Author's note: Yes, another crackfic. What can I say? Work has been eating me alive lately, and every time I try to work on either of my longer stories, my brain shuts down. I hope this proves entertaining, though, and if I'm lucky work will let me get back to Corazones and Order Up soon.
Obviously, I'm not the one to invent this "owner's manual" concept; I've seen variations of it floating around all over the place. So I didn't make this up, I just borrowed an idea that's seen a lot of versions so far.
Disclaimer: G.I. Joe and all associated characters and concepts are property of Hasbro Inc, and I derive no profit from this. Please accept this in the spirit with which it is offered—as a work of respect and love, not an attempt to claim ownership or earn money from this intellectual property.
Introduction to Your New Snake-Eyes
by Totenkinder Madchen
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of one (1) SNAKE-EYES unit, proudly manufactured in the United States of America by PIT INC. Given the proper care and affection, your unit will be a lifelong friend and will wreak bloody vengeance on anyone who dares to harm you.
The SNAKE-EYES unit is NOT FOR USE BY CHILDREN. Children tend to die tragically around this unit. For your own safety, it is recommended that you read this entire manual thoroughly before opening the box and activating your new unit.
Your box should contain:
One (1) SNAKE-EYES unit with interchangeable face options.
Three (3) face options: Normal, Minorly Scarred, and Mutilated.
One (1) intimidating commando mask.
One (1) TIMBER accessory pack.
Inestimable (10,000,000+) ninja weapons. Don't try counting them all, trust us.
Activating your unit:
Before proceeding with the activation, it is STRONGLY RECOMMENDED that you check your SNAKE-EYES' unit's back and locate the 'Family' switch. If your unit has come packaged in Vietnam-era fatigues and is wearing the Normal face option, the Family switch should be set to 'Alive.' In all other circumstances, the switch should be set to 'Dead.' Except in the situation mentioned previously, PIT INC. recommends that you tape this switch down on the 'Dead' setting in order to prevent your unit from being overcome by canon snarls and crippling metaphysical uncertainty.
The unit should be activated in a bright, warm place, preferably outdoors and without too many shadows to hide in. Under no circumstances should the TIMBER accessory pack be opened before the unit is activated; the TIMBER unit may decide you are attempting to injure the SNAKE-EYES unit and will remedy the situation with all the grace and subtlety of Jason Voorhees. (PIT INC. is not responsible for any damages incurred in cases of improper activation or murble murble legalese legalese legalese booya.)
Once activated, stand back with both hands where the SNAKE-EYES unit can see them and don't make any sudden movements. Your new SNAKE-EYES is naturally curious and will immediately begin to explore the vicinity. During this time it is advisable that you activate the TIMBER unit and feed it something; this will help signal your peaceful intentions to your SNAKE-EYES.
Caring for your new ninja:
For the most part, your SNAKE-EYES unit is perfectly capable of feeding and cleaning himself, and for the most part, it is not recommended that you attempt to aid him in these activities. If you live in a rural area, it is advised that you allow the SNAKE-EYES to catch his own food.
If your SNAKE-EYES has recently been involved in a helicopter crash and is no longer able to wear the Normal face option, it may have difficulty caring for itself, will experience periods of reduced activity, and may occasionally peel bits of burnt skin off its own face. This is normal and healthy. Provide your unit with the essentials of care but do not act too nice to it, or else it will have nothing to angst about later. Alternatively, if you own a SCARLETT unit, allow it to care for the injured SNAKE-EYES and watch the emo pile up. The TIMBER accessory should not be allowed near the SNAKE-EYES unit during this time, since it will trigger the abovementioned canonical/metaphysical uncertainty and the smell of burnt skin may cause it to become hungry.
Modes of operation
Your SNAKE-EYES unit comes preprogrammed with several modes which make it an excellent friend and helpful lifelong companion. At time of this manual's printing, these modes are:
Out for Revenge
The Commando unit is your SNAKE-EYES' default mode. While in this mode your SNAKE-EYES will be quiet, watchful, wary, and intimidating, but not actively terrifying. He may go hunting, stare contemplatively at sunsets, and possibly (if Normal face is equipped) even smile or say a few audible words. For best Commando experience, keep the Normal face equipped and the Family switch set to Alive.
The Ninja mode is the next most common option and the second level of Commando. It is accessible from all three face options but cannot be obtained unless the Family switch is set to Dead at all times. In this mode, your SNAKE-EYES will be nigh-undetectable and capable of carrying seemingly-impossible numbers of undetectable weapons. Your unit will experience the greatest level of interaction with most PIT INC. units while in this mode, but has a varying relationship with the STORM SHADOW and SCARLETT units.
SuperUltraUndeadMysticBadass is an optional mode which is only unlockable with the installation of the Questionable Continuity© expansion pack. Once the pack is installed, your SNAKE-EYES will be capable of returning from the dead, reading the minds of his enemies, and wearing a late-90s comic book ninja costume without looking utterly ridiculous. This mode is not for everyone, as the expansion pack cripples your SNAKE-EYES' ability to express emotions or act in an in-character manner pertaining to the SCARLETT unit.
The Out for Revenge mode is only accessible when both the Mutilated and Dead Family options are selected. During this time your SNAKE-EYES will be increasingly moody, show a tendency to go out in public with his costume covered by a fedora and trenchcoat, and will be unabashedly hostile towards the STORM SHADOW unit.
The Sensei mode will be activated whenever your SNAKE-EYES interacts with other friendly PIT INC. models. In addition to being curious and intelligent, the SNAKE-EYES unit combines combat pragmatism with a slightly warped sense of humor, and will endeavor to instruct your other units in martial arts via various painful methods. For the most part, though, the units will not be permanently injured by this process. If your SNAKE-EYES goes ahead and kills one of these friendly units, congratulations! You are actually the proud new owner of a limited-edition ZARTAN unit, and we really feel for you.
The Fiance mode is the most difficult mode to unlock and can only be obtained by combining Mutilated or Minorly Scarred Face, Dead Family, and a SCARLETT unit. The SCARLETT and SNAKE-EYES unit will spend several months getting to know each other, rescue each other from ridiculously dangerous situations (we advise that you have your insurance policy paid up if you intend to unlock this mode) and eventually be found kissing in the middle of a firefight. This is currently the highest and rarest option attainable for the SNAKE-EYES unit, as no plans have yet been made to release a Husband mode.
Note that all modes come with the pre-installed "Angst" subroutine.
Interactions with other units:
For the most part, your SNAKE-EYES will have an amiable relationship with other units produced by PIT INC. As a general rule, we do not recommend attempting to force cross-platform functionality between PIT INC. units and those made by BROCA LTD., as these units are invariably incompatible and will frequently break (each other).
STORM SHADOW – Your SNAKE-EYES will exhibit a wide range of reactions regarding a STORM SHADOW unit. If your SNAKE-EYES has previously gone into Out for Revenge mode, your STORM SHADOW will have unlocked the "Blood Brothers" behavior option and the two will be vitriolic best buddies. If not, well, we did warn you about the insurance.
SCARLETT – The SCARLETT unit is by far the most compatible with the SNAKE-EYES unit. They will have the occasional blazing row, but provided there are no DUKE or RIPCORD units interfering, a SCARLETT unit will help your SNAKE-EYES become all the stronger and more determined. A SNAKE-EYES which has unlocked Fiance mode should not be separated from its SCARLETT unit on pain of spontaneous blood-falling-out-ness.
STALKER – The limited-edition STALKER unit is an oft-overlooked but highly compatible addition to your SNAKE-EYES. Its reactions are almost entirely identical no matter what face or family option the SNAKE-EYES is currently set on, and if the SNAKE-EYES and SCARLETT are having a tiff, the STALKER will act as a mediator. Warning: if the SNAKE-EYES is Mutilated or Minorly Scarred, its inability to communicate will unlock the STALKER unit's "As You Know, Bob" option.
DUKE – The DUKE unit is a possibility, depending on your preferences regarding the units. If you are intending to build a commando team, the DUKE unit is an invaluable addition; however, if you prefer to maintain a small group of two or three harmonious units, the DUKE will throw a spanner in the works faster than you can say "weird love triangle" and may attempt to press its attentions on any SCARLETT units in the vicinity. This may trigger your SNAKE-EYES' "Angst" subroutine and cause uncomfortableness all 'round.
GENERAL HAWK – An extremely rare option, but a compatible one. The GENERAL HAWK unit will earn your SNAKE-EYES' trust and loyalty, as well as occasionally dispensing advice with a casual, not-that-any-of-this-stuff-applies-to-you attitude that serves the job without violating those pesky regs. Any attempted injury to the GENERAL HAWK unit will instantly trigger the Out for Revenge mode, and on rare occasions will unlock the SuperUltraUndeadMysticBadass mode without installation of the Questionable Canon expansion pack. No, we don't know how that works either.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q. My Snake-Eyes has been gone for over a week, and I can't find him anywhere! Timber is missing too!
A. Don't panic. Your unit is in for a rather intensive period of brooding and has likely found a secluded spot in which to angst. If you live in a rural area, check the mountain ranges for suspiciously well-built yet primitive cabins. If located in an urban area, your unit is likely on the roof doing a Batman impression.
Q. Something's weird. Every time my Snake-Eyes does anything, there's this fluttery flute sound. It's driving me nuts!
A. You have purchased the limited-edition Renegades model unit, which fulfills many of the same functions but does not have as many face or characterization options. Should've double-checked the form before you ordered, buddy.
Q. The Snake-Eyes is ignoring my Scarlett unit! He's spending all his time with Storm Shadow instead. Is something wrong?
A. You may want to check your unit's options and confirm that you have not enabled Yaoi mode. If this mode is enabled, your SNAKE-EYES may begin flirting with the STORM SHADOW, and everything will get very mixed-up very quickly. Alternately, if Yaoi mode is not enabled, your SNAKE-EYES might have had a fight with SCARLETT and both of them are cooling off. Check your SCARLETT's hair; if she has experienced a drastic change in hairstyle, the two are likely to reconcile soon.
Q. I keep finding technicolor ninjas in my house! What the heck's going on?
A. If your SNAKE-EYES has been kept in Sensei mode too long, it may begin attracting Apprentice freeware units. Take steps to switch its mode immediately and set aside some yard space for a dojo.
Q. Now there's somebody in a beret and tiger-striped pants!
A. Oh dear. The presence of Apprentice freeware has opened the door for the Tiger Force add-ons. Give your SNAKE-EYES a good disinfecting immediately and summon the nearest LADY JAYE unit to retrieve the errant FLINT.
A well-cared-for SNAKE-EYES is a protector and a friend, a valuable addition to any family and the perfect option if you're consistently being hunted by evil ninjas in red jammies. PIT INC. is happy to offer this and many other quality units to the public. Remember: buy PIT, and don't go broke buying BROCA!
If you have any further questions or concerns regarding your SNAKE-EYES unit, please call 1-800-YOGIJOE or visit us online at www . totallylegitbusiness . us . gov.