Ash is Stupid
This fanfic takes place right after the Unova region. You know how Ash seemed to get stupider in the Best Wishes arc? Well, that's nothing compared to the Ciompdomp arc. Ash will meet all sorts of new Pokemon as well as some familiar ones. If you thought the Unova Pokemon were weird, just you wait.
Ash had gotten off the Ciompdomp express from platform 9 and ¾. He was finally in the Ciompdomp region. The nearest town was Gaga town, where trainers got their starter Pokemon. After Ash let another trainer 'borrow' his Pokemon and then subsequently used them in a Nuzlocke run, he was left with only Pikachu.
"My Pokemon may be dead, but they can always be replaced," Ash realized. He walked into Professor Puce's lab.
"Greetings, new trainer, I am Professor Puce. We have three Pokemon here, who are the starters of the Ciompdomp region." Professor Puce was a bikini clad blonde female professor with perfect skin and a lean, not too muscular but muscular enough body. She looked like a Victoria secret super model. Only way better looking. In fact, if she had a perfect personality, she could very well be a Mary Sue. "I am not permitted to wear anything other than this bikini, ever, because I need to appeal to male fans." Puce proceeded to show Ash the starter Pokemon. A green rock guitar with eyes came out.
"This is Greenrock, a grass type." Next up was an orange Nintendo Wii. "This is Burnii, a fire type." Last and least was a blue and purple dumbbell wearing a backwards cap. "This is Gangstabell, a water type." (AN: Everyone pronounces Cofagrigus like Coe-FAG-gree-gus. Just so you know if it ever comes up.)
"I'm gonna pick all three of them, like I always do." Ash said either like a preppy female teenager or triumphantly.
"Beg pardon?" Puce questioned.
"It is really important to me. It is as important to me as the author asking his/her cousin if he/she has beaten Elevator Antics from Donkey Kong Country every time they meet." RIP fourth wall. (In case you're wondering, only people who are related to me, the author, would properly understand the bit about Elevator Antics.) This made Puce cry. She was genuinely touched by Ash's story.
"Okay, here are your stinkin Power of Three Pokemon." Puce threw the Pokemon rather hardly. So hard, they could have b0rked. The Pokeballs I mean, not the Pokemon. Ash caught them just in time. In his mouth. Oh noez! He accidentally swallowed them. AND HE'S NOT CHOKING! Okay, now he is choking. He regurgitated the Pokeballs and put them in his pocket and headed east.
He passed a sign with writing on it.
"Gary wuz here. Ash is a loser. Signed, Gary Motherfucking Oak." Ash read aloud, sounding angrier with each word. "Arceus Dammit! How dare he call me a loser and then think of himself so highly as to call himself Gary Motherfucking Oak!"
"Hi there, trainer. You up for a one on one battle?" Ash turned his head and saw who else but Gary Motherfucking Oak.
"Hell yeah!" Ash cheered.
"Go, Justin Bieber... I mean Meloetta!" Gary Motherfucking Oak sent out his Meloetta in its aria form.
"Whoa, who's that Pokemon?" Ash got out his Pokedex.
"Meloetta, the Justin Bieber Pokemon. Meloetta annoys people with its firework shriek-like singing and that's why it's so hard to catch unless either you're deaf or have ear plugs," the Pokedex beeped.
"Cool, I'm gonna catch it. Pokeball, go!" Ash was surprised when the Pokeball that he threw was blocked by Gary Motherfucking Oak.
"Dude, you can't catch other trainers' Pokemon. It's illegal," Gary Motherfucking Oak snapped.
"Why not? That's not fair!" Ash griped.
"You can only catch Pokemon FROM THE WILD," Gary Motherfucking Oak emphasized.
"Oh," Ash said in a way that would suggest that he hadn't ever at any point known that before. "Well in that case, go Sarah." Sarah is a dual type fighting and abnormal type triceratops looking Pokemon. "Your Meloetta is goin down!" Abnormal is a new typing exclusive to the Ciompdomp region. It is weak against normal, but super effective against ghost and fighting types. One of the Ciompdomp gyms uses abnormal Pokemon.
"Really? Last I checked, fighting was weak against psychic and abnormal is the only type that has a weakness against normal, so bye bye. Meloetta, use psywave." Meloetta did as instructed, and Sarah was KOed. "Gary Motherfucking Oak wins again!"
"What? But I thought fighting was strong against psychic and abnormal was strong against normal. Oh, I don't understand the world anymore. Just out of curiosity, why do you call yourself Gary Motherfucking Oak?"
Gary Motherfucking Oak cleared his throat. "Because Motherfucking is my middle name. Literally. My full name is Gary Motherfucking Oak. I'm not the only one with an unusual full name. I'm one of the few people besides you who knows this, but Ketchum is actually your middle name and FromPaletteTown is your last name. That's why you always say 'Ash Ketchum FromPaletteTown, as if anybody care about your full name."
"Nobody cares about your full name either," Ash countered.
"Touche. Well, I'll get out of your hair now. Smell ya later," Gary Motherfucking Oak sped off.
"Who was that guy?" Ash muttered to himself.
Onward he marched toward Bachicha city, home of the first gym. He checked out a brochure and found that the gym leader uses dark types.
"COOL, A DARK GYM LEADER! WE NEVER HAD ONE OF THOSE EVER!" Ash was more excited than ever since he had never battled a dark gym before cause NINTENDO IS SO UNCREATIVE AND ALWAYS DOES OVERUSED TYPES FOR NEW GYMS. So far, only Johto was lacking an electric gym. "I know that psychic is strong against dark, and I have a Rubikire." Rubikire is a psychic type Pokemon. It's body is shaped like a Rubik's cube. He ran into a random trainer who wanted to battle him.
"You're not gonna challenge the gym before ME!" she sneered. "Go, Pikachu," the other trainer called out.
"Whoa. What is that Pokemon?" Ash got out his Pokedex.
"Pikachu, the electric mouse Pokemon. Why the fuck are you looking up a Pokemon that you already have, Ass Ketchum?" The Pokedex beeped.
"Electric mouse, huh? I know that Pikachu's a grass type, and grass is weak against water, so GO, GANGSTABELL!" Ash sent out his Gangstabell, sure that he was going to win.
"Pikachu, use volt tackle." But Ash's Pokemon was faster.
"Gangstabell, use fly!" Ash commanded. Gangstabell just stood there, confused.
"Doncha know anything? Gangstabell can't learn fly. For Arceus sake, IT'S A FREAKING DUMBBELL! Arceus, you're stupid! I mean, you have a level 9001 Pikachu and you battle mine as if you had never met a Pikachu before."
"My water type lost against a grass type, which should be weak against water? I WANNA DIE!" Ash pouted.
"By the way, my name's Keisha. Wanna travel the Ciompdomp region together? We're gonna have a blast. I'm only ten years old. Boy, you look like you're at least 18. How old are you?"
"I'm ten years old. It was 13 years ago when I started my Pokemon journey and I was ten back in the Kanto region."
"Wait. So you're still ten years old even though 13 years have passed? GET AWAY FROM ME YOU PEDOPHILE! A MAN AS OLD AS YOU SHOULD NOT BE AROUND TEN YEAR OLD GIRLS LIKE ME!"
Ash never felt so unready to battle the local gym. He saw something that told him everything was going to be okay. A lady wearing glasses and with red hair shaped like an upside down Cornucopia as well as a man with blue violet hair and also wearing glasses were standing behind a kiosk. Even though they looked just like Team Rocket but with glasses, they were completely unrecognizable to Ash.
"Hello there tw- I mean trainer. Wanna win against the gym leader? Well, I have something that can help. A workout program called P90X for your Pokemon."
"Cool! Here's my Pokemon so they can train hard!" Ash gave the perfectly rational, non-evil guys all his Pokemon (end sarcasm). And that's when...
"Team Rocket? It was you?" Ash said as Jessie and James took off their glasses.
"(Insert original Team Rocket motto.)" Said Jessie and James (they didn't actually say 'Insert Team Rocket motto. They actually said their motto. For the fifty trillionth time). And then...
"Meowth, that's right," said the third person speaking kitty pet with a gold nugget on his head and huge dinner plate eyes.
"Pikachu, use thunderbolt." Pikachu did as instructed, and for the 999th time, the electric proof material it was captured by was unaffected by Pikachu's thunderbolt.
"Alright. Go, Rubikire," Ash sent out his Rubikire. Rubikire used its psychic attack to bend the bars and free Pikachu.
"Go, Cofagrigus," James sent out his Cofagrigus (whaddaya know? It DID come up after all). "Mummify that Rubik's cube!" Not before this happened...
"Pikachu, thunderbolt!" Pikachu zapped Team Rocket into the sky, and they blasted off.
Finally Ash was about to face the Bachicha city gym leader. The gym leader was a white, nerdy, Goth looking woman.
"I'm Ash Ketchum from Palette town."
"Greetings, challenger. My name is Magog and I am the Bachicha city gym leader. In case you didn't read the brochure, I use dark types," she said in an auto tune sounding voice. Ash was psyched. Magog was tapping her fingers loudly, clearly lost in thought. Ash wondered if she even wanted to battle. Finally he couldn't take it anymore.
"DO YOU HAVE TO KEEP TAPPING LIKE THAT, YOU BLOATED SACK OF PROTOPLASM?" Ash yelled angrily while his cap was spinning up in the air above his head, and landed back on when he was finished.
"Go, Zoroark," Magog sent out her Zoroark. Ash was prepared to battle it with his psychic type, and I already forgot what it was, and I'm too lazy to check.
"Go (insert name of the psychic type he caught earlier.)" Ash sent out the psychic type I mentioned earlier, the same one he used against Gary Motherfucking Oak. "(name of Ash's Pokemon), use psybeam!" Ash commanded. It had no effect on Zoroark. "WHAT THE FUCK?"
"Didn't you ever learn that psychic attacks have no effect on dark types? Zoroark, use (insert name of attack that Zoroark can learn. I have not activated the event yet, but I do have the shiny dogs to do it.)" Zoroark used the specified dark type attack, and Ash's psychic type was KOed.
"I QUIT!" Ash threw down his cap and jumped up and down on it, and then stormed out of the gym.
"I can't believe I lost! Even after the P90X that I trained my Pokemon with." (he forgot that it was a Team Rocket ploy instead of the real thing.) "I wanna die! Life is no longer worth living if I lose against a gym leader on the first try."
He traveled on Birdia, the common bird Pokemon of the Ciompdomp region, all the way to Johto, to challenge Bugsy.
"Go, Shedinja," Bugsy sent out his Shedinja. Ash looked in the hole on its back, fully aware of its soul sucking capabilities. It failed. Why? Because Pokemon characters are immortal! I wonder why people ever worry about dying. Ash started his way back to the Ciompdomp region, abandoning his quest to be a Pokemon master and instead be a thrill seeker (he used his Burnii's flamethrower to cook his Pikachu alive and then he ate his fully cooked Pikachu. It tasted like chicken.)