Title: Never trust a statistic you didn't forge yourself
Rating: PG (although, there are 2 or 3 swear words …)
Pairings / Characters: Rachel/Quinn, tiny Brittany/Santana, Sue Sylvester, the rest of New Directions
Spoilers: S01E07 "Throwdown", my take on how the scene should've gone (and therefore this fic is mostly crack)
Summary:According to numerous statistics and studies approximately ten percent of the world population is gay. Which is complete bullshit, if you ask Sue Sylvester.
According to numerous statistics and studies approximately ten percent of the world population is gay.
Which is complete bullshit, if you ask Sue Sylvester. People are way too obsessed with labels nowadays and there really is only one person in this world who can tell them what they are—just a heads up: it's neither God, nor Jesus, nor Oprah or any other deity. Only Sue Sylvester can tell them their darkest and innermost desires and secrets about themselves.
There is no way ten percent of all mankind can be queer, because Sue hasn't quite made up her mind about most people yet. Ten percent of nearly seven billion people on earth is a lot for one person to judge. Sue might be superior to almost everybody, but she still is just one woman. Granted, she's a woman on a mission, but still, only one woman. There are so many places she coud start her mission "Be true to yourself, you fool", but until she possesses the ability to be in multiple places at once—the scientists she hired are currently working on a functional cloning machine—Lima, Ohio is as good a place to start as any.
So far Sue has made her way through the whole teaching staff of McKinley High and only encountered two surprising closet cases. But no worries, she has set them queer (because setting them straight would just be offensive in that context) and sent them on their merry ecstatic way. Did that blonde substitute teacher and Irma really think they could fool Sue Sylvester? Hah!
Sue has started with the students' clubs (going through the alphabet from A like Archery (full of lesbians and Lord of the Rings wannabes) to Z like Zoo friends of McKinley High (sometimes even Sue doesn't want to know what clubs this school has)) and at this point has arrived at the letter G. G as in Glee club. Oh, and the Golf club. But Sue is one-hundred percent sure she doesn't need to pay the golf club a visit. Every girl who's in there is queer anyway and the one acne-faced, gangly white boy either hasn't noticed it or aspires to be the next Tiger Woods, preferably with less sex scandals attached to him.
Sue almost giddily enters the choir room, because since she started this endeavour and weaseled her way into being co-director of this fruity club and directing a musical number, all curtesy to Figgins and his attempts to act as a peace maker, she just had so much fun in besting Will Schuester in everything that he does.
And as of this meeting that will also include enlightening the students he knows nothing about about their own sexuality. They will forever be grateful. Many queer people in conservative places like this one will only accept this fact about themselves late in life, when they're married and have a bunch of children and very little opportunity to break out of that suburban life. She is practically handing them their future on a silver platter, complete with golden trims and ruby ornaments, so they better not fuck it up.
"Lady's choice. Heads," Sue says and flips a coin into the air. They decided to throw a coin to see who will go first to direct a number. Unfortunately, at least for him, Will doesn't know that this particular coin is double-headed.
Will catches it, reveals the outcome and sighs exasperatedly. "Heads."
"Awesome. Following students have been selected for a special elite Glee club called 'Sue's kids'."
"Hold on," Will interrupts her, "We agreed not to split up the group."
"Oh come on, Will, give me a chance to do things Sue Sylvester's way. Maybe with my proven leadership abilities I can help this pathetic group of mouthbreathers place at Sectionals."
"We can't even compete in Sectionals if we divide up the club, Sue. It's against the rules."
"Really? You need to crack open a book, William. Here, I have. Show Choir Rule Book. Page 24, provision 14, second addendum." She throws the book at him and recites the paragraph she has so easily committed to her memory. "Twelve members must perform for each team. However, not all members must perform every song."
"Fine," he sighs, lifting his hands in defeat. "Just go ahead and take all the football players and your Cheerios."
Internally Sue is grinning like a cheshire cat, because her plans are just so much better than Will could ever imagine. "Alright everybody, listen up. When you hear your name called cross over to my side of this black shiny thing."
"That's called a piano, Sue."
Oh, she knows, but he is always so easy to rile up.
Lull them into a false sense of security.
She can see her Cheerio walk down the risers and lean behind her on the piano. The boy, however, sports an expression that is a mix between horror and disbelief, quite similar to the faces of everybody else.
"Come on, move it! I don't have all day!" Sue barks and he springs into action, the wheels of his chair squeaking against the clean linoleum floor.
"Asian! Other Asian! Aretha! And Shaft."
One by one they file up behind her. The man standing next to her frowns and she already knows that whatever he'll say, he'll play right into her cards.
"Sue, what are you doing?"
"Oh Will, I think it's obvious. It hurts me to know that for all the acceptance and diversity you preach and claim to have, you clearly know nothing about your students at all. I don't want to participate in a group that ignores the needs of minority students."
"You have got to be kidding me!" He roars.
"Oh, I wouldn't kid about this, Will. And maybe that's your problem. Bigotry is no laughing matter and I for one will not stand for it. Now shut it, I'm not finished."
He's standing there, gaping wordlessly like a guppy that is about to be eaten.
Oh yes. Sue's next step will be glorious and she expects more than one student to stand up. She surely has the element of surprise on her side. Her eyes twinkle evilly as Sue takes notice of the last few remaining students sitting on their chairs. With a mischievous smirk she proclaims her last minority.
"Gay kid!" Her voice booms through the room.
Multiple things are happening as soon as the last syllable has left her lips.
Behind her Santana goes rigid and inhales sharply, her fingers clawing at the polished piano top, her eyes shut. In front of Sue Brittany stands up and skips down the risers to Santana and links her arms behind the brunette's neck. She grins wide and plants a kiss on the other girl's lips.
That, however, is not what people are focussing on. Brittana is old news, especially to Sue.
Kurt is standing up and making his way down the stairs, too. But if that comes as a surprise to anyone, with the way the boy behaves and carries himself (and don't forget the fact that he is actually out and about, at least to the club), then those people are probably blind.
The only real surprise—for some, certainly not for Sue—is that the remaining two girls are standing, too. Sue has already seen one name on the members list of the golf club and she would've gotten to the other one as soon as she would've arrived at the letter N anyway. N for National winning cheerleading squad.
Whether it be out of a deeply ingrained primal reflex they're not yet aware of or as an experiment to be true to themselves or because Sue might as well have yelled "ATTENTION YOU TWO! STAND UP!" at them. Quinn and Rachel probably don't know, if their expressions are any indication.
They both look like deers caught in the headlights of a huge truck, blinking rapidly without really taking in their surroundings.
Then a sudden shift of emotion is almost palpable in the room.
Quinn's expression shifts from shocked to terrified in split-seconds and Sue is pretty sure the girl is moments away from sitting down again or having a heart attack with the way she starts to hyperventilate.
At the same time Rachel goes from shocked to determined. She lifts her chin defiantly and puffs out her chest, as if to appear taller and more threatening than her 5'2" frame actually allows. (Now this is most certainly a primal reflex of animals trying to appear bigger than they actually are, Sue muses.) Her left arm extends and she holds her hand, palm up, in front of Quinn. Maybe out of solidarity or maybe even companionship? Hard to tell at the moment, even for Sue.
The seconds tick by, neither of them looking at the other. For a moment Sue is convinced Quinn will deny all of it, sit down again and vigorously downplay everything, stating she misheard Sue and understood something else (but what?) and she'll move on in her life, albeit miserably. Behind her Sue can hear Brittany whisper "Why won't Quinn take Rachel's hand?" to Santana, a question the other girl has no suitable answer for.
Sue can see Rachel's chin tremble slightly, brown eyes glossing over, her once squared shoulder subtly slumping down and for a very short moment Sue's heart goes out to the girl, because she looks utterly defeated. Not a trait Sue usually links to Rachel Berry.
Then, miraculously, Quinn slowly takes Rachel's hand, with the rest of the club watching her every move with huge interest, and intertwines their fingers, so there goes Sue's earlier question. Rachel's beam is almost blinding when she pulls Quinn down the risers with her, almost skipping down the stairs like Brittany did earlier.
Santana is smirking and Brittany is grinning, throwing her arms around a furiously blushing Quinn.
The club stays silent for a few more seconds, those who didn't already know probably trying to absorb the news, until Sue breaks the silence.
"Jewhawk, come over here, too."
Puck slowly makes his way to the rest of the club. Well, almost all the rest. Sue folds her neatly written list in two and puts it in her back pocket before she adresses the poor excuse of a teacher next to her.
"All right, that's all. If you don't mind, we'll go to the auditorium and rehearse now."
Once again the man has trouble trying to articulate himself.
"That's my whole club!" He splutters.
"Now now, William, don't discriminate. You still have one functioning student left."
She points at Finn who looks as if he's still trying to figure out if that were indeed his girlfriend and admirer who just left the closet together. His brain must probably read like a broken record of "But they are in love with me!"
"I can't perform with just one kid!"
"Not with that attitude you can't! But I'm sure you'll find a song and choreography that's fitted to this young ape's talent and your own in no time at all."
With that she turns on her heels and marches out of the choir room, eleven kids rushing after her.
Oh yes, Sue sees several gift baskets in her future.