Flaming Din, Not a Trilogy!
('Further Obliterating The Fourth Wall')
In a vast white expanse of the type used almost universally by writers of fiction to convey a place that wasn't technically real stood two men.
These two men were arguing, and that argument consisted almost entirely of this:
These two men, upon first glance, appeared to be twins or two copies of the same person. Both were tall, skinny, wore glasses and were bearded, though one of them had long hair and the other did not. Both wore flannel shirts and jeans.
The one with short hair glared at the one with long hair. "You have to do what I say," he said. "I'm the Author, and you're one of my characters, so that means you have to do what I tell you to do."
The one with long hair told the one with short hair exactly what he thought of that, in wording that probably shouldn't be repeated in polite company.
The Author glared at the long-haired version of himself. "I mean it, Davin," he said. "I got a haircut, and you're a fictional copy of me, so that means you have to get one, too, before you go off to another adventure in Hyrule. It's not a proper self-insert if the fictional copy isn't exactly like the Author."
Davin crossed his arms and glared at his non-fictional self. "No to the haircut, and double, triple, quadruple, googleplex no to more adventures with Ganondorf. I have had more than enough torture at your hands already. Fourteen chapters of me falling down, getting beaten up and looking foolish are more than enough. And what was with that whole road-trip thing in the second one? That was stupid. No wonder the sequel didn't do as good as the first story."
The Author glared at Davin again, even more furiously. "I'll not be mocked by my own clone."
Davin raised an eyebrow. "I'm not your clone, I'm your fictional double. You know, when most people do this, they make the fictional version of themselves, y'know, cooler or something. I'm not a very flattering version of you."
The Author rolled his eyes. "You're not supposed to be! It's all a part of the parody. You look like an idiot most of the time because most people try to make themselves look good in self-inserts. I don't have an inferiority complex, I am not disturbed, I'm not seeking sympathy; It's all part of the joke."
"I don't think I like that I exist purely as a joke," said Davin. "I think you're the joke."
"Oh, that's it!" said the Author, irritably. "You're going back to Hyrule, just for that."
"Aw, dammit," Davin said, just before he vanished in a puff of plot contrivance.
Davin Sunrider, fictional version of fanfic writer Davin Sunrider, glared at the familiar outline of Hyrule Castle above the central square of Castle Town. He scowled at the citizens of Hyrule going about their business. He glowered at a Goron who asked him if he was all right.
"I meant no offense, little human," the Goron said, puzzled. "It's just that your landing looked a bit painful. Did you get fired out of a cannon?"
"I wouldn't put it past him," Davin replied, dusting himself off.
As he did so, he discovered that he was dressed in sneakers, jeans, a blue-and-green flannel shirt, and his(non-fictional self's) favorite black leather jacket, his laptop bag at his side and his MP3 player and headphones in his pocket. He also had a cell phone, a lighter, a Swiss Army knife, a bigger folding knife on his belt, a now utterly useless set of keys, and a comb.
Davin wondered how much trouble he could get into/cause with the contents of his pockets. He was not at all pleased to be back in another 'wacky adventure', and he fully intended to somehow get revenge on his non-fictional self for doing this to him for a third time.
"Fool me once, shame on you," Davin said. "Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, and now I get to kick your ass."
"What?" said the Goron, confused.
"Do you know where Ganondorf is?" Davin asked him.
"Back in the desert, as far as I know," said the Goron. "He and the Princess disappeared for a while, and when they came back, Ganondorf gave her back the castle and went to the desert. He said he was going to try to conquer us again in a few months, and the Princess said she wished he wouldn't, but he said he was going to do it anyway and if she didn't like it she could go jump in the lake."
"Cool," said Davin. "See you later."
He set off through the streets for the western gate, whistling with sinister cheerfulness.
The Goron watched him go for a moment. One of his fellow Gorons came over and asked him who he had been talking to.
"I have no idea, Brother," the first Goron said. "No idea at all."
"He seemed nice," said the second Goron.
"Not really," said the first Goron. "He seemed like a wizard, and wizards are never nice."
"I've met nice wizards," said the second Goron.
"You have not," said the first Goron.
"You're right," the second Goron agreed. "Should we go sit on him?"
"We'll sit on him if he comes back," said the first Goron.
"Okay," said the second Goron.
Much later, Davin trudged through the desert, vaguely in the direction he thought the Gerudo fortress was. It wasn't particularly hot or miserable in the desert yet, since it was fairly early in the morning, but still Davin trudged anyway. Trudging is the almost universally accepted method of transportation through a desert if one does not have a camel or horse or helicopter.
Deserts are boring, first of all. There's nothing to them but rock and sand or worse, sagebrush, which is quite possibly the least useful plant in existence; you can't really burn it, you can't really build anything out of it, and it provides no shade whatsoever. Plus, if you brush up against one, you'll smell like sagebrush for the rest of the day, and they don't really smell all that nice, either; they even smell useless.
In keeping with the Author's twisted imagination, the Gerudo Desert had quite a lot of sagebrush, despite the profound lack of it in canon. Davin already knew the Author didn't care much for canon in these sorts of stories, which started to make his head hurt, because in an odd way, he knew why.
He and the Author were more alike than he wanted to admit.
At least he wasn't tormenting him with The Fangirl anymore.
Right after he thought this, Davin sensed malevolent glee coming from somewhere above him, and he stopped and pointed a finger at the sky. "Don't even think about it," he said warningly. "I'm not kidding."
A vague sense of disappointed, grudging acceptance drifted down, and Davin resumed trudging.
After a few more hours of trudging, Davin finally encountered the Gerudo deep within the desert. He was first alerted to this fact by an arrow that whistled past his ear and took a few strands of his nearly shoulder-length hair with it.
Davin of course immediately halted after this traditional Gerudo welcome, as he was supposed to. He was also mildly proud of himself for not needing to change his trousers after being startled like that, though he had come closer than he would have liked to admit.
"Identify yourself," an irate female voice demanded from somewhere off to the left.
"I'm Davin Sunrider," he said. "The Dark Side Comedian."
"Oh, I know you," the disembodied voice replied, becoming almost abruptly amused. Suddenly, a hooded head popped up from behind a sagebrush, the lower half of her face wrapped in a scarf. "I think you tried to ask me out on a date once."
Davin frowned. "If you're who I think you are, you laughed in my face, as I recall."
The woman shrugged, her desert cloak shifting with the movement. "I'm way out of your league, dude. What did you expect?"
Davin made an odd face that was halfway between a frown and a smile; the Gerudo were still using 'dude', which made him happy, in an odd sort of way.
"Do you know where I can find Ganondorf?" he asked her.
"He's in the fortress," the Gerudo warrior replied. "I'll take you there."
When they reached the fortress, Davin was immediately shown to Ganondorf's throne room. The throne room was, as to expected of the throne room of a Dark Lord, dark. It was also hung with a lot of ornate tapestries and weapons and armor and various other bits of treasure, and also some skulls, because Dark Lords always seem to have a few skulls lying around their evil lairs.
Ganondorf, dressed as usual in black plate armor and a long red cloak, sat on his evil throne drinking out of a goblet that appeared to be fashioned from a human skull. He also, anachronistically, wore mirrored State Trooper sunglasses; apparently he'd kept a souvenir from his catastrophic cross-country crime caper in the Real World.
"Hey, Sunrider dude," the Dark Lord greeted him. "I've been expecting you to show up here."
"Your Evilness," Davin said with a quick incline of his head. "How're Link and Zelda?"
"Zelda is back in Hyrule," Ganondorf replied. "Link is here with me." He held up the goblet with an evil grin.
Davin's eyes widened in horror. "Are you serious?"
Ganondorf held his gaze behind the cop sunglasses for a moment before chuckling. "No, I'm just kidding. Link is off somewhere in Hyrule, as far as I know. I have no idea whose skull this is."
"I see," said Davin.
"Oh, hey, I've got something for you," said Ganondorf. He reached behind his throne and produced a cloth bundle, which he tossed across the room to Davin.
Davin caught the bundle and unfolded it, holding it up to look it over. It was, in black and dark red, a bowling shirt with his name embroidered in gold thread on one side and the words 'Dark Side Comedian' on the other. On the back were the words 'TEAM GANONDORF' in large gold letters above a Triforce symbol. There were also bowling pins behind the Triforce, for some reason.
"Hey, thanks," said Davin, grinning. "I've got some friends who would probably like one of these, too. By the way, I've got a favor to ask of you. Can you help me get revenge on somebody?"
"Who?" the Dark Lord asked, setting aside his skull-goblet and leaning forward in his throne.
"You remember that Author guy we met at the end of the last story, the one who it turned out had been doing all this stuff to us?" Davin said.
"The second story got kind of stupid around the last third, so I stopped paying attention, but I think so," said Ganondorf. "Is he that non-fictional version of you?"
"Yeah, that's him," said Davin. "And he's a real jerk, too. Will you help me?"
Ganondorf grinned nastily. "Sunrider dude," he said, "you had me at 'revenge'."
Author's Note: Yes, this again. I decided five stories going at once weren't enough, so I'm doing more of this. I am (once again) stalled for the moment on my main writing project, so it's time for some silly humor, both because I feel like it, and also so I can claim I'm getting something done. The 'Team Ganondorf' shirt was inspired by a drawing by Silverwolf05, which is in my DeviantArt Favorites, if you'd like to see it. :D
Davin the Dark Side Comedian will return in 'Existential Revenge', coming approximately whenever I feel like writing it. Thanks for reading!