This is my first hitchhiker's fic so go easy on me. Now I have to admit in the whole series my favourite character is, without a doubt, Agrajag. He had me in stitches and I totally got his point, getting into a peaceful little existence and then "Arthur Zarking Dent" going along and killing him again. It must have been pretty annoying. And honestly I felt we didn't see enough of him, I would have quite happily bumped off all the other characters (except maybe Marvin) and had the whole book written about Agrajag instead. Though maybe that would have been slightly more... well, interesting to say the least. So I suddenly felt this urge to write a short one-shot on Agrajag. I didn't want to make it too long because then I think it would have run out of affect, that and I almost ran out of things to say. I hopefully can say this stands pretty well on its own and I hope you enjoy it.
The Last Zarking Straw
It's just not right.
The oh-so high and mighty Arthur Dent is quite utterly, unquestionably and uncontrollably sick.
He probably laughs all the time, chuckles at his sick little joke. When he saw me plummet from the sky and when I thought those words, those words that happen every single Zarking time; oh not again I realised, I actually realised it was all just one big sick joke. At my expense. I mean, he couldn't have just chucked the odd water balloon, dropped the Encyclopaedia Galactica on my head or slipped something nasty into my drink, oh no, the high and mighty Arthur Dent had to go one step above the rest. He had to kill me. Who does he think he is anyway? God? Evidently not, God would have given up on us ages ago, no, all I know is that Arthur Dent is sick.
What about me? He doesn't think about poor old Agrajag, does he? He doesn't even care. Is he immortal or something, is that the only thing he can think up with spending his time on, killing me? Because I can think up much better things to do when spending his immortality, he could even go around and try and insult every single being like that rude immortal who called on me the other day. Even that would better. And do you know what he said, that imortal? Do you know what he called me? Pathetic.
PATHETIC! I have dragged my soul back from the afterlife just about every single day of my Zarking life. You know, just as I'm about to settle down, just as I'm about to get used to my simple existence Arthur Dent comes along and ruins it all again. And again. And again. And again. And again. But no, he just feels like ruining it again, doesn't he? He just thinks it's absolutely hilarious to kill me again; he never gets tired of his sick little joke, does he?
I was a tree once, you know, a nice tree as well, a really tree-like tree. And I was enjoying myself, relaxing, swaying in the wind, growing; enjoying myself. Like that could last! Because Dent, Arthur Zarking Dent, moved into the house that I was sitting by. Every day after that I shivered in silence, waiting morbidly for my demise, sure it would come about again at his hand. Then one day Dent decided that it would be fun to invite some bulldozers, yellow bulldozers mind you, over to come and plow me over! Has he no soul? Has he no heart? What does he think he is doing? What have I done to him? What has poor old Agrajag done, eh? My only mistake is hefting my soul back into this world after every time, hoping, praying, wishing, selling bits of my soul to pretty dangerous people, that Arthur Dent would just leave me alone. Of course he never does.
So this is it. This is the last Zarking straw. I'm at the end of my tether. I have run out of reincarnation juice, this is my last body, my revenge body. My kill-Arthur-Dent body. Giant vampire bat looking or not, I will succeed and Arthur Dent will pay for his sick little joke. Not liking it now, eh, Dent? Now you're on the receiving end. Nothing could possibly go wrong. Dent will die today, mark my words. Dent will die.
So that's it Arthur Dent, the end of your callous reign of terror over me. You may find me pathetic as your fellow immortals but let me just tell you this, your immortality ends today Dent. How? Ha! I've done some pretty impressive stuff in my time but this just about beats it all. Re-wiring a teleport to direct you here. Ha! Not so clever now, are we Dent? Now that little bowl of petunias fought back! Now that little bowl of petunias grew into a giant Zarking triffid and ate you Arthur Dent, yes, ate you! How do you feel now Dent, now the tables have turned? Well Dent, this is it. You have successfully ended my life. All of them. The least I can do is end yours. And that smug little smile, you know the one, the one you wear when you've just knocked off another Agrajag? That's the Zarking last straw Dent, the Zarking last straw. It all comes down to one thing really Dent, one simple little thing you seem to have overlooked.
It's just not right.