Hi, everybody, this is Insane Rubber Bullet reporting to you after an absence of…(checks dates) 2 ½ years… Dang, that's a lot. Welp, here's part of what I've been doing:

A buddy of mine (Dok) invited me some while ago to join and play Battlefield Heroes, a nifty shooter and strategy on-line game. We both usually play, as partners, he's the leading tutor, me the pursuing apprentice/rookie. I gotta say, we had a very good share of funny occurrences and I'd like to recount the apparently-not-so-ordinary one that had lead to this.

One day, we decided to take a tank to increase our success rate. Since Dok had more experience, he was the one driving it, I was the one at the hatch. Until we got to town (and that took a while) I really didn't have much to do, except stare in awe at my buddy's tank driving skills (I, for one, am impaired, in all imaginable respects, when it comes to driving those blasted contraptions, I can hardly imagine how anyone manages at all!). So I spent all that time using the game's chat to express this awe of mine and praise this buddy of mine, using highly informal and colloquial expressions like: "Yay Dok!", "Go Dok!", "U show them Roys!".

Some time after the game, we were discussing it on Yahoo Messenger and my buddy said something to the effect of:

Dok: Hey, can I ask you a favour?

Me: You bet you can!

Dok: Well, it's not that I mind it or anything, but unless you want to be my personal cheer leader, I suggest you wane down them praises a notch. And how about you use TEAM chat, not ALL chat, you wouldn't want you strategies to be heard indiscriminately by everybody on the game, blah, blah, blah….

By then, I was only half paying attention. Because a plot bunny had just invaded and taken over my brain; and this had to be done.

I do give some merit to the story "Have You Seen My Pants?" (link: .net/s/5398535/1/Have_You_Seen_My_Pants ) by Alien26. That kind of comedy is, fundamentally similar to what I employ, but, of course, we each have our own way of employing it.

But, of course, if you want to see what in the world I've been talking about this whole bleeping page, be my guests! :D Ah, yes, one last thing:

Disclaimer: I don't own Battlefield Heroes. Someone else, obviously smarter, more resourceful and more successful than me does.

Chapter I

Three days into operation ''Alpine Assault'' and things were not going to well for the Nationals. And that's saying it nicely. In fact, it was beyond even the most pessimistic of predictions. Those ''goodie good two shoes'' Royals turned out to be ruthless, down-to-the-last-detail imitations of Rambo, Terminator, Hannibal Lecter, Jack the Ripper and even Predator, if we were to believe a Commie sent for some scouting and returning to base half dead. Moreover, the Royals had three bases of high strategic value and the Nationals had one, which they would certainly lose should the Royals decide to make a decisive attack. So yes, everyone agreed the Nationals were in deep trouble.

Everyone also agreed that something had to be done, and fast if they were to even think about winning this battle. Thus, after considering every single option and thinking out the best plan, the Commanding Officer ordered all of his troops to attack and gain the Water Mill. No sooner had they heard the order that they all ran for and jumped into the nearest vehicle. Dok4 and StimPatch made no exception either, as they both got into a Jeep and started the engine; except they had a different objective from their fellow Nationals.


StimPatch and Dok4 were in the Commanding Officer's office, listening to him carefully.

Commanding Officer: So, do you both understand what's needed of you?

StimPatch : Sir, yes sir! (military salute)

Dok4: While the main National body of troops attacks the Water Mill, we go and capture the High Cliffs.

C.O.: Exactly. Well, since you both know your orders, go and carry them out!


StimPatch (doing his guitar hero impression with shotgun, lil' something he believes brings luck and victory): Let's get them, Dok!

Dok4 (giving the Jeep full throttle): Here we go...

And off they went, ridding past their combating comrades and their fierce, yet oblivious enemies. Thanks to Dok4's driving skills, they soon found the deserted Royal base.

StimPatch (getting out of the Jeep): You'd think they'd man each base and put up a decently good fight.

Dok4 (standing by the flag post): Overly powerful weapons make you overly confident in your success. Let's not be as foolish as them.

As the Royal flag was taken down and the red and black colours hoisted, Stimpatch took advantage of the momentary peace and quiet to inquire into their comrades' general progress.

StimPatch: Hmm… (lowers the field glasses in an ominous fashion) They aren't doing too well...

Dok4: Perhaps you should go and help out. I'll stay here and guard the base, just in case some Royal decides to win it back.

StimPatch (hesitating): You'll be allright?

Dok4 (rolling his eyes): 'Course I will! I'm a Commie, a good one at that, they're the ones that have to watch their backs!

StimPatch : Ha! That's saying it, as you always do. (hoisting shotgun on shoulder) Alright, here I go!

And with that, Stimpatch marches away, in his imposing, albeit slow Gunner manner, leaving Dok4 alone at the base... and at the mercy of a sneaky Royal Commando, who was just dying for a fight. For you see folks, this particular Commie had a new brand of poison blade, most likely bought of the blackmarketor underworld, far more deadly than anything either sides have ever seen; and which he was itching to try on a live prey...

Thus, the treacherous Commie deployed his stealth and approached Dok4. Who was clueless scouting the surrounding area, leaving his back unguarded. Which was promptly stabbed by his nemesis.

Dok4 (taken aback by the sudden pain): AAAArgh! (recovers and faces his foe): Why you slimy...!

Dok4 immediately deploys everything he believes can help him survive, a Supreme bandage, Elixir, his own trusty Konrad Knife, anything that would help him. But his chances couldn't look slimmer... He had taken just one stab and was already feeling sick and slow; while his opponent was in prime condition...and still bloodthirsty.

Dok4 (getting another blow, while unsuccessfully trying to land one himself on the Royal): AAArgh!

''That does it!'' By now, Dok4 could barely think straight. ''If I take one more cut, I'm dead! And since I can't win, might as well let him think I'm dead.'' No sooner did he decide on this course of action that Dok4 let himself fall to the ground; not that his legs could hold him any longer... Satisfied with Dok4's swift ''death'', the Royal was just about to hoist his faction flag when a rain of bullets started pouring on him.

StimPatch (racing towards the base, firing at the standing Commando non-stop): You worthless piece of rotting...!

If curses were fatal, StimPatch would have easily killed off the wrecker. But they weren't inflicting any injury whatsoever on the target; and unfortunately, neither were all the shots he fired. For the quick and nimble Commie could dodge them well; and Stim's destructive (read distractive) rage was not helping him at all. Both fighters moved in for the kill and began ''dancing'' around each other as they attempted to dodge and damage at the same time. With all the stabs Commie was able to inflict on Stim, he still couldn't bring him down; Gunners were notoriously resilient; not to mention the fact that this particular Gunner was barking mad over the ''loss'' of his best friend. It seemed that even with his nifty poison blade, the Commando's life was drawing to an end, his health having been slowly but surely depleted. But wouldn't you know it, just then StimPatch ran out of bullets!

Commie (moving in for the final strike, as Stim was trying to ''reload''): Ha! You're a Goner now!

Not the case, as StimPatch was only shifting from the use of firearms to that of the Sly's Sucker-Punch. One blow of that crafty widget, and the Commando was launched into orbit.

Dok4 (happy for his friend's victory, tries to stand up): Good job, Stim. Now help me get up.

There was no need for Dok4 to get up, since Stim came falling down. He may have won the duel, but he was now barely holding on.

Dok4 (worried out of his wits): Oh NO! (crawling beside his buddy) What are we gonna do now?

C.O. (via team chat): All units, fall back! FALL BACK! We've lost The Water Mill and The High Cliffs. Incoming Royals!

Dok4 (shaking his friend back to consciousness): Did you hear that? We have to get out of here, or we'll get overrun by Royals!

StimPatch (regaining some senses): If we could, we would. But neither of us can even stand.

Dok4 (getting frustrated): God, if only we had a Healing Ability!

StimPatch (tugging something out of his uniform): Well, I don't have that, but I do have something... (pulls out a health tonic). Here you take it. (Dok4 tries to protest) Take it! (shoves tonic in Dok's hands)

Dok4: But what about you?

StimPatch: I'd rather have you saving yourself than dying with me at the hands of them Royals... (falls back into unconsciousness)

Dok4 could not help stare in awe at his friend's noble sacrifice. But the sound of approaching Royals reminded him of his current predicament. Sterning his features he gulped the tonic and sprang up. But he wasn't going to scamper away just yet.

Dok4 (throwing his comrades' heavy, motionless form over his shoulders): Come on! Neither of us is gonna die. Not today, and not at the hands of any Royal!

And so the heroic duo narrowly escaped the oncoming flow of Royals, stumbling out of harms way and back to their base. At which point they both collapsed to the ground...

A/N: Hmmm, pretty dramatic, but the next chapter is of lighter heart.