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A/N: Okay, so I want to tell you that as this story progresses there will be some changes in the plot and a few added scenes never before read in the original version of this story! Back when I first wrote this story I was extremely scared of offending someone's religion by writing this but after so much support I finally finished it. I rushed through it, however, so now I'm going to take the time to write it the way it deserved to be written. Thank you to those who are returning and also to those giving it a first time read.
I stared at the rosary in the palm of my hand. I was supposed to be praying for guidance from his holy father. I was supposed to be considering what was right and what was wrong. I was expected to make a decision soon.
A decision that could not only alternate my life here on earth but possibly the verdict on my soul once I left this world behind me. Was I truly listening to my heart and to my heavenly father? Or was this just Satan's way of tempting me away from my true calling?
How was I expected to know the answers to these questions? I was after all just a mortal man. I knew I was guilty of committing many sins these last few months. I also knew I had no one to blame but myself. I should have been stronger. I should've held onto my faith and honored my vows.
Yet I could not find it in my heart to regret those bittersweet moments I spent in her company. I knew we had been wicked for what we had done. I knew we were going against everything I had held so high in my heart and my soul. Yet I wasn't strong enough for the both of us.
I know that Bella doesn't believe she did anything wrong and I have prayed to you God to forgive her despite her resistance to understand it was wrong no matter what our hearts felt.
Bella, my sweet vixen. The girl, no the woman, has grown up to be someone I never imagined I would look at with such need and desire. I never wanted to look at her like that. I wanted to keep her pure in my heart and my mind. I wanted to see all of her dreams come true for her but I feared I am not the one to help her accomplish those goals.
Oh God, how did this happen to me? I was always good and loyal to you and our cause. I was always faithful to you and to my brothers. How did this one woman come back into my life and turn it completely upside down? How did I let go of my beliefs so easily just to touch her flesh? How was it possible that out of all the women I had encountered in the ten years I trained and studied that this one led me astray?
What do I do God? Do I walk away from everything that I had sweated, sacrificed, and loved more than anything in this world to be a part of just to stand by her side and to be able to call her mine?
How do you know which path you should take? I know that Father Michael believes that if look within I will find the answers. I have looked within and all I still find is confusion. I can see myself happy on either path. I could live out the rest of my days working to get out your word Father or I could be the man she desires and needs in her life. The choice is just too damn unbearable to make.
I am angry that I have to choose at all. I know it is greedy and selfish for me to continue my life in this church while my body longs for her touch. I know I can't keep performing this sin against you with her. It's not fair to you or to her.
Either way I feel as if I will be condemned to hell. If I walk away from you Father will I lose my place in heaven by your side? If I walk away from her will my heart ever truly be in this church or will it always long for her? How can I give you all of me when there is a big part of me now in her?
How did I let this happen to me? How did I slip away from such pure love as you have shown me?
Father, I have sinned against you. What do I do? What do YOU want me to do? God, where is your voice? What can't I feel your presence?
Have I've already lost my place in this church? Have you already turned against me? No, that's impossible my God wouldn't ever abandon me even if I have left the flock. Forgive me father! I'm a weak man.
I have done the unthinkable and fallen from grace for the love of one woman who I would trade my soul to keep.