

TG: i dunno what your dads curfew is but you should probably get to bed.

TG: fuck off bro

TG: okay hes out

EB: hahaha shouldn't he be saying the same to you?

EB: but i guess he does have a point...

TG: he just told me to get off the computer or hell do something drastic

TG: which is usually codeword for stuffing my bed full of smuppets and taking photos

EB: not like he wouldn't do that anyways.

TG: eugh dont remind me

EB: well i guess that means i should go...

TG: heh same here

TG: but we can talk tomorrow right

TG: tell me how things went on with your stalker

EB: she's not a stalker, jeez. just... really interested for some reason.

EB: whatever yeah we can talk tomorrow!

EB: i'll try to be online more often.

TG: hey same here man

TG: i get off the clock at 6 i think so ill try and get back for 630

EB: your time or mine?

TG: my time

TG: you gonna be back here for then

EB: uh

EB: i...think so.

EB: i need to do some reading tomorrow too so i might be a little later if that's okay!

EB: dave?

TG: sorry im running off my phone

TG: bro turned off the electricity like the douchepole he is

TG: and yeah i can wait up for you no problem

EB: oh that's harsh of him.

EB: but good!

EB: okay i will talk to you tomorrow then.

EB: goodnight, dave!

TG: hey night john

TG: see you tomorrow

– ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] –

John woke up the next morning with a splitting headache and in a mood that could rival black—or as close to that as he could get, being John Egbert. So Dave definitely wasn't into boys, had said so multiple times… John's eyes stung and he stopped that train in its tracks before the depressed thoughts could swerve and run off of the tracks and crash in a big fiery explosion in a ditch nearby.

Anna hadn't texted him again since last night, so at least the fake boyfriend thing was working.

Sighing, John popped a few ibuprofen before getting ready to go to work.

Five in the evening struck, and John clocked out with a big sigh of relief. Despite what he'd said to Dave last night, stocking books for nine hours wasn't exactly a walk in the park. There had been some particularly ungrateful customers today, and his headache never really did go away, despite the ibuprofen. John wondered if he would really have the concentration to complete the section of reading he'd planned on working on tonight. He kind of just wanted to log onto pesterchum and talk to Dave until the wee hours and hopefully successfully steer the conversation away from girls whenever necessary.

Leaving the store, the parking lot was relatively full, and there were some kids that John thought he recognized as classmates loitering around the front. He waved at them and smiled before turning and heading back behind the store. He didn't really register it at first, but he thought he heard them snigger and one of them say, "Holy shit," indignantly.

A minute passed and as John was walking through the alleyway behind the store, he suddenly felt himself being pushed roughly into the fence next to him. The same four boys who had been hanging around outside were now surrounding him, angry smirks and looks of disgust on their faces.

"Sup, Egbert," one of them said in a snotty tone of voice. "Where's your boyfriend today, huh?"

"T-Texas," he blurted out before he had time to think. They all looked at each other with shocked expressions before turning to him with simple anger burning in their eyes. John's face drained of color, fear gripping him with its icy fingers. "J-Just kidding!" he added quickly, a fake grin plastered on his face. "I'm not… I'm not a homosexual!"

"Nice try, faggot," one of them spat. "Anna showed me your cute little text." Another boy pushed him again, and John froze like a deer in headlights, too frightened to move.

"What, wanna suck my dick now, fuckin' perv?"

"Haha, gross."

"Well you know all fags are loose sluts."

John cringed and closed his eyes, trying to convince himself that this wasn't happening, but one of them said, "Oh look he's totally imagining sucking you off bro, that's sick," and suddenly a fist was slamming into his stomach. He fell to his knees with a wheeze and tried to curl in on himself, but wasn't able to when he was being pulled back up by his collar. "Shit, Egbert must really want my dick in his mouth, look how fast he got on his knees." This time they punched him in the face, and his head flew back and hit the fence behind him, causing his overbite to come down hard on his lower lip, drawing blood.

"So what, did your boyfriend move to Texas or are you just not good enough to get any in real life?"

"Dude, hold him down."

"He's not even fighting back, the faggot."

"Haha he probably wants our hands all over him anyway."

Another strike, this time knocking his glasses to the ground, and they were about to hit him again when someone yelled from the mouth of the alleyway.

"Hey you little shits, get the fuck out of here!"

The boys jumped, and when they realized they'd been seen they ran out of the alley as fast as they could, leaving John to slump against the fence, his knees buckling and his body sliding to the ground, breathing heavily. The man who had scared off the bullies ran over and knelt next to him. "Hey, kid." John didn't respond immediately, didn't really even register he was being talked to. The man snapped his fingers in front of John's face. "Kid, snap out of it."

John blinked and looked over as the man leaned over and grabbed John's glasses from where they'd fallen on the ground. He handed them to John, who took them slowly, his hand shaking. "Kid, you okay? Do you want me to call your parents? The police…?"

Something inside him had shut off, or he was in shock; whatever it was, John couldn't respond, wasn't even capable of it. The man stared at him for a couple moments longer before pulling out his cell phone. "I'm calling the police, okay? Everything's gonna be okay."

John didn't remember much else; just flashes and snippets of conversation and the incessant pounding in his head. He remembered the police talking to him, asking him to identify his attackers, bringing him to the station; he remembered his father walking in with worry lines etched into his face; he remembered his father talking to the police about what would be involved with pressing charges, filling out paperwork; he remembered getting into the car and finally breaking down, crying the whole way and not stopping even after they'd been parked in the driveway for fifteen minutes, Dad hugging him awkwardly over the armrest.

By the time John shut his bedroom door behind him, it was 10:30. He glanced at the computer and remembered that he was supposed to talk to Dave three and a half hours ago. Suppressing another sob, he stared at the screen for a full five minutes before finally loading pesterchum.

– turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -

TG: bro are you there

TG: jegus ok

TG: i guess ill just wait around like a douchebag with nothing better to do

TG: i guess maybe you forgot or something

TG: scool

TG: still not here huh

EB: no i'm here

EB: i'm sorry, i'm really sorry i'm so late

TG: and a thousand shitty fanfares blast off as one

TG: the paparazzi are goin wild

TG: its the elusive john egbert arriving fashionably late as usual

TG: except ordinarily i guess you arent THIS fashionably late

TG: i thought you werent coming bro

EB: i...

EB: well, i was sort of

EB: at the police station for the past couple hours...

TG: hey hold up a sec

TG: what were you doing there

TG: please tell me it wasnt some drastic attempt to reenact con air

TG: just for the record they dont usually ship their convicts places in airplanes these days

EB: i really wish that was it.

EB: really, really wish that was it.

TG: heh youre starting to worry me here

TG: what gives

EB: um, well

EB: gosh this is really hard for me to say.

EB: but you're my best friend, so...

EB: i sort of got attacked on my home from work today.

TG: wait

TG: what

EB: um

EB: that girl who'd been texting me?

EB: well i guess she showed one of the guys at my school about my "boyfriend"

and he and some of his friends cornered me behind the store...

EB: dave...?

TG: what

TG: holy fuck

TG: what did they do to you

TG: they didnt

TG: they didnt make you do anything did they

EB: no!

EB: they just

EB: well they punched me a couple times and called me faggot a lot...

EB: i think they broke my glasses

EB: my lip is split but it wasn't bad enough that i needed to go to the hospital or anything.

TG: fucking

TG: christ

TG: tell me where they live im gonna get bro to drive me down so i can kick their balls through their eye sockets

EB: i don't know where they live unfortunately, because that would be pretty cool of you.

EB: but, uh

EB: that reminds me

EB: that surprise I mentioned yesterday...

EB: well, i've been saving up to buy a ticket to fly out to see you before summer's over.

EB: but my dad wants to press charges against those guys, so what with court dates and stuff, I don't think I'll be able to...

TG: shit this is all my fault

TG: wow in terms of giving shitty dangerous advice i take the cake

TG: multiple cakes

EB: no, dave...

TG: all the cakes in your house and then some

TG: fuck

EB: that's too many cakes, okay?

EB: you didn't do anything wrong.

EB: how can this possibly be your fault?

TG: also that is kind of hilarious because i was saving up for the same thing

TG: well the inversion

TG: wouldnt do me much good to fly out and visit myself

TG: i told you to pull that homoromantic excuse bullshit

TG: shouldve just said you were macking on rose or something

TG: fuck i am such an asshole

EB: it's not bullshit, okay? it shouldn't even matter who i said was my fake whatever.

EB: all you did was give me advice

EB: it was my choice to go along with it

EB: how could we have known that something like this would happen?

TG: i guess we couldnt but still

TG: god damn it why is it any of her business who you want to make out with if it isnt her

TG: setting her bouncers on you i mean who does that

EB: crazy bitches, dave. that's who.

EB: i knew there was something about her that bugged me, i guess now i know what it is.

EB: but... were you really planning on flying up here?

EB: i mean, are you still?

TG: welp i think thats safely extinguished even the slightest chance you had of going out with her right

TG: she sounds like a bitch

TG: and well if youre marooned in washington due to putting some fuckrumpuses into juvy then i guess thats the plan

EB: yeah i'd rather be your fake boyfriend than her real one any day.

EB: and... awesome.

EB: wow, that actually really cheers me up.

EB: when do you think you'll be coming? so i can let my dad know...

TG: hey

TG: john

TG: you can legit be my fake boyfriend for the rest of my life

TG: ill engrave that shit on my tombstone

TG: here lies dave strider

TG: beloved brother and fake boyfriend

TG: and then therell be a framed picture of you next to mine and well be making fonz hands at each other

TG: give the random graveyard patrons something to grin about

TG: and ive nearly saved up enough so i guess i can make the bookings next week

EB: i like this plan.

EB: fake boyfriends for life.

EB: brofriends, hehe.

EB: and i guess i will let my boss know i need less hours for the next couple weeks!

EB: oh my gosh this is actually really exciting.

EB: will you watch con air with me?

TG: brofriends sounds like a legit relationship

TG: fuck that single married widowed bullshit

TG: ill just write brofriends under other and be set for life

TG: also seeing how i managed to get your ass kicked for you i think con air is what i deserve

EB: ow, dave can you stop making me smile like a derp? my lip didn't stop being split in the last couple minutes.

EB: hehehe

EB: and hey! you didn't get my ass kicked for me, okay?

EB: i refuse to let you take any blame for this!

TG: okay lets dial the mood back down to maudlin

TG: if only so we can stop your lip from splitting further

TG: cause that shit sounds painful

TG: and tough im gonna take all the blame

TG: the stock market is going crazy because suddenly all the blame is in my corner

EB: ugh dave why must you be so difficult?

EB: if anyone's to blame it's that girl for telling her homophobe friends.

TG: yeah but she wouldnt have had any justification if i hadnt told you to be a wiseguy and pretend to be gay

TG: not that thats a jsutification

TG: *justification fuck i cant even type today whats wrong with me

EB: um

TG: um

TG: um what

TG: you cant just leave me hanging with that um

EB: oh, sorry. hehe.

EB: anyways you just said it shouldn't matter anyways if i told her i was gay! that's no reason to get her big dude friends to beat me up!

EB: so really it's not your fault at all.

TG: am i still permitted to feel awful about it

EB: no! don't be silly.

TG: actually wait i dont need no freakin permit to beat myself up

TG: i promise ill tone it down though

EB: dave, even if you tone it down i'm still going to be feeling awful that you're feeling awful even though you didn't do anything wrong.

TG: you got hurt because of a dumb thing i suggested you do

TG: and they called you a bunch of horrible offensive bullcrap

EB: it wasn't dumb, okay?

EB: i thought it was a good idea so i went with it.

TG: im still

TG: sorry

TG: the thought of you getting hurt makes me so fucking angry

TG: i just

TG: look nevermind sorry im spamming your window with this teenage angst soliloquy

EB: no, what?

EB: what were you gonna say?

EB: i mean i understand, me getting angry makes me angry too!

EB: hehe, but i'll be fine.

EB: i'll have a black eye for a week and it'll probably be gone before you even get here!

EB: and then we can hang out in person and i will have nothing to worry about.

EB: oh, haha i meant me getting hurt makes me angry too!

EB: guess i'm a little tired...

TG: dude its fine youve had a tough day

TG: as days go id say it has to rank pretty impressively on the shit tier

TG: and i wasnt

TG: i mean

TG: i just wish i couldve been there

TG: thats all

TG: they wouldntve been able to do anything if id been there because idve kicked their asses

EB: well i guess let's just hope that if it ever does happen again it'll be when you're here.

EB: but i'm sure it'll be fine, i think homophobes like that are pretty rare around here!

EB: to be honest, you live in the south so i'm pretty surprised that no one ever tried to pick a fight with you when you used me as your fake boyfriend!

TG: washington sounds like a paradise for an upwardly mobile fake homosexual such as myself

TG: and yeah theyre pretty gayphobic round my parts

TG: but eh they know if they try anything with me ill kick their teeth in

TG: all that bro training was good for something

EB: hehe, i guess so.

EB: i kind of wish i were better at defending myself.

EB: though granted i never really needed to before today.

EB: maybe you should teach me a few things while you're here!

EB: then when you go back to texas i won't be completely helpless, hehe.

TG: heh that doesnt sound like a bad idea

TG: dave striders all intensive ass kicking courser

TG: guaranteed to force you twelve levels up in rampant badassery

EB: oh boy, a whole twelve levels?

EB: haha is there going to be any time for fun while you're here?

TG: hey me teaching you how to kick ass will be fun

TG: but yeah thats only gonna make up the appetizer for the sick amounts of leisure activity were gonna get up to

TG: you got any videogames that dont threaten the existence of humanity as we know it because let me tell you i am all about those

EB: dave who do you think you're talking to!

TG: haha true

EB: blackops, portal 2, left 4 dead, halo...

EB: whatever you want really!

EB: i can get more now too since all the money i'd saved up to visit you is pretty much up for grabs.

TG: excellent we can go trawling bargain stores for terribad classics

TG: i dont think anything comes close to the ironic perfection of mad snacks yo but i guess we could find some of those knockoff disney party games

TG: we can play halo too though

TG: ill try not to beat you too hard

EB: i'd like to see you try!

TG: there is no try involved egbert

TG: ill just be playing and then whoops did i win again

TG: sorry i just cant seem to stop being effortlessly better than you

EB: whatever, dave!

EB: you will see.

EB: i am the master at halo!

TG: bring it on dude

TG: hey i actually beat bro at halo the other day just so you know what youre up against

TG: it was worth the righteous smuppet pummeling he gave me afterwards

EB: fluke wins do not convince me, strider!

EB: that that is pretty impressive...

EB: *though that, oops!

EB: dave, what the hell i didn't hurt your feelings that bad, did i?

TG: nah its just bro suddenly came out of nowhere to shove a puppet in my face for 'misrepresenting' him

EB: pfft

TG: my dignity is in tatters

TG: getting beaten up with a puppet ass this is my life

TG: do me a favor john and if you ever do come and visit never leave my bedroom

TG: wait that sounded awful

TG: i mean dont get in bros way

EB: haha ooh mr. strider ooh why would i ever want to leave your room

EB: but don't worry even without your warning i would never want to get in your bro's way!

EB: he'll probably make fun of me enough for being such a derp as is.

TG: yeah come to think of it he might say some stupid shit but hes harmless

TG: well

TG: mostly

TG: i dont seriously think hells try anything on a guest but just in case we should probably keep away from the roof

EB: yeah that sounds like a good idea.

EB: i think strife with bro strider is something that should really only be saved for you.

EB: hehe, sorry.

TG: hey no worries i dont want you cutting in on our animesque sibling rivalry

TG: but yeah speaking of bedrooms and terrible innuendo

TG: when i come visit you where am i staying

TG: i can probably afford a motel if you guys cant put me up so

EB: oh of course you can stay here!

EB: don't be silly, you aren't going to a motel.

EB: you'll just sleep in my bed and i can sleep on the floor!

EB: i mean, if we even sleep. we have video games to play, after all!

TG: ugh what im not letting you sleep on the floor thats dumb

EB: what, why?

TG: id feel like a douche for taking your bed

TG: although you make an excellent point about how likely we actually are to do any sleeping at all

EB: exactly!

EB: and anyways it would be fine! i mean, you're the guest so it only makes sense for you to get the bed.

TG: psh fine if you say so

EB: i do say so!

EB: so there, hehe.

TG: its gonna be kinda crazy actually seeing you irl

TG: i mean i know there was the game but

TG: idk

EB: that's not really the same.

TG: the game was bullfuck crazy and so seeing you in realtime kind of blended into the bullfuck craziness

EB: haha, exactly.

TG: seeing you in the real world with all the boring domestic life stuff going on in the background

TG: thats gonna be weird

EB: no cool powers, no missions, just plain old us.

EB: though you still pretty much have superpowers even irl, hehe!

EB: i'm just a nerd who gets good grades and plays video games. you'll probably get bored of real life me!

TG: hey plain old you is just fine

TG: i started being friends with you despite all your dorky limitations remember

TG: you couldnt do none of that crazy windy firework buffoonery when we just started out so ive proven i can cope with plain old regular egdork

EB: haha not to mention it's been like four years since we won, and if you're still talking to me by now, i must be doing something right!

TG: definitely

TG: i mean it was a devestating blow to our friendship when i learned that you couldnt fly around like a dorky blue butterfly anymore but gradually i learnt to deal

EB: pfft it must have been hard for you.

TG: an arduous battle to be sure

TG: fuck im out of apple juice again

TG: my life is over

EB: oh, i wish i could buy you one.

EB: i'm guessing it's too late to go to a grocery store.

EB: oh, dave i'm falling asleep on my keyboard.

EB: i think i should go to sleep...

TG: just a little too late yeah

TG: kid you need to go to bed

TG: orders from your dickbag of a best friend who got you beat up okay this TG: shit is serious

EB: oh shut up, dave. it's not like i haven't been exhausted this whole time.

EB: i just

EB: really wanted to talk to you i guess.

TG: well

TG: i really wanted to talk to you too

TG: hence me staying on here for 3 1/2 hours and letting rose pull her bullshit psychology at me

EB: haha if i were more awake i'd want to know what she's saying

EB: i'll ask her tomorrow

TG: no

TG: uh

TG: heh

TG: it was dumb

EB: what you can't tell me no!

EB: i'll ask her if i want.

EB: unless you'd rather tell me, pfft.

TG: uh

TG: hahahaha

TG: youd laugh

TG: its really fucking dumb

EB: well her crazy psychological stuff is pretty funny!

EB: but dude i am really falling asleep

EB: tell me about it tomorrow, how about that.

EB: something tells me dad won't be letting me go to work, so i'll probably have some freetime.

TG: well i have some shifts but ill be back home same time as usual

TG: and yeah ill tell you tomorrow its actually hilarious and you will laugh everywhere

EB: good, i will probably need a laugh!

TG: something to look forward to right

EB: totally.

EB: alright, well

EB: thank you for cheering me up, dave.

EB: i'll talk to you tomorrow!

TG: no problem bro

TG: now go rest the fuck up ok

TG: see you tomorrow john try not to miss me too hard

EB: that'll be a challenge, but i'm sure i'll survive. hehe

EB: goodnight!

TG: night dude

– ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] –

Weep for yourself, my man
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep, little lion man
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Little Lion Man, Mumford & Sons