August 30th, 2011
I arrive at McKinley High for my second day of school surprisingly optimistic. I know it's crazy but I met a boy yesterday, Kurt Hummel, and he made me feel things that I thought were dead in me. I only agreed to come here because my sister begged me to, so I didn't expect to find a boyfriend out of the deal. Why would I? This is Lima, Ohio, not exactly a gay Mecca.
I walk down the halls barely noticing the other students as they part for me to pass. It isn't like I'm very intimidating but my reputation preceeds me. I don't care what they think of me - I've been over caring about that for a long time. I see him though - Kurt. He's talking to a girl, and it doesn't look like the conversation is friendly. He's also in several of my classes and he seems as bored as I am. Anyone with half a brain would be, so I spend most of my time playing games on my phone even though I don't particularly like video games. It helps pass the time.
I only half pay attention to the games; mostly I listen for anything I can find out about Kurt Hummel. He didn't introduce himself to me but it wasn't hard to find out his name; he's a conspicuous person. I like that about him. He hasn't let them beat him down and take away who he is. I find out through the grapevine that there is a glee club at McKinley - not much of one but Kurt is a member, so I head to the choir room as soon as I'm out of detention. I may have told the Ms. Pillsbury that I had to meet my parole officer which is funny because I've never actually been in jail. White River Academy Troubled Teen Boarding School wasn't exactly jail. It wasn't even technically what used to be called reform school, but it might as well have been.
As I waltz into the choir room and make a wise crack about the state of their glee club, I only have eyes for Kurt. I sit next to him and introduce myself.
"Hi, I'm Blaine."
"I know," replied Kurt.
"Oh course you do, doll. My reputation precedes me," I say in an attempt to be flirty.
"We have several classes together, Blaine," Kurt replied wryly.
I sing a song that I wrote for my audition. It's kind of sappy but that's what I do in my spare time - write sappy songs. When I was at WTATT, I wrote so many songs just to stay sane. Of course, I never sang them to anyone. But at night, I would dream that I had a boyfriend. I never pictured him clearly, but he was there for me. Pitiful, I know, but I never dared to get involved with anyone while I was there. It wasn't like there weren't any opportunities but I just couldn't bear to care about any of those boys. I shoved every scrap of feeling I had left down deep inside and never let it out except in my songs and in my dreams. In those dreams, in the privacy of my own mind, I let myself feel loved.
After I sing my solo, Kurt sings a duet with me. His voice is indescribably beautiful. He is so wasted in this ridiculous parody of a glee club. He's going to get out of this town; I can tell. Rachel too. She annoys and grates on people's nerves, but she has talent and, more importantly, drive. For the rest of the hour, we sing and dance together and despite Mr. Shuester's apathetic guidance they seem to have fun, and they accept me. Kurt is the sexiest dancer that I've ever seen. The moves he makes in those tight pants seem anatomically impossible at times, but I appreciate his effort. He's unabashedly flirting with me, and it feels good.
After class, Kurt and I are alone in the choir room.
"So, I'm gay...just in case you were wondering." That sounded lame.
"I noticed," smirked Kurt.
"Really? What gave me away? My fabulous fashion sense?"
"You call that fashion? You look like a Grease extra. No, I think it was the way you stared at my ass when we were dancing." He has a point there. I really couldn't help myself.
"You call that dancing? I thought you were trying to sex me up but I'm not that kind of guy. I expect dinner and a movie first."
"A romantic, are you?"
"Do you have a boyfriend?" I'm afraid that the answer might be yes despite how he's been flirting with me.
"What makes you think I'm gay?" teased Kurt. Seriously? The boy flames, surely he is just kidding and doesn't think that no one knows.
"The way you're flirting with me. And the fact that no one wears jeans that tight unless they want guys to stare at their ass."
"I don't have a boyfriend," Kurt admitted.
"That seems unlikely. Even in Lima."
"I didn't say I'd never had a boyfriend; I'm just single now."
"What happened?" Wow, from his look, I'd say there was some history there.
"What do you mean?"
"To your boyfriend. How is a seriously smoking gay boy like you single?"
"I've had two, actually. I made a huge mistake and lost my first boyfriend."
"But you want him back," I realize. He's still in love with his ex.
"It's not possible."
"And boyfriend number two?"
"He went to college."
"An older man, huh? What and you didn't romantically declare that you'd wait for him as long as it took? No smoopy phone calls each night with both of yousaying no you hang up, no you hang up?"
"I'm not in love with him. I never was. I love him, but just as a friend," Kurt said with a rawness that spoke of a tragedy of some kind. Or at least something that still touched a nerve when he talked about it.
"Because you're in love with the first guy?"
"It doesn't matter," Kurt insisted.
"If you love him, why don't you go get him back?"
"I would never be able to find him," admitted Kurt.
"You mean you literally lost him like a misplaced set of keys?"
"I mean he moved away and I don't have any contact information."
"Do you want to go out with me?" I finally blurt. I've wanted to ask him from the beginning of our conversation, but it seemed chancy to start off with that.
"Well, I don't know. We just met," Kurt teased.
"Not true," I reminded him. "We 'met' yesterday; don't you remember?"
"Nope," Kurt laughed. "I guess it just wasn't that memorable." The boy has a sense of humor, I'll give him that.
"Oh, you wound me," I exclaimed dramatically. "I joined glee club just be closer to you."
"Shouldn't you try for a little coolness? Play hard to get?" He has a point; I should but I'm clueless about romance.
"No, that's your role. I'm to pursue you relentlessly."
"Really? I think I like that." He gives me a dazzling smile that makes my heart pound. "I think I like you." He looks so beautiful, open, and inviting. I want to kiss him but that's just crazy. How long are you supposed to know someone before you kiss him? I have no idea what the etiquette is on that. Then Kurt answers this question for me as his soft lips brush against mine.
I move my lips against Kurt's, keenly aware of every sensation. How soft his lips are, how he tastes so perfect, the warmth of his cheek against my hand. I can barely breathe when I pull back from him. It's the first time I've kissed a boy since those first fumbling attempts with Shawn when I was just fifteen.
"I'll go out with you," he tells me softly.
My face is hot with embarrassment as I realize how much more experience at this he must have.
"Hasn't anyone told you that it's dangerous to kiss a boy at school?" I tell him with my eyes firmly on the floor. It's the only place that feels safe to keep my gaze right now. If I look at him, I'll want to kiss him again, and I know that's a bad idea.
"You can't let them win, Blaine," Kurt replies fiercely.
I look at him in surprise and wonder how he can still think that.
"They already have. You probably shouldn't hang out with me. I'm not as nice as I seem at the moment," I warn him. Of course, he must already know that and I'm shocked that he is willing to spend time with me.
"Don't go all Edward Cullen on me, Blaine. You already asked me out and promised to pursue me relentlessly."
There's that sense of humor again. He's right, I did initiate this, so why am I afraid to see it through?
"That I did, didn't I? Foolish of me but something about you makes me feel reckless," I admit as I give him my phone. "Give me your info and I'll pick you up at seven."
"Tonight? But it's a school night."
I almost relent but if he is so concerned about rules, he shouldn't go out with me at all.
"I'm sure you could skip all of your classes and still graduate top of your class here. I doubt you need to spend the evening studying."
He agrees and gives me his information. I stare at his nice suburban address and wonder again if I've gone completely insane. Well, at least that wouldn't be new.
I arrive on time and ring the bell at precisely seven. I may have ridden around the block a few...dozen...times before parking and coming to the door. I haven't been this nervous since...yeah, I don't want to think about that. I meet Kurt's dad - an affable blue-collar sort who doesn't know Kurt is gay. I'm a little surprised to find that he's in the closet because he just doesn't seem to be trying to hide it at all.
As we ride toward the party, Kurt clings to me, his chest warm against my back, his arms wrapped around my chest and I'm seriously glad that I insisted on taking the bike. When we get there, I take the time to primp my hair because I'm one hundred percent gay. Then Kurt catches a glimpse of his own hair, and I run some product through it over his objections. I could just let him do it but I'm enjoying the feel of running my fingers through his hair entirely too much. It's an intimate thing and probably too soon to be taking such liberties.
"You look amazing," I tell him when I'm done. He does and I can't stop myself from kissing him. It feels as good as the last time. His lips are soft and responsive and I'm tingling all over from the unfamiliar sensations. Then he slips his tongue in my mouth, and it should be gross but it isn't. I suck on it shamelessly as I grind against him with my hands on his back. I start to feel a little light-headed and, I realize I've forgotten to breathe. I pull back to take a breath and just stare at him. I want to tell him how amazing it felt, but instead I hear, "I like kissing you," come stupidly out of my mouth. I know it's ridiculous; I'm eighteen and Kurt Hummel has reduced me to a giggling twelve-year-old.
I reluctantly turn down his offer to keep making out and drag him inside instead. I feel too exposed out in the open like this, and I feel for the reassuring weight of the knife in my pocket. I know I don't have anything to be afraid of here - this is Trey's party and he wouldn't invite anyone who wasn't cool but still.
Speaking of Trey, he greets us at the door.
"Blainers!" he exclaims.
Trey is an old friend of mine. We go way back as his family and mine are in the same social circles. Trey is a bit of a trouble maker but not like me. His crimes are all in cyber space, and so far his father has kept him out of legal trouble. If you want information, Trey is your guy. If you want fake IDs, Trey is your guy. Want to hide money? Oh yeah, Trey is definitely your guy.
"What did you bring me?"
"Tequila," I tell him, handing over the premium Patron I brought. Trey pulls out one of the bottles and nods in approval.
"Isn't it a little early in the week to be partying like this?" Kurt asks nervously.
"Blainers, who's the buzz kill?"
"This is my friend, Kurt. But I swear he's cool, Trey."
Trey looks at Kurt skeptically and asks, "Don't you know what day today is?"
"It's a day ending in y," I joke. "Which means..."
"Parr-tay!" finishes Trey.
"Let's do some shots," I suggest as I pull Kurt to the drink table. I need the courage. I do two shots of tequila in succession, which is a good start to the evening. We dance for hours and I only stop to drink a few shots occasionally. I'm finally getting a good buzz going, and I get enough courage to make out with Kurt some more. I'm pressed so close to him moving my hands all over his amazing body, and he lets me. In fact, he keeps pulling me closer and doing the most amazing things with his tongue until I feel like I'm going to explode.
The alcohol has loosened my tongue too.
"You are so sexy," I tell him. "I've never wanted anyone the way I want you, Kurt," I tell him far too honestly. I didn't really mean to say that but I'm a little drunk. Oh god, I nearly come in my pants when he rolls his hips, and I feel his erection brushing against mine through our jeans. It's just too much and I need to get away for a while, so I start dancing to the latest Katy Perry song. It's a great way to work out sexual tension. I love performing - the whole world is a different place when I'm moving to the rhythms of the music.
Unfortunately, I lose track of Kurt while I'm dancing.
"Trey," I say, wrapping myself around my friend. He doesn't mind the way most straight boys do. Trey's cool like that. "I can't find Kurt, have you seen him?"
"Yeah, dude. Chill. It's all cool. He got a phone call and went outside to take it."
"I should go make sure he's OK."
"No, seriously, Blainers, he's fine. I promise, I would never let anything happen to your boy at my party. Just wait until he comes back in. You don't want to be clingy. Guys hate that. Even gay guys."
"You are sooo cool, Trey. Have I even mentioned that? You're like the best friend I've ever had. Well, the best one that I didn't get killed."
"You're drunk, Blainers."
"I'm not that drunk. I've been waay drunker than this."
"I know, I was there, remember?"
"Not really," I joke because I know some people black out when they drink but not me. What would be the fun in that? How do you know you had a good time if you don't remember it?
Then I spot Kurt walking toward us, and my feet move toward him of their own accord. I wrap myself around him like he's my life preserver, and I guess, he kind of is.
"Well, hello there. I was wondering where you disappeared to. Did you miss my Last Friday Night? I can do it again," I mumble into his shoulder. I don't mean it though; I don't want to let go of him.
"I saw part of it. Come on, Blaine, let's go outside and get some air." I follow him hoping that we're just going to get some air and make out some more but I have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. We sit down at the edge of the porch and he doesn't say anything so I don't either. Even without words, he's communicating. Something's wrong and I have to wonder if it had something to do with that phone call. Did I get him in trouble by bringing him here?
"I should probably take you home now," I finally suggest just to end the silence.
"Blaine...just tell me...just...I don't know...tell me your side of the story. What happened after the dance with Shawn? I know what I saw in the video but then what? Just tell me that you didn't do any of the other things they say you did. I'll believe you."
Why, why now? Why is he asking about that now? Why didn't he ask before he agreed to go out with me or at least before he spent hours dancing with me, kissing me. What can I tell him? He sits there looking at me so trusting, pleading for me to tell him something to make it less ugly but how can I? It hits my like a ton of bricks that I've made a huge mistake. Kurt Hummel is a nice, smart, talented boy with a bright future and shouldn't get involved with me. He deserves better. He deserves so much better than a murderer like me. There is no sugar coating it. That's what I am. The psychiatrists could claim I wan't responsible all they wanted. My dad's lawyers could claim it was self-defense, but I know the truth. I wonder, not for the first time, what would have happened if someone hadn't left that bat just lying there? Or what if I'd stopped and called 911 after Peter hit the ground? What if Shawn's dad had arrived on time? Or better yet, what if I'd never asked Shawn to go to that stupid dance with me? Would I still be a murderer if the circumstance never led to it? Was it what I am or what I did? I can't talk about any of that with him. But he didn't ask about that; he asked about after.
"It isn't enough to confront bullies and stand up to them. Being brave isn't enough. There's always someone stronger and braver. I'm just a little hobbit of a guy; no one that anyone would find intimidating. The only way to survive is if everyone thinks you are so crazy that you'd do anything. At any moment, you might snap and knife them. If they think you don't care whether you live or die, then they leave you alone. The more you care, the more you have to lose."
"You aren't really like that. I can tell," Kurt objected. "You're sweet and kind and you do care. It's all in the past now. It was all just an act. To survive. I get it."
He doesn't get it at all, does he? Did he think he could fix me?
"Don't pretend like you know me. You don't know me. OK? I don't know what came over me today, Kurt. I broke all my own rules. I've never let anyone get to me like you do. I'll take you home now."
"What happened to I'll pursue you relentlessly?"
"Why did you flirt with me?"
"Because I like you. I still do. It wasn't your fault. I don't believe that you did all the things people say you did. You just defended yourself. Right?"
As he looks at me, I can tell that I could say anything and he'd accept it. He'd...be my boyfriend and try to repair this broken person that I am. I can't let him because he'd just break himself trying. I don't have the strength to tell him the whole truth but I won't lie. It's all true. Everything they say and more. I did burn down that house, and I even told the boy that I'd burned his cat with the house. I didn't; I stole the cat and gave him to my sister. And while I was at boarding school? Yeah, my reputation there was well deserved. The boys learned that, sure, they could easily beat me in a fair fight but they'd always be sorry later. Very sorry. I couldn't fight fair, so I didn't.
"I'll take you home now. Don't worry; I'm not drunk. I wasn't lying about being about to handle my liquor. I've drank way more than that in a night." The look in his eyes breaks my heart, but I know I am doing the right thing.
I enjoy having Kurt hang on to me on the way back to his house too much, but I don't feel guilty about that. It may be too much to expect love, but at least I can pretend a little while longer. When we get there, he takes off his helmet and clutches my arm like he's afraid I'll drive away if he let's go of me. He's right.
"Blaine, I don't care. I want to be with you." I can't let him. I can't ruin another life.
"I shouldn't even be in Lima," I insist. "I should get me GED and disappear. Go somewhere far far away from Ohio where no one cares about my past. It was stupid of me to think I could go back to a regular high school and maybe even have a boyfriend. Thanks, Kurt for a beautiful evening. I had fun while it lasted."
I don't get my helmet back, I just drive away. I'm not sorry that I met him though. In fact, he changed my life. I am leaving Lima. I'm just going to keep driving until I end up somewhere. It's not like I have to worry about money. Instead of disinheriting me, my dad did something worse. He paid me off. He gave me my entire inheritance in advance and told me to never see the family again. It was guilt money - if he'd had any guts, he would have just kicked me out. But then there's always the chance of reconciliation, isn't there? By paying me off, he closed that door. Of course, he can't really keep my sisters away from me but still, officially, I don't exist to him. I don't regret that either.
So I drive down the hi-way with no destination but I have a smile on my face because for one night, Kurt Hummel was my boyfriend.