If You Were With Me Tonight

Dear Sirius..

Andromeda sighed and shook her head. This was ridiculous. Writing to a cousin who was locked up in highest security for a crime all evidence pointed to him, so she couldn't even moan that it was a wrong-doing, was completely stupid.

"You don't even have to send it," Ted had said. "Just write to him. Pour out your feelings. Come on, 'Dromeda, you've been a mess lately."

She had been completely depressed about pretty much everything these days. Who could blame her? Her cousin, her favorite relative in the entire world, the only relative that no longer treated her like a spot of dirt on the tip of her shoe..

I never said thank you for that..

Without meaning to, Andromeda was writing. And then it all came pouring out.

After half an hour, she set down her quill, tears rolling down her face, and read over the letter.

Dear Sirius..

Sirius, dear Sirius. I never said thank you for that, for not treating me like a piece of nothing just for getting sorted into Ravenclaw, just for falling in love. I never said thank you and now I never will. Because you're gone, far away on a fortress, suffering a fate worse than death.

But my God, Sirius, how could you do such a STUPID thing?

I always trusted you, you know. I always knew you were the only one who really, truly, absolutely, completely loved me without a doubt, even if I DID marry a Muggle-born, and get sorted into Ravenclaw, and other junk that the rest of them blamed me for. You were so against You Know Who. You really did think that we were all equal. When you talked about it, I saw it in your eyes. You weren't faking that emotion.

But you were.

And all along you were working for him.

They were your best friends, Sirius.

Part of me still doesn't believe it, still doesn't believe you COULD do something that idiotic. But then I think that all the clues point it out, and no matter how hard I try I can't figure out a way out of this. I always got you out of trouble, didn't I? I always made up a story for your mum or my mum or Slughorn or McGonagall. But I can't find any proof for you this time. And don't say I didn't try. Sirius, ever since I found out I've been in denial, looking for proof that it wasn't you, but I can't Sirius, I can't! It was you! There's no other possibility! WHY, Sirius? WHY?

Can't you see that you aren't just hurting yourself?

"When you make a bad choice, you're only hurting yourself." Ten seconds before she kicked me out of my house, my mum said that to me. You don't forget things like that in a hurry, Si. And now I know how completely absurd that is. You didn't just hurt yourself when you murdered all those people, when you sold them out to You Know Who.

You hurt so many others.

You hurt Lily and James – of course. You killed them. They had to know, seconds before they died, that their best friend in the world had sold them out. But that's just the tip of the iceberg.

You hurt Remus, too, you know, like crazy. I talked to him the other day, met him in Hogsmeade. You have no idea of the state of him, Sirius. He's completely broken up over it. He can barely speak coherently. Kept muttering something about the moon, how nothing would ever be the same again, how his life was ruined forever. And he was crying. He couldn't stop crying. He tried to hide it but it didn't work.

And you hurt me, Sirius. Do you know how hard it is for me? Did you ever think, before you sold your BEST FRIENDS OUT TO You Know Who, "Oh, you know, Andromeda's going to cry herself to sleep every single night after this because she'll know the one person she loved and trusted and would trust with her LIFE is a huge horrible traitor, so you know, I better not do it"? DID YOU EVER THINK?

I highly doubt you did.

I want this to all be a dream. I want you to knock on my door and give me your laugh like a bark and tell me I was having stupid dreams again. And sometimes I want to rewind, and I want you to be a little boy again, coming over to my house and throwing a rock at my bedroom window in the middle of the night and tell me what horrible thing your mother's done today. I want to be able to hug you close and sing to you.

If you were with me tonight, I'd sing to you just one more time.

If you were with me tonight, I'd hug you.

If you were with me tonight, I'd probably be laughing, not crying.

If you were with me tonight, I wouldn't be writing this letter.

If you were with me tonight..I would SLAP you.

Sirius, I hate you.

I love you so much I hate you.

It's horrible, Sirius. Why can't you just be with me tonight and that would be that?

I bet there's no one in Azkaban to sing to you, Sirius.

I bet there's no one in Azkaban to comfort you, Sirius.

I bet there's no one in Azkaban to wipe your tears, Sirius.

I bet there's no one in Azkaban to help you, Sirius.

You are hurting yourself, aren't you?

God, I hate you so much.

God, I love you so much.

Why'd you have to do it, Sirius?

Why?

I can't say anything more to you except that at the bottom of my heart, I still think that you're innocent.

But I'm wrong. Aren't I, Sirius?

If you were with me tonight, you'd tell me.

Too bad you aren't, huh?

Love from,

Andromeda