Davin Sunrider, Dark Side Comedian, was drunk.
This was technically allowed, since he was over 21, but it was not necessarily a good idea, as is often the case with drunkenness.
Davin was, at the moment, passed out on the floor of the Evil Rec Room, cheek pillowed on his luscious manly face-hairiness, also known as a beard.
Also passed out on the floor were Grarffnarg the Moblin and the Dark Lord Ganondorf, the three of them having gone on a truly legendary bender the night before, exact details of which none of them would ever remember with any real clarity.
Currently, Ganondorf had Link's hat on one of his feet, was not wearing pants, and for unknown reasons had somehow managed to wrap his cloak around his head into a comically large turban. Grarffnarg was wearing pants, but given that they were on his head, they were rather less than useful to him at the moment.
Also, Ganondorf wore bright red boxers. Bright red, as in sear-the-retinas red.
It was weird.
Davin was for some reason wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants and had also donned a large red cloak. From this, it could be inferred that he had been drunkenly pretending to be a superhero the night before, but as previously stated, the sheer volume of alcohol ingested made any details rather hazy. If ever there was a cautionary tale as to why drunkenness was generally a bad idea, this was it.
"HEY!" an irate female voice shouted in Davin's ear, making his brain do incredibly painful flips. "WAKE UP, JACKASS!"
"I'll get right on that," he mumbled, squinting up at the angry red-haired figure above him. "Just as soon as I pay obeisance to the throne."
"What?" the red-haired figure said confusedly.
"Help me to the bathroom," Davin clarified. "What went down must come up, if you catch my drift."
"Gross," the red-haired figure said disgustedly. She hauled him to his feet none-too-gently, dragged him to the bathroom, and roughly shoved him inside. "If you make a mess in there, you're cleaning it up!" she shouted through the door.
The noise Davin made a moment later was not a reply, so she left him alone.
A few hours later, a large number of Gerudo herded Ganondorf and Davin into the throne room, refusing to explain why. They were both allowed sunglasses and to put on pants(in the correct order, in Davin's case) and were given something cold to put against their aching heads.
Hangovers are not in any sense of the word fun. They are your body's way of telling you, "Never ever drink that much alcohol that fast again."
Listen to your body.
"Why are we here?" Ganondorf asked groggily, massaging his temples with the fingers of one huge hand. The other held the (still-sealed) cold beer against his forehead.
Ganondorf was quite a large fellow, which gave an indication of just how legendary last night's bender had been in order for him to still have this big of a headache this much later.
"Ganondorf," Nabooru said gently, placing a hand on his arm, "you have a problem."
"And what would that be?" Davin asked, blinking slowly behind his sunglasses.
"SHUT UP, YOU!" the Gerudo standing next to him shouted in his ear.
This was, as intended, quite painful, and thus Davin shut up.
Nabooru pointed across the throne room at Davin. "Him."
"Him what?" Ganondorf said.
"He's your problem," Nabooru clarified. "Ever since you met him, things have gone downhill for us. First, he somehow ended up here and introduced a large number of odd words and customs to the organization. Then, you decided to follow him back to the Real World, which interrupted our invasion plans, and then, when he finally came back, you've done nothing but sit around and drink beer with him the entire time."
"I'm allowed to have a friend if I want," Ganondorf said defensively.
"How long have you considered me your friend?" Davin asked curiously.
"Since not long after we met," Ganondorf answered.
Davin raised his brows. "If the way you've treated me is any indication, it is, Dark Lord dude, quite apparent why you don't have many friends."
"I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP!" the Gerudo warrior standing next to him screamed.
"Okay, you are not helping," Davin said, leaning away from her.
"I DON'T CARE!"
"We've brought you here to help you deal with your problem," Nabooru went on, sending a 'cool it' look to Davin's guard. "We're all very concerned about you, Ganondorf."
Davin groaned. "Flaming Din, it's an intervention."
"That explains the chapter title," Grarffnarg observed from his post behind Ganondorf's throne. "I thought it was going to be 'Davinception', but apparently there's been a change in plans."
"And I'm the thing that's being intervened," Davin said. He scrunched his brows in thought. "Or, wait, it's Ganondorf that's being intervened and I'm the thing that he's being intervened about." He held up a hand when his guard began to draw in breath. "Yes, yes, shut up. I get it."
"We were hoping to bring it up a little more gently," Nabooru said, "but yes; we want you to get rid of Sunrider."
"I'm not killing Sunrider!" Ganondorf said indignantly. "He makes me laugh and he's a cool dude to hang out with, which is more than I can say about any of you!"
"Frankly, we don't care," Nabooru said. "As far as we're concerned, your job as King is to provide the Gerudo with the next generation of children and the means to care for them. To put it plainly, you're being a deadbeat dad."
"I am not!" Ganondorf rebutted.
Nabooru raised a disapproving brow. "Oh? When was the last time you actually spent any time with your daughters? When was the last time you led a raid into Hyrule for water and food?"
"We don't need to raid anymore," Ganondorf said. "I use my magic to provide for us now."
"Beer and nachos are not exactly high in nutritional content," Nabooru pointed out.
Ganondorf scowled at her behind his thick black frames.
"You've had your fun, but now it's time for the vacation to end," Nabooru went on. "Ditch the dork and let's go conquer Hyrule like we should have a long time ago."
"Hey!" Davin objected. "I am a nerd, not a dork. Get it right."
"Dork," Nabooru said pointedly. "While 'nerd' may have been reclaimed, 'dork' is still an insult. Dork."
"You are so lucky I'm hungover right now," Davin growled, one hand clenching into a fist.
"I could kick your ass in three seconds flat if you were dead sober and I had both arms tied behind my back," Nabooru said scornfully.
"There you go being infuriatingly right again," Davin grumbled. "Do you have any idea how annoying that is?"
"You know I'm right, Ganondorf," Nabooru said, ignoring him. "The best decision you could make as King right now would be to throw Sunrider out on his bony ass and ride into Hyrule scimitars swinging."
"Done," Ganondorf said without hesitation. "You're right, Nabooru. It's time to kick some ass." He gestured vaguely in Davin's direction. "Do as the lady said; throw him out."
"Just like that?" Davin said indignantly as a pair of warriors hauled him to his feet. "I thought I was your friend, dude!"
"I'm the King of Evil, dude," Ganondorf said with chilling mockery. "I don't need friends."
"You're a real bastard, you know that?" Davin snapped as he was dragged from the throne room.
"I'm a Dark Lord," Ganondorf replied, leaning back in his throne with a grin. "It's part of the job."
"The least you could do if you're going to ABANDON me NAKED in the middle of the freaking DESERT," Davin howled at the retreating group of Gerudo who had left him here, "is not LAUGH!"
Davin scowled with all the fury he possessed at the swiftly departing group of mounted warriors, and shouted after them what he hoped happened to them and the horses they'd rode in on. On Ganondorf's orders, they'd brought him here, and, quite unexpectedly, forced him at sword-point to surrender everything he possessed aside from his sunglasses and his underwear, on the grounds that no one wanted to see that. No one.
The only possible thing they could have done to humiliate him further would have been to shave off his beard. Apparently even Ganondorf wouldn't stoop that low, fortunately.
What Davin really wanted to know was why Ganondorf had had such a quick turn-around. One minute, he'd been defending Davin as his friend, and quite nearly literally the next minute had ordered him taken deep into the desert, stripped, and abandoned to fend for himself.
Davin knew only one person so evil, so sadistic, so mind-bogglingly awful and devoid of any redeeming features of character as to invent such a thing.
This, he knew, was the work of the Author.
It seemed to Davin that his plot for revenge had spectacularly backfired, and now he was without his only ally in that fight.
Things were not going well.
"Hello... bonehead," a voice said behind him, causing Davin to perform a startled leap almost five feet straight up in the air.
When his feet touched down against the burning sands, Davin slowly turned around, knowing he was utterly at the mercy of whoever had spoken.
It turned out to be none other than the Chosen Nuisance himself, Link. He had emerged from behind a nearby outcropping of rock and now stood with weapons at the ready.
He was also laughing in mockery.
"Hey!" Davin snapped. "You forget, Mr. Big Impressive Hero-Type Jerk, about that evening we spent in the hippie camp in the last story. I have seen you without pants on. You have absolutely no grounds to be laughing at me right now."
That shut him up.
"What are you doing here?" Link demanded with an embarrassed glare.
"Ganon kicked me out," Davin replied. "What are you doing here?"
"I escaped," Link answered. "I got lost, and I've been wandering around this desert for two days now. You don't have any water, do you?"
Davin placed his fists on his hips and glared at Link. "Where, exactly, could I be hiding a canteen? In my beard?"
"Rumor is you're a Great and Mighty Wizard," Link said defensively. "You never know."
"If I was a Great and Mighty Wizard," Davin snapped derisively, "I wouldn't still be wandering around the desert in my underpants, would I?"
"Wizards are weird," Link pointed out. "That doesn't prove anything."
"Shut up and give me your tunic," Davin growled.
Link smirked and held up his sword. "Make me."
In reply to this, Davin gave him the most venomous of glares, one that promised in excruciating detail just exactly what Davin would do to him if he didn't hand over that tunic this very instant, and if Link didn't want him to do it anyway, he'd throw in the boots, too.
Link dropped his sword, quickly shrugged out of his green tunic, and tossed it to Davin, who, upon discovering it was too small(Link was a full foot shorter and weighed at least fifty pounds less), ripped it lengthwise and turned it into a makeshift headcloth instead.
"And the boots," Davin said as he finished tying the last knot.
"But then I won't have any shoes," Link complained.
"Fine, keep 'em," Davin snapped. "Wouldn't fit me, anyway." He stomped off through the desert, heading east.
"Can... Can I come with you?" Link called.
Davin stopped and turned around. "No."
"Please?" Link took a few steps forward.
Davin responded by taking a few steps backward.
He stepped in a hole and fell on his ass.
Link took this as a sign of acceptance, and hurried to join him.
Davin was so grouchy at that point that he genuinely did not care, and let him.
Together they set off in the general direction of Hyrule, one bent on revenge, one bent on trying harder not to get beat up so much in the future, because that was really starting to get embarrassing for someone who was supposed to be the nation's greatest warrior.
That night, huddled back-to-back against a boulder in a vain attempt to shelter themselves from the frigid desert wind, Davin and Link made their plans.
"You should help me get revenge on the Author," Davin said to Link.
"Why?" the Chosen Nuisance said. "He's not my creator. My creator's never done anything this mean to me. He's a pleasant little Japanese fellow who's sent me on some pretty interesting adventures over the years."
"The Author is your creator," Davin said over his shoulder. "He's the one who thought up this stupid, hapless version of Link, i.e. you, and so you have just as much reason to revenge him as I do."
Davin felt the muscles in Link's back tense as he thought this over and realized it was true. The Chosen Nuisance remained quiet for a long time, leaving the howling wind the only sound in the darkness.
Since that was rather too poetic a description for a silly humor story, the next sound they heard was a loud fart. It was followed by another which squeaked at the end, and the truly horrid smell swiftly followed.
"Wizard dude?" a gruff voice called through the darkness. "Wizard dude, are you out here?"
"Grarffnarg?" Davin said in puzzlement before he could stop himself.
A torch-bearing figure appeared around the boulder, grinning delightedly when it saw them. Davin never thought he would be so happy to see a Moblin, but there it was.
"What are you doing here?" Davin asked, getting to his feet.
Grarffnarg endeared himself to Davin forever by offering a large cloth bundle which turned out to be a set of clothes and a warm cloak. "I didn't think it was fair, the way Dark Lord dude kicked you out, so I decided I'd come work for you instead."
"Work for me?" Davin said in surprise as he fastened his trousers.
"Well, sure," said Grarffnarg. "Don't take this the wrong way, but of all the villains I've met, you're the one that's the least of a jerk."
"I'm not a villain," Davin said, buckling his boots. He ignored the awkward grammar; he wasn't that much of a jerk.
Grarffnarg gave him a frank look. "You're on your way to get revenge on someone who doesn't really deserve it. What's that if not villain behavior?"
"I concede your point," Davin said, buttoning up his shirt. "I guess I'm an Evil Great and Mighty Wizard, then. Cloak, please."
"There are very few who aren't," Link observed. "Especially ones who insist on calling themselves Great and Mighty all the time."
Davin raised the hood of his cloak. "Bwahahahaha," he said without enthusiasm. He sighed.
"What is it?" Link asked.
"I just wish I could actually do something, y'know, wizard-y," Davin said morosely. "So far the only tools in my revenge arsenal are a minion who's smarter than the average Moblin and a dimwitted Hero who keeps getting beaten up all the time."
Grarffnarg reached out to place a reassuring paw on his shoulder. "It's a start," he said hopefully.
Davin nodded once. "You're right." He stood up straighter, propping his fists on his hips so that his cloak would billow more impressively. "Come on, guys; if we keep a good pace, we can get to the border by sunrise."
"Are you sure?" Link asked.
"No," Davin said boldly. "But that's never stopped me before." He pointed a commanding finger toward Hyrule. "Go forth, my minions!"
Grarffnarg charged ahead excitedly, but Link stopped and frowned at him. "I'm not your minion."
Davin kicked his ass. Literally; right in the buttocks. "Yes, you are. Don't argue."
Link sighed in defeat. "Yes, Master."
He charged ahead to join Grarffnarg, followed quickly by Davin, whose confidence was buoyed by just how impressively his cloak was billowing as he ran. There are few things more satisfying than a properly billowing cloak; it must be why so many people in fiction wear them.
As they charged toward their destinies, Grarffnarg turned to Davin. "Can we make sure the next chapter is called 'Davinception', please? That's what this chapter was supposed to be called, and it's been bugging me this whole time."
"Sure," Davin promised. He glared up at the sky. "I know how annoying it is when stories don't go the way they're supposed to."
The Author had no idea of the insanity coming his way.
Author's Note: Holy crap, a new chapter? I bet you thought I forgot all about this story. Well, actually, yes I did, mostly because of my more serious main project. But right now I'm in the mood to take a short break and write something loony, so I'm going to finally finish this.
Davin the Dark Side Comedian will return in 'Davinterminable', coming soon.