Disclaimer - I don't own Harry Potter
Author's Note – This is pure cracky crap. Crappy crack. Whatever.
I've had a horrible case of writer's block, and I needed to write some nonsense to get me out of it. Seeing Harry Potter today inspired this piece of – well – junk.
I'm truly sad the epic that was Harry Potter is coming to an end. The books were brilliant, in my opinion, and the movies too. All the actors and directors and everyone have done a wonderful job bringing it to life. I really can't express it in words – but I'm sure you get it.
I admit I didn't like parts of the latest movie that much in places due to some non-canonical occurrences, Voldemort OOC-ness (hugging? seriously?) and some scenes I felt were anticlimactic. I have thus poked fun at those things in this ridiculous little parody piece.
I mean it all in good humor and not in an insulting way at all. The movie was overall great, Harry Potter is amazing, and so is David Yates. So please read the following only if you don't mind reading that sort of thing. I don't want to insult anyone's sentiments here. This is pure ridiculous crack.
Actually, it's probably not even funny enough to be considered crack =P
Also, beware Ginny-bashing and Harry/Hermione-shipping. Also some LOTR references, I couldn't resist.
If you're fine with that, continue. I hope you enjoy this ridiculous piece. For whatever reason, I enjoyed writing it, and the silly thing got me over my writer's block. I hope to update my regular stories soon!
ALSO: MAJOR SPOILERS FOR HP 7 PART 2 MOVIE. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!
EDIT (July 25, 2010) - Sorry, a couple editting/spelling errors which I fixed up, as well as one factual innacuracy.
A dark screen. A heart-wrenchingly familiar tune with ominous undercurrents. Clouds, lightening and then that ever-so-popular title screen with this bold letters.
Harry Potter and the Death Hallows
Ear-splitting shrieks of fangirls. Thunderous applause. Whistling. And then silence, as the audience waits, with bated breath... for the beginning of the end of an epic that has spanned for years and captured audiences and readers worldwide.
The initial parts are brilliant. A thrilling escape from Gringotts and a well-executed entrance through Hogsmeade, and into Hogwarts, courtesy of Aberforth, Ariana and none other than a lanky Neville Longbottom.
This is followed by a heart-warming scene as the familiar faces of Dumbledore's army greet the trio in the Room of Requirement. However, this doesn't last long, as Ginny soon appears and informs everyone that Snape wants to see them in the Great Hall.
Ginny (sulkily): Why don't I get any good lines in these films!
Ron: Thanks for ignoring me. But blimey, shouldn't you be happier to see him after he's been MIA all these months?
Harry: Face it, Ginny and I've never actually had any chemistry-
Ginny (defensively): What? That's not true! We-
Harry (mockingly): Zip me up? Like I'd ever actually fall for a line like that-
Ginny (shrilly): It wasn't my fault, Steven Kloves made me say it-
On screen, Snape is speaking in a languorously menacing manner that makes the audience titter uncontrollably.
"If anyone here has any knowledge of Mr. Potter's movements this evening," Snape drawls, "I invite them to step forward now."
Someone steps forward.
Audience (gasping): Who is that? Oh, the traitor! They should rot in Azkaban!
"It seems despite your exhaustive defensive strategies, you still have a bit of a security problem, Headmaster," Harry replies smugly.
Ron (rolling eyes): Great job, you blew your cover to sound smart, you prat!
Hermione: Please, Harry doesn't actually use such big words...
Harry (hurt): Hey!
Professor McGonagall then proceeds to decimate Snape quite thoroughly in a one-sided wizard duel.
Snape (annoyed): What is this? This never happened! This is disgraceful!
McGonagall (with ill-concealed glee): I am so awesome. One up to me!
Seamus: Dude, go McGonagall! Never knew she had that in her!
Lee Jordan: Yeah, prof, you owned him!
Their cheering is abruptly halted, however, as Voldemort's abrasive voice cuts through the halls, delivering a threatening message.
Harry: Wait, he isn't supposed to do that yet-
Book-fans: Huh? Already?
Pansy Parkinson hysterically suggests handing Harry over to Voldemort, though before anyone can act, Ginny Weasley steps in front of Harry in a rather pathetic attempt at sacrificial heroism, which is also unfortunately one of her few inconsequential actions in the entire series.
Hermione (matter-of-factly): You know, you don't actually do much. How much do they pay you anyway?
Ginny (acidly): Oh shut up, you!
Alecto Carrow (morosely): You think you had it bad? All my lines were cut! I didn't get to Crucio anyone!
Percy (angrily): Yeah, and what about me! I need my family reunion, damnit!
Fred: Yeah, and I didn't get to call you a ministry-loving, family-disowning, power-hungry moron! It was one of my best lines before my tragic death sequence, Perce!
George: You seem rather excited about your death sequence.
Fred: Of course! That wall exploding on me, and you people suddenly realising I'm dead so you can weep over my body... it's going to be soul-searing, that!
Onscreen, Harry has run off to find the diadem. Luna runs behind him, shrieking in a manner quite unlike her usually dreamy airiness.
"Harry Potter! You listen to me right now!" Luna yells, "Don't you remember what Cho said about Rowena Ravenclaw's diadem? There's not a person alive who's seen it. It's obvious isn't it? You have to talk to someone who's dead."
Luna (dazedly): Did I really tell you all that? Must've been the Wrackspurts, as usual...
Harry: Um – that was actually my own idea you know...
Onscreen, Harry has met Helena Ravenclaw. Who seems to have this surrealistic ability of zooming around like a compressed ball of energy.
Helena Ravenclaw: Ghosts do not actually possess the ability to do – that.
Nearly Headless Nick (affronted): It is a great pity, but I see I've been cut-
Sir Patrick Delaney-Podmore (jokingly): Not entirely. There's still that bit of skin, remember-
Nearly Headless NIck: That is not what I meant!
Meanwhile, Helena Ravenclaw is having some sort of screeching fit, jamming her ghostly head through the pillars and venting out at Harry.
Helena Ravenclaw (clearly disturbed): I do think I had more decorum than what has been exhibited in this display! This is clearly an inaccurate characterisation!
Helena Ravenclaw tells Harry where the lost diadem is.
Harry (grumbling): What is with people and taking my ideas? I figured that one out myself, I know it!
Ron: Yeah, it's like they're trying to make you look stupider than you really are, mate...
Back onscreen, Ron and Hermione are at a familiar site: Moaning Myrtle's Bathroom!
Book–fans: Yay! The Chamber of Secrets! Finally an inclusion that we actually wanted to see!
Ron comically splutters out something in Parseltongue and the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets opens.
Audience (rolling over with laughter): Yeah! Go Ron!
"Harry talks a lot in his sleep," Ron explains to Hermione, "Haven't you noticed?"
"I wouldn't know," Hermione replies.
R/Hr Shippers: Damn well, you wouldn't!
Secret H/Hr Shippers (gleefully, whispering): Oh, she totally would!
Inside the Chamber of Secrets, Hermione stabs the cup, resulting in a huge wave of water crashing over her and Ron, soaking them to the bone.
Ron (confused): Water? Only bloody water? Didn't you have some vision of sorts! Some evil illusion induced by You-Know-Who that-
Hermione (smugly): No. I'm just amazing.
Harry (nodding): She really is amazing in this.
Ron: That's not fair! I have to endure you and Harry snogging your faces out in that stupid bloody kiss scene-
Hermione (dreamily): Mind-blowing kiss scene...
Ron (grudgingly): Stupid bloody mind-blowing kiss scene-
Harry (interjects): Don't forget shirtless-
Ron (losing his patience): Stupid bloody mind-blowing shirtless kiss scene-
Secret H/Hr Shippers (ecstatically): There was tongue! Lots of it!
Ron: BLOODY MERLIN!
Hermione: And it was way more passionate than that insipid kiss Harry had with Ginny-
Harry (adoringly): You're a much better kisser, Hermione. You're like an animal-
Hermione (giggles): Oh, Harry!
Ron: ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! HERMIONE, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE OUR BLOODY KISS SCENE NOW AND ITS GOING TO BE LOADS BETTER-
Harry (grins sadistically): Till I interrupt you.
Ginny: Look! There it is!
Ron and Hermione have suddenly launched at each other, without any build-up or preamble, and are kissing. Admittedly, it is an aesthetically pleasing kiss, unlike that ridiculous farce that passed between Harry and Cho in the fifth movie, wherein Harry looked like someone had petrified him, he was so rigid...
R/Hr Shippers (clapping and whooping): YAYYYY! WHOOOOOOO!
Secret H/Hr Shippers (jeering): Boooo!
H/G Shippers: (Silence. Perhaps if these actually existed they would say something. But truth is, before that ludicrous pairing became canon, nobody supported such a boring and unprecedented coupling)
Ron: Bloody brilliant...
Hermione (snootily): No, this is inaccurate! What about the House Elves! The only reason I actually kissed him was because of the House Elves! Why haven't they been mentioned! And there really isn't any build-up or tension whatsoever-
Harry (grumpily): Ours was better. Ours was way better, Hermione. Don't deny it-
Ginny (just as grumpily): It was fake, Harry!
Harry: Well, that dance scene wasn't!
Ron: Yeah, what the bloody hell was that! You looked like you wanted to kiss her and you two were touching way too much!
Secret H/Hr Shippers: We had the best kiss in the entire series! It was the longest, and the sexiest! Harmony, harmony, yay, yay, yay!
Harry: Oi! There's a war going on!
Hermione (confused): Why'd you say that? You're not even onscreen?
Harry (sadly): Yes, but it's one of my favorite lines. I really wanted to interrupt your kiss-
Hermione (sarcastically): Of course. That line, and "I love her like a sister and reckon she feels that way about me-"
Harry (thoughtfully): Yeah, I don't think I should've said that. Is incest crime enough to land you in Azkaban?
Ginny (shrilly): ENOUGH! Ugh, Harry, you suck! They should have totally given me a hot, steamy forbidden romance with Malfoy...
Back onscreen, Neville is searching frantically for Luna. He appears to want to confess his love for her, or something equally offensive to canon.
Hannah Abbott (furious): WHAT? Neville! What is the meaning of this! You said you loved me!
Neville (nervously): I – I do! I – s-swear it! I don't know – why – why they made me say that!
Luna (bemused): I never quite realised you loved me. I thought you married Hannah. And I'm supposedly in love with Rolf Scamander, we even have two kids, so I don't know how this works out... must be the Nargles...
Rolf Scamander: Oy, Longbottom! You messin' with my woman?
Audience: Who the hell are you? Rolf Scamander? Never heard of him!
Book-fans: No – just – no...
Secret N/L Shippers (excitedly): Yes! We knew it! They were destined for each other! This is so sweet!
Not-So-Secret-Anymore H/Hr Shippers (enviously): Why couldn't they make our ship canon? We have way more chemistry and a sexier kiss scene...
Onscreen, Harry is about to tell Ginny he loves her. She cuts him off, saying, "I know." They barely kiss.
Not-So-Secret-Anymore H/Hr Shippers (enviously): WOOHOOO! NO DISGUSTING LONG H/G KISS TO VILLIFY THE FILM! ALRIIIIGHT!
H/G Shippers have no comment since they are virtually non-existent.
Ginny (angrily): They nearly cut our kiss! How could they practically cut our big kiss! Ron and Hermione got a long one! How dare they! I'll Bat Bogey them!
Hermione (scathingly): You probably didn't have enough chemistry... they didn't want to bore the audience with another stultifying kiss with zero emotion-
Ginny (longingly): Oh, Malfoy... What did that Greengrass girl have that I didn't?
Harry (guiltily): Actually, it's because it was one-sided. I couldn't bring myself to kiss her, Hermione, not when I have feelings for-
Hermione (hastily): Oh, look, it's Voldemort!
Voldemort and his army of Death Eaters have amassed atop a hill, bearing an uncanny resemblance to a squadron of orcs. Voldemort casts a spell, and the Elder Wand cracks.
Book-fans (enraged): WTF? It's the Elder F****** Wand! It doesn't f****** crack!
Voldemort: What is the meaning of this! This is a travesty! My wand does not crack!
Bellatrix: I look so sexy. The real Bella is back, bitches. That silly little mudblood couldn't pull of my oomph at all.
Molly Weasley (menacingly): You'll be getting it from me soon, you despicable wh***!
Neville is standing alone on the bridge, facing the entire army of Death Eaters.
Audience: Neville, what the hell are you doing standing alone on that bridge?
Neville (terrified): What the hell am I doing standing alone on that bridge?
The Death Eaters break through the enchantments and charge towards the bridge. They cast spells at Neville, who in a James Bond fashion, miraculously manages to dodge every single one of them, while simultaneously collapsing the bridge and causing a whole lot of them to fall down, screaming.
Newly Converted Neville Fangirls: OMG, NEVILLE! You're sooo amazing! We love you!
Neville: Ha! Hey, Grandma, did you see that?
Mrs. Longbottom (shaking her head ruefully): Oh, Mr. Klowes... what have you done?
The Golden Trio are in the Room of Requirement, in the place where everything is hidden. Harry is frantically looking around for the Lost Diadem. Somehow, he can sense it, by hearing Voldemort's voice emanate from the Horcrux.
Harry (impatiently): You idiot, the warlock! It's on the warlock's head, remember! Next to the place where you kept Snape's potions book!
Somewhere on screen, familiar twittering blue spindly creatures dart around.
Seamus: Hey, it's those Cornish Pixies from second year! That git, Lockhart got them! How in the name of Merlin did they get in here?
Harry finally finds the Diadem resting in a box. It's an elegantly crafted silver crown with a large sapphire.
Helena Ravenclaw: No, that can't be it! I specifically remember it was a 'discoloured old tiara'. This looks like something Arwen would wear!
Arwen (straightening up regally on her throne at Minas Tirith, affronted): I think not! Nai Valaraukar tye-mátar! Garich i dhôl goll o Yrch!
He is interrupted however, by the appearance of Draco Malfoy, Gregory Goyla and – Blaise Zabini.
Crabbe (roars): WHAT? I got cut too? But Fiendfyre is the only cool thing I get to do in the entire series!
Draco: That and dying. Your two fine moments.
Goyle: Huh? But then who dies?
Blaise (euphorically): I get screen time! Awesome!
Onscreen Draco is asking Harry to give his wand back. He states he is using his mothers.
Harry (snorts): Mommy's boy!
Draco (attempting to grasp at his steadily slipping dignity): Shut it.
After Draco and Harry sneer at each other on screen, Goyle delivers the most poignant line of the entire franchise. He looks over at Draco, and says, "Do him."
Secret Harry/Draco Fangirls: EEEEEEEEEE! DO HIM! OMG! He told Draco to do Harry!
Audience (convulsing with laughter): Ahahahahahahaha!
Draco and Harry (revolted): BLOODY HELL! NO!
Goyle then proceeds to cast the spell for Fiendfyre which is depicted with stunning graphics. The trio run for their lives, and mount brooms. Three separate brooms.
Book-fans: She's supposed to be on Ron's broom!
Ron (open-mouthed): Hermione can fly?
Hermione (open-mouthed): I can fly?
Harry (open-mouthed): Hermione's actually flying really well!
Ginny (jealously): She bloody gets everything in these films!
Draco and his minions are vainly attempting to escape the intense flames by climbing up a mountain of rubbish. Harry then valiantly saves Draco, who mounts the broom on top of – excuse me – behind him.
Secret Harry/Draco Fangirls: OMG, soooo cuuuute! Soooo hot! Make out already!
Draco and Harry (repulsed): Merlin, no!
Goyle: Wait! Don't leave me!
Draco: Sorry, you die.
Goyle (sobbing pathetically): Hey! Wait! I don't wanna die! I'm not supposed to die! Take Crabbe, not me!
Crabbe: Haha, sucker!
After Harry has yet another Voldemort-vision, the battle of Hogwarts rages on. The castle is in chaos, flooded with death-eaters, dementors, giants, spiders and all sorts of evil, virulent creatures. However, the light side does seem to have a few shortages.
Book-readers (panicking): Where's Grawp? And the centaurs?
Fangirls (wailing): Nooo, Firenze!
McGonagall: I did want my army of galloping desks... oh well, the statue spell was fun...
Lavender (terrified): Greyback's eating me! Why is he eating me? Somebody do something! He's only supposed to bite me!
Ron: And I wanted to punch Malfoy's face and call him a bastard!
Fred (appalled): Where the heck's my dramatic death scene?
Lupin (to Tonks, sadly): We never actually got a death scene in the book either...
Tonks (cheerfully): Hey, at least we got that cool scene where we wiggle our fingers at each other!
Harry, Ron and Hermione reach a boathouse. Snape and Voldemort are inside, discussing the true allegiance of the Elder Wand. Voldemort then sets Nagini on Snape.
Voldemort (hisses): What is this idiosyncrasy?
Snape (monotonically): It's a boathouse. I'm supposed to die in the Shrieking Shack. Not a boathouse.
Hagrid (befuddled): 'Ogwarts don't even 'ave a boathouse!
Book-fans: What about the spherical ball Nagini is supposed to be floating around in?
Nagini kills Snape rather grotesquely, biting him several times. Snape's body can be seen, thrashing about.
Hermione (flinches): Was that really necessary?
Sirius (winces): Ouch! That must've been painful, eh, Snivelly?
Snape (in a steady tone): Excruciatingly.
Lupin: Not everyone gets perfectly painless deaths like you and James.
Sirius: True, that. How exactly did you die, by the way?
Lupin (ashamedly): I'm not really sure.
Voldemort then delivers his next broadcast, this one being the canonically correct one.
Harry: Actually, no, he's supposed to wait until after I talk to Snape-
Harry goes inside the boathouse with Ron and Hermione-
Book-fans: What are they doing here?
-and finds a rather heart-wrenching scene, of the frigid and seemingly impervious Half-Blood Prince in tears. Harry collects the tears in a small test tube.
Audience: Aww, how terrible...
Dumbledore (shakes head, disappointed): Harry, my dear boy, have I taught you nothing about Pensieves and how they function?
Book-fans: You're supposed to take wispy memories from his temple! Not his freaking tears! This isn't Pirates of the Caribbean!
Snape's eyes lock with Harry's for a few long moments.
Book-fans (muttering under their breaths): Say 'Look at me', say it!
"You're eyes – are like your mother's," Snape rasps.
Snape (slaps forehead with palm): No...
Book-fans: What? No! Say 'Look at me', damnit!
"Look at me..." Snape croaks.
Book-fans (burst into tears): Oh no! No, Snape, no! Don't die!
Snape dies, and the trio then go to the Great Hall, where everyone is mourning. Among the dead are Fred Weasley, Remus Lupin, Nymphadora Tonks and Lavender Brown.
Lavender (shrieking hysterically): WHY AM I DEAD? I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO DIE!
Parvati: And why am I not sadder? She's my best friend!
Fred (enraged): They killed me without actually showing my death scene! Bloody prats! I'll shove a whole ton of Puking Pastilles down their throats, the imbeciles!
George (supportively): It's a travesty, bro. At least I got my ear-humour.
Colin Creevey (petulantly): I am supposed to be dead! But I've been cut entirely! Dennis too!
Harry then goes to Dumbledore's office, where he pours Snape's memories into an object we are to believe is the Pensieve. Apparently, it's been remodelled, for this new floating Pensieve looks nothing like the one in Dumbledore's office about a year ago. Several of Snape's memories are shown as flashbacks. One flashback involves an adorable young Lily and a dorky-looking Severus lying down side-by-side, incredibly close.
Audience: Awwww, Lily was sooo cute!
Snape (staring at screen, entranced): If only...
James (annoyed): Hey, Snivellus, you stay away from my girl-
Lily (exasperated): James, that never actually happened
Sirius: You know, I remember his hair being way greasier than that.
The next few flashbacks show Snape at Hogwarts. Lily, James and Sirius are also briefly depicted.
Sirius (indignant): Did you see what they did to my awesome hair? They practically gave me an afro! I didn't have hair like that! My hair was lustrous and sexy and-
James: They cut the underpants scene. Again. They barely showed it in the fifth movie!
The scenes flash by. One of them is an especially heart-wrenching shot of Severus cradling a dead Lily Potter's body, his face filled with anguish. A baby Harry looks on with wet eyes.
Audience: AWWWWWWW! Poor baby!
Snape (staring at screen, entranced): If only...
James (rising, drawing his wand): You necrophiliac! Stop touching her! The pants are coming off again, Snivellus. Levicor-
Lily (snatches his wand away): James, don't you dare! I thought you were over this!
Hermione (misty-eyed): Oh, Harry! You were such an adorable baby!
Harry (pleased): I was, wasn't I?
Ron (miffed): I was a cute baby too! All babies are cute!
After more flashbacks, Dumbledore's machinations regarding Harry are finally revealed. Harry is supposed to die. He is the accidental Horcrux created by Voldemort. He leaves Dumbledore's office and descends the stairs. Ron and Hermione are sitting at the bottom, holding hands and cuddling.
R/Hr Shippers (starry-eyed): Awww! They're so cute together!
H/Hr Shippers (roll eyes): You're excited by this? Watch the third film please, time-turner sequence!
Ron (triumphantly, to Harry): Sorry, mate.
Harry then reveals his intentions to Ron and Hermione; he is going to find Voldemort so he can kill him. He tells Hermione that he'd known he was the Horcrux for some time, and that she'd known it as well. A sobbing Hermione begs Harry to take her with him. He refuses, and they share a long, passionate - hug.
Harry (triumphantly, to Ron): Sorry, mate.
Ron (grumbling): Why do you and Hermione always get the best moments! She's mine, damnit! Why do you two prats hug each other all the bloody time! Every bloody movie since our second year-
Book-fans: First year, if you consider the book-
Ron (impatiently): I don't care! I'm bloody tired of it!
H/Hr Shippers (cheering): Our ship will never sink! Our moments will OWN yours!
Hermione: Actually, I hadn't considered the possibility of Harry being a Horcrux at the time, and nor had he. This is factually inaccurate. And he never told us anything, he just left!
After the long, tight hug, Harry walks off, as Ron and Hermione stare longingly after him.
Ron (explodes): WHAT? You cuddle up with her for an entire minute, but no bloody hug for me? I'm your best mate, Harry! What in the name of Merlin?
Hermione (shocked): We wouldn't actually listen to him! We wouldn't let him walk away! We'd stop him, that's why he didn't tell us in the first place! They can't depict us like this, it's all wrong-
Harry (under his breath): That was actually a really good opportunity for another kiss, Horcrux-induced or not...
Ginny (sharply): Excuse me?
Hermione (still ranting): He's walking to his death, do you really think it's plausible that we'd just let him and that Ron would say nothing, and that-
Ron (frustrated): Screw this. I'm gonna go play Exploding Snap with Fred.
Harry then begins his walk through the Forbidden Forest. He removes the snitch, kisses it, and finds the Resurrection Stone concealed within. Soon, wraiths of Lily, James, Remus and Sirius appear.
"What are you doing here?" Harry asks, not an ounce of affection visible in his eyes.
Lily (reprimanding): Harry, really! After all these years of longing to see your mother, is that what you say?
James (shaking his head): I thought you'd be more excited to see us, Harry. Thought we meant more to you than that...
Harry (stunned): Mom – Dad – I – I swear – that's not what I meant to say at all! It's the scriptwriters, they – butchered it!
The scene progresses to where Voldemort is waiting for Harry. Harry finally arrives. Hagrid is there, being held captive by Death Eaters. He struggles, but the Death Eaters tell him to be silent, so he quietens.
Hagrid (roars): I won't be silenced, yeh filthy flobberworms! How dare yeh even ask that o'me! An' yeh really think I'm gonna just stand there an' let yeh kill 'arry! This is a disgrace, I tell yeh!
Hermione (quietly): Um – Hagrid - you kind of did.
Voldemort gives a sinister smile, and then screams out the words 'Avada Kedavra', looking and sounding mildly constipated. Nothing about him radiates menace or malice of fear.
Harry (snickering): Did you hear the way he said it?
Voldemort (hisses): Silence, you fool!
Bellatrix (hesitantly): My Lord, you did sound – rather – strained –
Voldemort (turning to Bellatrix): Ah, Bella... that was a mistake. CRUCIO!
Bellatrix (screaming, though her shrieks have a disturbingly erotic tone to them): AAAAAHHHH! MY LORD! AAAAHHH! SPARE ME! NNNNNNGH! MY LORD!
Lucius (bewildered and disgusted): She's a masochist!
The scene shifts to a refulgent white light. Harry is seen lying at a place that resembles King's Cross Station. A faint noise can be heard – a repudiating combination of a gurgle and a hiss.
Book-fangirls: He's supposed to be naked! Why isn't he naked?
Harry (rolls eyes): I'm not an exhibitionist.
Ron (livid): Yeah? What about Equus, you git?
Ginny (conversationally): You know my Patronus is a horse-
Harry (embarrassed): There is no correlation, Ginny, none.
Ginny (shrugs): Yeah... I know... hopeless, right?
Dumbledore joins Harry at King's Cross, explaining everything to him and eventually showing him the infant. The infant is truly a grotesque sight: a blood-covered foetus with Voldemort's face.
Audience: EEEEK! EWWW!
Voldemort (rising, snake-eyes flashing): This is the last straw! Avada Ked-
David Yates (snickers to himself): You ain't seen nothing yet, Tom...
Dumbledore goes own delivering his pedantic talk, in a calm, serene manner.
"Help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it," Dumbledore tells Harry, repeating his eloquent line from the Chamber of Secrets.
Audience: Awww, more CoS references!
He then proceeds to butcher it magnanimously, saying how this phrase should be altered.
"Help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who deserve it, Harry," Dumbledore says.
Audience: You killed it! You killed it!
Soon after, King's Cross disappears, and Harry is being carried forward in Hagrid's arms. Voldemort has assembled outside Hogwarts with his army. Neville Longbottom is standing outside alone. He has just been bestowed the sword of Godric Gryffindor by the Sorting Hat.
Audience: Why does Neville keep standing out around all by himself?
Neville (moans): Already? No! I'm not supposed to get the sword yet! They're ruining the climax of my heroic scene!
Soon, the rest of the witches and wizards assembled behind Neville, facing off the Death Eaters. Ginny runs out in front, tearfully asking Neville who Hagrid is carrying in his arms.
Harry (rolling eyes): Geez, can't you identify your own boyfriend, Ginny?
Ginny: Hey, I was emotionally distraught!
Voldemort then announces, much too happily, that Harry Potter is dead. Ginny screams and runs forward, but her father stops her, and there is silence after a few moments.
Harry (hotly, turning to Hermione and Ron): What the hell? Did you two even care that I was dead? You didn't seem all that bothered, you didn't cry or do anything dramatic! In fact, Ginny was the only one who did, and we all know that's because she doesn't actually have any lines in this damn movie so it was her only chance for screen time-
Ginny (raising wand): Ugh, I'm done with you! Stupefy!
Harry (raising wand): Protego!
Hermione (plaintively): Harry, you know we were heartbroken, we cried and screamed, Harry, we did! I don't know why they cut it, but, oh, Harry, we did!
Ron: Yeah! It's in the book you know!
Onscreen, the Death Eaters are jeering. Voldemort is grinning at the crowd. It isn't a malevolent smirk, or even a sinister sneer. It is a full-fledged, toothy, wide and alarmingly disturbing smile.
Audience: WAAAH! MY EYES, MY EYES ARE BURNING!
Parvati (disdainfully): What, is he like, trying for Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award or something?
Ron (snorts): Yeah, no wonder Lockhart wins it each year. Look at the competition!
Lockhart (amiably): Tom, Tom, Tom. My dear Tom – I understand that you would try to emulate one as great and as renowned as myself, but really Tom, this won't do! You're not going to beat me, but to even be considered fair competition for runner-up, you at least require a nose-job – I'd suggest St. Mungo's, they have a cosmetic department that-
Audience: He should retire from being a Dark Lord and be a comedian. Those scary clowns, that smile eerily at one another...
Voldemort (furious and ashamed): THIS IS ABOMINABLE! AVADA KEDAVRA! CRUCIO! CRUCIO! AVADA KEDAVRA!
Bellatrix (slyly): My Lord, I'd say it suits you...
David Yates (still snickering to himself): Wait till you see what's next – oh – I'm a genius!
In the next scene, Voldemort specifically calls out to Draco, and invites him to cross over. Draco does this.
Ron (jeers): And here I thought you couldn't become any more of a pansy, you two-faced bastard!
Draco (whimpering): Why are they doing this to me?
David Yates (rolling around with laughter): Oh Draco, just you wait...
Draco walks over to Voldemort's side, whereupon Voldemort does something far more disturbing and far more perversely inappropriate than his previous smile. He embraces Draco.
Book-fans: WHAT. THE. F***. VOLDEMORT DOESN'T F****** GIVE HUGS!
Audience: Dude, what a sappy Dark Lord!
Harry, Ron, Hermione and the rest of Dumbledore's Arrmy (staring at the screen as if petrified by a Basilisk): Whaaaaaaat?
Draco (tears flowing out of his eyes): Wh-why? Why me? L-let go of me!
Dumbledore (smiling kindly): Ah, Tom. I knew one day you'd come to realize the power of love.
Lucius (shaking his head, stunned): He's ruined his image. All these years of terrorizing and murdering people have come to nothing. It's over.
Sauron (somewhere, far away, rotting under the ruins of Mordor): How dare they compare this sappy nose-less freak to ME, Sauron the Maia, servant of Morgoth! What delusional insanity! Azg nazg gimbatul...
Book-fans: WHY IS VOLDEMORT HUGGING HIM? WHY, WHY? THIS IS WRONG!
Harry, Ron, Hermione and the rest of Dumbledore's Arrmy (now shrieking with laughter): HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Peeves (singing with mirth): Voldy and Draco, on a Nimbus 2003, H-U-G-G-I-N-G!
Voldemort (nearly ripping his eyes out, and emitting a scream more terrible than that of a Nazgul): AAAAAAAAAAARGH! NOOOOO!
After this shockingly deplorable scene, Neville goes on to make a rather sad little speech. Most of it is missed because the audience is still getting over Voldemort's personality disorder.
Neville (excitedly): Hey! I got a speech! It was great!
Harry (dismissively): Nobody cares, Neville, your speech sucked anyways. Hey, guys, what do you think really goes on at the Malfoy Manner at nights? I mean, there has to be a reason why Voldemort keeps his headquarters there, specifically, if you get what I mean...
Thereafter Harry, who is acting dead, comes back to life. Ron and Hermione smile with relief.
Harry (angrily): You people really suck. I mean, your reactions suck.
Hermione (comfortingly): Oh, Harry, that's not true! We had perfectly good reactions, they just edited them out!
Harry (leaning forward, smiling charmingly): Really? What sorts of – reactions?
Hermione (blushing): Harry! Be discreet! We'll talk later!
Ron (clenching fists): Please. I think enough bloody indiscretion has already passed between you two. It's too late to be discreet, Hermione.
Chaos ensues and Harry fires curses at Nagini, before rolling away. Voldemort eventually finds him and the two fire spells at one another. Their wands connect, a gold string of magic vibrating between them, exactly like in the fourth movie.
Harry (confused): What?
Ollivander: This is magically impossible! Given Tom is using the Elder Wand, this phenomenon, which only occurs if brother wands with sisters cores are connected, cannot occur! Harry has Draco Malfoy's wand. This effect only works for Harry and Voldemort's original wands with Fawkes's feather cores!
Book-fans: Yeah! What he said!
Harry eventually escapes and runs through the Great Hall and up the stairs. In the meanwhile, Ron and Hermione are being pursued by Nagini. Hermione is firing curses at Nagini.
Ron: Hey, lay off us, you filthy snake!
Neville (anxiously): Oh, you better not kill her and steal my thunder, Hermione!
Hermione: I honestly don't know what's happening right now.
Just in time, Neville shows up and lops Nagini's head off.
Audience: YEAHHHH NEVILLE!
Neville (beaming): Alright! I did it!
Book-fans (relieved): Phew! Some accuracy!
Meanwhile, Voldemort has found Harry again. He doesn't kill him though. Instead he tries kicking him and throttling him. It's all strangely physical.
Voldemort (hissing, menacingly): What? This is a transgression! I don't engage in such foolish muggle fighting practices!
Harry (dazed): When did Voldemort learn those moves?
Harry then grabs Voldemort by the neck, their faces disturbingly close.
"Come on Tom!" Harry cries, "Let's finish this the way we started... together!"
The two then tumble downwards, off a tower.
Audience (after a prolonged silence): ...what?
Ron (sniggering): Nice one, Harry, but I'm afraid I'll have to disown you for it.
Harry (gasping): I can't believe – they'd make me – say that!
Hermione (soothingly, patting his shoulder): Now, now, Harry.
James (disdainfully): Harry, seriously, what was that?
Sirius (distastefully): It sounded like a line from a cheesy muggle romance flick.
Voldemort (enraged): POTTER! How dare you touch me!
Book-fans (sobbing): It's over!
Lone Secret Tom/Harry Shipper (tentatively): I – think it was – nice.
Every single witch and wizard present (raises wand and points at Tom/Harry Shipper): Stupefy! Petrificus Totalus! Tarantallegra! Rictusempra! Sectumsempra!
Meanwhile, Molly Weasley is duelling with Bellatrix Lestrange.
Book-fans (chanting under breaths): 'Not my daughter, you bitch'. Come on, say it!
Molly Weasly shoots a spell at Bellatrix, who laughing maniacally.
"Not my daughter, you bitch!" Molly screams.
Molly: DAMN RIGHT, BITCHES!
Fred and George (impressed): You go, mom! Profanity, bloody wicked!
Bellatrix is hit by a second spell, and suddenly explodes outwards into smithereens before dissolving into nothingness.
Bellatrix (shrieking furiously): WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? YOU CAN'T F****** DISSOLVE ME!
Book-fans (infuriated): What. The. F***. Avada Kedavra is supposed to leave the body unblemished and unmarked! This goes against the laws of magic!
Harry and Voldemort tumble through the air, attempting to scratch each other's faces out in a manner that uncannily resembles the modern notion of a 'catfight'. Finally, the nonsense ends and they land on the ground, scrabbling for their wands. The spells connect, yet again.
Ron: Finally – some actually magic.
Book-fans: Where is everyone? Why aren't they watching the epic showdown?
Ollivander (losing his patience): I repeat, again, this effect can't happen since the wands don't have the same core! The Elder Wand actually has a hair from a Thestral and Draco's is Unicorn Hair, they aren't related, this can't happen!
Harry and Voldemort shoot spells at one another. Unfortunately, Harry's cry of 'Expelliarmus' can't actually be heard. The Elder Wand spins through the air.
Harry catches the wand. Voldemort begins to dissolve into nothingness.
Book-fans, witches and wizards: WHAT?
J. K. Rowling (frantically): But I remember writing about his lifeless body, staring upwards. I remember it!
Book-fans: Seriously, this is getting ridiculous. What's next? Is Harry going to suddenly decide to snap the Elder Wand in two or something equally ludicrous?
Harry snaps the Elder Wand in two and throws it away.
Chaos ensues everywhere.
Except one small corner of the theatre, where a huddled group of people are sitting, trying to make their presence as unobtrusive as possible.
Frodo (shaking his head): Do not worry, Peter! There isn't a comparison!
Legolas (scoffs): Like these foolish mortals could even dream of comparing! Nothing will match up to my mumakil fight sequence!
Gandalf (snorting contemptuously): They call themselves wizards? Hmph! They are fools.
Aragorn (clutching Anduril, nods seriously): It hasn't matched up to the epicness that is the Return of the King. We have naught to worry.
Gollum: No, my precioussss, they aren't like usss... they aren't closssse to as good as we are, preciousss... gollum gollum! Ssstupid wizardsss and witchessss...
Author's Notes – Okay... bring on the flames. I deserve them. I'll just have to Aguamenti them! Review! xx