Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect in any way shape or form. Usually, I prefer to write insightful or fairly epic and serious stories. Stories of character, struggle, strife and determination. This…is not one such story. This is my bona fide first ever humor fic. As such, it's a bit on the nonsensical side. On a positive note, I hope this is funny as hell and you know that this is kinda overdue in more ways than one. I can't believe I haven't seen a fic like this in the mass effect section before. Oh and fair warning, light spoilers for Mass Effect 3. Alright, without further ado, please read, review and enjoy!
Those Four Little Words
Shepard stood silently as the three council members watched scenes of the Reapers invading multiple worlds. All three of them were aghast at what they were seeing. Giant ships identical to Sovereign all over the galaxy. Destroying planetary defenses and wiping out entire populations indiscriminately, while their own fleets barely made dents upon the invading forces.
The Asari councilor was the first to speak.
"This…this is horrible. Shepard we need to do something!"
"I agree," the Salarian councilor turned to Shepard. "We must begin the counterattack at once. I recommend you take your ship and get to it. "
The Turian councilor just nodded toward his fellow members to indicate he agreed with them.
For some reason, Shepard envisioned a dialogue wheel with multiple options on how to word his response. Responses ranging from encouraging, to neutral, to antagonistic. But there was one option, that was colored blood red. So red that it was practically dripping with blood. It was probably the renagade, outright rude thing he could possibly say. Shepard was widely considered a paragon of humanity at large. Not afraid to be a badass, but also willing to work with others. To do most things the right way for the right reasons.
That said though, these three politicking, slandering, idiotic, shortsighted, condescending, arrogant, stupid, high horse riding, self absorbed, moronic bosh' tet's, have had this coming to them for a long time!
Shepard moved the cursor in his mind to the red option and pressed A.
"Really?" His voice said dripping in venom.
"Excuse me?" The Asari councilor said in confusion.
The officially pissed off Spectre seemed to get taller in that moment and his eyes had a red glow to them.
"After everything you've done to me, all the second guessing, the condescending remarks the treating me like I'm some kind of "special" person ooooh, you have the gall, the gall, to not even acknowledge all the times you've screwed me over and acted like arrogant assholes who had their heads so far up their butt puckers, you eat the very crap that you spew!"
"Now wait just…"
"Shut up," Shepard growled. He was angry. Very angry.
"From day 1, you've ignored me and treated me like some idiot, no matter how politely I tried to play it with you, no matter how well I got the job done, there was always something. Something that displeased you, something that you didn't like. When I've gotten things that most people consider impossible done, you've nitpicked me!"
Shepard grabbed his pistol and fired several rounds so close to the councilors heads they could have sworn they saw little grim reapers laughing on the superfast projectiles.
"I said shut the hell up! And then that's not the end of it. After I'm killed, killed. Not put in a coma or technically dead, but I mean tuned into a burned and broken meatsack kind of killed, you gloss over my death, then cover up all the good I've done, label me a nutcase, replace me with a composite image and continue to ignore my warnings about the Reapers."
He gestured to the scenes of carnage still playing on the various screens. "How's that workin out for you? You wanna give me the quotation gesture now you Turian prick?"
Shepard holstered his pistol and grabbed the Cain M90 from his back and pointed it at the council.
"Well now, the tables have turned the condescending !#&tards. And now after all this time of you acting high and mighty, even after I saved your hides, I've only got four little words I've waited to say to you for years."
With that, he began to charge up the Cain, its sinister whine a herald of death. All three council members promptly soiled themselves.
Then the Cain gave out a small whizz of steam. Sinister steam mind you, that still heralded death, but only once it got some ammo.
"I'm out of ammo. Oh wait, sorry, wrong words."
Shepard put the Cain away, glared at the councilors and uttered the words that had gone unsaid for far too long.
"I TOLD YOU SO."
The very room itself shook with the power behind those words. The three $#%tards, I mean, councilors, had the decency to look chagrined and ashamed and apologetic all at the same time.
"What do you want from us commander?" the Salarian said weakly.
"You know what I want. I want to hear you say it."
The councilors all looked at one another and nodded in defeat.
"You were right commander and we were wrong."
"We've been foolish and arrogant."
"We've been…complete and total !$$#tards and jerks toward you."
"ON YOUR KNEES AND SAY IT!"
The trio got on their knees and with the most groveling expression possible on any face on any species, said.
"You've been right from the start and we've been completely wrong from the start. We are idiots, morons, politicking dirtbags, ignorant fools, unjust judges, and all around asses."
Shepard mulled this over. He could make them go on with this, but he had a galaxy to save (no thanks to these %^&^%bags) so he decided to cut this short. But first…
He grabbed a note from a pocket and walked over to the Turian councilor and handed it to him.
"Read this word for word and then I'll get to saving the galaxy."
The Turian #wipe took a look at the small script in horror.
"You can't seriously expect me to…"
"Read it out loud word for word or try to save the galaxy yourself, Word of advice, I only make it look easy."
The Turian gulped and began to read.
"I, the Turian councilor, am the biggest #!#$wad and $^#%^bag in the galaxy. I am a racist prick, a bigoted tightwad with a stick crammed for far up my own ass it's a wonder I don't choke on it. If I had any decency as a sentient being, I would have choked on it long ago and spared the galaxy of my idiocy and unwarranted prejudice. I am such a slimebag that I regularly take bathes in my own excrement. I would add the excrement of other people, but my own is so bad that it puts even the Krogan to shame so there is no need."
The councilor looked up at Shepard, his eyes pleading with the Spectre to have mercy on him. He may has well have been asking for mercy from a Reaper because Shepard just nodded at him to continue.
"I have also treated Shepard like an idiot when all along it was myself who was the true complete and utter crap for brains fool who ought to just off himself and get the Darwin award already. I am a discredit to my species and sentient life everywhere. I am not worthy to look upon Shepard or to even be crapped upon by Shepard. Shepard is, always has been always will be, the coolest, most badass, most greatest thing that has ever happened to the Spectres and to the galaxy. I bow to Shepard's greatness."
With that, The councilor bowed so low his head hit the floor.
Shepard considered this for a moment.
"Meh, it's a start. But for now, arise Turian $%*^wad."
The councilor quickly stood up to his full height.
Only for Shepard to clock him right in the jaw.
"That's for demeaning me!"
"That's for belittling me!"
And then he ended things with kick to the jewels that made the Turian double over in pain and a final punch that sent him sprawling on his back.
"AND THAT'S FOR BEING A ROYAL %$^&*^R&*^#^R(#&*R(&R(*^&R&!#)R*&R(#^(&*(^*#^*(&$*(^$*^*(^%$%^&$(%$%*(%$(%$%*%*R^(^(*&WE(R&EW(*&R(E^W(RRYWE R(^&*^&^*^*E^*R^*E^*&(&^*%^^%BAG!"
The Asari and the Salerian councilors' jaws dropped at the language and the actions that Shepard had just done.
"Shepard that's enough!"
"I agree with you councilor. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a galaxy to save."
The Spectre turned on his heel and marched off with purpose in his stride. He would save the galaxy from the Reapers, or die trying.
On the way out of the chambers, a familiar geth platform emerged from a small hiding place.
"Did you get it?"
"We have recorded and stored your…'negotiations' as you requested Shepard Commander. And we are ready to upload the video to the extranet."
"Do it now."
"Done. Inquiry, why did you wish to record the councils humiliation and upload it to the extranet?"
"Several reasons Legion. One, if I die again, there is no way they'll be able to gloss over my death. Two, I really hate those guys, especially the Turian councilor. And finally, because they had it coming to them for a long time. And there's just no greater pleasure in life than telling someone you hate those four magic words. I TOLD YOU SO. And then to upload it to the extranet for posterity. Now then…"
Shepard inserted a fresh thermal clip into his hand cannon.
"Let's kick some ass."
To be concluded in Mass Effect 3!