I sat on my bed my eyes glazed over as I stared at the picture in front of me. Your arm was wrapped around my shoulders as you kissed my cheek. I was trying to push you away laughing when my best friend snapped it. Later he printed it and gave a copy to both of us. I don't think you need yours anymore.
A tear drop fell on the picture, lying like a puddle on the glass. Slowly putting the picture next to all the others I laid down on my bed as the memories came flooding back, tears flowing down my cheeks.
Our first date you were complaining about the expenses and how this was probably a waste of your time. By prom we were estimated to spend our entire lives together. Three years after school though is when it happened. You got cancer.
Today was your funeral. I didn't go. I don't know why. I just couldn't bring myself to go to the funeral. I keep thinking back to when you asked me to marry you. I said 'No, I'm not ready.' I wish I said yes. Then I would have been able to say we were married before you died. I would have asked them to bury you in the graveyard with the rest of your family, not the one three miles away from the hospital.
The day they said you died I didn't shed a tear. I couldn't shed a tear because that was too little. I just stood there staring as the put you in a body bag. My best friend and yours wept but I didn't.
Tears thickened. I wish I died as well. Then I wouldn't have to live without you. I can't say I wished I died instead of you because than you would be the one in my place. It's worse than dyeing. I would never wish something like that on you. I glanced to the side at the gun next to me.
Life isn't worth living without you. My hand slowly found it to the handle. At the same time as touching it my mind flashed to my parents, my friends. They would all be sad if I died wouldn't they? Then a picture of you flashed through my brain. You wouldn't want me to kill myself. I remember the last conversation we had. You wanted me to be happy, to find someone else. I kept saying no. The last words I said to you were 'I hate you'. I was angry at you for saying you were going to die soon. I didn't want you to leave me.
I dropped my hand and just stared at it. I'm not sure whether you would want me dead or to live. My hand went back to the gun, slowly picking up I starred at the trigger. I don't know whether I want to live or die.
I remember the time when one of the kids created suicide. You said, "They were too weak to live their lives. You would have to be truly pathetic to choose to die by your own hands." Is that how you would see me if I pulled the trigger and killed myself? I slowly returned it back to its resting place.
I don't want you to look at me as if I'm pathetic. I always tried to be something in your eyes. If I went this way I would be nothing in your eyes but someone to pathetic to live. But that's what I am now… I have no reason to live. You were my reason to live.
I remember when I got hit by the car, you said "Looks like I'm not that lucky. You still live. Damn, you must be immortal." I responded with, "Only immortal for you 'Kuzu." It's true; I only lived because I had a reason to. Now I have nothing in my life. Nothing to live for.
Grabbing the gun again and pointing it at my chin I let out more tears. I don't think you would be happy though. I think you would want me to keep living. I almost put the gun down before remembering something I told you, "I would die if you left me 'Kuzu. Don't… please don't leave me." You were going to another country, for war. You didn't leave me.
A small smile stole my lips. It was true. I would die if you left me. I pointed the gun, my finger at the trigger as I heard my friend crash through the room yelling at me not to shoot.
I pulled the trigger and saw my life flash through my eyes before darkness claimed me. The last words I said were, "I'm sorry."
Eh… didn't come out like I was hoping for but… oh well. Another some-what depressing one form me :P.