Officer Funboy: male stripper.
Author: AlejandraDD
Feedback to: alegarbo@yahoo.com
Category: Humor
PG-13 (for partial nudity and indirect Clex)
Spoilers: Rogue, Zero (sort of)
Synopsis: years after being shot, an amnesic officer Phelan founds himself being the stripper in Clark's bachelor party.
Notes: This is my first fan fiction ever. I don't know anything about fan fiction, since I very recently started to read it.
Thanks: To all the people from the Smallville forum in www.televisionwithoutpity.com. I don't know exactly who came up with the "Officer Funboy" nickname, but wook1013 created the thread, I thought it was a stripper's name, and kstanley thought of the amnesia thing. I knew I *had* to write the fanfic.
Disclaimer: Neither one of the characters is mine; if they were, I would be rich. I'm just using them for non-eeevil purposes. And "You can leave your hat on" is property of Tom Jones / Joe Cocker or whoever wrote it.

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Amnesia. That's what the doctors said he had. And it must've been true, since he couldn't remember anything about himself. That was five years ago, so he didn't care anymore. He was happy with his life now. In his previous life someone wanted him dead, that's why he moved to Metropolis.

He always wanted to think that back then he was a cop. But that wouldn't be as fun as his life now: he was a stripper, a male stripper. To honor his desires, his stage name was Officer Funboy.

****

-Five minutes and you're on, Funboy. - A voice said outside his dressing room, while he was putting his uniform on.

****

Clark was reluctant about his bachelor party, he didn't want one, but he let his friends talk him into it. After all, he was marrying the man of his dreams (Yes! It was finally legal!)

****

The announcer said:
-Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the one and only: OFFICER FUNBOY!

He heard his name, he heard his music, it was his turn. He didn't care when everybody told him that the song was overused: he loved "You Can Leave Your Hat On" (obviously, the Tom Jones version)

|| Baby, take off your coat, real slow. ||

He walked to the end of the stage and took off his jacket, dancing with the music.

|| Baby, take off your shoes. I'll help you take off your shoes. ||

He loosened his tie with a few firm pulls, always at the beat of the song.

|| Baby, take off your dress. Yes, yes, yes. ||

He grabbed one end of the tie with each hand and started rubbing his back with it. Then he slided the tie between his legs (one hand in front and one hand behind) and moved his arms back and forth, while moving his hips in opposite directions.

|| You can leave your hat on. ||

He looked at the crowd: there was a large group (30 or maybe 40) of people in what seemed like a bachelor party. He could tell they weren't regulars: a bunch of them were cheering like it was the last day, and the rest (the straight ones) were talking amongst themselves, still having fun.
He started to unbutton his shirt.

|| You can leave your hat on. ||

He pulled of his shirt, revealing his hairy chest and abdomen.
He noticed a very quiet young man in the party crowd. From his nervousness it was easy to tell that he was the one getting married the next day.

|| You can leave your hat on. ||

****

Clark was worrying about the details of the wedding, even though he was enjoying the show, but there was something odd about this stripper that he couldn't quite put his finger on.

****

With all his strength (although it wasn't really necessary), Funboy pulled his pants downward and to the front, de-attaching the Velcro, then he threw it away to one side, revealing a tight black boxer and his firm legs

|| Go over there, turn on the light. No, all the lights. ||

He teased with his boxers as he was about to take them off for a while, just looking at the fascinated faces in the crowd. They were just hysterically throwing the dollar bills at him.
He finally pulled down his boxers, revealing a minuscule golden thong that wasn't really "hiding" anything. Everybody was gasping: his package was pretty huge.

|| Come back here, stand on the chair. Ooh, baby, that's right! ||

He jumped off the stage and started dancing around the tables. The groom to be seemed familiar to him, like he knew him a million years before. Anyway, he didn't seem to have the amount of fun that any bachelor should have. So, he grabbed him by the lapels and dragged him to the stage with him.

|| Raise your arms in the air, now shake 'em. ||

Officer Funboy was swaying his hips in front of Clark, who looked very embarrassed but yet very enthusiast at the same time.

|| You give me reason to live. ||

With a gesture, he pointed to his abdomen for Clark to touch it, and then he did.

|| You give me reason to live. ||

They looked at each other right in the eyes, and then it hitted them both. Clark knew who Officer Funboy really was, and wondered what on earth was this guy doing, stripping at the Eager Beaver.
Phelan came out of his amnesia, remembering Clark and his own identity. So he really was a cop after all!
Clark's hands were still on the stripper's sweaty abs, while both his expressions were now of complete and pure panic.

|| You give me reason to live. ||

Phelan reacted and grabbed Clark's wrists, and dragged him backstage to his dressing room.

|| You can leave your hat on! ||

The rest of Clark's party didn't find this odd, and cheered wildly as they were disappearing from their sight.

****

Inside the dressing room.
-Phelan! You bastard! I thought you were dead! - Clark said, almost not believing his eyes.
-I wasn't dead; I was only amnesic, until just now. Your pretty eyes reminded me of whom I was. - He said, putting his robe on. Sure, Clark's eyes were pretty, but he really wasn't his type, maybe he was just trying to make the boy more uncomfortable.
-What are you doing here? - Clark looked at his robe, but remembered the image of the golden thong, and shivered.
-Exactly what it looks like: being a stripper. - He briefly went trough all his new/old memories and realized why was that disturbing to the boy. -You know? I remember your secret.
-What are you going to do about it? - Clark feared the worst.
-I could blackmail you again... but it has no point. I don't want anything in particular, I enjoy my life now, this work pays really good money. Besides... you're getting married tomorrow, right?
-Yes. - Clark's face lightened like a million watts when he remembered his future husband.
-Is it the bald billionaire boy? You two seemed too close back then. -Oh, that lovely liar weasel, he thought.
-Y...Yes... I'm marrying Lex. Lex Luthor.
They both found seats and relax, since the moment of panic had passed and suddenly this felt more like a girl talk.
-Does he know your secret?
-Long time now. He's more than OK with it.
-I remember his secret too, wanna hear it?
-About Club Zero? I already know. - Clark gave him his million-dollar smile.
-So everything's clear now. Good.
Phelan's eyes went out of focus. He was still dealing with the recovery of his memory. Clark was thinking if the caterers would be able to deliver that great amount of food without screwing up. It was going to be a great celebration. They both knew that the conversation was pretty much over.
-Have a nice wedding, Clark.
-Thanks. Good to see you again
-You too. Bye Bye.
-Bye.
Phelan watched Clark go towards the door, and he felt a little bit jealous of him. He was glad to have his memory back, but he wasn't proud of many things he did before. But then he thought: stripping is the best medicine for the soul.
Clark joined his own bachelor party again. His friends didn't notice him that much, since there was another stripper on stage. He sat quietly and took a sip of his drink. He wasn't worrying anymore. He was marrying the love of his life the next day and nothing could spoil that.
He was completely and truly happy.

THE END

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More notes:

- It's more fun if you sing out loud when you're reading. Or not.
- Did you actually expected more plot that a stripper doing his job?
- I borrowed the "Eager Beaver" from the movie Striptease (or it was something with a beaver, I'm not sure), so that's not mine either
- If you find grammar errors or typos, let me know, since english is not my first language, and I'm still trying to learn.