22 October 2003

It's been a year….dad died a year ago. I can't tell you how much I miss him. I can't tell you how much I wanted him to be here. I have all these memories in my head...they just keep flashing in my head, as I think of dad. I feel so sorry for you...you never really knew him. I wish you could have know him, so we could laugh about some memories when you are bigger. That will never happen, I only have your mother to laugh about memories. This is my 5th notebook to you, Ella....I promised you to tell you something about Dad, every day a little bit more, starting now. There's so much to tell! So much.....I just don't know where to start. I guess I'll just start, where it ended.

Dad...he died in the afternoon, 22nd of October 2002. We, Elizabeth and me, were with him when he died. Live had left him already, a few hours before he died. He was so different, he wasn't himself when he died. I wish I wasn't there when it happened....it was so hard to see him laying there. I am wondering if I should tell you this, but I guess it's for the best if I tell it like this, I guess I can't tell it to you in the face....without crying. Maybe you don't ever read this notebook, maybe you don't want to know about him, but I can never be sure till you tell me, so I'll just continue.

He was young, 38, when he died. I can't, don't want to, tell the details. Your mother, she loved him to death...she loved him so much, she was heartbroken when he died. She kept holding his hand, she kept looking him in the eyes....she was brave, until he stopped breathing. She just felt into my arms and cryed, she cryed for hours, WE cryed for hours. It was heartbreaking to see your mother that day, I really, really thought she'd never get over him. I hoped she would, but I thought she wouldn't. Elizabeth deserves a good life. That was when he died and a bit of how, let me now just tell you where and why. I think you'll have heared all about it, when you first read this page, but I want to tell you. I want to let you know how I feel about it.

Where..he died at home, fortunately, I couldn't have seen him die in a hospitalbed. In his own bed. In his and Elizabeth's bed. Why....I can't give you an answer to that one. I think it was just God's will. Dad had a tumour, in his brain, it just ate his personality the last few days of his life. He had one before, but they were able to remove it then. But this time, nothing or nobody could help him. Maybe a miracle could, but that didn't happen. I think no-one, can ever give you an answer to the why-part. I keep asking God that question, why?, every time; I miss him, think about him, cry about him, everytime I look at you, i keep wondering why? Why dad? Nobody knows.

I love you. You're so beautiful, you remind me of him. You're asleep next to me, peacefully, you're too young to understand what I am doing, what I am writing, but you'll find out someday.

I will see you tomorrow.

'Night my sweetest Ella.