The Inescapable Bouquet and Garter Catalyst

Hi guys it's my first Big Bang Theory fic so I apologise for any ooc or general boringness.
I love the show, love the cast and love shenny! But unfortunately do not own the characters or show.

Thoughts
"Speech"

...

Roll the credits

…and it all started with a big bang… BANG!

Knock, knock, knock
"Penny"
Knock, knock, knock
"Penny"
Knock, knock, knock
"Penny"

Frowning at the silence he raised his fist to start over.

Knock, knock, knock
"Sheldon"

Jerking at the fist hitting his shoulder he turned scowling,

"Pe-"

Knock, knock, knock
"Sheldon"
Knock, knock, knock
"Sheldon", she finished with a smug grin.

Pushing the dainty fist off his chest he glowered,
"Really Penny was there any need to..."

"Sheldon" she groaned,

"…although with what one might call and I quote 'your intellect' or rather lack of it, it hardly surprises me that you might mistake, I dare say one of your own your kind as a door."

Tirade over Sheldon looked at Penny curiously. There she stood crossing her arms, with the expression of a cat that just got the cream. A feral smirk.
Usually she would be throwing her own tantrum by now.

He slowly backed up clutching an arm under his jaw for fear of her going junior rodeo on him; she on the other hand followed him until she had to crane her head upwards to see his face.

"Aww honey that's so sweet, you've upgraded me to homo novus" she sang, and proceeded to poke him on the nose.

Flinching he jerked back.

"Homo Novus?" he drawled, Texan accent flaring. With a knowing look he continued,

"Penny. I myself have an IQ of 187-"

"-You're the beautiful genius, why don't you use that epidermy memory thingy…"

"Epidermy memory thingy?" hackles raised he bent towards Penny, "The term is Eidetic Memory, one that you clearly have never and will never obtain. Eidetic stems from the…"

Drowning him out, she waved one hand in surrender, the other to search in her pockets

"…the cognitive memory-"

Getting bored quickly she interjects.

"Okay, okay, I get it. I'm lower than your mighty specie. Now, can you move? I have a date"

Jangling her keys in his face, he frowns but side steps, barely leaving her enough space to unlock the door.

-Whackadoodle.

"Penny, I asked with whom are you having coitus with tonight"

Door open she turns with a sigh,

"Date. I said a date Sheldon."

"Yes," He drawls, "I said that, but with whom? Surely not Leonard as your well aware he's unavailable."

"With a bottle Sheldon. A bottle of wine. Now goodbye!"

And with that she slams the door on him.

…...

Lying in the bath with a tall glass of her 'date' Penny let the bubbles soothe away her tension- or tried to.

She kind of felt bad for slamming the door on Sheldon earlier, but her shift at work was not the happiest, and Sheldon mentioning Leonard certainly hadn't made her feel any better.

Especially when Leonard and his reason for being unavailable had strolled into the cheesecake factory.

Priya. Hanging all over him like she was stuck to him.

Urgh, it had been hard, very hard not to drop the salad no garnish, no cheese, no fat on the floor of the kitchen before serving.

An evil smile graced her feature at the thought of giving Priya floored food.

But no Penny doesn't stoop to such school girl levels, unlike Miss Priya. No, even after being congratulated on this day being her 4th year at the cheesecake factory, and asked how the acting was going and whether she was going to diet to give her a better chance of getting a role…

Swigging the rest of the wine down she sinks back into the bubbles.

Screw them.

…...

Lurching out of the now cold bubbles Penny frantically looked about.

-Beep –Beep

Ahh her phone, that's what had woke her.

After pulling out the plug she reached for her towel and flipped open her phone.

"Hello?"

"Hallo there Penny, this is Sheldon's mama. You remember me don'tcha?"

Fumbling for the phone Penny wondered why Sheldon's mom was ringing her. Was it closing the door on him earlier? Surely that deserved a strike not a phone call? That little whackadoodle, she was going to go all out junior rodeo on his ass.

Jerking her towel around her she replied.

"Of course Mrs Cooper! Are you alright?"

"Why yes dearie, I'm quite fine. A bit tired because of the goings on and all but very excited! Now I'm just ringing to see when you and Shelly are gonna be here so I can get your rooms ready. Of course I'm not gonna let y'all stay in a motel when you can both stay at his mama's.

"WHAT?" Penny all but screeched, reaching for the now dropped phone.

"Ah Penny dear, Missy's wedding. You an' Shelly are both coming down on Friday and staying the weekend for it."

At Penny's silence Mary Cooper's voice began to get higher pitch and quicker.

"-That boy didn't tell you nothin' did he?"

"No, he didn't" Penny grudgingly replied, storming through her apartment.

"Me and Missy suspected he wouldn't come. Say he'd have experiments to do, and things to prove, but its own twin for crying out loud. And as you for, well we know he'd feel more comfortable with your friendly face and of course me and Missy love ya'll to bits, and his memaw wanted to see you again; to catch up and share stories on Shelly. The Lord above may have blessed me with a genius, but you have to be a genius to understand him. Ain't that right Penny?"

"Yes maam" She drawled her own Nebraskan roots coming through.

"One minute honey, let me try him"

Penny nodded to the phone and stormed across to 4A, slamming her fist against the door.

Knock, knock, knock
"SHELDON"

Knock, knock, knock
"SHELDON"

Knock, knock, knock
"SHELDON"

Hearing Mrs Cooper's voice again she pushed the phone against her ear.

The door remained shut.

"He's not answering his phone Penny"

"Oh I can do one better" Penny growled,

She wrenched the door open.

"SHEEELDOOOON!"

"Good lord" he muttered running out of his bedroom. Soon to stop in the middle of the living room to glare at Penny.

"Penny! Why are you in my apartment?"

His voice getting higher and higher,

"PENNY! Why are you just in a towel? Are you wet? Penny you can't be dripping in my apartment…"

Strolling up to him she put the phone to his ear.

"It's your mom."

Looking visibly ashen he reached up and held the phone himself.

"Mom?"