Driven By Insanity
Author's Note: I honestly have no idea where this came from. I was just randomly on my iPod & all of a sudden my thumbs lead me to the Note app and started typing away to their heart's content for three hours straight. As a result, this one-shot! :D Like, I seriously didn't even think while I was writing this. O_O It's is also a new style of writing for me, and I think I kinda like how it turned out. [: Yay for random fluff! Review for cookies shaped like Toshiro's head! :D Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. ): ...But I own this plot ! Suck on that, Tite Kubo ! (Yeah, screw it. He still wins. -_-)
Review for cookies shaped like Toshiro's head! :D
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. ): ...But I own this plot ! Suck on that, Tite Kubo ! (Yeah, screw it. He still wins. -_-)
It was a revelation. One of those quiet, personal revelations that no one but you knew about. No one could understand how the idea started, or even knew why these types of revelations happened- but they somehow did happen and you don't know if you want the information to stay with you, or if you want to unlearn it all together. You're scared of it, scared that it will mess you up. Maybe your personality will change, maybe you'll rash out in blind rage, or maybe, just maybe, you'll come to like the revelation.
And that scares the shit out of you.
It scares you because you don't want these burdens of feelings. You think it will demolish the building blocks of the relationship that you two have been setting in stone since you first met. Friendship. That's what it is all about.
What it was all about.
Because you seem to have come to some conclusion that you feel more than friendship for the brown eyed girl. Since now, instead of that innocent child back in Rukongai, you see a strong and very capable lieutenant who is still naïve at times, but that's okay.
And you don't want it to be okay.
When she smiles, you shouldn't want to smile back. You should want to keep your stoic face and simply pass her by and merely give a slight nod of recognition. But you don't.
When she laughs, you shouldn't want to envision yourself being the one to make her laugh all the time just because when she does you feel complete inside and all you can see and hear in that moment is her.
And most importantly, when she addresses you by that absolutely absurd pet name, you shouldn't have mixed feelings about it. You should want her to state your proper title, but it shouldn't only be because you want her to recognize you are, in fact, very powerful; even more so than herself on several different levels, and can protect her whenever she needs it (which seems to be quite often since she's such a klutz). But you also should not want her to keep calling you Shiro-chan because when she does, it makes you feel like you just had a mini heart attack, but in a good way. And it shouldn't feel good. It should make a vain pop in your forehead at her lack of manners in front of your own subordinates. You shouldn't even be considering any of these feelings. You shouldn't.
But it seems you don't get a choice.
When she walks by in all her feminine glory, you try to pass the fluttering in your stomach off as nausea, the rapid beating of your heart as a result of too much sugar in your breakfast tea, and the pink on your face a product of the midday sun feeling much too warm. But you know it's all lies. You know those ludicrous happenings are because she's just so damn beautiful and perfect and you have that need to kiss her right then and there until she makes all those stupid fluttery things in your abdomen just go away.
But you think it'll never happen.
And the thought that it might not shouldn't make you sad. It should make you feel ecstatic because you get to keep a very close friend, the closest one you have. But, the voice in your head keeps nagging you, pestering for weeks on end, that you want more than friendship. Much, much more.
The voice that you think is some animated thing inside your mind- something you believe isn't real- tells you that you want to be her lover. Someone she will run to if scared, call out his name if she needs protection, and kiss when she simply feels on top of the world.
But that voice isn't animated, nor is it a side affect of some drug the 12th Division Taichou got Matsumoto to slip into your drink when you weren't looking. No, it's something far more powerful beyond any explainable reason; your heart. You never knew about it until now- never knew it could speak to you until now- because you never bothered to listen to it in the first place. But now, it's forcing you to listen to all the truths it holds, manifesting it inside your brain and gnawing at your thoughts nonstop.
And you want it to just shut up.
Not only because you feel awkward thinking about it, but you can't concentrate. When she is on your mind, you get no more paperwork done than your drunk lieutenant; which is basically none at all. You sit in your office for hours on end, trying to write a report on how your subordinates handled the last hallow attack, but to no avail.
Then, after that downfall, you sift through the mountains of paper to find ones that only require your signature. But, that was a fail also; maybe even worse than the report.
Because when she's the absolute only thing running circles in your head, her name is too. Inevitably, you sign three papers with the 5th Squad Lieutenant's name before scribbling them out and taking the short walk to your barracks in order to get some well deserved peace of mind.
You prepare a special tea Unohana-Taichou gave you that is supposed to relax your senses and make you feel calm and worry free (though her reasons for giving you the Stress Free Tea were completely not related to what you're putting it to use for at this moment). You indulge in that sip of bliss for a while, casually sitting on the floor in front of a low table. You think about things that make you peaceful and light; Obaa-san, watermelons, the thrill of seeing your opponent's face when you say a small word pronounced as Bankai, stargazing on the rooftops, Hinamo- NO.
You set the delicate cup back on the table in such a hurry that it almost spills to clutch your abnormally snow white hair in your hands and shake it back an forth like a mad man. Squeezing your eyes tight to try and push her smiling and cheerful face to the back of your mind, but it proves no use.
But for some reason..it seems okay.
And, once again, it shouldn't be okay. It should be down right wrong and stupid to even like the thought of her being in your head all the time.
But it does. It feels right. You shouldn't want it to feel right. You should want it to feel bloody ridiculous and absurd that such a proposal could even be somehow logical.
But, what would life be if everything was predicted and made sense 24/7? Less confusing, is your answer. Alas, some god in the heavens feels it is right to test your mental health and stamina until you crack. And...what exactly will happen when you reach your limit- the breaking point?
You nudge the thoughts out of your head because you certainly do /not/ want to think about it. Though, a question forcibly pushes through your mental dam.
How long are you willing to deal with this?
It's been well over a week since the revelation hit, and you still can't get the petite woman out of your mind. You think it's just a fad, an infatuation at the very least, but then...you feel as if it's not.
If not an infatuation, then what?
As soon as that four letter word drops into your ocean of thoughts, you just as quick try to pull it out. But it seems that drop is forever lost in your subconscious, never to be properly separated, no matter how hard you are willing to try.
Looking out your window, you realize it's night time and at least and hour has passed since you've been sitting there. The tea is cold now, no longer offering relaxation in any sort. Deciding to find something to calm your mind, you shunpo to the 10th Division office's roof. It makes you feel more relaxed than if you were on your own barrack's roof, though you never really understood why.
As you lay on your back and gaze up at the midnight blue sky sprinkled in twinkling lights, you sigh. It's not out of frustration, or relief, or calmness, you just...sighed. There was no real rhyme or reason to it, it just happened.
Kind of like that tiny little revelation.
Once again, you curse your mocking thoughts. You are a tough person, both physically and mentally. But this was pushing it. It was going over the edge and no matter how much or how hard you try, you know you can't go back. You can't ever go back.
Then, you come up with an idea. It's crazy. It's absolutely not full proof in the slightest, it might even make your situation worse, but you honestly have no other options unless you want to stay a mess forever. You think once the plan is done the thoughts will leave you alone. They're there for a reason- to try to make you do something- so why not see if this is it?
It's risky, and you are sure it will mess up everything you've been working for up to this instant, but...you don't fucking care. Those thoughts have finally gone too far. You've cracked.
And it shouldn't have happened. It shouldn't be an idea that you're actually considering. You really ought to not do it.
But you start on your journey anyways.
Without warning, you throw open the doors to the 5th Division office without so much as a knock, only to have them fall close behind you. You see the object of your affection standing alone in the room in front of the west window and the pale moonlight reflecting quite perfectly off her face and silhouetting her nice frame. They still have yet to replace her ex-captain, so she's used to being alone in the homey feeling room. The look on her face holds surprise at the unexpected visit, until she registers in her mind that it's you and she smiles.
You don't smile back this time. You keep that stoic face with one thing in mind, and one thing only. As you continue to stalk towards her, you see those big brown eyes giving you that look. The look that's unknowingly dragging you in deeper in your semi-unwanted need for her.
She then asks, in that darling voice that seems to drip with honey because it's just so sweet, if you need anything. You think of a two word answer, but don't dare voice it aloud.
But it's odd that you like her voice since it's so sweet and sugary. You hate sweet things, but she seems to be an exception- the exception, you realize after a brief moment.
You keep moving closer. Her expression becomes apprehensive while you gently push her into the wall next to the window with your hands on the wall to either side of her flawless face. She's pinned and there isn't really any way for her to break free since your muscle structure is larger than hers and she honestly doesn't stand a chance against you. Confusion is prominent in her eyes, as well as a question: what's going on with you, Shiro-chan?
And you plainly ignore it, because you can't explain what's going on in simple terms. Well, you could, but you won't. You won't dare say something like that so out of the blue you might as well have not said it at all. So you don't. You simply don't.
Instead, you close your eyes and lean your forehead against hers, taking a deep inhale in an attempt to calm your nerves.
And, it seems an attempt was all it was since the only thing you breathed in was purely her and it had the opposite effect you were looking for. She smelled of ripe peaches, with a hint of something close to vanilla and cinnamon mixed in. And you love it, it's downright addicting. Then, you remember why, exactly, you're here for in the first place.
You lift your head away from hers until you're two inches apart and can properly gaze at her stunning features. Over time, you had grow taller than her, if not only by an inch. But it's okay; at least you're still taller. It would be awkward if you weren't.
You look deep into her chocolate orbs with your own aqua-green ones. She's anxious, you can tell. You aren't sure if it's the bad kind or the good kind. And you pray for the latter, because things will get sticky if it's not.
You slowly lean your head in closer to her own, letting your lids fall closed in the process. You halt when your lips are a few hairs away from her own pair and you can feel her breath fanning across your face and it feels just so nice it's almost unreal. You're being considerate by giving her a choice to push you away right then and there.
And she doesn't. Which you think is good, because even if she pushed you away, you'd only try to claim that goal again and again until it was achieved. Those soft lips are just begging to be touched by another pair, but yours are the only pair that you're going to allow that to happen with. Only yours.
So you go on instinct. You press your lips onto hers, light as a feather but with the passion of a god. You also realize, to your utter satisfaction, her lips taste exactly how she smells and they feel just like the inside of a rose.
Your mind keeps chanting things like 'you shouldn't want this' or 'you need to stop before you get even more lost.' But you simply tell your mind to fuck off, because this experience is just so damn great you couldn't possibly care less about what your pointless thoughts are saying.
Because it doesn't matter about 'shouldn't's and 'want's. All that matters are facts. Facts remain until the end of time, even when you have long since passed; facts are forever. And sooner or later, you come to revel in the facts and don't mind them. Looking back, you feel happy you discovered that tid bit of information. Why? Because it all lead you here to this moment, kissing her for the first time without a care in the world. And the best part?
She's kissing you back.