Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Doctor Who. I just love the show dearly.
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Date: Does it really matter to a time traveler?
I am the Doctor and this is my diary. I can't imagine I'll write very much. Maybe just basic information. I never thought I'd be writing one of these at all. I always thought she kept hers just to be cute and remind me how much more she knows than me. She loves doing that. Maddening woman.
I've always been good about our timelines; we really haven't met all that often. But today, I slipped and mentioned something I shouldn't. I got the blank stare I must have always given her. My chest tightened and I wondered if she felt like this every time she got that unknowing gaze from me. She's good at hiding pain. For the most part.
I can still see the absolute heartbreak in her eyes when I first met her and she realized I had no idea who she was. I wish I could tell her how sorry I am for that. Maybe someday I'll just randomly tell her I'm sorry and hope she'll understand why when the time comes for her. At least I can tell her how I am so sorry that my first kiss with her – her last with me – was such rubbish. When I take her to the Singing Towers, I will apologize for that and give her the last kiss she deserves.
Now, there's a spoiler. If I didn't know I was supposed to take her to the Singing Towers, would I? Probably. She has mentioned that she wanted to go. But would I have taken her sooner? As it is, I'm planning on putting it off as long as possible. I know what it could potentially mean.
Will I see her again after the Towers? We are time travelers. Timey-wimey travelers. Big blue box travelers. Running through explosions and weeping angels and the end of the universe travelers. If we've cheated death surely we could cheat time. I don't know how possible that will be, though. I never know with her. That's part of the excitement – not knowing. Both the excitement and the pain.
With the others I've traveled with, I always know. We meet, they wander off, shenanigans ensue, and I save them. I care for them more than I ought. They ask the most obvious questions. Although, I suppose, only obvious to me. They grow, they leave, and it hurts. Then I find someone else and it starts all over again.
But with her, it's different. She's saved me as much as I've saved her. She says what I need to hear. She gave her life for mine. She offered to do so in the Byzantium, too. I get the feeling she'd offer her life any time she thought mine was in danger. Granted, it's partially for herself. If I died in the Library, she wouldn't have been born. Well, at very least she wouldn't be the person she is now.
Maybe that would've been better. Little Melody Pond living a quiet life in Leadworth. Safe with Rory and Amy. Never knowing what the inside of Stormcage is like. Never knowing how it feels to kill. Plus, she wouldn't have that pesky time head thing.
But then, if I hadn't been there, would Amy and Rory have even gotten married? Amy made Rory pretend he was me when they were young. If they didn't have that time together, would they have fallen in love?
People change around me. Because of me. I see it all the time. I really don't mean to. At least, I don't think I do. I'd like to think that any changes are for the better, but sometimes I think they may not be.
For the record, that woman has changed me too! Sure, some are little things like snapping my fingers to open the TARDIS doors. I wonder; would I be falling in love with her if she hadn't told me my name? How different am I because of things she's said? Can I trust what she's saying, or is she just saying it to change who I am?
But she trusts me so completely and implicitly! This is a woman who has jumped out of space ships and off buildings without a second thought, absolutely positive I will catch her! I have a feeling she will do it again, too. As long as I have the TARDIS, I will always be there.
There's something – the TARDIS! Who does she think she is anyway, what with the blue boring-ers and the silly it's-not-supposed-to-make-that-noise thing. Thinking she knows better than me how to fly the TARDIS. MY TARDIS! It's insane!
And the hats! What is it with that woman and hats? Why can't a man wear a hat if he likes? But she has to go and get all snarky about it! I happened to like my fez very much and that woman disintegrated it!
Come to that, I don't particularly fancy her gun! But I don't go around destroying it! I mean, sure, she is quite good with them, and she does look ever so sexy when she's shooting, and yes, I probably like that a little more than I ought, but still! Guns!
Maddening woman. Even so, I somehow can't stand the thought of being without her.
I carried on longer than I thought. Too long, maybe. Once I started, it was hard to stop. Writing is much slower than thinking. You really have to examine your thoughts, don't you? I'm not sure that's a good thing. At least not for me. I have to keep things compartmentalized; otherwise it would be more than anyone could take. Even a Time Lord. There is just so much. Sometimes I think I know nearly everything, and other times it feels like I am ignorant of the entire universe.
The one thing I know sure is that I love her. My River.
A tear stain has caused the ink to run in a blue stream down from River's name.