Disclaimer: I do not own Fox, Glee, Kurt, Blaine, so don't sue.
Totally random idea that popped into my head which I shall now impart unto you all. Basically, Kurt and Blaine live together in NYC and are returning home to Lima via automobile and for whatever reason our favorite countertenor has went and got himself wasted. Enjoy.
Blaine Anderson wasn't a fan of Wal-Mart. The parking lots were crazy, the people were crazier and it seemed that every time he went inside one, he came out wishing that he hadn't bothered going in. In other words, it wasn't exactly a chore to stay away from them. Or at least, it was easy to avoid them when your very drunk boyfriend wasn't trying to run you both off the road by constantly trying to shove his hands down your pants as he begged you to pull over and fuck him. And when you finally give in to do just that, you come to find that, well, damn, we forgot to pack a bottle of lube, so that takes care of that. But all he keeps saying is, "Please, Blaine, please. I neeeeed it" and then he mentions that Wal-Mart Super Center you passed by only just ten minutes ago ("Just ten minutes, Blaine!") and you're horny as hell so you listen. Like an idiot.
And that was why Blaine was currently traipsing through some random Wal-Mart in some unknown state at - he checked his watch - two o'clock in the morning when they were supposed to be on the road, making their way towards Lima Ohio to see their families for the first time in over six months. And Kurt, who was drunk off his gourd, was trailing behind him, waddling like a duck and singling Popular from Wicked horribly off key.
"Baby," Blaine said softly, as he glanced back at his boyfriend, "why are you walking like that?"
Kurt abruptly stopped singing and tiptoed over to Blaine, his legs still spread wide. "Because," he whispered as he glanced around with wide eyes, "it hurts."
"My PENIS!" Kurt yelled quite possibly at the top of his lungs. A woman standing nearby guffawed loudly.
"Shh!" Blaine shushed Kurt as he jerked him away from the now chortling woman. Jesus fuck. Why in the hell had he let Kurt talk him into this?
"First I'm gonna deep throat you and then, after that, after I deep throat you, I want you to fuck me so hard that it makes my teeth chatter."
Eye on the prize, Anderson, Blaine told himself as he looked for an aisle label that might indicate there being a supply of sexual lubricants stocked on its shelves. Just get the lube and then you can get the hell out of here.
The sudden impact of Kurt launching himself onto Blaine's back caused the ex-Warbler to stumble forward. "Fu - Kurt!" Throwing a hand out, Blaine managed to steady himself on a nearby sales rack before he face planted.
The drunken twenty-two year old giggled and kissed Blaine's cheek. "Hi, Blaine," he said happily, sounding quite proud of himself.
Well, damn. If that wasn't the cutest thing ever then Blaine would eat his shoes. Only Kurt could be that frigging adorable while being ass-in-your-face obnoxious. "Why did you jump on me, baby?" Blaine asked in the tone of voice one might use when talking to an overindulgent five year old. He wrapped his arms under Kurt's legs to better support the younger boy's weight.
Kurt giggled again and shifted around a bit to get comfortable. "My penis is very hard. Like hard, hard. That's your fault. You made it that way. And it reeeally, reeeeally hurts when I walk. I mean, have you seen these pants I'm wearing?"
Kurt was just going to love hearing about this tomorrow. "Well, I'm sorry."
He felt Kurt shrug. "It's okay. You're gonna fuck me and make it better," he said huskily and Blaine felt Kurt thrust his erection against his back.
Blaine groaned low, once again extremely conscious of the tightness of his own pants. He needed to find that lube and quick before he did something that would get him arrested for engaging in lewd and lascivious behavior in a public place.
Locating the pharmaceutical aisles, Blaine took off in that direction with Kurt still on his back as he tried his best to ignore the feel of Kurt's tongue on his neck.
Damn it. Now he was walking funny. And the effect was only made worse by the fact that he was carrying a person who was taller than he was. If Kurt had been walking like a duck then Blaine was walking like a duck with a pole shoved up its ass. They were certainly getting a number of odd looks and double takes.
As soon as he reached the correct aisle, Blaine immediately began scanning the shelves for personal lubricants. However, it was a bit difficult to concentrate with Kurt dry humping his lower back. "Kurt. You have to get down. I'll be able to look faster," Blaine explained as he let go of Kurt's legs. Kurt whined but did as Blaine instructed. "You wont have to walk. Just stand there."
Kurt looked anything but happy and Blaine kissed his cheek to placate him before turning to resume his search.
No, no, no, n - there! Grabbing the first bottle he saw that didn't have any odd scents or effects, Blaine turned to get Kurt. Now they could leave and-
Where the hell was Kurt?
Groaning, Blaine ran out of the aisle, turning his head in every direction as he searched for his missing boyfriend and sincerely hoped that he wouldn't find him jerking off somewhere. He could not handle a repeat of the Piggly Wiggly incident of last year.
The sound of Kurt's voice coming from the opposite direction he was headed in brought Blaine to a halt. Turning so fast it made him a little dizzy, Blaine sprinted towards the familiar voice until he finally found Kurt in the linens aisle.
With a truly appalled look plastered on his attractive face, Kurt pointed and accusatory finger at the shoes of a tall blonde woman standing near him. "Do you have any idea just how much of a travesty that is?" he demanded.
The blonde glared. "Probably no worse than the boner you're sporting right now," the woman said in a disgusted tone. Blaine groaned and hurried over to the couple. Damn Kurt and his tendency to wear skin tight, sexy as hell pants.
But Kurt only shook his head sadly at the woman. "Honey, there is nothing worse than a neon yellow sock and Velcro sandal combo."
"I'm sorry, but I don't think what I choose to wear is any of your business."
Kurt scoffed. "It is when I have to look at it."
"Kurt," Blaine hissed as he grabbed his boyfriend by the bicep. "What are you doing?"
"Trying to save myself and our fellow Wal-Mart shoppers from exposure to an eyesore."
The woman's draw dropped in abject outrage.
"I'm so sorry," Blaine said in a rush. "He's drunk."
"Who the hell are you?" she asked Blaine.
Before he could explain, Kurt proudly stated, "This is my Blaine. First I'm going to deep throat him and then he's going to fuck me."
"So sorry!" Blaine blurted before rushing off, dragging Kurt along behind him by the wrist. He glared down at his surprisingly still fully erect cock. "This is all your fault," he told it.
"Blaine, are you talking to your penis?"
"Of course not, baby."
When they finally neared the checkout area, Blaine cursed his rotten luck when he saw that all of the female cashiers had a line that ran twenty miles long. Well, shit.
It was almost three AM. Didn't these people sleep?
"Oh, oh, Blaine, there's one that's open!" Kurt said, running to perhaps the butchest guy in the store. Great.
Putting the sole bottle of lube on the conveyor belt, Blaine tried his best to look nonchalant, which was kind of hard with Kurt giggling incessantly.
"So…" the cashier - Ted, according to his name tag - began in a slow drawl, "are you guys, like, gay?"
Blaine sighed. "Are you seriously asking me that?"
Ted The Cashier shrugged and rang up the bottle. "Ten thirteen." Blaine handed him a twenty and Ted set to work on getting Blaine's change. "'Cause if you are that's, like, totally cool with me."
"Glad we have you're permission, then," he said, a bit snippy. Obviously he was spending way too much time with Kurt.
As soon as they exited the store, Blaine took a moment to take a deep breath of fresh air, already feeling one hundred percent calmer. I am never setting foot in a Wal-Mart again.
Kurt hugged him from behind and nuzzled his neck. "Can you carry me again, Blaine?" he asked and Blaine smiled because Kurt was usually less affectionate when sober.
"Hop on," he said, bracing himself. With a little "woopie!" Kurt jumped on Blaine's back and Blaine piggybacked his boyfriend to the car.
"Babe, you have to get down again so I can open the door. Kurt. Kurt?" Blaine cranked his neck to look over his shoulder. You've got to be kidding me. With his mouth wide open, Kurt drooled on Blaine's shoulder, dead asleep. Well, that just figured.
Sighing, Blaine bent over a little so he could free one of his hands without dropping Kurt. After a bit of a struggle, Blaine located the bleep-bleep (the technical term, of course) and unlocked the car. Carefully, he deposited the younger boy in the front seat without waking him and strapped him in before walking over to the driver side and climbing in. After throwing the bag with the lube in it in the back seat, Blaine started the car.
"At least you keep me amused," Blaine said softly as he studied Kurt's face made even more boyish in sleep. He was beautiful. Leaning over, Blaine kissed Kurt's forehead. "I love you," he whispered.
"Love…too, Blaine," Kurt mumbled in his sleep and Blaine smiled, unable to bring himself to be annoyed with Kurt for falling asleep. His erection was throbbing, painful even, and though he suspected denying himself relief might result in future erectile dysfunction, Kurt's reaction to all of this the next morning would be more than worth it.
Poor Blaine… Kurt left him high and dry.
Tell me what you guys think.
I'm juggling with the idea of making this into a multi-chapter featuring a bunch of random drunk!Klaine drabbles. I'm kind of wondering myself what happened with Kurt in the Piggly Wiggly last year…