Whoo, girl. It's been a while.

But today is my birthday and also an opportune moment to surprise you all with an update :D

I haven't answered any reviews yet, but I certainly will!

vanillafantasy, though: I've been sitting here for my entire life with 299 reviews just hoping to reach 300 by the time my birthday came. I didn't think it was going to happen. And I was partially okay with that. But then you fucking reviewed. The day right before my fucking birthday. So now on my birthday, I am at 300 reviews. Thank you. Thank you for unknowingly doing this. THANK YOU.


I got the strangest call that Saturday at three o'clock in the morning. It was from Kenny, and he sounded drunk, but he asked politely: "Could you do me a favor, man?" Someone was screaming in the background loud enough that I could hear something about why the alcohol was gone. There was some shuffling, some banging, a door shutting, and then there was only Kenny's voice.

Rubbing at my eyes as though it'd help my tired brain, I sat up with a feeling that his request was going to require me to leave my house. "Sure, dude," I garbled, stretching an arm and one elbow above my head for that blasted surge of pleasure which unproductively sent me right back into a slumbering position.

"Tweek's wasted and I need you to come get him."

"Oh?" Our conversation was floating now. This was definitely a dream. "Stripe just grew into a giant guinea pirate. Want to switch?"

The sound of the door opening repeated and from far away I heard Kenny calling out for Tweek. He was willing to prove to me that Tweek was currently partying at his house. I sat up again, intrigued. There was more screaming from the same voice as before and I realized that it was the petite blonde's. Oh, wow. He must've been close because Kenny said that I was on the phone, and immediately his voice grew near, slurred and practically incoherent.

"Craig," he cooed excitedly. I imagined him slipping into the room where Kenny was and sliding down the wall, phone pressed tightly against his ear with both hands. "Hi, Craig. Hi, hello. I miss you lots. You're so cute. What are you doing?" He was giggling and Kenny was laughing. I supposed that he was probably sitting next to Tweek with a very accurate idea of exactly what was going on between the two of us.

Tweek had completely blown it. That was okay, though. Kenny could be the exception.

"I miss you too," I told him, knowing that if he was as belligerent as he sounded then I'd have to sweet talk him into this one. He made an awh sound, giggling again in that drunken sort of way, telling Kenny what I'd said. "Tweek." The dainty blonde came back to the phone, humming repeatedly a tangled string of unknown tunes. "I'm going to come get you, alright?"

When he gasped, it held all of the intoxicated wonderment of the world. "Are you going to party with me?"

Already throwing on some jeans, I felt for my keys in the back of my pocket and then began to head out the door. The stairs felt like clouds. I wasn't nearly awake enough for this. "No, we're going to come back to my place and go to sleep, alright?"

"But I'm having fun!" I could see his dazed eyes and pout in my head. "Kenny, Craig doesn't want me to have any fun." His voice broke, signaling that he was definitely partied out if he was going to start crying. Kenny was trying to reassure him, but the blonde hiccuped and told him to shut up with an unforgiving attitude. If he'd been like that for a majority of the night, then I understood why Kenny had called.

"I want you to have fun," I assured him. "We're going to have fun, Tweek." He stopped sniffling, perking up at the idea of having fun with me apparently. "We're going to party at my house, okay?" In my imagined version of him, he was nodding his head vigorously. He must've gotten too dedicated about agreeing wholeheartedly with me because it sounded suddenly as though he lost balance and ran himself into a wall. Kenny was in hysterics with laughter.

Downstairs, the light was on in the kitchen. As I was passing by, I saw Ruby digging through the fridge with one of her little friends ransacking the pantry. "Where are you going?" She asked, watching me stride through the room. I contritely told her that Tweek was wasted and promptly left the house.

The cold hurt my nude torso and inside of my car it was even worse because the chill was stagnant. "I'm on my way, alright?" I informed Tweek through our connection, backing out of my driveway. "Do you want to stay on the phone until I get you?"

"Yeah!" He exclaimed, immediately telling Kenny, "Craig's going to stay on the phone with me! He's so sweet. He's so sweet, Kenny, you have no idea. I like him so much. I like you so much, Craig." Kenny was still laughing, harder now, probably drunk off his ass all the same. "It's okay if you don't like me back. It's okay, really. Just as long as you don't think I'm ugly, I'm okay with whatever. I really am, Craig. Craig, are you still on the phone? Please don't hang up on me."

"I'm still here, Tweek." God, he sure knew how to be a fucking sweetheart. There was this apparent level of vulnerability to him, more so when he was drunk than ever. "And I don't think you're ugly." He chirped that he knew, that I thought he was unique. "You are," I said, idly annoyed that I was stopped at a red light. A red light in the middle of the night when no cars were around. I ran it. "You're even better than that, okay? I think you're very pretty."

Tweek hummed delightedly, proclaiming that I was pretty as well. That even though I was a werewolf, he still liked me anyways. It was a strange tidbit that I figured was just some brainless slur. As he continued to say some of these things, I wondered how embarrassed he was going to be tomorrow or if he would even remember. Kenny would certainly remind him, if not me. He was rambling on about anything he could, saying things I hadn't even been aware that he was thinking, talking about me like there wasn't anybody on the other line. I was, though. Listening while completely sober, completely cognizant, and retaining everything that could be deduced from his intoxicated slur.

There came some rustling and what sounded like the phone dropping. I pictured the blonde rolling around on the floor mindlessly. His voice returned eventually asking, "Craig, when you get here, can I kiss you? Like, can you come up to this room? Because Thomas can't see. He can't know. Like, he can't—but I want to kiss you."

"That's not a good idea, Tweekers. We can wait outside and you'll see Craig then," Kenny explained from the muted silence in the background. His rejection negatively riled up the other who whimpered as though the situation were unfair. "If he comes inside, Thomas will see. He won't know if Craig stays outside, okay? Now let me pick you up. You can't walk."

The wasted blonde giggled, insisting in a classically drunk way that he could walk just fine. In fact, he thought sometimes the alcohol cured him! He didn't stutter as much and his jitters became unlikelyYeah, he was wasted.

"Listen to Kenny, Coffee Bean." He mumbled something about loving that nickname and not because it was just genuinely cute but because it'd come from me. "You can kiss me all you want, alright? Thomas won't find out," I confirmed, allowing him special privileges because he was drunk. I was treating him the same way I did my family when they were sick. And Clyde, sick or not sick. I knew how to baby people, how to take care of them, and I was fucking good at it. No cold fucked with my family. No alcohol was going to fuck with Tweek, either.

Rounding a corner, I started down Kenny's street and saw a few cars parked outside his house. His place was the only one with the lights still on, and shadows cast by the drunks inside were shifting across the window curtains, melding and transforming and separating. I couldn't hear any music but I was positive that it was playing somewhere inside.

As I attempted to tell him that I was here, the blonde interjected me and screamed ecstatically that "Craig is here—he's here here, like right outside" to Kenny.

At the same time I listened to his exclamation, the front door opened and music pilfered out through the ajar threshold. It quieted immediately once the more stable of the two closed the door. I ended the call and watched in amusement as the two waded into the cold without much balance to each other or their feet.

I kept my car running with my keys in the ignition and popped open the passenger door to make this predicament easier. We met half way where I thought This is it, remarkably so. Kenny was looking at me with expectancy and I was staring back at him with an answer. Tweek and I had kept our odd secret from him for six months. It was an honorable feeling to know that he hadn't been informed for such a long time, that I was a part of his investigation and the only reason he'd found out was because Tweek had drunkenly admitted to it. I felt powerful for all of a mere moment before Tweek latched himself onto my body.

There was no warning or split-second moment to expand on what was going to happen, just the petite blonde's arms around my neck and his face rubbing ungracefully against my throat, rocky motions that were most likely uncontrollable. His skin was hot with an inebriated glow, and he shifted his hand to find purchase against my shoulder were he must've noticed that I wasn't wearing anything but jeans. My bare skin was an instant catalyst and he moved quickly, grabbing my jaw to direct our mouths into a haphazard kiss.

The movement of his lips was random and offbeat, not corresponding to my own, but he was drunk and thought nothing of it. I actually found it quite humorous, the way his teeth nipped too hard and his tongue didn't know where to go or what to do, reacting merely on thoughtless impulse. It was cute. I couldn't keep the smirk from entering our kiss at the way he wouldn't let me lure our mouths into a more seamless motion.

"Dude," Kenny laughed. "You're not in the safe zone, yet." But Tweek refused to listen, stepping on my feet to lessen our proximity. "He was not like this before you came around, Craig. I hope you're aware of that."

"Mhmm," I acknowledged, turning my head to remove my mouth from his. My rejection didn't deter the blonde as he began peppering my jaw with sloppy kisses. In an attempt to step closer, he found no purchase against my legs, and slipped.

Faster than I could react, Tweek was on his butt and in the snow, giggling giddily as he rolled around, most likely unable to do anything more than that. He certainly couldn't stand. "Craig," he crowed, burrowing his arms into the snow, satisfied when they were completely covered. "It's c-cold!"

"That's because you just stuck your arms into the snow, Tweek." Bending down, I grabbed his limbs out from his frozen blanket and hauled him to his feet. His body was nothing but limp, dead weight like a one hundred pound noodle. Anywhere I placed him, he flopped back around until he was falling down again. "Alright, dude. Stiffen up a bit."

Behind me, Kenny started snickering. Tweek mimicked the sound shortly after. "But we're not in the safe zone yet, Craig," he giggled, hiccuping in my arms as he made a full body roll into my chest.

I didn't blame the other blonde for handing over this one. He was definitely going to be a handful tonight.

My expectations were proven right when, as I explained to him that we were going to my car, he screamed at me and plugged my nose. There was absolutely no rationality to this, although Kenny, significantly far from sober, cracked up like he understood this drunken sign language exceptionally well.

After that, Tweek pulled away from me and began wobbling toward my car in the only way he knew how to get there successfully and it was by chanting "I" and "like" every step, followed by pointing at me when he took another and declared "you." He did that all the way to my car where he transitioned to whimpering about the temperature again.

To alleviate himself, he tugged his sweater over his head and lost his balance, nose diving back into the snow. The blonde crawled to the open door of the vehicle while laughing hysterically because Kenny was laughing, the traitorous bastard. Having watched Tweek for that short amount of time, I already regretted taking him off Kenny's hands.

The more coherent of the two blondes was currently toppled over, balancing against my side as he heaved in a fit of unconquerable laughter. He was crying something about how hilarious the other boy was, beating at his knee for emphasis. His emotion was so honest that I couldn't keep from smiling, a hand across my eyes to contain these feelings.

"It's great," he wheezed, straightening out before falling into another explosion of laughter. He was pointing a finger at my car. I could honestly say that I was a little bit scared of what I'd see, and when it turned out to be nothing, I automatically figured that Kenny was just as wasted as Tweek.

And then I realized that there was nothing there. Tweek was gone.

"He disappeared!" Kenny laughed, slapping me in the chest instead of his abused leg. What...the fuck. "He was there—then gone!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I told him, heading toward my car.

"It was the seat!" He choked out, following. "Tweek was sitting in the seat, pulled the seat lever, and he fell backwards and disappeared! He looked so surprised, dude. Oh my god—he didn't know what was happening."

The only thing I could think was Somebody help me. These two were fucking idiots, and as I approached my car, I saw that Tweek was gasping with laughter as well, situated all crookedlike in his newly reclined seat. Please.

"Are you coming with us?" I asked Kenny, motioning him into the back when he wholly agreed. Tweek clapped his hands together as I realigned his seat, his equilibrium now completely shot. He reached out and combed his fingers through my hair which made buckling him in difficult.

As I tried to leave, he grabbed onto my head and roughly kissed my mouth. His body strained against the thick fabric tying him down. Smiling against my lips, he asked, "You care?" His voice was small and sweet, even with the alcohol contorting his breath. I figured he was talking about how I'd buckled him in, nodding my head so I could use it as an excuse to pull away.

"Of course I care. Especially when you're drunk and I get to be your guardian at three in the morning." Making sure his fingers weren't anywhere near the door, I shut it and made my way back to the other side of my car. I glanced at him as I ducked into my seat to see him smiling dumbly, completely out of it, and right at me. It would've been creepy had be not been so drunk. Backing out, I started home.

"How much do you care?" He asked, almost fully turned so he could stare at me head-on. He was shivering, obviously not himself or even human for that matter, because he continued to sit there as though nothing were wrong.

"I care a lot," I said, humoring his question. And then I waited for a red light before I leaned over and turned all the air vents toward him so he could warm up.

Humming appreciatively, he rephrased his inquiry. "How much is a lot?"

"A lot," I mused, rapping my fingers against the steering wheel. Tweek was putting me under a little bit of pressure, ogling at me with wide eyes and a gullible mind. He was incredibly fragile, drunk as he was. I had to be careful with my answer. "Remember when you said that you'd be disappointed if we stopped kissing?" The blonde nodded quickly, eyes slipping out of focus for a moment. "So would I."

As though he could lessen its brilliance, Tweek bit his lip when he smiled, a look of which I happened to catch when I glanced over at him before returning my eyes to the road. From next to me, Kenny's head popped up. "Damn, Craig. What has my little Tweek done to you? You're so adorable," he crooned.

Tweek immediately commented on that. "I know, right?" Their talk made no sense. Mellowing his stare into one of fondness, he added, "He has his moments." It was strange how proud he seemed. Nobody should've underestimated my ability to be cute since obviously I was goddamn good at it.

"Tweek's been working me pretty hard over the last couple of months," I said.

"Months?" Kenny echoed.

We hid it quite nicely, didn't we, Kenny? I thought smugly, turning into my driveway.

"Six months," Tweek clarified, cherishing the number.

The instant my car came to a stop, the belligerent blonde was tumbling out and into the snow, sweater forgotten on the floor. He started laughing a notch too loud, rolling toward my house when he realized he couldn't walk. I intended to slap a hand over his mouth as I quickly removed my keys, idly listening to Kenny when he sniggered, "He's been counting the months, Craig. That's a commitment."

On the way to the front door, I stopped by Tweek and lugged him to his feet, half dragging him as he boisterously screamed something about needing a warm bath and a big cup of coffee. Inside, I gagged him with my hand and kicked the door shut behind Kenny. It was in the kitchen where Ruby and her friend were snacking on microwavable TV dinners that I lost control of the blonde. He stumbled up to the two girls, suddenly the social butterfly that I'm sure he's always wanted to be.

Ruby gawked at me, a fork sticking out of her mouth as the shy blonde boy she'd always thought of as her brother's silent friend turned into a talkative contraption full of slurred speech and unstable balance. There was literally nothing but garbled nonsense blundering from his mouth as he tried to introduce himself to Ruby's friend. The girl giggled and shook Tweek's hand when he practically ripped it from her lap.

"Keep him busy," I ordered, drifting into coffee mode as I fired up the beverage machine.

I'm not awake enough for this.

I have coffee grounds that I bought specifically just for Tweek.

My bed is so close. It's calling me.

I think this is a serious problem.

Stripe's so alone up there in the dark by himself.

Daddy's coming soon, baby. Don't worry.

All of these thoughts were storming through my head and the coffee wasn't coming out fast enough and I could hear Tweek blubbering away behind me and Kenny was laughing about something again and I just hadn't been made to deal with people so high strung.

At one point, Tweek slid behind me and wrapped his arms around my torso, chest flat against my back. Comfortable just breathing there, one of his legs gave out and the only thing keeping him up were his limbs seemingly glued to my skin. For being wasted, he had a surprisingly unbreakable hold. He must've thought he was still talking to Ruby because he kept mumbling something about "Your brother's so nice, he's so nice, Craig's so nice."

When his coffee was ready, I poured it into a mug and peeled his hands off my chest. I turned around and placed the steaming mug into his hands, holding my own over his and warning him that he had to be very careful, that taking care of this cup was his job for the night and breaking it would be very bad. "Do you understand?"

It didn't appear as though he did. He was more interested in staring at our hands, smiling down at them. I couldn't even see his, my own were too big. "You need to tell me that you understand, Tweek."

"Mhmm. Mhmm. Mhmm." Along with the elongated hums, he nodded his head, giggling when his stomach must've dropped.

Nope. There was no way I would be trusting him with a cup of hot coffee. "Do you even want this?"

He cried out "Yes!" to which I had to force the cup against his lips just to shut him up. It was painful watching him chug it, the hot coffee.

Still at the table, conversing with my sister and her friend, was Kenny who I made eye contact with. Inclining my chin toward the staircase, the two of us began to move. Tweek followed, a finger hooked through one of my belt loops. As we left, I distinctly heard Ruby's friend ask whether or not I was gay. Kenny cuffed my shoulder to let me know he'd heard it as well. Wonderful.

Things felt safer once we'd reached my room. It wasn't that I cared about getting caught with the blondes. I'd shown up at home drunk before. It was more out of respect because there was no reason why my parents needed to be woken up so early in the morning. Flicking on my light, I wandered over to Stripe and apologized for how bipolar tonight was and would end up being. He didn't mind, stowing away inside of his plastic dome to give me the privacy he figured I wanted. At least that's what I interpreted it as.

Tweek and Kenny were already sprawled out on my bed when I turned around. There was an empty cup of coffee laying on the floor. "Nobody look," I warned. "I'm getting naked." My pants were already undone when a belated question straggled out of Tweek. He found me with his eyes, confused. For emphasis, I tugged on the flaps of my jeans and said, "I'm unleashing my dick. If you don't turn away now, boners will be imminent."

"I-I," Tweek stuttered, lost for a moment before determinedly looking away. "They would not." But his cheeks were glowing and it wasn't only because of his intoxication. Kenny's face was buried in my bed and his shoulders were shaking with laughter.

"Are you challenging me?" I asked, meaning to tease the drunk boy from earlier, but he'd been replaced by this stubborn thing.

"You're a liar."

"Then watch me," I said briefly. "But I can guarantee your pants will tent."

"N-no," he sputtered. "No. You're not that attractive."

Kenny rolled over, enjoyment etched deep into his features.

"No?" I repeated, sauntering toward him with my jeans undone. "I'm just your first big crush? Plain old Craig Tucker?"

"You're not just plain old Craig Tucker." He started giggling again, rolling over until he was half on top of Kenny. "I would say something," he announced spitefully. "But I don't want to give you a boner."

Kenny gave me a look, his brows arched high. "It's possible to turn Craig on?"

The look Tweek gave me was flirtatiously threatening. We both knew what he was talking about. "Uh huh," he affirmed.

Eyes narrowing dangerously, I forbid him with the slight shake of my head that speaking of my weakness was not going to happen. He grinned insatiably, obviously thinking otherwise. My next step toward the bed was supposed to scare him into obedience. It didn't work. His laughter pilfered through the room, triggering Kenny's curiosity.

"Share this discovery of yours," he suggested to Tweek. The giggling blonde's eyes flickered between Kenny and mine.

Watching closely, I caught the mischievous bite of his lip and, just as he opened his mouth to give away my secret, I lunged at him.

A shriek was the only thing he managed to get out. That's when I had him from around the waist, lifted, and heaved onto the other side of my bed. On his back, he laughed boisterously, attempting to crawl onto his stomach but I was there before he could manage that, trapping him against my bed by his arms, legs straddling his waist.

"You just manhandled me!" He guffawed, twisting his wrists to no avail. It took one look at my body for him to shut up, giggles simmering away until nothing was left but his large, ogling eyes.

My jeans had ridden low, loose as they were, and it was noticeable the way my happy trail thickened the closer it got to my groin. I wasn't even completely revealed and he could barely handle me. Tweek got worked up so easily. His gaze flickered up to my own where he saw my knowing look, causing him to squawk out a speedy, "Okay! You win!"

Letting him go, I rolled sideways, just barely avoiding his pummeling fist that was too uncoordinated to make an impact, and landed on top of Kenny. The air rushed out of him, thoroughly delighting me. He shoved me off of him and I let the momentum of his push lure me off the side of the bed.

In that moment, my jeans snagged, and when I landed on the ground I called out, "Pants are off!"

I replaced them with a pair of sweats. When I got back to bed, Tweek had his mouth flush against Kenny's ear.

"You motherfucker," I accused, half growling.

"I'm sorry!" He cried.

Aware of how futile his apology was, he jumped to the opposite side of my bed as though he could escape me, but he was drunk and unstable and quickly took to falling like I had just seconds before. Our only difference was how graceless his plunge was. And his pants stayed on.

By the time I came around to his side, he was halfway beneath my bed and laughing hysterically. Grabbing Tweek by the ankles, I dragged him backwards, relishing in his frightened howl. He continued to spew apologies even when I covered his mouth with my hand and pretended to smash his head against my wall. When I thought he'd had enough, I peeled my fingers away and glowered down at him.

"C-can I tell you something?" He asked, grabbing my hand so he could wrap my arm around his shoulders. We were sitting on the floor next to Stripe. Tweek was half in my lap and he scooted closer, wrapping his legs around my waist for what might've been balance, but I doubted that. I hummed to let him know that I was listening. Quietly so as to keep the request from reaching Kenny's ears, he said, "You should manhandle me more often."


Turns out he never even told Kenny the secret to turning me on. He was just a very convincing drunk. That or I was honestly terrified of anyone else finding out.

It was just that I wanted my full name to be Tweek's thing. His and no one else's.