Chapter Thirteen: Luck Just Kissed You Hello
"Mr Deeks? Are you decent?" Always one for propriety, Hetty knocked firmly on the door before entering. Deeks lay perfectly still in the bed, splendidly unconscious.
"Hey, Marty," Kensi said softly and studied him carefully. "Someone's taken off all his makeup," she announced, and noticed how different he looked clean-shaven. Kind of… wholesome, she thought. Like some Mid-Western farm boy.
"And his hair's back to normal." There was a note of something that sounded suspiciously like regret in Hetty's voice.
"I don't think you can say Deeks has normal hair," Kensi protested. "Good hair, yes – maybe even great - but normal? I don't think so." The way I want to run my fingers through it certainly isn't normal, that's for sure.
"Don't split hairs, Ms Blye," Hetty said and bent over the bed for a closer look. In her haste to get to the hospital, she'd forgotten her glasses, so she had to bend over to get as close as possible, so that her nose was almost touching his. With his usual complete lack of timing, Deeks chose this moment to open his eyes groggily, only to be greeted by Hetty's concerned face in extreme close-up.
"Holy shit!" He attempted to sit upright in a purely reflexive action, completely forgetting about his wound and promptly collapsed back onto the pillows in agony, but not before his forehead connected solidly with Hetty's nose.
"Hell fire and damnation!" Hetty's hands flew up to her face, just as Kensi pushed her roughly aside.
"What did you want to go and do that for, you idiot?" Deeks was looking completely pole-axed, but that wasn't exactly an unusual expression for him, so it didn't necessarily indicate any incipient brain damage, Kensi thought.
"I didn't want to do it – it just kind of happened. And anyway, she scared me." It was a toss-up as to which hurt more – his head or his side. "What the hell happened to your hair?"
Kensi found the pain relief button and pressed it several times in succession. "Nothing. It'll be fine once I've washed it."
"Oh. Okay." Deeks savoured the sweet sensation of morphine flooding through his body. It was almost as good as smoking a joint. "You've got nice hair, Kensi. Can I help you wash it?" He gave her a woozily charming grin.
"Mr Deeks – remember you are just out of surgery." Hetty advanced cautiously, having repaired the damage to her nose as best she could by stuffing a rolled up Kleenex into each nostril, leaving two thin, white tails of paper protruding.
"I had surgery?" He looked across at her and almost managed not to cringe in fright. What is she trying to do to me? It wasn't enough that I got stabbed, now she's trying to scare me to death?
"You were wounded, remember?" Kensi coaxed, still revelling in the first compliment she'd received all day. At least Deeks didn't think she was "just Kensi". And he was stoned, which meant he had to be telling the truth.
"I was wounded?" He looked confused, but managed to combine this with looking insanely hot, Kensi thought. It probably had something to do with that amazing chest of his – all smooth and golden and just asking to be caressed. Not to mention his hair
"You were stabbed. In the stomach."
"Oh." He digested this for a minute and then let his hand drift down to the layer of bandages across his abdomen. "It doesn't hurt."
"It will," she assured him.
"Were you wearing a green dress?" Bits and pieces were starting to come back to him now, but the morphine haze made it difficult to concentrate.
"Nope – but you were."
"Oh my God." It was all flooding back, in glorious technicolour. Deeks remembered everything – especially those hideously uncomfortable panties, that seemed intent on strangulating him. He let his hand travel a bit further down, wanting to reassure himself that he'd suffered no lasting damage. What was a mere stab wound after all, when he might have ruined himself for life? "Sweet Jesus! I've died and I'm in hell." His eyes grew huge with terror and he looked at Kensi beseechingly. "What the hell have they done to me?"
Acting instinctively, Kensi flung back the bedclothes, just as Sam and Callen ran into the room.
"Don't look!" Kensi clapped her hand across Hetty's eyes, much to her annoyance. What was it with her agents tonight? Did they think she'd never seen the male body, naked as God intended? And she had to admit that God had clearly had a very good day when He'd made Mr Deeks. In fact, she would go so far as to say that He had been on the top of His form, no doubt about it.
"In the name of the wee man." Callen felt his knees grown weak when he saw what Deeks was clutching.
"Oh my God," Deeks moaned pathetically.
"Let go of the catheter, Deeks," Sam said patiently, trying to unclasp his fingers.
"Catheter?" Deeks echoed feebly.
"Catheter," Sam assured him, pulling the sheet back over him. "The rest looked just fine."
"You're sure about that?"
"You want me to check again?"
"Nope. I can manage." Deeks lifted up the sheet and peered at himself cautiously. "Thank you, God. Thank you." Deeks didn't care about the fact the rest of the team had seen him stark, staring naked, bollocks naked not to put too fine a point on it; all he was bothered about was the fact that his penis wasn't very long and very, very thin indeed.
Callen subsided gently to the floor and rocked back and forward in near hysterics.
"It's not that funny," Kensi protested, and pressed the pain button another couple of times.
"It is," Sam assured her. Not that he didn't have some sympathy for Deeks, but the look on his face had been priceless.
"It's not funny," Kensi repeated and looked at Deeks, who had wisely decided to retreat into unconsciousness. He looked rather sweet and innocent, she thought. And his hair looked amazing. So did the rest of him, come to that. And thank the good Lord that those panties hadn't had a lasting effect. "Go on – now you've had a good laugh at his expense, you can go home."
"Why would we go home?" Callen staggered up and held on to the end of the bed for support. "I reckons this calls for a beer. Sam?"
"I'm in. Hetty?"
"Why the hell not?" It might take away some of the pain in her nose.
Now they ask me. Now. Talk about bad timing. "No, I don't think so," she said slowly. "I think I'll just stay here with Deeks for a while. Just in case he wakes up again."
"Whatever." Sam waited until they were outside and the door was safely shut behind them before turning to Callen. "Deeks has done it again, hasn't he? Even when he's unconscious, he still manages to pull."
"It's only Kensi," Callen reminded him. "So it doesn't really count."
"I know. Still… How the hell does he do it?"
"Do you want me to spell it out for you, boys? Or maybe I should draw you a diagram? An anatomically correct diagram?" Hetty had got a very good look at Deeks in his full glory, in fact the image was engraved on her mind. It had quite made her day. "Come on – let's go and get that drink. And I'm buying."
Callen looked at Sam. "All bets are off. Neither of us is going to pull tonight. Not with Hetty around."
"Chicken." He flapped his arms a couple of times. "Just ask yourself this - WWDD?"
"What Would Deeks Do, of course."
"Oh." Callen thought about it for a couple of minutes. "He'd pull. No doubt about it. Maybe we'll get lucky and Hetty will pull too?" After what had gone on tonight, nothing would surprise him.
"I heard that." Hetty glared at them.
When the voices finally disappeared from the corridor, Deeks slowly opened one eye. "Is it safe?"
"Perfectly safe." Kensi perched on the side of the bed and let the fingers of her hand run slowly over the smooth, tanned, golden skin of his chest.
"Do you think they guessed?"
"Not a chance. They only see what they want to see." Kensi dipped her head and kissed him passionately on the lips before letting her hand slip under the covers where more bare flesh lay just craving her touch.
"Bloody hell!" Callen dropped lightly down from Sam's shoulder, where he'd been peering through the glass panel above the door. "Deeks has done it again."
"Pulled, of course."
"But there's only Kensi in there." Sam looked dumbstruck. "He's pulled Kensi?"
The door suddenly opened. "No – I've pulled Deeks. And before you say anything – it does so count."
"Do come along." Hetty clapped her hands impatiently. "Lady Gaga is waiting."
"We've got to find out how Deeks does it," Callen murmured.
"It's the hair," Hetty said wisely. "And the bod from God." She shimmied gaily down the corridor, singing a snatch of Born This Way.
"It's going to be a long night," Sam moaned.
Kensi looked longingly back into the room. "Oh, I do hope so."