Disclaimer: The Glee characters belong to Ryan Murphy, Ian Brennan, and Brad Falchuk, the PSA on which this is based belongs to the brilliant guys at RoosterTeeth. I own Jack and that is it.
The camera switched on in the McKinley High music room and Lauren and Puck looked back into the device.
"Hi," Lauren greeted, "I'm Lauren Zizes of the McKinley High wrestling team and the Glee club: New Directions."
"And I'm Private Rick Eccentric from the same Glee club," Puck declared.
Lauren looked over at her boyfriend, quizzically. "What?"
"It's an adlib," the Jewish boy said, "run with it. Be professional."
Lauren shook her head. "Being in the Glee club and making these videos means we get lots of emails from viewers."
"And also, from collection agencies," Puck added.
"They say things like, 'Great show' or 'you guys are the best'."
"Or 'pay your bill by Friday to avoid disconnection."
"We also get lots of requests for custom videos." Lauren turned to the other camera, "Where people want us to send a special message for someone they know. Things like wedding proposals, or Happy Birthday announcements."
Puck looked over to the same camera and said, "And if we said 'yes' to just one of those videos, we'd have to say 'yes' to making all of them. So, we decided to make videos for every possible occasion."
"That way," Lauren said, "you can tell your friend, girlfriend, or aunt that you paid top dollar for such a unique gift. Actual cost to you: Nothing."
"Suddenly, this seems like a bad idea."
"Too late, Rick, we've already committed." She looked off-camera to Artie. "Roll the videos!"
00000 MARRIAGE PROPOSAL 00000
The scene now changed to the auditorium, Sam Evans standing in front of the camera.
"Hey," he began, "you've been my girlfriend for a really long time now and we've had some really great times together." His eyebrows furrowed together as he remembered other moments. "Don't get me wrong, we've had some okay times, and some really, really horrible times too."
He snapped his fingers in remembrance. "Like that time I did that thing and you were mad at me even though I said I was sorry and then you said you weren't mad about it anymore, but you kept bringing it up every time we got into an argument." He sighed. "I don't think you're over it."
Sam shrugged. "Anyway, I don't think you're too annoying and you don't touch my stuff too much. So, how 'bout we get married?"
As Sam ranted, Mike Chang slipped under the camera and popped up.
"Don't do it!" he shouted.
00000 VOICEMAIL (JACK) 00000
On the campus green,Jack sat on the hood of his car, McClaine, a smug smirk on his face.
"Hi," he said. "You've reached my voicemail. I'm either on the other line or KICKING PUCK IN THE ASS! PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE OR I'LL FIND YOU AND STRANGLE YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP!"
00000 VOICEMAIL (JESSE) 00000
Standing by the piano, Jesse looked into the camera, mugging it for all he was worth.
"Hey," he said, "the douche-bag that you called? Yeah, he's really here. He's just screening his calls right now. So, you can leave a message and see if he deems you important enough to call back, but I wouldn't get my hopes up."
00000 VOICEMAIL (BRITTANY) 00000
In the music room, Brittany looked to Rachel and Santana on the other side of the camera.
"Is, is it recording?" she stammered. "Does the red light mean recording? I thought red lights mean 'stop'."
She nodded. "Okay, are we going now? Are you sure? Okay." She cleared her throat and looked at the camera. "Hello. You have reached –"
It was than the camera choice to run out of film and went black.
00000 VOICEMAIL (ARTIE) 00000
"Can't get to the phone right now," Artie said, sitting in the hallway, "but leave a message if you're a hot chick. If you're not a hot chick, but you know some hot chicks, leave their name and number and I'll call them back. I'll tell 'em ugly sent me. And, if you're a dude, how the hell did you get my number?"
00000 VOICEMAIL (PUCK) 00000
Puck stood on the campus green, looking around suspiciously.
"Leave me a message," he sighed as Jack speared him to the ground and kneed him in the nuts.
00000 HUMAN RESOURCES 00000
"Hey," Puck, now in a suit and tie, said jovially, "I just wanted to let everyone in the company know that they're doing a great job. And you're all the main reason that this company is such a great place to work."
He turned to the other camera, a shadow falling over his face.
"Except you," he snarled. "Everyone hates you and you're fired. And don't bother packing up your desk out. We're just gonna sell all of your stuff on eBay."
00000 HYGENE HELP 00000
"Look," Kurt said, "nobody felt comfortable telling you this, so they asked me to do it. Your breath smells. Or your body. Or something. I don't know. Bottom line: Some part of you stinks and you need to take a bath. Soap is your friend, stinky."
00000 TURNING OVER PLANETARY CONTROL 00000
The entire glee club stood in front of the camera, Jack standing in front of all of them.
"We concede that our species is inferior," he said to the camera, "and we should be assimilated into your culture." The rest of the club nodded in agreement. "We look forward to a lifetime of servitude and not being vaporized or eaten. Thank you, green-skinned, slimy alien masters…" Rachel poked Jack with a pin. "I mean, sir."
00000 INTERVENTIONS 00000
Jack, Finn, and Puck stood in the music room, as if confronting someone.
"Look," Finn said, "we all care about you or something like that."
"I don't," Puck commented in the background.
Finn shook his head. "Look. All this crazy stuff you've been doing lately, it's kind of funny to watch it take place, but eventually you're gonna get to the point where you're gonna need to borrow money from us." His next words were firm, but caring…sort of, "So, we want you to stop right now."
"It's time for tough love, scumbag," Jack said. "Now, drop and give me 12 steps."
00000 GRIM MEDICAL PROGNOSIS 00000
"Hey," Santana said cheerfully, "do you remember that black thing we saw on the X-ray that I said was probably no big deal." The camera pushed in on Santana's face. "Yeah. Turns out it is a big deal. And I'm gonna need you start paying your bill in advance…in cash."
00000 IMINENT NUCLEAR ATTACK 00000
Rachel stood at a podium with the Presidential Seal.
"Okay, now look," she said. "No one told me what this button in my office did. And I probably should've asked before I pressed it, but let's not rehash the past." She rubbed her chin, fumbling for the right words. "Anyway, you've got about 17 minutes before all our homes are destroyed and civilization as we know it comes to an end. My bad."
Rachel started to back away from the podium.
"Anyway, I'm gonna go to the bunker now. See ya'."
She turned before remembering something important.
"Also, please remain calm while you burn to death," she concluded. "God bless America."
"In order to help customize these videos," Lauren said, "we're gonna have Artie read a list of common names that you can insert later. They'll never even know it's a template."
Artie cleared his throat and began reading the list, "Alan, Amy, Andrew, Apple, Babette, Barbara…"
As Artie read the names, which included names like, "Cortana" "Christopher Columbus", "Malcolm X", AND "Malcolm Y", Puck remembered something.
"Oh crap," Puck shouted, "we forgot the happy birthday announcement."
"Oh right," Lauren said. "Happy birthday, jackass. You're one closer to death. Why don't you have some birthday cake and speed the process up!"
With that handled, they left Artie alone as he continued reading.
"…Kim-jong, Orangello, Lamongello, Sneezy, Dopey, Grumpy, Sleepy, Oprah, Queen Elizabeth, Sir Anthony Hopkins, Madonna, Rutger, Jebidiah, Clay Aiken, the Mangaler, Andre the Giant, regular sized Andres, and Your Excellency, The Pope."
"So," Lauren said as she saw the finished product, "you think Berry and Abrams were right about us not doing anymore of these things?"
Puck shrugged. "Honestly?" Laruen nodded. "They might be on to something."
A/N: I hope you guys loved reading this story. It was a little more difficult for me to write, but, in the end, I think it works.
So, review, Constant Reader, because I'll never know how to get better if you don't tell what you think.