A/N: Here's the first chappie of my next multi-chappie fic. Hang on to your panties… this is gonna be a fun, fun ride.
I have so much love for my team… Twilifed113, gjficfan, and shadow4kissed. Chickypoos, I can't thank you enough. And LFC Hotstuff, you're in my thoughts.
SM owns Twilight.
I looked up through narrowed eyes at the sound of some moron honking his horn, repeatedly. "Some people work at home around here, you damn ass monkeys," I ranted like an idiot to the empty room of my home office as if someone was actually going to hear me.
Pissed off, I pushed myself away from my desk with a huff and picked up my Chihuahua, Diablo, from my lap and tucked him under my arm. I stomped over to the window and pulled the curtain back to see if I could catch who was making the ruckus outside and interrupting my work day. I was ready to kick some ass. Well, not really considering I weighed a buck ten soaking wet and was a serious yellow-bellied chicken shit. But I was fired up on all cylinders and most certainly ready to kick some verbal ass. I was completely confident that I could claw some eyeballs or crack some nuts with my venomous tongue.
That thought made me giggle.
As my eyes searched out the window for my victims that I was going to verbally violate, I saw a U-Haul truck backed up to the garage of the house next door. I knew the house had sold, but didn't know when I'd be getting new neighbors. Today must be the day.
A sigh escaped me as I sat Diablo down on the floor and stretched my arms above my head. It was time for a snack and another good old cup of Joe.
I grabbed my coffee mug - the one with 'I'm so fucking happy I could shit rainbows' emblazoned across it - off my desk and walked into the kitchen. I quickly poured myself a fresh cup and grabbed a granola bar.
As I sat at the kitchen table and slowly ate my snack, I worried about who was moving in. My former neighbors moved due to a job transfer. We got along great, and I missed them terribly so I was really nervous about getting replacements. There's nothing in the world worse than having ass wipes living next door to you. And I've had some whoppers in the past. They can make your life a living hell especially when you work at home.
I finished up my granola bar and gave Diablo the last bite. After refilling my coffee cup, I headed back to my office. Curiosity got the best of me so I stopped at the window and peeped out again, hoping to catch a glimpse of someone. Unfortunately, all I saw were movers carrying in large pieces of furniture.
Plopping down at my desk, I started typing away at my computer. After I graduated college, I managed to land a fantastic job working for an insurance company as an underwriter and was lucky enough to work from home.
I stopped and stared at my computer screen in disbelief. The application that I was currently working on made me snort loudly as I shook my head at the stupidity before me. I had a guy that weighed 300 pounds, had high blood pressure and high cholesterol, yet still wanted us to insure him for a million bucks. He was one chili cheese fry away from a toe tag.
After denying his application, I made the appropriate notes to the file and closed it.
I looked up at the clock and had to do a double-take. The afternoon had zipped by fast. After checking my email one last time, I shut down my computer. Diablo stood in my lap and stretched his little body. I gave him a quick kiss on his head before I carried his spoiled little cute ass to the back door and let him outside.
I started pulling veggies out of the fridge to throw together a salad when my cell phone rang. Smiling, I grabbed it from my pocket.
"Hey, Rosy-Posy," I answered in an annoying sing-song voice. She hated it when I called her that so I made sure I did it a lot.
"Hey, Bella-bitch, what's up?" she replied. I could almost see her sneer through the phone. It made me giggle.
"Not much. Oh, guess what? I'm getting new neighbors today."
"Really? Have you seen them yet? Damn, I hope it's a house full of sexy doctors who like to take anal temperatures with their really, large thermometers."
"Jesus, Rose, you're a filthy slut."
"Can't a girl dream a little? And if my dream comes true, I'm moving in with you, babe."
"Ha! Not going to happen. Hey, are you still coming over Friday night?" I asked as I cut up some tomatoes.
"Are you crazy? Of course my ass will be there."
"All right, love you."
"Right back 'atcha, bitch," she said, and I smiled as we hung up.
Rose was my best friend. We met my last year in college when I worked part-time in an accounting firm. She was an accountant. She could set the porn industry on fire if a film crew followed her around for a day… and a night. Rose liked her men. And she had them lined up, let me tell you.
She was 5'11" in stocking feet with straight, platinum blonde hair down to the middle of her back. She had eyes the color of a crystal blue sky and voluptuous curves that went on for days.
Her typical office attire consisted of a business suit with a skirt striking her mid-thigh. It was so tight around her large ass that she could barely bend over without splitting the seam. She usually paired her ensembles with fish-net stockings and some type of designer shoe with a minimum 4" heel.
To accentuate her massive mountainous assets, she always wore some type of blouse with a plunging neckline showing off an obscene amount of breasty cleavage. And she loved adding her black horn-rimmed glasses for special effect.
She literally made men drool and lose their damn minds.
Rose was also a hard-assed bitch. We instantly clicked, which was really quite hilarious. I think somehow my easy going nature and her abrasive bitchiness balanced each other out.
Just as I took a bite of my salad, I heard scratching at the back door. I hopped up and let Diablo in and went back to the table to finish my supper. While I chewed, I looked down at him.
He was sitting up on his hind legs, quietly begging. It was truly embarrassing how much that little piece of shit owned my ass. I turned back to my salad and could feel his beady little eyes on me, trying to stare a hole into my skull. Grinning, I picked out a piece of chicken from my salad and slipped it to him.
He was such a cute little stink bomb. His coloring was black with white markings. He had a white patch in the center of his forehead and two little white patches on both sides of his tiny black nose. His legs and under-body were white. His entire body was black as well as his tail except for the very tip, which looked like it had been dipped in white paint.
To be perfectly honest, he was ugly as sin. I mean, he was just so damn ugly that it made him kind of cute and adorable. His ugly grew on you after a while.
He was a tiny little thing too; he only weighed four pounds. And even though he was really cugly - that's my made-up word for his weird cute/ugliness - his personality was a whole other story. Evil dwelt inside of him. I swear that he was Satan incarnate. That's why I named him Diablo, which means "devil" in Spanish. He was full of ornery from his little black snout to the white tip of his tail. And he constantly made me laugh my ass off.
He loved me completely, was fiercely protective, and hated every other soul on the planet earth. He snarled, growled ferociously, and proudly showed every crooked fang in his itty-bitty mouth to everyone except me.
For me, he was like a kitten, but to the rest of humanity, he was a demon devil in dog form. He snuggled and slept in my lap all day while I worked, and he would kiss my face off whenever I picked him up. He pretty much worshiped me and like I mentioned before… he owned my ass.
After I cleaned up my dishes and put everything away, I fed him and then decided to go upstairs and take a shower. I toweled off and walked into my bedroom to throw on some clothes. Just as I opened my drawer to pull out some undies, I heard voices. I perked up, having completely forgotten about my new neighbors.
All of my windows were open as it was a beautiful spring day. I had three windows in my bedroom facing the front of the house, but none facing the side with the new neighbors. So I couldn't see them, but I could hear them.
I figured I could go introduce myself to them tomorrow because they were probably really busy today with the move and all. But I didn't think it would hurt to take a little peek at them.
Wrapping a towel around my naked self, I headed downstairs and over to the window in my family room. I pushed the curtain back a bit, looking to see if I could catch a glimpse of anyone.
"Oh, fuck!" I heard a woman's voice scream loudly.
My hand flew to my mouth, and I dropped the curtain and grabbed at my chest, breathing heavily. I had just gotten the shit scared completely out of me.
"Oh god, just like that! You know how to lick me so good!" I heard the woman cry out again.
I felt like my eyes were going to bulge out of my head. I stood there for a few minutes still holding my chest and trying to catch my breath, and that's when it dawned on me. My new neighbors were christening their new home very loudly, so loudly that the whole damn neighborhood could hear it. Now the civilized thing for me to do would have been to march myself back upstairs, finish getting dressed and read my book like I was intending to do. But the sick, twisted, perverted side of me wanted to take another peek... just one tiny, itsy-bitsy little peek.
So I stood there, leaning up against the wall listening to the screaming and panting coming from next door, waging a war with myself.
"Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it," I mumbled to myself as I turned and pulled the curtain back again not listening to a word coming from my mouth. It was just starting to get dark, and my eyes immediately zoned in on the light coming from the kitchen. My new neighbors apparently had all of their windows open like I did since I could hear every word, grunt and moan being uttered. There were no coverings on the windows yet since they'd just moved in.
"Holy shit," I said under my breath.
My new neighbor had his woman sprawled out on the end of their kitchen table like an all-you-can-eat buffet. And he looked like a starving man devouring everything that was on the menu. His woman was running her hands through his hair so that it was sticking up all over his head.
There were three large windows in their kitchen that faced my house. They had a rectangular six-person kitchen table next to the windows that was adjacent to me. So I had a perfect side view of everything that was going on.
I couldn't see the man's face, obviously, since he was chowing down in the chic's crotch. All I could see was a mound of dark hair on his head, kind of a reddish brown color, sticking out from between her legs. Even though he was bent down, and I couldn't see much of his body, I could tell he was seriously hot. The tops of his shoulders were all muscled and toned. His meal on the table looked like she could have been a swimsuit model; long, dark wavy hair, an incredible, probably fake rack and a tiny waist. I could also see the glitter of a belly button piercing. And she was writhing on the table in complete ecstasy.
I couldn't believe I actually felt jealous of the woman and I'd never met her or seen her before in my life, but I was. Jealous that is. No one had ever gone down on me before. It was an embarrassing secret that only Rose knew. I could never keep secrets from that bitch. She had some kind of sex sixth sense. She just knew things without me even opening my mouth. It wasn't that I didn't want to have someone do that to me; it was just that the men that I'd been with weren't into it.
I quickly closed the curtain again and leaned against the wall, holding my chest. I looked down and realized that I was standing there in only my towel.
"Walk away from the window," I commanded to myself. But of course I never listened to that person. Even though I was completely disturbed by my actions, I once again turned and peeled the curtain back.
"I'm coming, I'm coming, yes, yes, oh shit, oh baby, oh shit oh shiiiiiiitttttt!" I heard the buffet on the table scream.
The man stood up, and I felt myself get all weak-kneed when I got a great side view of him. He was breathtaking; tall, not overly muscular but more lanky and toned. His profile was astounding. His jaw… I'd never seen a jaw like that before. I could only see his profile from my angle, but that was enough. I never knew a jaw could make a woman wet just from looking at it, but trust me, his did. And now that he was standing, I got a perfect side view of his behemoth... behemoth... bratwurst. That was the first word that popped into my head to describe that giant thing I saw stretched long and hard in front of him.
I'd never seen a cock of that magnitude before. Sure, maybe in a porno that had accidentally popped up on my computer occasionally. That damn spam. But I always thought porn stars were freaks of nature or just the results of good camera angles.
As I stared at that fine piece of man, I decided I needed to give him a name. I liked to name things. I was kind of weird and bizarre like that. It was a personality defect. I considered maybe Mr. Sex but decided that was boring and unimaginative. Then I thought about Mr. Fuckhawtness, but didn't like the ring to it. The guy was definitely naughty. Maybe I could call him Mr. Naughty. Mr. Naughty Neighbor? Mr. Nasty Naughty Neighbor? Triple N? Oh, I liked that a lot.
I let my gaze roam over Triple N basically eye fucking the poor unsuspecting bastard to death. He should have been completely exhausted from the kinky things my eyes were doing to him. I watched as he moved closer to his woman buffet on the table, and I stared at his totally rounded, firm ass cheeks that looked just so damn squeezable. I squeezed my hands tightly wishing for just a moment that I could check the expiration date on those buns of his. And suddenly I saw two hands sneak around him and squeeze those luscious lumps.
For just a second I wondered if swimsuit-model-buffet-chic heard my thoughts. I started giggling a little.
She pulled him towards her and suddenly he thrust into her hard in one fell swoop. I started fanning myself because, damn, that was hot!
He started thrusting rapidly, his tight ass flexing with each pump.
I closed the curtain again and squeezed my eyes shut, leaning my forehead against the wall. I slowly started banging it. My thoughts were shifting to a bad, bad place… a sick place where deviant, horny people lived.
I knew I shouldn't do it, and I knew that it was wrong, wrong, wrong on so many levels, but I was a weak and very disturbed individual. I ran upstairs and pulled out my step stool. Reaching into the top of my closet, I rummaged around until I found my dildo. I kept it hidden there so Jared wouldn't find it. I was totally embarrassed that I owned one and didn't want anyone on the planet earth to know about it.
It had been a while since I'd had a good orgasm, and I was horny as hell. I knew this was wrong but how often do you get a fuck hot free live porn show in the comfortable privacy of your own home?
I ran back downstairs to my front row VIP spot by the window and started up Mr. Duncan D. Dildo, aka Triple D.
My eyes darted shamefully from my left to my right around my family room to see if anyone was watching what I was about to do. But then I just started chuckling because who the hell would be watching? Casper, or maybe the Invisible Man?
With a quick eye roll at myself, I started to turn my attention back to the window when something caught my eye. I looked down and frowned when I saw Diablo sitting about three feet away from me, staring at me like I was the live porn show.
"Oh, hell, no, you are so not watching me do this. I feel guilty enough as it is," I whispered to him, remembering that the windows were open. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed him a rawhide and handed it to him. He dragged it over to his dog bed and happily started chewing on it, totally ignoring me.
Now that I had him taken care of, I opened the curtain a bit to see what act the porn show was now performing. Triple N was sitting on the table and the swimsuit model was straddling him riding his cock like she was at the rodeo riding a bucking bronco. I fired Duncan up and ran him over my clit a couple of times.
His large hands were all over her. They traveled over her large breasts, down her back and then squeezed her ass as she bounced on him. His right hand reached up and caught one of her massive tits, cupping it. He held onto it while he latched his mouth onto her large, dark nipple.
By this time, I was completely worked up so my pussy was embarrassingly wet. I slipped the dildo inside and gently slid it in and out. My breath hitched as I saw Triple N suddenly pick up the model and bend her over the table.
I let out a frustrated huff because I didn't get a good look at his face. He slid into swimsuit girl and started pounding the shit out of her pussy. He reached his hands down and grabbed her tits and then slid one hand between her legs. I assumed it was to rub her clit since I couldn't really see what his hand was doing. My suspicions were confirmed when she started screaming loud obscenities and slapping her hands loudly against the table. He kept rubbing and pounding into her over and over.
Then he slapped her ass.
And that did it for me.
I started coming and pulsing and pulsing like there were a million tiny volcanoes exploding between my legs. It was so intense that my knees almost buckled. I had to clutch the curtain to keep from falling over. I kept watching them while the tremors started to dissipate. Triple N picked up the pace and yelled out, "Fuck!" He kept thrusting rapidly holding onto her ass for leverage. He kept pounding her over and over again like his orgasm was never going to end.
I stood there just staring, completely spent and panting like an out-of-shape race horse. I was in complete awe of my new neighbor. He was an absolute god of all things sexual.
I looked down at the disgusting dildo dangling from my fingertips as I tried to calm my breathing down. Just as I went to steal another peek out the window, my phone rang. It scared the shitty bejesus out of me, startling me so badly that I screamed like one of those awful B-movie horror actresses and dropped the dildo on the floor. I hoped like hell that Triple N didn't hear me, but I screamed so embarrassingly loud that I didn't see any way he couldn't have. Irritated, I ran to the kitchen table to pick up my cell phone with my shaky hands.
I didn't want to answer it, but I knew exactly who it was from the ring tone, and I had to answer it.
"Heellllooo," I breathed heavily like a slutty porn star after a long shoot.
"Bella? What the hell are you doing?" Jared demanded.
"Nothing," I said, panting loudly in his ear.
"Um… uh… I was… exercising," I said, trying my damnedest to sound trustworthy. I shut my eyes tight and secretly prayed to Buddha that I didn't sound like I'd just been watching my neighbors sex it up while sexing myself up.
"Oh. Were you on the treadmill or the elliptical?"
"Uh… the treadmill," I said, my breathing still wacked-out. I couldn't believe he fell for my stupidity.
"That's cool. Hey, I'm hoping to get to come home next week sometime. I'm almost done with the group of contacts I had to meet with. I should be able to leave a few days early," he said.
"Oh, that's great."
"I miss you, and can't wait to see you. I'll call you tomorrow."
"Okay, I miss you, too. Bye."
Jared had been my boyfriend for the past two years. He worked as a salesman and had to do a lot of traveling. We met in a bar. He was a really great guy, but Rose hated him. And Jared hated Rose. And it pissed me off to no end that the two of them couldn't get along. But there was no compromising. It was pure hatred between them.
Jared wanted to get a lot more serious. He had begged and pleaded with me to move in with him, but I constantly refused him. I loved my home and my independence, and I was just not ready for that level of commitment.
I loved him, at least I thought I did, but I always just wished there was 'more'. And it was something that I really couldn't even define. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on. My problem was that I read too many books. I had this fairy tale vision of how love and romance was supposed to be, and it had clouded my sight. Jared was a wonderful man, and I knew I would have a really difficult time finding someone as great as he was.
I was pulled from my thoughts by growling. I looked down and my expression turned to horror when I saw Diablo chewing on the end of my purple dildo. The rawhide was beside him being completely neglected. He was snarling and trying to shake my dildo in his teeth like it was a chew toy.
"No! Shit, Diablo, that's so gross and disgusting! That's not a toy! Ugh, I think I'm gonna puke!" I whisper-yelled, and then gagged twice. I somehow managed to keep my voice down because I sure as hell didn't want Triple N or the buffet woman to hear me.
I picked up the non-chewed end of my dildo with my fingertips and stared at it for a second. Mr. Duncan D. Dildo had bite marks all over his rubber head. I said farewell and threw him in the trash. I grabbed Diablo and ran upstairs with him in my arms.
After a desperate search, I finally hunted down a spare toothbrush, and I got out the toothpaste and scrubbed his little teeth the best I could. I wanted him to swish some mouthwash around in his little mouth but figured I couldn't train him fast enough to do that.
I grabbed my robe and headed back downstairs to get a drink when I heard, "Ungh, just like that, yes, harder, baby, yes."
My eyes widened and my mouth dropped open. I zoomed over to the window as fast as my feet could take me. I looked towards the kitchen where Triple N had been performing earlier, but it was empty. Frowning, my eyes searched the windows, trying to locate them. That's when I saw that the living room light was on. Triple N was sitting on the couch with his back to me and his model was straddling his lap. I could not believe Triple N was already up for round two. Damn, the man had good recovery time.
I stood there for a moment contemplating that maybe, just maybe, the stories I had read about in my books describing all night sex-a-thons were true. Having sex like that was something I couldn't even begin to imagine. Yeah, my sex life was a bit lacking in areas, most areas. Okay, all areas.
My thoughts flashed back to the self-love that I had given myself earlier and considered that I could have possibly been up for round two as well if… my damn dog hadn't chewed my dildo!
I know I could have self-loved myself in other ways, but I liked Duncan better. I missed him already.
Later that evening, when I heard Triple N starting up round four, I closed all of the windows in the house and popped my ear buds in, blasting the music as loud as I could tolerate. I'd had enough of my new neighbor's house christening. I mean, hell, did they have to christen every freaking room in their entire house all in the same night?
I smacked the snooze on my alarm clock and snuggled back into my covers to sleep just a few more minutes. I had never been a morning person and never would be.
After hitting the snooze two more times, I finally dragged my lazy ass out of bed. I let Diablo outside and hit the bathroom. Before heading back upstairs to take a shower, I started a pot of coffee.
Today was the one day out of the month that I had to drive into the office. It was a mandatory meeting with my manager to go over my case load, production, and all other kinds of worthlessness that related to my job.
After my shower, I let Diablo back in, fed him and myself breakfast, and tried to figure out what to wear. I finally decided on a shorter than normal black skirt, a white blouse with sleeves that just touched my elbows and thigh-highs. For my shoes, I went all out and wore a pair of adorable black velvet pointy-toed beauts with a nice, dainty heel on them. I straightened my hair and pulled it back in a severe pony-tail and actually put on make-up. I had to make sure I "wowed" my employer with my once-a-month visit. Since I saw everyone in the office so infrequently, I wanted to make sure I made a good, lasting impression.
I had just slipped my phone into my bag when someone knocked at the door. Diablo went ballistic. After several tries, I finally grabbed his barking, crazy ass and yelled at him to shut the hell up. But of course he never listened to me and barked even louder. As I opened the front door, I held onto him tight as he wiggled in my arms and barked like a maniac.
There stood Triple N in the flesh. Or I should say, in the covered-up flesh. I had seen him in his fine flesh the previous night. I knew what the man's body looked like naked, but had never really gotten a good look at his face, other than the side view of that jaw. The one that made me wet. And was making me wet again.
He looked to be at least six foot two and was wearing a black pin-striped suit with a crisp white shirt and a gray tie. His face was so stunningly beautiful that it shocked me. His eyes were a blue-green color, his nose slightly crooked but fit his face well, his lips a dark pink and perfectly shaped. And that jaw… I was definitely going to have to change my panties before I left for work.
Diablo continued snarling and snapping. His upper lip was curled and all of his fangs were showing. He was completely out of control and ready to rip sexy Triple N to shreds so I kept a really tight hold on him.
I just stood there, completely paralyzed by the man's incredible looks. I could see his beautiful lips moving but couldn't hear a thing because of Diablo's incredibly loud little mouth.
"Could you shut your dog up?" Triple N finally yelled in a loud, angry voice.
His voice startled me so much that my grip on Diablo loosened just a hair, and that was all Diablo needed. He lunged from my arms straight for Triple N. I watched in horror as my little devil demon dog grabbed his pant leg and started viciously shaking it in his mouth, pulling and biting and snarling. Triple N stumbled backwards, trying to kick Diablo off of him, but Diablo was ruthless.
"Get him the fuck off me!" Triple N yelled as he kept backing up. He continued to kick and stumble backwards until he was almost at the edge of my bushes. I knew at any moment he was going to go tumbling off the stairs and fall straight into them.
I grabbed his arm and pulled him towards me then quickly reached down and tried to grab Diablo. But he was a fast little bugger and kept darting away from me every time my hands got close to him, yet somehow he managed to keep Triple N's pant leg securely in his mouth the whole time.
I finally snatched the little monster up and yanked hard, hearing a loud tearing sound. I cringed as I looked down and saw Diablo still snarling with about a two-inch strip of Triple N's pant leg stuck in his teeth. I snatched the material from his teeth and quickly wadded it up in my hand, hoping that Triple N wouldn't notice.
"Oh my god, I'll be right back," I mumbled as I ran into the house and locked Diablo in my office. I rushed back to the front door to see Triple N bent over, inspecting his leg and the damage to his slacks.
"Are you okay? I'm so sorry," I offered feebly.
Steely, hate-filled eyes stared back at me. I cowered at their intensity. "Do I look okay? Did you know this suit cost two grand? And that I'm also bleeding?"
"Oh. Would you like a Band-Aid?" I asked politely. I hoped he was okay with SpongeBob because that was all I had.
His jaw tightened and started clenching so hard that I thought it was going to start making noises like metal rubbing against metal. And the anger radiating from him was so intense and powerful that it felt like he was holding a heat lamp or aiming a blow torch my way.
"Um… well, I'm sorry?" I apologized again lamely, voicing it as a question. I honestly didn't know what the hell to say.
Triple N took in a deep breath and closed his eyes, like he was trying to calm himself.
He opened his eyes and stared hard at me, his nostrils flaring. "Do you have a phone I could use?" he asked and I could tell it was with great difficulty.
Quickly stepping back into the house, I dug my phone out of my bag and handed it to him.
He said nothing as he dialed a number. He rubbed the back of his neck and looked over towards his house as he waited for the person on the other end to answer.
I didn't really know what to do with myself. Stand there and listen to his conversation? Or step inside and let him steal my phone? Not going to happen. So I stayed.
Having nothing to do, I just rudely stood there and eavesdropped as he started talking. "Jess? I need you to call a locksmith for me. No… I locked myself out of the house this morning. Yeah… my cell phone is in there. Huh? No… I don't know her number because it's in my cell. What? Yeah… okay. No… just give them my address. It's 1875 Juniper Road."
He hit the end button and handed my phone back to me without saying a word.
I cleared my throat uncomfortably and started gnawing on my bottom lip as he stared at me coldly for a long moment. "So what are you going to do about this?" he asked, waving his hand towards his Diablo-chewed leg.
I frowned, staring at his leg. "Uh… could it be… um… sewn maybe?" I asked like I didn't have a brain in my head knowing there was no way possible to fix that huge tear in his pant leg by sewing it. But I figured it couldn't hurt to ask.
"Highly doubtful," he responded in a disdainful tone. He slipped his right hand into his breast pocket and whipped out a card. "If I were you, I'd start working on a better offer than that." He handed me his business card and started walking back towards his house. "I'll be in touch," he said over his shoulder.
I stared at his retreating figure and decided I didn't need time; I was ready to make an offer right now. "Hold up just one second, mister," I yelled out to him. He stopped dead in his tracks and turned around giving me a definite stink-eye look. It was kind of sexy. I don't think he meant for it to be sexy, but it was sexy. "I'll make you an offer right now. Give me your pant size, and I'll go out and buy you another pair that will look just like the ones you have on now.
"And you know what? I thought it was downright rude of you to not even bother to introduce yourself or say 'thank you' to me for letting you use my phone. Were you never taught the definition of the word 'manners'? I mean, I was nice enough to apologize and offer you a Band-Aid."
He walked back towards me, glaring ominously. "And what store exactly are you going to purchase these pants from?"
Walmart? The Salvation Army? "Um, I do know a few fine clothing stores," I lied, trying to sound haughty and dignified, knowing I only sounded like I was lying my ass off.
He stepped even closer, making my breathing spike a little. "And you call me rude? When you let your dog almost take my leg off?"
"He did not! He couldn't take your leg off, he only weighs four pounds!"
"Weight is not a factor. I have the bite marks on my ankle to prove that."
"Well, I can't help it that my dog hates you. He's a really good judge of character, by the way."
He squinted his eyes at me and his jaw did that tightening thing again. "I refuse your offer. It's not good enough. Like I said before, I'll be in touch." And with that, he turned on his heel and marched off.
"Whatever, jackass," I mumbled under my breath.
It was just then that I realized I was still holding the card he had handed me. I stared down at it curiously. It was a black card with a criss-cross raised black design on it and in the upper left hand corner was a picture of an old timey set of scales. My stomach felt funny when I read the name on it.
Edward A. Cullen
Attorney at Law
I will admit that I did gulp a little when I read the word attorney and might have muttered, "Oh shit," at some point. As I slowly walked back into my house, an uncomfortable feeling came over me as I thought about what I needed to do. First off, I had to go find my checkbook because I knew for a fact that my unlucky ass would be writing a big, fat check in the very near future to Triple N… I mean, "Edward A. Cullen," I said out loud with my lip curled up in disgust as I re-read the name on his fancy card. That name was so pretentious and assholish that I wondered if he'd made it up.
Secondly, I needed to find out how to contact The Dog Whisperer. I wondered if he had an emergency hotline like those psychics on TV did because I had one hell of an emergency on my hands.
And thirdly, somehow I just knew deep down in my heart that I was going to absolutely loath and despise my new next-door neighbors.
A/N: What'd you think? Do you want more? What do you think Edward will do? Sue her? Or come up with a little "out of court settlement" offer? Hehehe. ;)