Batman and all related elements and characters belong to DC Comics.

All other characters belong to their respective copyright holders.

I make no money at all out of writing or posting this. Wish I could, but I can't and don't!

'Nuff said. Oh no, wait, that's Marvel.

Hnh.


TALES CALCULATED TO DRIVE YOU BATTY- ROUND 2.


Birthday Gifts.

It was clear the package had been delivered by the Joker. The date. The purple and green wrapping. The note with the smiley attached to it. The fact it had been left on the hall of the core Gotham Lexcorp building, despite the airtight security.

Just like every other year, most of the security staff had been given the pink slip, and horrible things that could not be blamed on anyone would probably keep happening to them for months. But that was inconsequential for Lex Luthor now as he listened to the chief of his anti-explosives service.

"Well, Mr. Luthor, " the man was clearly uncomfortable for some reason, "the good news are the package was... completely safe. We found no detonators, toxins, traps or viruses. We performed every test on it, and it and its contents were—"

"I see, " Luthor interrupted crisply. "And what were its contents?"

"Well-" the man doubted.

"What were its contents?" Luthor repeated himself. Anyone working for him knew it was unwise making him repeat himself twice.
So, sheepishly, his employee held a purple and green comb.

Luthor still took his frustration out on him.


Pac-Man Begins.

He tightened his fists, gloved in stark white. "Ghosts are a cowardly and superstitious lot. That's why they only venture out in the darkness of the night, and only through narrow labyrinthic corridors. They fear the sun, so I'll become what they fear the most, a bright yellow circle. Yes, father. Yes, mother. I'll become... a Pac-Man!"

Then he swallowed another pill for good measure. If drugs had done it for Captain America and Dr. Midnight, they'd also do it for him, damn it!


Top Ten Bat-Vehicles Lucius Fox Refused to Back Up.

10- Bat-Pogo Stick.

9- Bat-Jet Powered Roller Skates.

8- Bat-Ice Cream Truck.

7- Bat-Unicycle.

6- Bat-Arrowmobile ("Seriously, Bruce, you have to let go on that competition...")

5- Bat-Motor Propelled Surfboard.

4- Bat-Flying Cardboard Box.

3- Robin Carriage ("You have started picking them far too young, Bruce...")

2- Bat-Pinto ("It'll explode at the slightest bump, Bruce!")

1- Bat-Akiomobile ("I'm glad you finally admitted you need releasing some sexual tension, Bruce, but this...!")


Final Riddle.

Batman woke up to find himself looking at a small note pinned on top of him, right above his face.

It read, What is the only thing that can take you to Infinity, by taking you underground?

A coffin, of course.

Damn Nygma.


It's Super-Effective!

Joker cleared his throat and began solemnly for the assembled Yaoi-Con crowd, "So, Jack Sparrow, Edward Cullen, Legolas, Wolverine, Inu Yasha, Naruto, Harry Potter and Edward Elric all walk into a gay bar..."

Later:

"And you say they didn't die of laughter?"

"No, Commissioner Gordon. Massive blood loss through their noses."


Animal House.

The Batman arched an eyebrow under the mask. Clark could tell, because he heard the eyebrow rising.

"Superdog?"

Krypto wagged his tail.

"Supercat?" Bruce's tone grew colder.

Streaky yawned and curled himself further into a ball, trying to get a better sleep.

"Supermonkey?" Bruce sounded about to hurl.

Beppo nodded, as if understanding, and scratched himself in an armpit.

"Superhorse, " Bruce finally sighed.

"Well, yes. Kara usually looks after him, but since she started college, well..." Clark mused.

Batman looked at him. "How can you live with yourself?"

Clark's mouth moved slightly aside. "Bat-Hound, remember?"

"That was Dick's idea, and he still was a child back then...!"


Extreme Measures.

"And so, as the new Major of Gotham City, " the elder man said with a strong, commanding voice, "I will enforce the decisive measures I promised to hold the criminal wave sweeping through our city at bay. I know we all have had enough of so-called super-criminals using strategically placed sites to hide all across the city, so from now, the following kinds of businesses and establishments are forbidden within the Gotham urban area."

He began reading from a very, very long list.

"Comedy clubs, amusement parks, flower shops, botanical gardens, hothouses, bird shops, hat shops, ice cream parlors, freezing warehouses, ice skating rings, any shops selling puzzles, any locals with 'Second' in their names, ventriloquism schools, aquariums, cat shelters, the Museum of Egyptian Culture, the Museum of Greek Culture, any movie theater where they have played Basil Karlo movies, clay craftmanship stores, bookstores, music stores, circuses, haunted houses—"

The good news were the crime rate plummeted in a 50% in six months. The bad news were the local economy hit such a slump, everyone began moving out with the super villains...


Looney.

"Harvey Season!" Dent pointed at his own right side.

"No! Two-Face Season!" Dent pointed at his left side.

"Harvey Season!" He pointed at the right side again.

"Two-Face Season!" He roared, poking a finger agressively on his scarred left cheek.

"Harvey Season!" He repeated, right before Batman punched him right between the eyes.

The Dark Knight grumbled while dragging the tied up villain out of the warehouse. "Joker's being a really bad influence on them.."