Talk To Spooky!
Chapter Five-A: When Maniacs Attack - Why Not To Trip Over A Toilet

"Damn it! This makes me look so friggin' fat!" With an upset look on her face, Tenna tossed the fuzzy black sweater to the cluttered floor of her apartment, a sense of worry gnawing at her gut. "Ugh...I feel like a tapeworm is snacking away at the scrumpy meat of m' stomach..." She placed a hand on her bare, dark abdomen and frowned, jet black hair hanging limply around her face as she threw herself onto her eerily clean sofa, legs dangling off the back of it. Her black jogging pants were creased and, aside from her yellow sports bra, the only thing she was wearing. "I have no idea what I'm going to wear!"

"Well," Devi started dryly, nudging a pile of Bruce Lee movies out of her way carefully, well knowing her best friend's fetish for martial arts films, "I think we can clearly cross out the jogging pants you're wearing at the moment. I doubt any self-respecting fancy restaurant would let you in wearing those." As Tenna started to protest, sitting up, she held her hand up in a 'stop' motion. "Come on, get real," she said pointedly. "You know as well as I do that there will be some kind of dress code."

Tenna sighed and sank back down, playing with a few strands of her short hair. "Man, I don't want to screw this up." She glanced across at Gaz, who was curled up in an embarrassingly soft easy-chair that sank to the floor, her fingers flying over the buttons on her GameSlave VII. "I mean, he's the first guy I've ever been comfortable enough around to be myself. Kind of like I can tell him anything."

Devi snorted and rolled her eyes. "Yeah, and look where that got me," she muttered.

Her attention characteristically switching unexpectedly, Tenna turned her head towards the frowning woman. "Johnny doesn't seem too bad," she said encouragingly, sitting up and plopping Spooky into her lap, "why don't you like him?"

The taller of the two stared at her, then looked at Gaz, who still wasn't paying attention, then at GIR quietly coloring outside the lines in a 'Beauty and the Beast' coloring book. "Okay," she began calmly, mentally ordering herself to keep from smacking Tenna several swift blows across the top of her head, "let me put this in terms you'll understand."

Tenna frowned minutely.

"In most cultures," Devi continued, "an attempt to disembowel someone after you try to kiss them is generally consider a huge, whoppin' 'I-hate-your-guts-so-now-I'll-spill-them.' Y'know, like a really 'Silence of the Lambs' type of rejection."

Blinking and crossing her legs, mindful to keep from hurting Spooky, Tenna appeared to be in deep thought for a moment. "Oh," she said thoughtfully. " need to get out more?"

Devi threw up her hands and, stumbling over a copy of 'Rumble in the Bronx' lying next to a worn paperback of 'Great Expectations,' paced over to the unidentifiable pile of clothing she hoped was Tenna's cleaned clothes. Sticking her hand in it, she grabbed on to the first thing she closed her fist around, yanking it out and throwing it at Tenna's head, where it wrapped itself around her face. Ignoring her screams of "The pants are attacking me! The pants!!" and the sound of struggling, she removed her hand and spied the alien shirt her currently involved best friend had 'borrowed' from Dib. Pfft, yeah, right.

"Why don't you wear the alien shirt?" she suggested, idly tossing that over her shoulder as well.

Tenna, having finally defeated the Pants Menace, looked up, in horror, to find that a shirt was now lunging at her. "Oh, shiiiii---" The shirt smacked her face and she grappled with it, much to the utter entertainment of GIR. Considering she never finished her cry, it can be assumed that she was either going to say 'oh shit' or 'oh shirts of DOOM.'

"For the love of Irk!" Gaz exploded, setting her GameSlave VII down with great tenderness before stalking over to the flailing girl-woman and ripping the shirt off of her face. "I can't play my game with you shrieking every other minute!" She paused, holding the shirt in her hands as Tenna and Devi stared at her; GIR had grown bored with the proceedings and was currently attempting to arm wrestle the blender in the adjoined kitchenette. "I've obviously been spending far too much time with Zim!" she finished, dropping the shirt on Tenna's head and stiffly walking back to the chair, elegantly picking up her GameSlave VII and resuming her frenzied, bloodshot-eyed assault on vampire piggies.

A sudden whoop of "Oh yeah! I did it! Ohhhhh yeah!" coming from the kitchenette alerted all that, somehow, someway, GIR had defeated the blender in arm wrestle battle. Spooky made an inquisitive squeek from its position in Tenna's lap and she patted its head absently.

"It's perfectly possible, Spooky," she assured it. "I've arm wrestled the toaster fives times before. Damn thing wins every time."

Gaz hunched her shoulders in order to block, or at least muffle, the noise. How the hell was she supposed to rain horribly stake-like vengeance upon the empire of the doomed, freakish vampire piggies if she couldn't concentrate?! Curse the vampire piggies and their vampire piggy-like piggy-ness!

Devi decided she wasn't going to ask because she really didn't need to know how one arm wrestles with cooking appliances, and instead settled for revenge. Revenge is cool!

"So, in payback for all the times you've grilled me before a date," Devi stated sweetly, perching herself on the sofa arm as Tenna popped her head through the shirt, "I've decided to ask you all sorts of meaningless questions."

"Okey dokey!" the girl on the sofa chirped. "Bring it on, woman!"

Crap. "So, what's your favorite part in a relationship?" Devi questioned, wishing she had a gift for inane questions.

Tenna thought for a few seconds, then, cheerfully, answered. "Hot kinky monkey sex!"

Gaz, suddenly gaining a mental image she absolutely never wanted, fell out of the chair, clawing at her own head. "Mental image! Mental image! Curse youuuuuu!"

Devi blinked, mouth slightly open, a look of 'holy-monkey-crap' on her face. That was simply not something one envisioned Tenna taking part in, and she was pretty confident that her view on her best friend was somewhat skewed.

"Aw, I'm kidding!" she giggled, wriggling into her dark red pants and buttoning them, a quiet 'zzzzzpuh' sound emanating from the zipper as she closed it. "You two seriously need to get out more often." Noticing Devi's irritated glare, she stuck her tongue out and flashed a grin. "I've never been in a serious relationship before, so I don't really know what to expect," she explained as normally as was naturally possible for her.

The older of the two cousins swung her legs over the back of the couch, propping her arms up on her knees as she mentally gave up on attempting to bug Tenna. Moronic questioning was definitely not in the artist's blood. "Any prospects?" she questioned.

Tenna tapped her chin a few times with her index finger before quickly jerking the shirt on over her head and winking broadly to both purple-haired women. "He's got a great personality and a really cool job," she confided. "And," she continued as an afterthought, "he's got a cute butt."

Gaz choked, brown eyes bulging. "Cease this conversation at once," she all but snarled, "before I have to tie your reproductive organs into balloon animal shapes!"

"Wouldn't that hurt?" Tenna wondered aloud.

"Go gel your hair already!" Devi laughed, shoving her dark-skinned best friend off the couch.

"Damn!" howled Tenna the instant before her face became stuck in her jogging pants.

"Zim, I swear to God I'm going to shoot you, autopsy be damned, if you don't stop laughing RIGHT NOW!"

The Irken soldier paused in his cackling at a rather flustered-looking Dib, as if mulling over the offer. Then, with the great maturity all Invaders possess in large amounts, he resumed his mad laughter. "How can I stop?" he inquired between laughs. "You strongly resemble an over-heated beet vegetable!" Zim proceeded to laugh uncontrollably some more.

Dib scowled and turned his attention back to the mirror hanging over the bathroom sink, forcing himself to ignore Zim, in the living space. "I can't believe I'm doing this," he muttered, running his hands through his hair, for once mussed and hanging loosely about his face instead of in its normal gelled style. "I have no idea what to do," he moaned, gripping the edge of the sink basin and staring at his own anxious brown eyes.

"I can tell you what not to do," Johnny offered from his crouching position on the ceiling, feet propped against the wall and arms spread out to balance his self. Dib started, yelped, and tripped over the toilet as he stumbled back, resulting in his breaking down the curtains and the brass bar holding them up. His head, due to physics and the donkey, whipped back and smacked against a bar of unopened soap. Johnny, unconcerned, dropped from the ceiling, landing lightly on his booted feet and sheathing a knife in his trenchcoat's dark folds, tossing a now scored and torn boot that had belonged to Dib to the linoleum floor. "Avoid 'immortalizing the moment,'" he said seriously, standing straight in all his six-foot-something glory.

"How long have you been standing there?" Dib demanded, sitting up and rubbing at the back of his head while kicking the curtains and the bar off of his legs. "And what in the name of Nessie do you mean, 'immortalizing the moment?'"

Suddenly, without warning, Dib found Johnny's face a mere inch from his own and the Membrane boy had a moment to wonder how the hell the blue-haired man had been able to friggin' move that fast.

"Whatever you do," Johnny said quietly, "do NOT attempt to kill her."

"...Huh?" Dib asked intelligently. "What do you mean?"

Johnny popped his fist against the top of the other man's head; Dib yelped again. "Do!" he yelled, smacking him lightly again. "Not! Attempt! To! Kill! Her!"

"Okay! Will you just stop that?!"

"All right," the homicidal man shrugged and strolled out of the bathroom, whistling cheerfully to himself.

Dib could see Zim fall out of the chair laughing, and he frowned angrily, lifting himself up out of the bathtub. "This is so embarrassing," he mumbled, brushing the knees of his black pants and checking that his alien shirt was tucked in. Nervously, he glanced at his reflection and winced at the pale color of his skin; his arms were a shade or two paler than the rest of him and he cursed the years of wearing a trenchcoat and wished he could wear one tonight. Heaven forbid he have tan skin like Johnny.

"I'm going," he announced to the convulsing figure of Zim and the anorexic-thin shape of Johnny idly twirling a few knives around. Neither seemed to hear him (Zim was still laughing, even if it was more wheezing and coughing than actual superior cackling by this point) and he scowled again. "I said, I'm going!"

Zim slowly uncurled from his position on the floor, still looking severely amused, and adjusted the position of his Presley-style wig. Don't laugh.

"So...'bye," he finished lamely, then moved hastily to the door.

"Flowers!" Johnny reminded.

"Thanks," he said sheepishly, snatching up the small bouquet of lilies from the counter. "Almost forgot." With that, he exited the front door and closed it behind him.

"I...I feel so proud," said Johnny in a distant voice, before he wondered if he'd accidentally hit his head against something. What the Barbaric Lex Luthor Hell was he saying?

Zim gave him an odd look and returned to his chair, shaking his head slightly. To the maniac's surprise, a strange, pink microphone shot from the green-skinned man's backpack, extending before the alien's face and pausing there. A brief hologram of GIR appeared.

"GIR!" Zim commanded. "Report what is going on at the Tenna girl's apartment once the freakishly disturbing one has left with Dib the Moron!"

The fuzzy GIR hologram flickered red and it saluted. A self-satisfied smirk appeared on Zim's face as the microphone-like thing snapped back into his backpack, sealing itself up.

"You can't be permitted to spy on Devi!" Johnny cried, unsheathing a rather scary-looking knife.

"Down, stink-monkey!" Zim replied, leaping to his feet on the back of the chair. "I seek information for blackmail! Blackmail is nice!!" He struck what he perceived to be an intimidating pose, overbalanced, and fell behind the chair, which promptly toppled in the opposite direction.

Johnny thought for a moment and shrugged, replacing the knife in his trenchcoat. "Okey-dokey."

Gaz had to admit that for a brainless nitwit with no sexual experience, Dib handled his picking up Tenna rather well. For a brainless nitwit with no sexual experience. Of course, this was if one ignored the blushing, stammering, and frequent 'um's. Still, Tenna hadn't seemed to mind (even if Spooky had squeeked in a grumbling sort of way, reminding Gaz a bit of her father's initial reaction on her first, and last, date) and Dib had seemed to be honest in his shy greeting. Hell, it was downright cute. In a disturbing, freakish way.

Devi broke off from her tries to clear a path across the floor of Tenna's apartment as GIR started talking quietly to itself from its perch on the edge of the couch's arm, kicking its tiny silver legs back and forth. "How cute," she smiled, unusually gentle, "GIR's talking to itself."

Gaz looked up from her game and listened to the soft mutterings. As she listened and Devi watched, her eyes grew wide, then narrowed dangerously. Snapping her GameSlave VII off without bothering to save, she dropped the piece of technology in the chair and bolted from the apartment, vanishing down the hall. Devi blinked, opened her mouth, and then slowly walked to the swinging door.

There was the loud banging sound of a door being kicked in, most likely Dib's, and it was followed by an outraged cry sounding rather like Johnny.

Zim's voice could be heard loudly proclaiming, with great love for all, "Oh, SHIT!!"

"That's my knife!" Johnny protested.

"Now, Gaz," Zim's voice continued nervously, "let's think this over logically and calmly! Don't stick that there!"

"That can not be legal!" came Johnny's voice, shocked in tone. There was a pause. "Actually, that isn't too bad. You could probably use some practice, but that's not bad. You're a natural, aren't you?"

Devi looked like most eleven-year olds do when forced to watch reproduction videos in science involving dancing vaginas and other things that really shouldn't be discussed. Slowly, she closed the door and stiffly crossed the floor to the couch, seating herself beside GIR, who had turned the TV on and was watching something that looked like another Terminator movie.

"I love dis show," GIR sighed happily.

[Aiya, I know I said there would only be one more chapter left, but chapter five was getting so long! I suppose this is Part A of 5; the last part, all Dib/Tenna, will be up before the end of the week.

Seeing as there were so many reviewers wondering if Gaz or Johnny would win in a fight, I'd have to go with the suggestion that the Earth would blow up. I'd be laughing the entire time, too...

Don't have too much to say, other than: why is Johnny so hard to write?! Curses!

Sorry I didn't have any Nny/Devi. I know, I'm sad, too. But I am writing a parody of the movie 'Clue' inspired a great deal by a JtHM/IZ 'Clue' pic at Shades of Insanity ( Nny as Wadsworth and Devi as Mrs. White. I have always thought Mrs. White and Wadsworth should have gotten together, even when I was five and seeing it for the first time...

The reproductive videos part at the end is something I really don't know about. I'm the lucky girl who got to skip the 'body, sex, and you' movies because my mom opted me out. Heheheh...

Eh. Well. Please review! (Whoa! 50+ reviews for this fic?! Holy mongoose...)

Nny plushie says: Review, damn it! Obey the expletive!]

|Yay! Reviews! So, just for ya'll, a GIR dolly to keep Spooky company! Here goes: Amethyst Soul (I can't shake the thought that this part was pretty bad...seeing as you seem to have enjoyed the previous, how was this one? Reviews are like waffles for the soul...I love waffles!), Kami and Daegon (worship the OOC-ness! Hi, Spooky!), Dragon from the Black Lagoon (wrote more! *cowers* Don't hurt meeeee...), Invader Kim (cool! I'm original! Isn't that spiffy, Ryan! *proceeds to talk to her personal voice-in-the-head*), ArmAndLeg (wasn't that fun? Heheh. I liked writing the mace part...), Twitchy (those were probably the parts I had the most fun writing!), Maniacal Dragon (if you keep readin'! *winks* Ooh, you reviewed twice! Cool!), Black Silver (cool name! I was going to call Prof Membrane 'Mortimer,' but I thought it would be funny and sort of ironic if his name was just plain old 'Jimmy'), Kat23a (your reviews always crack me up! It's completely unexpected if his name is Jimmy, isn't it?), Tinkerbell (sadly, I don't feel that this part was funny at's mostly a filler thingie. People are complimenting me so much! *blushes*), Devilish Kurumi AKA Ruffaluff (I'm sorrrrryyyyy! *wails* I couldn't put Devi/Nny in! If the next chapter is completely Dib/Tenna, is that okay? I hope so! Plus, I'm making the JtHM/IZ 'Clue' parody, and that'll have 'Denny' in it. That's clever; 'Denny.'), Peacemaker Aqua (yay! Another Dib/Tenna supporter!), Poodge (don't worship me! *looks frantic* My best friend will find out and then she'll never let me say my writing sucks! She does scary things when I insult myself...but! I'm really glad you're enjoying this!), Galadriel Weasley (Draco/Ginny! Frodo/Galadriel! Um...sorry. *sweatdrops* I want to go on a date with Dib, too! Although, personally, I'd like to go out with Zim's computer; darn thing's so funny. I'm pretty sure some girl would ask Dib out, but the 'no dates' thing worked better for the fic...*twitches* Down, Dib/Zita side! Down!), Dib Girl (does it hurt when your head explodes? It does when mine goes explody...anyway, new chapter up for you to reeeeeead!), and Gir's Girl (thinking of the children, ma'am! I luv Squee...). GIR dollies for you alllllll!|