Author's Note: Due to severe bad assery in the final movie, Neville Longbottom has replaced Chuck Norris. From around the web I have gathered only a few of the jokes people have altered to suit our new favorite snake killing Gryffindor. Credit to their creators, various websites and Google. There will be more chapters put up with more jokes, so stay tuned.


1. Chuck Norris' boggart is Neville Longbottom.

2. Neville pisses Felix Felicis.

3. If Grindewald and Voldemort were to get into a fight, Neville Longbottom would win.

4. Neville is one-eighth centaur. This has nothing to do with bloodlines; he once ate an entire centaur.

5. Neville Longbottom sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled bad-ass wizarding ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Neville Expelliarmus'd the devil's ass and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play Exploding Snap every second Wednesday of the month.

6. The sorting hat is no longer used at Hogwarts; students are sorted based on how long it takes to cry in the presence of Neville Longbottom.

7. When Harry and Ginny's children were conceived, Ginny was thinking of Neville. So was Harry.

8. If you spell "Neville Longbottom" in Scrabble, it's an automatic win.

9. Bellatrix never actually tortured Neville's parents. She just threatened to kill their son and they laughed themselves into insanity.

10. Even though it was difficult getting four dragons for the Triwizard Tournament, officials decided it was safer than the original plan of using Neville Longbottom.

11. If you're looking for Neville on the Marauder's Map, he's labeled "BAMF".

12. They said Dumbledore was the only man Voldemort was afraid of. They were wrong.

13. They were going to release a Neville Longbottom version of Clue, but the answer always turned out to be "Neville Longbottom in the courtyard with a sword".

14. Merlin got an Order of Neville, third class.

15. Neville Longbottom cut off the Hog's Head. He was practicing for Nagini.