A/N: I have some wonderful people I need to thank who worked tirelessly to help me with this story. My lovely group of pre-readers: Gjficfan, Lfcpam, JayNahNah, betsmecullen, and SunflowerFran. And my invaluable beta LifeInkognito. Thank you, ladies, for everything. For reading my chapters, giving me your invaluable advice, and putting up with me. I owe you so much. I love each and every one of you.

This is my only author's note. This disclaimer applies to all of the remaining chapters.

SM owns Twilight. I own this plot, storyline, Diablo, and this very special Edward.




Looking up from my computer, my eyes narrowed at the sound of a horn honking. Repeatedly. "Some people work at home around here, you idiot," I mumbled.

Pushing away from my desk, I picked up my Chihuahua, Diablo, from my lap and made my way to the window to see who was making all the ruckus and interrupting my work day. Frowning, I stared at the moving truck backed up to the garage of the house next door. I knew the house had sold, but didn't know when I'd be getting new neighbors. Today must be the day. Interesting… this could be really good, or really bad.

A sigh escaped me as I set Diablo down on the floor and stretched my arms above my head. Time for a snack and another good old cup of Joe.

I grabbed my coffee mug from my desk and walked into the kitchen. I quickly poured myself a fresh cup and grabbed a granola bar.

As I sat at the kitchen table and slowly ate my snack, I began to fret about my new neighbors. My former neighbors had to move due to a job transfer. We got along great, and I missed them terribly so I had some anxiety about that moving truck.

I finished up my granola bar and gave Diablo the last bite. After refilling my cup, I headed back to my office. Curiosity got the best of me so I stopped at the window and peeped out again, hoping to catch a glimpse of someone. Unfortunately, all I saw were movers carrying in large pieces of furniture.

Plopping down at my desk, I started typing away at my computer. After I graduated college, I managed to land a fantastic job working for an insurance company as an underwriter and had the great fortune to work from home.

My afternoon zipped by fast. After checking my email one last time, I shut down my computer. Diablo stood in my lap and stretched his little body. I gave him a quick kiss on the head before I carried him to the back door to let him outside.

I had just pulled some spinach out of the fridge to throw together a quick salad when my cell phone rang. Smiling, I grabbed it from my pocket.

"Hey, Rosy-Posy," I answered in an annoying sing-song voice. She hated it when I called her that so I made sure to do it often.

"Hey, Bella-bitch, what's up?" she replied. I could almost see her sneer through the phone. It made me laugh.

"Not much. Oh, guess what? I'm getting new neighbors today."

"Huh. Have you seen them yet? I hope it's a house full of doctors. Sexy doctors who like to take anal temperatures with their large thermometers."

I cringed. "You're disgusting."

"Can't a girl dream a little? And if my dream comes true, I'm moving in with you, babe."

"Ha. Not going to happen. Hey, are you still coming over Friday night?" I asked as I poured ranch over my spinach, chicken, cheese, and crouton salad.

"Are you kidding me? Of course I'll be there."

"All right. Love you."

"Right back 'atcha, bitch," she said, and I smiled as we hung up.

Rose and I met my last year in college when I worked part-time in an accounting firm. No one would ever guess by looking at her that she had a C.P.A. at the end of her name. She stood 5'11" in stocking feet with straight platinum blonde hair down to the middle of her back. She had eyes the color of a crystal blue sky and voluptuous curves that went on for days.

Her typical office attire consisted of a business suit with a skirt striking her mid-thigh. She wore them so tight that she could barely bend over without splitting the seam. Her ensembles were usually paired with fish-net stockings and some type of designer shoe with a minimum 4" heel.

She always wore some type of blouse with a plunging neckline showing off an obscene amount of cleavage and she loved adding her black horn-rimmed glasses for special effect.

She literally made men drool and lose their minds.

Rose also happened to be a hard-assed bitch. We instantly clicked and became the best of friends which I found to be quite comical. I think my easy going nature and her abrasiveness somehow balanced each other out.

Just as I took a bite of my salad, I heard scratching at the back door. I hopped up and let Diablo in and went back to the table to finish my supper. While I chewed, I glanced down at him. There he sat, up on his hind legs, quietly begging like an adorable little meerkat. I turned back to my salad and could feel his beady little eyes on me, trying to stare a hole into my skull. Grinning, I picked out a piece of chicken from my salad and slipped it to him.

I adored him. He had a black shiny coat except for the very tip of his tail which looked like it had been dipped in white paint. In the center of his forehead was a white patch with two little white spots on both sides of his tiny black nose. His legs and under-body were white as well.

I refused to admit it to anyone, but, to be perfectly honest, he was ugly. So ugly that it made him kind of cute and adorable. His ugly grew on you after a while.

He weighed a whopping four pounds and despite his cuteness, he had a terrible personality. Evil dwelled inside of the little dude which is why I named him Diablo, which means "devil" in Spanish. He had ornery flowing in his veins from his tiny black snout to the white tip of his tail. He always kept me laughing and highly entertained.

He loved me completely, was fiercely protective, and hated every other soul on the planet earth. He snarled, growled ferociously, and proudly showed every crooked fang in his tiny mouth to everyone except me.

I viewed him almost kitten-like, but to the rest of humanity, he embodied a demon devil in dog form. He snuggled and slept in my lap all day while I worked and would kiss my face off whenever I picked him up. He pretty much worshiped me and, well, he owned my ass.

After I cleaned up my dishes and put everything away, I fed him. Then I decided to go upstairs to take a quick shower and do some reading. I had just started a new romance novel and couldn't wait to dive back into it. After toweling off, I walked into my bedroom to throw on some clothes when I heard voices. I perked up, having completely forgotten about my new neighbors.

All of my windows were open so I could enjoy the beautiful spring day. My bedroom had three windows facing the front of the house, but none facing the side with the new neighbors. I couldn't see them but I could hear some muffled voices.

I figured I would go introduce myself to them tomorrow since they were probably really busy today with the move and all. But I didn't think it would hurt to take a little peek at them.

Wrapping a towel around my naked self, I headed downstairs and over to the window in my family room. I pushed the curtain back a bit to see if I could catch a glimpse of anyone.

"Oh, fuck," I heard a woman's voice scream loudly.

My hand flew to my mouth, and I dropped the curtain and grabbed at my chest, breathing heavily, scared out of my mind.

"Oh god, just like that," I heard the woman cry out again.

Closing my eyes, I leaned my head against the wall and stood there for a few minutes still holding my beating chest and trying to catch my breath. And that's when it dawned on me. My new neighbors were christening their new home. Very loudly. So loudly that the whole neighborhood could have heard it.

Now the civilized thing for me to do would have been to march myself back upstairs, finish getting dressed, and read my book like I was intending to do. But the sick, twisted, perverted side of me wanted to take another peek... just one tiny, little peek.

As I stood there breathing heavily and listening to the screaming and panting streaming through my windows, a war waged inside of me.

"Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it," I mumbled to myself as I turned and pulled the curtain back again not listening to a single word coming out of my mouth. Twilight had set in so it had just started getting dark, and my eyes immediately zoned in on the light coming from the kitchen. My new neighbors had all of their windows open as well so I could hear every word, grunt, and moan being uttered. There were no coverings on the windows yet since they'd just moved in.

"Holy shit," I mumbled under my breath as I stared in disbelief.

My new neighbor had his woman sprawled out on the end of their kitchen table like a buffet with his face between her legs. The woman kept running her hands through his hair, making it stick up all over his head.

There were two large windows in their kitchen that faced my house. They had a rectangular six-person kitchen table next to the windows adjacent to me. So I had a perfect side view. Of everything. And I do mean everything

I couldn't see the man's face, obviously, since he had it in the chic's crotch, but I could see his messed-up hair, kind of a reddish brown color, sticking out from between her legs. Even though I couldn't see much of his body due to his crotched position, I could tell the man was hot. Seriously hot. The tops of his shoulders were muscled and toned.

His woman on the table looked like she could have been a swimsuit model with her long, dark wavy hair, incredible rack, and tiny waist. I could also see the glitter of a belly button piercing.

I quickly closed the curtain again and leaned against the wall, holding my chest. I stood there for a few seconds before I started talking to myself again. "Walk away from the window," I commanded but of course I never listened to that person called Myself. And even though I felt disturbed by my actions, I once again turned and peeled the curtain back a little.

"I'm coming, I'm coming, yes, yes, oh shit, oh baby, oh shit…" the woman on the table scream. I started breathing heavy.

The man stood up and my knees went weak. Good god, what a glorious sight. I'd never seen a man that beautiful in my life. He embodied everything masculine and manly and managed to snatch the very breath from my body. He looked tall, and lean, not overly muscular, but more like lanky and toned.

His profile – because I could only see the side view of him – well, it left me speechless. That jaw of his… I'd never seen a jaw like that before. And now that he was upright, I got a perfect side view of his behemoth... bratwurst. Crude, I know, but it happened to be the first word that popped into my head to describe that giant thing I saw stretched long and hard in front of him.

I'd never seen a cock of that magnitude before. Sure, maybe in a porno that had accidentally popped up on my computer screen from time to time. That damn spam. But I always thought porn stars were freaks of nature or just the results of good camera angles.

As I stared at that fine piece of man, I decided I needed to give him a name. I liked to name things. Not sure why exactly. I chalked it up to some kind of personality defect or something. I considered maybe Mr. Sex but found that to be boring and unimaginative. Then I thought about Mr. Fuckhawtness, but didn't like the ring to it. The guy was definitely naughty. Maybe I could call him Mr. Naughty. Mr. Naughty Neighbor? Mr. Nasty Naughty Neighbor? Triple N? Oh, I liked that a lot.

The woman pulled Triple N towards her and he thrust into her hard in one fell swoop. I started fanning myself because, wow, that was hot. He started thrusting rapidly, his tight ass flexing with each pump.

Closing the curtain, I squeezed my eyes shut, leaned my forehead against the wall, and slowly started banging it. My thoughts shifted to a bad, bad place… a sick place where deviant, horny people lived.

I knew I shouldn't do it, and I knew that it was wrong, wrong, wrong on so many levels, but I happened to be a weak and very disturbed individual. So against my better judgement, I ran upstairs and pulled out my step stool. Reaching into the top of my closet, I rummaged around until I found my dildo. I kept it hidden there so Jared, my boyfriend, wouldn't find it. For some reason, it embarrassed me that I owned one, and I didn't want anyone on the planet Earth to know about it.

It had been a while since I'd had a good orgasm, and watching them had made me horny. Besides, how often do you get a free live porn show in the comfortable privacy of your own home?

I ran back downstairs – naked except for my towel – to my spot by the window and started up Mr. Duncan D. Dildo, aka Triple D.

My eyes darted shamefully from my left to my right around my family room but then I started chuckling because who would be watching me? Casper, or maybe the Invisible Man?

With a quick eye roll at myself, I started to turn my attention back to the window when something caught my eye. I looked down and frowned when I saw Diablo sitting about three feet away from me, staring at me like I was the live porn show.

"Oh, no, you are so not watching me do this. I feel guilty enough as it is," I whispered to him. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed him a rawhide and handed it to him. He dragged it over to his dog bed and happily started chewing on it, totally ignoring me.

Now that I had him taken care of, I opened the curtain a bit, excited to continue my viewing of the porn. I caught sight of Triple N seated on the kitchen table with the swimsuit model straddling him, riding his cock like a bucking bronco. I dropped my towel and fired Duncan up and ran him over my clit a couple of times.

The man's large hands grabbed her ass, squeezing it as she bounced on him. His right hand reached up and caught one of her massive tits, cupping it. He held onto it while he latched his mouth onto her large, dark nipple. I watched, my breathing ragged, and slipped the dildo inside my embarrassingly wet pussy. My eyes widened and my breathing hitched when he suddenly picked up the model and bent her over the table.

I let out a frustrated huff because I didn't get a good look at his face. He slid into her and started pounding her from behind. Reaching his hands down, he grabbed her tits before one hand slid between her legs to, I assumed, rub her clit. My suspicions were confirmed when she started screaming loud obscenities and slapping her hands loudly against the table. He kept rubbing and pounding into her over and over again.

Then he slapped her ass.

And that did it for me.

I started coming and pulsing, the intensity almost buckling my knees. I clutched the curtain to keep myself from falling over and almost ripped it off the wall. I kept watching them while the tremors started to dissipate. Triple N picked up the pace and finally roared, "Fuck," as he kept thrusting rapidly, holding onto her ass for leverage.

Completely spent and panting, I just stood there, staring. My new neighbor left me awestruck. I deemed Triple N to be an absolute god of all things sexual.

As I tried to calm my breathing, I glanced down at the disgusting dildo still dangling from my fingertips. Just as I went to steal another peek out the window, my phone rang. It scared me so badly that I screamed like one of those awful B-movie horror actresses, and I dropped Duncan on the floor. I hoped and prayed that Triple N hadn't heard my screeching, but I screamed so embarrassingly loud that I didn't see any way he couldn't have. Shaky and agitated, I ran naked to the kitchen table to pick up my cell phone with my trembling hands.

I didn't want to answer it, but I knew the ring tone, and knew I had to answer it.

"Heellllooo," I said, breathing heavily.

"Bella? What the hell are you doing?" Jared demanded.

"Nothing…" I said, panting loudly in his ear.


"Um… uh… I was… exercising," I said, trying desperately to sound trustworthy. I shut my eyes tight and secretly prayed that I didn't sound like I'd just been watching my neighbors sex it up while sexing myself up.

"Oh. Were you on the treadmill or the elliptical?"

"Uh… the treadmill," I said, my breathing still whacked-out. I couldn't believe he fell for my dumbness. I never exercised.

"That's cool. Hey, I'm hoping to get to come home next week sometime. I'm almost done with the group of contacts I had to meet with. I should be able to leave a few days early," he said.

"Oh. That's good."

"I miss you and can't wait to see you. I'll call you tomorrow."

"Okay, miss you, too. Bye."

Jared had been my boyfriend for the past two years. He worked as a salesman and his job required a lot of traveling. We met in a bar. Rose hated him and Jared hated Rose. And it pissed me off to no end that the two of them could not get along, but the hatred between those two ran deep.

Jared wanted to get more serious. He had begged and pleaded with me to move in with him, but I constantly refused. I loved my home and my independence, and I just wasn't ready for that level of commitment.

I loved him, but I had this longing for something "more." Something I really couldn't even quite define. My problem stemmed from the fact that I read too many books. I had this fairy tale vision of how love and romance should be, and it had clouded my sight. Jared was a good man, and I needed to get over my issues.

Loud growling sounds pulled me from my thoughts. I glanced down and my expression turned to horror when I caught Diablo chewing on the end of my purple dildo. The rawhide that he'd been gnawing on earlier lay beside him completely neglected. He snarled and shook my dildo in his teeth like he wanted to kill it.

"No… Diablo, that's so gross and disgusting. That's not a toy. Ugh, I think I'm going to puke," I whisper-yelled before gagging twice. Thankfully, I had remembered to keep my voice down because I did not want Triple N or the model to hear me.

I had to play tug-of-war with him to get the thing out of his mouth. I felt sad when I inspected Duncan and saw the bite marks all over his rubber head. I said farewell and threw him in the trash before I grabbed Diablo in my arms and ran upstairs, still naked.

After a desperate search, I finally hunted down a spare toothbrush. I slathered on some toothpaste and scrubbed his little teeth the best I could. He kept annoying me and biting it the entire time. I wanted him to swish some mouthwash around in his little mouth but figured I couldn't train him fast enough to do that.

I got dressed, folded some clothes, and headed back downstairs to get a drink when I heard, "Yes, baby, yes. Harder, just like that."

My eyes widened and my mouth dropped open. I zoomed over to the window and looked towards the kitchen where Triple N had been performing earlier, but found it empty. Frowning, my eyes searched the windows and that's when I caught sight of them in the living room on the couch. Triple N had his back to me with his model straddling his lap. How could he be ready for round two already? He had some seriously good recovery time.

I stood there for a moment contemplating that maybe, just maybe, the stories I had read about in my books describing all night sexing were true. I couldn't even imagine having sex like that. Yeah, my sex life was a bit lacking in areas. Well, most areas. Okay, all areas.

My thoughts flashed back to the self-love that I had given myself earlier and I briefly considered that I too could have been up for round two if… my damn dog hadn't chewed my dildo!

I know I could have self-loved myself in other ways, but I liked Duncan the best. I missed him already.

Later that evening when I heard Triple N starting up round three, I closed all of the windows in the house and popped my ear buds in, blasting the music as loud as I could tolerate. I'd had enough of my new neighbor's house christening. I mean, did they have to christen every freaking room in their entire house all in the same night?

I eventually went to bed and slept like a baby. The following morning, I smacked the snooze on my alarm clock at least a couple of times before I finally dragged my lazy ass out of bed. I let Diablo outside and before heading back upstairs to take a shower, I started a pot of coffee.

I had to drive into the office today. Once a month, I had a mandatory meeting with my manager to go over my case load, production, and all other kinds of worthlessness related to my job.

After my shower, I let Diablo back in, fed the both of us breakfast, and tried to figure out what to wear. I finally decided on a shorter than normal black skirt, a silky white blouse with sleeves that just touched my elbows and thigh-highs.

For my shoes, I went all out and wore a pair of adorable black velvet pointy-toed beauts with a nice dainty heel on them. I straightened my hair and pulled it back in a severe pony-tail and actually put on make-up. I had to make sure I "wowed" my employer with my once-a-month visit. Since I saw everyone in the office so infrequently, I wanted to make sure I made a good, lasting impression.

I had just slipped my phone into my bag when someone knocked on the door. Diablo went ballistic. After several tries, I finally grabbed his barking, crazy ass and yelled at him to shut the hell up. He refused to listen to me and barked even louder. As I opened the front door, I held onto him tight as he wiggled in my arms and barked like a maniac.

My mouth fell open. There stood Triple N in the flesh. Or I should say, in the covered-up flesh. I had seen his super fine flesh last night. I knew what the man's body looked like naked, but had never really gotten a good look at his face. Other than the side view of his jaw. He towered over me looking absolutely delicious in a tailored black pin-striped suit with a crisp white shirt and gray tie.

Hello, Mr. Naughty…

The beauty of his face stunned me. His slightly crooked nose fit his face well, his lips a dark pink and perfectly shaped. And that jaw… I might have to do a panty change before I left for work.

But the most significant feature on his face were his blue-green eyes. His mesmerizing blue-green eyes that were checking me out. From top to bottom. But then those gorgeous eyes turned steely and his lip curled up as he focused in on Diablo. The devil dog in my arms who kept snarling and snapping and showing off his fangs. The little guy had lost his mind and wanted to rip sexy Triple N to shreds. I kept a firm hold on him, but instead of going and putting him up, I just stood there, staring like an idiot at the beautiful man. I seemed to be completely paralyzed by my new neighbor's incredible looks.

His perfect, beautiful lips started moving but I couldn't hear a thing because of Diablo's incredibly loud, ferocious mouth.

"Could you do something with your dog?" he finally shouted loudly.

His voice startled me and I lost my grip on Diablo just enough for him to lunge from my arms straight for Triple N. I watched in horror as my dog grabbed his pant leg and started viciously shaking it in his mouth, pulling and biting and snarling. Triple N stumbled backwards, trying to kick Diablo off of him, but Diablo was ruthless.

"Get him off of me," Triple N yelled as he kept backing up. He continued to kick and stumble backwards edging closer and closer to my bushes. I knew at any moment he could go tumbling off the steps and fall straight into a row of my prickly briars.

I grabbed his arm and pulled him towards me then quickly reached down and tried to grab Diablo. But that little heathen kept darting away from me every time my hands got close to him. Somehow, the squirt managed to keep Triple N's pant leg securely in his mouth the entire time.

I finally snatched him up and yanked hard, hearing a loud, tearing sound. I cringed as I looked down and saw Diablo still snarling with a strip of Triple N's pant leg stuck in his teeth. I snatched the material from his mouth and quickly wadded it up in my hand, hoping that Triple N hadn't notice.

"Oh my god. I'll be right back," I mumbled as I ran into the house and locked Diablo in my office. I rushed back to the front door to find Triple N bent over, inspecting his leg and the damage to his slacks.

"Are you okay? I'm so sorry," I offered feebly.

Steely, hate-filled eyes stared back at me. "Do I look okay? Do you know how much this suit cost?" he shouted.

It looked expensive. Sexy expensive.

He pulled his pant leg up a bit. "And I'm bleeding," he kind of snarled.

"Oh. Would you like a Band-Aid?" I asked politely. I hoped he was okay with SpongeBob because that was all I had.

His jaw tightened and started clenching and I could just feel the heat of his anger radiating off of him.

"Uh… well, I'm sorry?" I apologized again lamely, voicing it as a question. I honestly didn't know what to say.

Triple N took in a deep breath and closed his eyes I guess to try to calm himself or something.

He opened his eyes and glared at me again, his nostrils flaring. "Do you have a phone I could use?" he asked with what seemed to be great difficulty.

"Oh, sure…"

Quickly stepping back into my house, I dug my phone out of my bag and handed it to him.

He said nothing as he dialed a number. He rubbed the back of his neck and looked over towards his house while he waited for the person on the other end to answer.

I didn't really know what to do with myself. Stand there and listen to his conversation? Or step inside and let him steal my phone? Not going to happen. So I stayed.

Having nothing better to do, I just rudely stood there and eavesdropped as he started talking. "Jess? I need you to call a locksmith for me. No… I locked myself out of the house this morning. Yeah… my cell phone is in there. Huh? No… I don't know her number because it's in my cell. What? Yeah… okay. No… just give them my address. It's 1875 Juniper Road."

He hit the end button and handed my phone back without saying a word.

I cleared my throat uncomfortably and started gnawing on my bottom lip. He just stood there and stared at me coldly for a long moment before his eyes slowly perused down my body. I shivered. Must have been a gust of wind or something. It couldn't have been from those hot, icy electric eyes of his.

"So what are you going to do about this?" he asked, making eye contact again and waving his hand towards his Diablo-chewed leg.

I frowned and stared down at his leg intently. "Uh… could it be… um… sewn maybe?" I asked like I didn't have a brain in my head. No way could that huge tear in his pant leg be fixed by sewing it, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to ask.

"Definitely not," he responded in a clipped tone. He slipped his right hand into his breast pocket and whipped out a card. "If I were you, I'd start working on a better offer."

I took his business card and watched him walk back towards his house. No, I stared shamelessly at the man. He looked splendid in that expensive suit of his.

"I'll be in touch," he called over his shoulder.

I took in a deep breath and decided I didn't need time. I was ready to make an offer right now. "Hold on a minute, mister," I yelled out to him. He stopped dead in his tracks and turned around giving me the stink-eye. It was kind of sexy. I don't think he meant for it to be sexy, but I sure found it sexy. "I'll make you an offer right now. Give me your pant size and I'll go out and buy you another pair that will look just like the ones you have on now."

His stink-eyes narrowed but I didn't feel threatened. Not one bit.

"And you know what?" I said placing my hands on my hips, hoping it made me look tough. "I thought it was downright rude of you to not even bother to introduce yourself or say 'thank you' to me for letting you use my phone. Were you never taught any manners? I mean, I was nice enough to apologize and offer you a Band-Aid."

He walked back towards me, glaring ominously. "And exactly what store were you going to purchase these pants from?"

Walmart? The Salvation Army?

"Um, I do know a few fine clothing establishments," I said, trying to sound haughty and dignified.

"This suit is Gucci."

No wonder he looked so hot. Goodwill sells Gucci, right?

He stepped even closer, making my breathing spike a little. "And you call me rude? When you let your dog almost take my leg off?"

"He did not. He couldn't take your leg off. He only weighs four pounds."

"Weight is not a factor. I have the bite marks on my ankle to prove it."

"Well, I can't help it that my dog hates you. I'll have you know, he's a really good judge of character."

He squinted his eyes at me and his jaw did that tightening thing again. "I refuse your ridiculous offer. Like I said before, I'll be in touch." And with that, he turned on his heel and marched off.

"Whatever, jackass," I mumbled under my breath. I may or may not have flipped off his fine-looking Gucci backside.

Grumbling under my breath, I stepped back inside my house and slammed the door. Curiously, I stared down at the shiny black business card he'd handed me. It had a fancy raised crisscross design on it with a picture of an old timey set of scales in the upper left hand corner. My stomach did a strange flip when I read the name on it.

Edward A. Cullen

Attorney at Law


Okay. I have to admit that I did gulp a little when I read the word "attorney" and might have muttered an "oh shit" or two as well.

As I slowly walked towards my office to retrieve Diablo, an uncomfortable feeling came over me. I had a few things I needed to do. Right away.

First off, I had to go find my checkbook because I knew for a fact that I would be writing a big, fat check in the very near future to Triple N… I mean, "Edward A. Cullen," I said out loud with my lip curled as I re-read the name on his fancy card. That name was so pretentious and assholish that I wondered if he'd made it up himself.

Secondly, I needed to find out how to contact The Dog Whisperer. I wondered if he had an emergency hotline like those psychics did on TV because I had one hell of an emergency on my hands.

And thirdly, I just knew deep down in my heart that I was going to absolutely loath and despise my new next-door neighbors.